Feeling hurt with partner having a new partner and changing

[Kayseal]

Hey everyone. I'm trying to keep this fairly anonymous, so please just call me K.

I've been with my nesting partner for over 10 years now, and also been seeing someone else for over one year. My relationships have certainly had their ups and downs, and I have had a few online sessions with a therapist. I won't get into those issues off the bat, however right now I think I'm experiencing the feelings that the other two have probably been feeling in the past. It's like the whole situation has flipped, and now I'm the one feeling hurt.

In the past I always felt like I was the rational one, trying to keep both my partners happy. My nesting partner didn't begin as being comfortable with the whole poly thing, however we did have a happy open relationship before this because in the end I always came back to her. During conversations they have been upset, and when I couldn't handle things I had an emotional breakdown because I felt like I was put into an impossible position of having to choose one person, and beat myself up. Nesting partner was having trouble accepting things, and my newer partner just wanted to be treated like a independant partner. But as time went on things have improved.

My non-nesting partner (both female, myself male - if it matters) liked to go out a bit and date guys. I didn't really mind this, but it did cause some problems when they thought the dating was getting serious when she wasn't heading that direction, and one time a guy was interested and she was in return, however she forgot to be up front about being poly and in a relationship so we had some serious talks and she let him go. This didn't bother me a whole lot.

Recently she had a complete breakdown (which is confirmed as being 80% my fault, it's complicated), and suddenly things have changed in a way I didn't expect. Things she was passionate about in the bedroom (that we did fairly consistently) she no longer has the sex drive for. I've explained that I'm happy to be completely understanding of how she feels right now, and I'm prepared to be loving and sensual, however as I write this I feel upset because it feels like a passionate part of our relationship has been suddenly ripped away and it feels like I lost something. Penetrative sex is off the table, and giving me oral sex which she absolutely loved is the same. She is happy to help me out sexually (so I might be able to adapt somehow), but I am someone who likes someone who is into the activity we are doing mutually and at least a bit enthusiastically.

She is also seeing a new girl, who she is quite passionate about dating. Her FL profile is now listed as a sapphic (she is really into girls), and she has said she is no longer interested in dating guys except for me. I fully support her, however now the roles have switched and now I feel like I'm the one who is alone when they are both out together. Right now they are getting drunk at her place and watching movies, but I'm bored and left alone with my thoughts, unable to distract myself like I used to. This is probably what my nesting partner felt like when I was out on a date with my other GF. Normally my second GF and I would just game online together, remotely watch a video on my screen, or talk, however even if I waited another 4 hours until our usual time (I've recently been sleeping and waking up earlier for new job reasons) I just feel like wanting to have my own breakdown and cry uncontrollably for a bit in private. I don't know what's going on with me, but I guess I wanted to just vent and understand my own emotions (and the root cause of them), as think about what I'm going to tell her (if anything). I don't want her to feel like it was a mistake to date this girl or even to interrupt their fun, but even since her breakdown I am struggling to feel like I belong in this relationship anymore..... dam insecurities.

 

[Evie]

Hi K. This isn't a time many people are online here, but I happen to be and wanted to let you know you're seen and heard (read) and I hope you feel better for the vent.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I think the partner has never been as invested in the relationship as you are. You really don't just forget that you're in a relationship...

 

[Kayseal]

I think the partner has never been as invested in the relationship as you are. You really don't just forget that you're in a relationship...

I have said that she might be in NRE, and I understand she might want to enjoy that because she hasn't really had that feeling before. So I'm supportive, but I'm dealing with my own feelings now.

 

[Evie]

Right now they are getting drunk at her place and watching movies, but I'm bored and left alone with my thoughts, unable to distract myself like I used to.

So, do you reckon it's a jealousy thing (fear or loss) or envy thing (fear of missing out) or both?

 

[Kayseal]

So, do you reckon it's a jealousy thing (fear or loss) or envy thing (fear of missing out) or both?

I don't fully know. Might go with the first. So much has changed recently and I feel insecure about it all. Like at first she was always fighting to be with me, and I would help her feel more secure in the relationship. But now I talked to her and made her feel secure, so I no longer get those silly needy moments where she asks if I love her as well in calls, and a kiss goodbye as I leave (sometimes to complete it above what I already do). And now her breakdown changed more things, and now this girl....

