Feeling confused about feeling neglected

[Janye]

The Ask: I am looking for some perspective. I need to get out of my own head, and I’m hoping that some folks here can help me figure out/explain why I feel neglected by my primary.

Context: I am the mono addition to an established couple. What was originally intended to by a purely physical relationship between the husband and me, very quickly evolved into a full-blown romantic relationship between the two of us. His wife has, been absolutely wonderful about making space for me, and for us to grow and explore together. They are currently moving to another coast. I was informed of this before the first time that we met, as well as their plans to take a month to road trip their way to their new home. We also knew that there'd be days where they'd be completely out of reach while they've playing around caves and camping and whatnot. This is supposed to be their big, romantic adventure before the wife heads off to school again in the fall. Fair enough. He was very upfront from the beginning about his preference for the three of us to be a unit, and they have both been upfront and explicit in making sure that I don’t feel pressured into that decision. On that same note, we’ve been pretty intentional about making sure that all three of us have had time together and individually—we’ve moved plans around and everyone has had to bend and flex to make those times happen. I was invited by the wife to a very private, very special goodbye send off from their closest group of friends (during a time that was originally blocked out for them). It was a big, HUGE deal. And it was that gesture and experience from that weekend that I really got comfortable enough to trust that we could do the long distance thing. (For clarification purposes: The Man and I are dating and in a committed relationship, and the wife and I are very tentatively exploring something other than platonic friendship).

I have to say that to say that I love my metamour; she’s awesome and has consistently been an integral part of moving my relationship with The Man further, much quicker than we would have at our own pace—which is a good thing. The last time that we were all together, they gave me a commitment ring that all of us share and wear at all times. I’ve been collared. I’m in love with the guy—and this is my first love, first D/s, and first poly relationship all rolled into one and it’s equal parts amazing and terrifying. So it’s a full blown thing that’s happening.

I had a pretty rough adjustment (read as: fully blown emotional break) with the way that our communication has been scaled back on their trip. I simply wasn’t ready, and it came back in bit me in the ass. So, we worked that situation out, and things have been pretty steady the last two weeks of their travels—there are times where he’s gone for a few days and others where we can send a text or two a day and everything is cool.

The Problem is this: We’re basically through the month long trip (a few more days), but a few words were exchanged the last day or two that have me on edge and agitated. Last night I received a text message that said that they’d wouldn’t be reachable for the weekend to try to get in that final together time the last full day of their trip. Perfectly fine, no problems there. But it was sent at 11 o’clock in a, “I’ll maybe be able to talk to you Sunday night!” type of way that just pissed me off.
Can I get a phone call, or something that doesn’t make me feel like an afterthought? It grates, and it extremely irritating that I’ve been trying to do as I’ve been told. I write the daily notes, I do the rituals, I’ve tried really hard not to be obtrusive into “their time”. To be fair, they’ve done the same in trying to make me not feel like I’ve been forgotten. So why do I feel like I’m being ignored? Or like my emotions are being tabled for when they have time for me. I don’t mind being secondary, I’ve got my own life and shit that I want to accomplish with my career (which is super important to me), so I don’t really need attention because I don’t have other things to do. I just don’t feel like I’m in a relationship right now.

Don’t send me a text message at 11 at night saying that you’ll be out of communication for the next two days without any warning at all after an entire month of spotty connections. That was the last straw to something, that I can’t quite name, that’s apparently been building for a while now. I don’t know how to explain why I’m feeling ignored, because I know that he hasn’t been ignoring me. I don’t know how to explain why this month has made me feel like I’m not an important part of their lives, when I know that’s not true. And I don’t know how to explain any of that without feeling like I'm dredging up old things. Or without sounding ungrateful, whiny, & needy—which I absolutely abhor.
This is a pretty intense deviation from my norm—I don’t generally feel like I need such constant contact with someone to feel like I’m connected to them, so I honestly just don’t know what to do about it. It hurts and it makes me feel like I’m being ignored. I’ve been trying to work on myself and handle my own shit, because—I get it. He can’t be there every time that I need to talk. They’re off having this awesome trip and I genuinely want for them to have a good time and enjoy each other. I like hearing about how things are going, and I’m so grateful that it hasn’t been total radio-silence throughout the month. But, fuck everything, you’ve got to give me something.

 

[bookbug]

So you have the logic versus your emotions. When they are incongruent, it's a royal bitch. I am sorry.

Here is what it sounds like: they had this trip planned before they met you, and it has some special significance for them. They told you about it, told you not to expect a large amount of communication, and that is exactly how it has come down.

Problem is with the commitment ceremony / rings you changed your identity to include being in a group. You are now part of "we," but the lack of communication during the trip belies the idea of "we." Sets up some cognitive dissonance.

What I perceive to be the problem is that there were plans in place - the trip - before two became three, and they are behaving as if they are just two while on the trip, because that's how it was originally planned. It's part of their old existence. It sounds like this is likely a transitory thing.

Re-evaluate when the trip is over.

Hang in there. I do know how you feel, and it sucks.

 

[kdt26417]

Re (from OP):

"They are currently moving to another coast."

