Feeling less attracted to partner when he is in another relationship

[AlwaysGrowing]

I have stumbled across a problem I never expected. My hubby has recently started dating and becoming more sexual with another woman. Yay for him, right? Mostly right. I support that relationship, think she is great (for him, I really don't have tons in common with her but we get along well in general), and am glad that he is happy. HOWEVER, I feel myself less attracted to him when I know he's been talking sexy with her or has had a date with her. It feels like he is excited about her still, but since I'm around and she isn't he'll come onto me instead. Completely irrational, but it grosses me out.

I still feel horny. My libido is intact. My desire for hubby in particular is what has waned, and I'm not entirely sure why or how to go about getting over it. He has offered to limit their sexual contact, stop seeing her, and a multitude of other equally sweet/extreme measures to help restore this aspect of our relationship, but this is really something I just need to get the fuck over.

I have no doubt that part of the issue is that I went through a short, tumultuous relationship late last year and was really looking forward to and needing some stable time. Right when I felt like I needed this and tried to communicate it to him, hubby told me that he and Lady were going to actually start dating, etc., etc. He didn't realize how much I meant that I needed stability so when "we're going to take it slow" turned into "nothing is holding her back anymore so this is going to move at normal speed instead" a few weeks ago... BAM! Issues for me.

The things he has offered that affect their relationship, though, are things that I would hate to have imposed on me in a relationship. It's not her job to deal with my crap, although I know she is more than happy to help in whatever way she can. Just because I feel less sexual towards him doesn't mean she should GET to be sexual towards him.

I'm starting to ramble, but I wanted to try to present a somewhat complete picture and not just throw the problem up with no background info.

Has anyone else experienced this? Or have any advice in general?

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you hurt.

That was a bit confusing to read so I don't know how helpful I might be. But I'll try.

My desire for hubby in particular is what has waned, and I'm not entirely sure why or how to go about getting over it.

It's going to be hard to get over it if you don't know why it is is happening. But if spending time (figuring out why) is a time suck that keeps you all stuck in unpleasant limbo? Another way to solve it could be to just accept.

"I don't know why. It just IS. NOW what do we do about it to be free of UGH?" and just move it forward. DECIDE something to change and change it. And get out of limbo that way.

this is really something I just need to get the fuck over.

What is something you need to get over?
You not knowing "why" at this time and moving forward anyway?
You not willing to accept DH's help?
You not willing to be approached by DH too soon after a date?
You not wanting her to share sex with DH?

You are not specific. Could you clarify which you mean there?

I have no doubt that part of the issue is that I went through a short, tumultuous relationship late last year and was really looking forward to and needing some stable time. Right when I felt like I needed this and tried to communicate it to him, hubby told me that he and Lady were going to actually start dating, etc., etc. He didn't realize how much I meant that I needed stability so when "we're going to take it slow" turned into "nothing is holding her back anymore so this is going to move at normal speed instead" a few weeks ago... BAM! Issues for me.

He has offered to limit their sexual contact, stop seeing her, and a multitude of other equally sweet/extreme measures to help restore this aspect of our relationship, but this is really something I just need to get the fuck over.

So... he's willing to help organize a period of stability for you and you don't want it?

HOW do you want to get over it?

• Reduce your stress load by accepting your DH's offer to help and talk to him and meta about considering how to implement a "time out" or "slow down" at this time? So you can have the "stable period" you wanted?
  
• Or you want to get over it by making no changes in your behavior (keep resisting his help, keep resisting her help)?
• Or you want help with emotional management, but not from him or her (ex: counselor?)
• Something else I cannot think of?

The things he has offered that affect their relationship, though, are things that I would hate to have imposed on me in a relationship. It's not her job to deal with my crap, although I know she is more than happy to help in whatever way she can.

Are you saying your meta is willing to put in time/effort towards helping to create a harmonious polyship so all can enjoy the ride... but you don't want her willingness to help? You don't want DH's help? And you don't want to have a more harmonious polyship with these people?

Because if the shoe were on the other foot, you would not want to be asked if you would be willing to help in similar fashion? (Even though you are free to say "No. I am not willing/able to help you at this time" should that come to pass?)

I think you are connecting things that don't need to be connected. Worrying about some future problem (someone asking help of you) is in future.

Could focus on present issues.

• Do you want to be in polyship with these people?
• How willing are you to accept their help when you struggle?
• Are you willing to continue being DH's lover when he as the hinge has another concurrent lover? What do you need to feel safe?

Just because I feel less sexual towards him doesn't mean she should GET to be sexual towards him.