 

[Evie]

OK, so it sounds like the fear of losing her is the uppermost thing right now. So...warning...being clingy this far into a relationship is usually the quickest way to piss your partner off. Sometimes we talk about asking for reassurance, but it kinda sounds like the best thing you could do right is step up your game. Are you showing you love her in ways that matter to her? What're her primary and secondary love languages? Are you doing those? Is there a bit of a mismatch between yours and hers and therefore it's something you have to do consciously? How can you "woo" her again, enjoy the time you do spend together. More than enjoy it...make fucking memories!

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I think sometimes we are so busy trying to be supportive we forget to be smart.

This lady has conveniently forgotten your relationship, has waned off of sex with you and basically said she is a lesbian now.

What would you say to a monogamous man who said his female partner is behaving this way?

 

[Evie]

I'd say, "dude, what did you DO?" But then K already admitted to 80% of something he doesn't want to discuss, so rather than look back it's now time to look forward. Dude, what will you do or are you doing, to be an enhancement rather than a detractor to her life?

I'd also say, to hypothetical monogamous (wo)man or my past self, are you really wanting this relationship for the right reasons? Is there a more fulfilling way forward? When I answered no to both of these questions (admittedly not phrased so succinctly then) in a past mono relationship, I knew it was time to move on.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I'd say, "dude, what did you DO?" But then K already admitted to 80% of something he doesn't want to discuss, so rather than look back it's now time to look forward. Dude, what will you do or are you doing, to be an enhancement rather than a detractor to her life?

I'd also say, to hypothetical monogamous (wo)man or my past self, are you really wanting this relationship for the right reasons? Is there a more fulfilling way forward? When I answered no to both of these questions (admittedly not phrased so succinctly then) in a past mono relationship, I knew it was time to move on.

Sorry my post was a reply to the OP. But yeah I guess we are sometimes supportive at the expense of being smart, too

 

[Magdlyn]

Hey everyone. I'm trying to keep this fairly anonymous, so please just call me Karl.

I do better with nicknames that with just initials, and so do most people. It's less confusing. Let's give you an anonymous nickname, Karl.

I've been with my nesting partner for over 10 years now,

Let's call her Nancy.

and also been seeing someone else for over one year.

Let's call her Lulu.

My relationships have certainly had their ups and downs. I have had a few online sessions with a therapist...

It sounds like you've been struggling with open relationships for quite a while.

I think I'm experiencing the feelings that that Nancy and Lulu have probably felt in the past. It's like the whole situation has flipped, and now I'm the one feeling hurt.

There is no need to compare. You feel what you feel. You don't have to compare yourself to anyone else. Compare yourself to yourself. How did you feel 5 years ago compared to how you feel, and how you're doing, now?

In the past I always felt like I was the rational one, trying to keep both my partners happy. Nancy didn't begin as being comfortable with the whole poly thing. However, we did have a happy open relationship before this because, in the end, I always came back to her.

You mean you'd go on a date and come home? Fine. Why wouldn't you return to your shared home? Was this relationship only open with an ongoing fear of loss, that one of you would find someone "better?" It sounds like Nancy has been uneasy the entire 10 years. That's a long-ass time to feel stressed and afraid.

During conversations [both Nancy and Lulu] have been upset, and when I couldn't handle things I had an emotional breakdown, because I felt like I was put into an impossible position of having to choose one person.

So this is an open relationship done without happy consent of all parties. It's only happening under duress and everyone is always in a low level of stress, which bubbles up into upset and fights regularly. Both women want you to choose them over the other, but somehow you've smoothed icing over a rotten cake.

and beat myself up. Nancy was having trouble accepting things, and Lulu just wanted to be treated like a independent partner.

What does that mean? Pretend you two are a mono couple? This doesn't sound good at all.

But as time went on, things improved.

Well...

Lulu liked to go out a bit and date guys. I didn't really mind this, but it did cause some problems when the guys thought the dating was getting serious, when she wasn't heading that direction. One time, a guy was interested, and she was in return. However, she forgot to be upfront about being poly and in a relationship.

She "forgot?" Or was she afraid he wouldn't date her if she was already "claimed" by another man? Unless you are very young or under the influence of drink or otherwise incapacitated, or feeling extremely bad about dating more than one person, you don't "forget."

so we had some serious talks and she let him go. This didn't bother me a whole lot.