Moving as in, permanently?

Are you moving there too? or is this going to become an LDR for you? cause if it is ... that could actually be a big part of what's making you feel left out. Seriously.

 

[sparklepop]

It sounds to me like this might be a combination of what kdt said (LDR) and unplanned reaction (upset) to an unplanned event (they're unreachable for longer than they said they would be).

If everything else feels good and in place - you're happy with the secondary idea, recognise the efforts they've made to include you, etc., I think it actually might be a very simple thing.

There's loads of times that I've read a text from GF and thought "Really? That's all you have to say?!", and vice-versa! Usually, it comes down to one of us waiting on something, or finding something important, and the other person appearing to brush it off. For instance, we could have arranged to chat in the morning, my GF could wake up late and send a "sorry baby, overslept". I'll be wanting "Oh God, I'm so so sorry baby - I totally overslept, I'll make this time back up to you!"

When this happens, either my GF hasn't realised how important it has been to me that we have set a time to talk, or it's a simple lazy text communication thing.

In the case of The Man and his wife, it could very well be that because everything's gone so well with them being away and because they feel that you have agreed to things that they have laid out, they genuinely didn't think you'd have any worries with them doing what they need to do first. It's a couple-centric slip (in my opinion) that can happen with the best of intentions.

What I'd do is talk to them and explain, calmly and with understanding, that these feelings came up for you. Tell them that you totally respect their time together, and that you even didn't mind that they were staying away longer - but that it was the *way* it was communicated that was the issue. People can send texts that seem like afterthoughts for all kinds of reasons. They could have been having a manically busy time, or whatever else. A text is such an easy thing to shoot off in the moment, but whatever the tone and wording is within that text is permanent! You can see it again and again after it's been sent - it's there in black and white.

Search inside yourself for what the trigger was. If it's that you need more assurance that you are important when a plan changes, communicate that in future, a phonecall is much more likely to give you good feelings. You might even find that they offer an explanation that solves the issue for you and eases your feelings of upset. You won't know until you talk to them

 

[Janye]

Problem is with the commitment ceremony / rings you changed your identity to include being in a group. You are now part of "we," but the lack of communication during the trip belies the idea of "we." Sets up some cognitive dissonance.

What I perceive to be the problem is that there were plans in place - the trip - before two became three, and they are behaving as if they are just two while on the trip, because that's how it was originally planned. It's part of their old existence. It sounds like this is likely a transitory thing.

I think that you are exactly right, thank you. There is a fair amount of cognitive dissonance that I've been struggling around with over the last month, even if I'm only now recognizing it as such.

I feel like there's so much to unpack there,which is my way of saying that I don't even know where or how to begin to explain this. Does anyone have any thoughts on how to go about having this conversation without making it sound like I'm trying to guilt them for having their time together? The problem isn't that they had the trip, just that I felt like an afterthought for most of it.

 

[PolyCouple2013]

I think that you are exactly right, thank you. There is a fair amount of cognitive dissonance that I've been struggling around with over the last month, even if I'm only now recognizing it as such.

I feel like there's so much to unpack there,which is my way of saying that I don't even know where or how to begin to explain this. Does anyone have any thoughts on how to go about having this conversation without making it sound like I'm trying to guilt them for having their time together? The problem isn't that they had the trip, just that I felt like an afterthought for most of it.

I'm not an expert in the world of infinite love, but, it sounds like you also have a bit of New Relationship Energy (NRE) going on that I know from experience only makes things more difficult for yourself when you are the only partner who is long distance.

While they are having their planned time together, you can't help but think of them because you miss them and want to share that wonderful positive NRE with them. When you are mostly cut off from communicating with them you not only feel a tidal wave of emotions but you can also read into things too much which is not good.

I can't say why you had to be contacted the way you were. To notify you of the sudden communication gap late at night. Not to defend them but if they were exploring nature and going into areas with poor signals, I know from experience that some carriers can have nasty delays in when messages are sent to when they are received (even using other means such as Skype is not flawless in this). The fact they are still thinking of you to contact you does show me that you are not an after thought to them.

Definitely talk to them about your feelings when the trip is done as clear communication is essential not only in polyamory but in LDR as well. If things could have been done better (as you suggested a quick phone call to relay the message instead of the text) then that is a reasonable request as you were still trying to respect their "together" time.

I cannot say how you should go about this discussion other than do not discuss it with negativity in your thoughts or heart. Try to clear your head and discuss it in a loving way (or at least rational at the least) if possible.

Good luck.

 

[Janye]

What I'd do is talk to them and explain, calmly and with understanding, that these feelings came up for you. Tell them that you totally respect their time together, and that you even didn't mind that they were staying away longer - but that it was the *way* it was communicated that was the issue.

Ah. That feels like what I've been trying to say and haven't been able to find.

Search inside yourself for what the trigger was. If it's that you need more assurance that you are important when a plan changes, communicate that in future, a phonecall is much more likely to give you good feelings.[/QUOTE]

Also great advise. I'll make sure that I communicate that to them once they've popped back into cell-phone range.