Feeling hurt with partner having a new partner and changing

I can have a habit of trying to include a lot of details out of fear I will not get the right feedback, and that can come off as needing advice. But if you focus towards the very end you start to understand it is more about feelings and how to handle them, and not so much dealing with the situation between people.

I'm emotionally mature enough to understand that if I barge into a situation feeling insecure, it could do more harm than good. In my case, I was able to admit being vulnerable and having feelings at the right time and opportunity (in person and not while they are with someone else). But how I was feeling at the time was temporary, and did not match up with how things are and how they feel. E.g. I was feeling insecure about her only being into women, but in reality it is a LOT more to do with how well we connect (passionately, common interests, personality, etc) - information that I didn't disclose, hence made peoples opinion become biased, and hence make potentially inappropriate responses.

I learned this from another forum for young people back when I was younger: don't go telling people what to do. Help them figure things out for themselves.
We try our best to offer information and support. We can't tell you what to do. We are not in that position of power. We can say what we would have done, from our own experience. This is a board where people do come to ask for advice, and not just vent into a void, usually.

But this blog section is just for venting and journaling, so if all you want to do is talk out loud to sort out your feelings, that's fine. Carry on.
 
Hey everyone. I'm trying to keep this fairly anonymous, so please just call me K.

I've been with my nesting partner for over 10 years now, and also been seeing someone else for over one year. My relationships have certainly had their ups and downs, and I have had a few online sessions with a therapist. I won't get into those issues off the bat, however right now I think I'm experiencing the feelings that the other two have probably been feeling in the past. It's like the whole situation has flipped, and now I'm the one feeling hurt.

In the past I always felt like I was the rational one, trying to keep both my partners happy. My nesting partner didn't begin as being comfortable with the whole poly thing, however we did have a happy open relationship before this because in the end I always came back to her. During conversations they have been upset, and when I couldn't handle things I had an emotional breakdown because I felt like I was put into an impossible position of having to choose one person, and beat myself up. Nesting partner was having trouble accepting things, and my newer partner just wanted to be treated like a independant partner. But as time went on things have improved.

My non-nesting partner (both female, myself male - if it matters) liked to go out a bit and date guys. I didn't really mind this, but it did cause some problems when they thought the dating was getting serious when she wasn't heading that direction, and one time a guy was interested and she was in return, however she forgot to be up front about being poly and in a relationship so we had some serious talks and she let him go. This didn't bother me a whole lot.

Recently she had a complete breakdown (which is confirmed as being 80% my fault, it's complicated), and suddenly things have changed in a way I didn't expect. Things she was passionate about in the bedroom (that we did fairly consistently) she no longer has the sex drive for. I've explained that I'm happy to be completely understanding of how she feels right now, and I'm prepared to be loving and sensual, however as I write this I feel upset because it feels like a passionate part of our relationship has been suddenly ripped away and it feels like I lost something. Penetrative sex is off the table, and giving me oral sex which she absolutely loved is the same. She is happy to help me out sexually (so I might be able to adapt somehow), but I am someone who likes someone who is into the activity we are doing mutually and at least a bit enthusiastically.

She is also seeing a new girl, who she is quite passionate about dating. Her FL profile is now listed as a sapphic (she is really into girls), and she has said she is no longer interested in dating guys except for me. I fully support her, however now the roles have switched and now I feel like I'm the one who is alone when they are both out together. Right now they are getting drunk at her place and watching movies, but I'm bored and left alone with my thoughts, unable to distract myself like I used to. This is probably what my nesting partner felt like when I was out on a date with my other GF. Normally my second GF and I would just game online together, remotely watch a video on my screen, or talk, however even if I waited another 4 hours until our usual time (I've recently been sleeping and waking up earlier for new job reasons) I just feel like wanting to have my own breakdown and cry uncontrollably for a bit in private. I don't know what's going on with me, but I guess I wanted to just vent and understand my own emotions (and the root cause of them), as think about what I'm going to tell her (if anything). I don't want her to feel like it was a mistake to date this girl or even to interrupt their fun, but even since her breakdown I am struggling to feel like I belong in this relationship anymore..... :( dam insecurities.
I know how you're feeling. I’m jealous that my wife has more fun with her boyfriend than me.
 
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