You and Lulu had serious talks? The other guy didn't just break up with her? Or did you have to convince her to choose you? But anyway, you weren't bothered... because you "won?"

Recently, she...

Nancy? I thought we were talking about Lulu...

... had a complete breakdown. (This has been confirmed as being 80% my fault. It's complicated).

I wonder what happened.

Suddenly things have changed in a way I didn't expect. Things she was passionate about in the bedroom (that we did fairly consistently) she no longer has the sex drive for... Penetrative sex is off the table, and giving me oral sex, which she absolutely loved, is the same.

So she's off hetero sex completely. She might give you a handjob? Let you finger her or give her oral, but she won't let your cock go into her vagina or mouth. She sounds like she has decided she is lesbian, or, if bi, much prefers women, at least for now. After 10 years, people can and do change. There is no reason to keep living with a woman who has decided she prefers to love and have sex with other women. You do not have to put up with a lukewarm partner.

She is also seeing a new girl, whom she is quite passionate about dating.

So she has dated women all along? But now she's met a new woman whom she is really into. How long have they been dating?

Her FL profile is now listed as a sapphic. (She is really into girls.) She has said she is no longer interested in dating guys, except for me. I fully support her.

Why would you say you "fully support" a person who is no longer into you sexually? It sounds like your relationship has pretty much moved to platonic, her choice (desire, need), not yours.

I feel like I'm the one who is alone when they are both out together.

So, before this, Nancy felt alone when you were out with Lulu? Well, we all have to be alone sometimes, polyamorous or not. It sounds like Nancy has also been dating all along too, both men and women, though? Why compare yourselves? Sometimes you're alone, sometimes she is, and sometimes you're with each other, and sometimes you're with other partners. Personally, I like my alone time as much as I like my time with my partners. I am my own best friend and I enjoy my company and my peace and quiet.

Right now they are getting drunk at her place and watching movies, but I'm bored and left alone with my thoughts, unable to distract myself like I used to.

You're bored? Can't enjoy your former hobbies? Maybe you are depressed because Nancy has decided she is a lesbian and is no longer interested in sex or romance with you, except for a pity HJ now and then.

This is probably what Nancy felt like when I was out on a date with Lulu.

And here you go comparing yourself again. I guess it never sunk in before how much Nancy missed you when you were out with Lulu, how much she really wasn't cut out for polyamory or ENM.

Normally, Lulu and I would just game online together, remotely watch a video on my screen, or talk.

Don't you see Lulu much in person? Is she a long distance away? I thought you met her in person for dates. Confused.

However, even if I waited another 4 hours until our usual time (I've recently been sleeping and waking up earlier for new job reasons) I just feel like wanting to have my own breakdown and cry uncontrollably for a bit in private.

I don't understand what waiting for 4 hours until your usual time means. A date with Nancy? A date with Lulu (maybe online)? How does that relate to needing to cry? You miss Nancy and being with Lulu either online or in person doesn't help?

I don't know what's going on with me, but I guess I wanted to just vent...

What's going on with you is that your gf of 10 years has gone off sex and romance with you. She gives you a bit of release out of pity, but she's not into it, nor into men in general at all. So, it sounds to me like things are circling the drain. And I am sorry.

[I want to] understand my own emotions, and the root cause of them, as I think about what I'm going to tell her (if anything). I don't want her to feel like it was a mistake to date this girl or even to interrupt their fun.

Well, I don't see how you could "make her feel" wrong for dating another person, since you are in an open relationship. She fell in love with new girl and she's no longer feeling hetero. Whether that relates to some mysterious thing you did or not, I can't tell, since you're keeping it a secret. But usually people are gay because they are gay, not because someone of the opposite sex did anything wrong.

... I am struggling to feel like I belong in this relationship anymore..... Damn insecurities.

I don't think it's any surprise that you feel you don't belong with Nancy. She's basically flat out telling you she's fallen out of love with you and is very infatuated with someone else. I'd look at whether either she or Lulu were ever really happily polyamorous, or if this whole thing was always a house built on sand. Maybe you just have to face the fact that Nancy is "just not into you" anymore. Not every relationship will last for the rest of your life. People do change. Circumstances change.

It sounds like you're not married, and don't have kids, so the breakup (if it goes that way) can be cleaner and easier than if you were, and did.

