tallbosguy
Member
Hey board,
It has been awhile since i asked for help and I'm fighting jealousy, though who doesn't.
My long term gf is married, but she just moved back! We had a great reunion and caught up physically and romantically as soon as she could. We made plans to see each other pretty often in the future, including travel. He will catch up to her in a few months and they'll be a cheap flight away.
I failed pretty badly when she mentioned she wanted to have a one off purely physical encounter a few days ago. So badly she backed out to let me get my head on my shoulders. This is not okay because it isnt in our mutually agreed boundaries of what we're looking for (she has always said she has brief curiosities) and i dictated her life by my emotions. Im more poly fidelity but these things are pretty rare for her, 6 months to a year between them about.
This one hit me worse than when it happened before because after one night out during our reunion she had a bit of a nervous attack. I anticipated this, after 16 months apart the relief and care and lust was bound to pick one of us to creep up on in a storm. During the chat that followed she asked alot about when i start going out if i would still date her, if i still would like her if she got older, and things i easily said yes. im there for her. Then she asked if i would see her if she felt alone. I said yes and she was very happy about it.
So i got thrown for a loop here based on thr chat, and cracked open the jealousy stuff again and started working on my triggers and roots. When i asked her why this happened she said part of it was scheduling but she also just felt a little restless and the fact she is worried ill get married and dump her one day as to avoid feeling jealous. So i started to work on my jealousy as that i can control, especially as I'm more a polyfidelity individual and while this situation should be rare, if i want to keep dating her i need to get a handle on it. I very much plan this to keep going if i can get it to work.
After a few days I've come to realize that i put alot into my relationship validating who i am rather than being self secure. I also am going to talk at length what makes me unique to her, as she said these very rare side flings are purely lust and loses the sparkle pretty quickly. I think that learning why sex with me is different spiritually will help me validate my uniqueness.
A big piece of reassuarance is that she talks to me every day and while i was supposed to be a one off I'm unique and she has no desire for anyone else like me.
I spoke with her at length once i calmed down and tonight we're going to go over some more questions i have for her that i think will strengthen our bond. I also ran it past a trusted friend in person, who mentioned something my gf did - my physical needs aren't being met (and the gfs calendar for the last month with a global move and kids didn't allow for much aside from our visit). Both my friend and gf mentioned going out and respectfully bringing someone else home.
So i have a few questions for the board.
I feel weird venturing out, partly after a few years and a pandemic of critical intense work, but moreso i feel a worry about hurting my gf. She said she wants it to happen and is okay with me bringing someone home. She's anxious for that day and a little worried about her potential reaction, but also wants to see if it helps me get over her wishes for a quick anonymous fling. She also wants to face the "he went out monster" as she says it will help her see i still care for her and my priority for her won't change. Has anyone else felt trepidation when going out to meet people with thoughts to others in their relationship? I think it will help me get my needs met and demonstrate that we're both still priorities for each other, settling her worries I'll leave her.
I also am curious if any ENM people here have partners who "just have fun." I've realized in college i had that type of mentality, so it isn't entirely foreign, but as she said the energy with me never dies, it is like a new restaurant versus your favorite homemade meal with respect to them and me. But others rational has really helped me understand it. Is it just pure fun?
She and i have been chatting constantly even before this and agreed that a bit of the mystery dissipated. It isn't entirely bad and is a poly and mono problem. Any advice on how to keep things exciting?
And if anyone has any tips on surviving the first "plunge" like she is looking for, or conversations that they had with their partner that really helped, i would love to hear it. I've seen plenty of places saying this is a band aid problem and after ripping it off it isn't as bad as people thought, so if that is true i would love to know!
Thank you everyone!
It has been awhile since i asked for help and I'm fighting jealousy, though who doesn't.
My long term gf is married, but she just moved back! We had a great reunion and caught up physically and romantically as soon as she could. We made plans to see each other pretty often in the future, including travel. He will catch up to her in a few months and they'll be a cheap flight away.
I failed pretty badly when she mentioned she wanted to have a one off purely physical encounter a few days ago. So badly she backed out to let me get my head on my shoulders. This is not okay because it isnt in our mutually agreed boundaries of what we're looking for (she has always said she has brief curiosities) and i dictated her life by my emotions. Im more poly fidelity but these things are pretty rare for her, 6 months to a year between them about.
This one hit me worse than when it happened before because after one night out during our reunion she had a bit of a nervous attack. I anticipated this, after 16 months apart the relief and care and lust was bound to pick one of us to creep up on in a storm. During the chat that followed she asked alot about when i start going out if i would still date her, if i still would like her if she got older, and things i easily said yes. im there for her. Then she asked if i would see her if she felt alone. I said yes and she was very happy about it.
So i got thrown for a loop here based on thr chat, and cracked open the jealousy stuff again and started working on my triggers and roots. When i asked her why this happened she said part of it was scheduling but she also just felt a little restless and the fact she is worried ill get married and dump her one day as to avoid feeling jealous. So i started to work on my jealousy as that i can control, especially as I'm more a polyfidelity individual and while this situation should be rare, if i want to keep dating her i need to get a handle on it. I very much plan this to keep going if i can get it to work.
After a few days I've come to realize that i put alot into my relationship validating who i am rather than being self secure. I also am going to talk at length what makes me unique to her, as she said these very rare side flings are purely lust and loses the sparkle pretty quickly. I think that learning why sex with me is different spiritually will help me validate my uniqueness.
A big piece of reassuarance is that she talks to me every day and while i was supposed to be a one off I'm unique and she has no desire for anyone else like me.
I spoke with her at length once i calmed down and tonight we're going to go over some more questions i have for her that i think will strengthen our bond. I also ran it past a trusted friend in person, who mentioned something my gf did - my physical needs aren't being met (and the gfs calendar for the last month with a global move and kids didn't allow for much aside from our visit). Both my friend and gf mentioned going out and respectfully bringing someone else home.
So i have a few questions for the board.
I feel weird venturing out, partly after a few years and a pandemic of critical intense work, but moreso i feel a worry about hurting my gf. She said she wants it to happen and is okay with me bringing someone home. She's anxious for that day and a little worried about her potential reaction, but also wants to see if it helps me get over her wishes for a quick anonymous fling. She also wants to face the "he went out monster" as she says it will help her see i still care for her and my priority for her won't change. Has anyone else felt trepidation when going out to meet people with thoughts to others in their relationship? I think it will help me get my needs met and demonstrate that we're both still priorities for each other, settling her worries I'll leave her.
I also am curious if any ENM people here have partners who "just have fun." I've realized in college i had that type of mentality, so it isn't entirely foreign, but as she said the energy with me never dies, it is like a new restaurant versus your favorite homemade meal with respect to them and me. But others rational has really helped me understand it. Is it just pure fun?
She and i have been chatting constantly even before this and agreed that a bit of the mystery dissipated. It isn't entirely bad and is a poly and mono problem. Any advice on how to keep things exciting?
And if anyone has any tips on surviving the first "plunge" like she is looking for, or conversations that they had with their partner that really helped, i would love to hear it. I've seen plenty of places saying this is a band aid problem and after ripping it off it isn't as bad as people thought, so if that is true i would love to know!
Thank you everyone!
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