I am curious what's going on with Lulu. Would you share more about that relationship? Is she nearby or far away? Are things OK with her and you? Is she going to "remember" to tell anyone else she dates that she already has one bf?

 

[Magdlyn]

I think the partner has never been as invested in the relationship as you are. You really don't just forget that you're in a relationship...

It's the non-nesting partner ("Lulu") who forgot to tell a guy she was dating that she already had a bf and they had an open or polyamorous relationship. At least I think I've got that right. But I agree, you don't "forget" this, unless you're like, drunk, or something.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

It's the non-nesting partner ("Lulu") who forgot to tell a guy she was dating that she already had a bf and they had an open or polyamorous relationship. At least I think I've got that right. But I agree, you don't "forget" this, unless you're like, drunk, or something.

Isn't this the one with the new gf?

 

[Magdlyn]

Isn't this the one with the new gf?

My non-nesting partner liked to go out a bit and date guys. I didn't really mind this. But it did cause some problems when they [her new dating partners] thought the dating was getting serious, when she wasn't heading that direction. One time, a guy was interested, and she was in return. However, she forgot to be upfront about being poly and in a relationship, so we had some serious talks and she let him go. This didn't bother me a whole lot.

Here he seems to be referring to his "non-nesting partner" as the one who forgot to be upfront with a new dating partner.

Then he switches to talking about his nesting partner, but only calls her "she." See my earlier long reply.

 

[Evie]

What's going on with you is that your gf of 10 years has gone off sex and romance with you. She gives you a bit of release out of pity, but she's not into it, nor into men in general at all. So, it sounds to me like things are circling the drain. And I am sorry.

It's Lulu, not Nancy, who has expressed this change of sexuality. The whole post is about Lulu.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello K,

Sorry you are going through this, that sounds really rough. It sounds like your (non-nesting?) partner is cooling off towards you, and maybe she is moving more to the lesbian side of the sexual scale. You may have to transition to just being friends with her.

I hope this thread helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Evie]

Mod note: moved to blog section. OP is not looking for advice (as per pm).

 

[Magdlyn]

Wow, I am glad he PMed you, Evie. I was way off. I had the women mixed up and it seemed clear he was looking for advice.

Best wishes, Kayseal.

 

[Kayseal]

Wow, I am glad he PMed you, Evie. I was way off. I had the women mixed up and it seemed clear he was looking for advice.

Best wishes, Kayseal.

I can have a habit of trying to include a lot of details out of fear I will not get the right feedback, and that can come off as needing advice. But if you focus towards the very end you start to understand it is more about feelings and how to handle them, and not so much dealing with the situation between people.

I'm emotionally mature enough to understand that if I barge into a situation feeling insecure, it could do more harm than good. In my case, I was able to admit being vulnerable and having feelings at the right time and opportunity (in person and not while they are with someone else). But how I was feeling at the time was temporary, and did not match up with how things are and how they feel. E.g. I was feeling insecure about her only being into women, but in reality it is a LOT more to do with how well we connect (passionately, common interests, personality, etc) - information that I didn't disclose, hence made peoples opinion become biased, and hence make potentially inappropriate responses.

I learned this from another forum for young people back when I was younger: don't go telling people what to do. Help them figure things out for themselves.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I can have a habit of trying to include a lot of details out of fear I will not get the right feedback, and that can come off as needing advice. But if you focus towards the very end you start to understand it is more about feelings and how to handle them, and not so much dealing with the situation between people.

I'm emotionally mature enough to understand that if I barge into a situation feeling insecure, it could do more harm than good. In my case, I was able to admit being vulnerable and having feelings at the right time and opportunity (in person and not while they are with someone else). But how I was feeling at the time was temporary, and did not match up with how things are and how they feel. E.g. I was feeling insecure about her only being into women, but in reality it is a LOT more to do with how well we connect (passionately, common interests, personality, etc) - information that I didn't disclose, hence made peoples opinion become biased, and hence make potentially inappropriate responses.

I learned this from another forum for young people back when I was younger: don't go telling people what to do. Help them figure things out for themselves.

We're not paid therapists. We are forum members. You wrote in the advice asking section about your girlfriend becoming a lesbian. I don't think its very fair for you to lecture any of us about how we could have served you better.