Are you saying you never wanted him to have sex with his GF ever? Because the previous sounds like "Ok, but not at THIS speed" and then this part sounds like "Not ok at all ever."

Right now it sounds like

• GF is willing and able to have concurrent sexual relationship with DH as the hinge.
• DH is willing and able to have concurrent sexual relationship with DH as the hinge.
• You are not willing and not able to have concurrent sexual relationship with DH as the hinge.

So could examine

• your willingness -- what blocks you?
  • It turns me off when he approaches me sexually too soon after a date with her. (What would you like instead? )
  • I don't want her to GET to be sexual towards him at this time. (What would you like instead? A "time out" because this is a "soft limit" and you need time to digest the changes? Or to acknowledge it as a "hard limit" that will never change in time and everyone get on with the business of everyone digesting that? )
• your ability -- what blocks you?
  • your willingness being set at "no" at this time.

Could you be willing to clarify? Is there anything else you would put under "what blocks me" in there?

You don't have to be SuperWoman. It's ok to have rough patches in polyshipping and we all bump up on personal limitations from time to time. The thing is to figure out what you want to do about it. You state you need to get past this (so the polyship can continue?) but do not state that you WANT to get past this.

Do you?

You could sit and think it out.

• Is this a soft limit that could change in time? Take a time out then. Figure out what "slow" means and how all of you will work through the transition. Figure out why you are resistant to accepting help from others.
  
• Is this a hard limit that will never change and you know it? Take him up on breaking it off then. Or you bow out. However it lands, land the polyship and step off it so you can be free of this. Because continuing it like this isn't yummy cookies.

Figure out what kind of limit this is for you, inform your polyship people where you stand, then move it forward from there so you can all be free of this rough patch.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

Yes. I am in the middle of experiencing exactly this.

My bf of just 2 years has spent the last 6 months trying to date 4 people. Each one has more or less fizzled out, but the last one is still trying to get off the ground.

He also has a somewhat romantic sexual relationship with my live-in gf. I've just barely gotten used to that.

Meanwhile I have had lots of other stresses. My gf and I decided to move in together after several years. We chose to move to be nearer my/our bf. No sooner did we move in to our new house, in May, 5 miles from him (I used to be 20 miles north of him, and I was 20 miles west of my gf), than he started dating others.

So, new house, new jobs for me and gf, new town to get used to, new rhythms to establish w bf now that we are closer. Meanwhile, we've had other stresses, family and job issues, and most recently our finished basement flooded and we've had to move our stuff around and we don't know yet when the new floor is going in, and it's been a month.

And, 2 of the 4 ppl my bf has tried to date have herpes. In fact with the latest woman, their 3rd date, which was probably going to be first full on sex, was put off yesterday b/c she told him she'd had a lesion all week (after allegedly not having had more than one in the past 10 years...).

So. Yeah. I have felt myself withdraw emotionally from him, since he's doing all this chatting up of, and dating, others. The flavor of our relationship has changed, I don't feel safe or secure. I feel upset and less sexual towards him.

 

[GalaGirl]

Wow -- Magdlyn, that's a lot of changes/stresses all piled up together!

GG

 

[Magdlyn]

Wow -- Magdlyn, that's a lot of changes/stresses all piled up together!

GG

It is, isn't it? I've been posting a lot about it in my blog. Add in, bf, Ginger, has Asperger's Syndrome, so communication can be difficult. He has told me just today my worries are "bizarre," and has told me I am "silly" as well.

 

[LovingRadiance]

Any new change has that effect on me. It doesn't have to necessarily be a new lover.

Additionally-anything that sucks away any bonding time (by this I don't mean time for sex-I mean time for talking, connecting, sharing intimacy) also has this effect on me. Again-it doesn't have to be a new lover.

So-I don't think that it is particularly unusual.

For me I need the connection time and that time is spent NOT talking about whatever other shit there is (kids, grandkids, jobs, other partners, school....) but talking about US and OUR life, OUR dreams, OUR future.

 

[willowstar]

I have stumbled across a problem I never expected. My hubby has recently started dating and becoming more sexual with another woman. Yay for him, right? Mostly right. I support that relationship, think she is great (for him, I really don't have tons in common with her but we get along well in general), and am glad that he is happy. HOWEVER, I feel myself less attracted to him when I know he's been talking sexy with her or has had a date with her. It feels like he is excited about her still, but since I'm around and she isn't he'll come onto me instead. Completely irrational, but it grosses me out.

I dont think this is irrational at all. You want your interactions with him to be genuine and not just aftereffect from his other relationship. You dont want to feel like the consolation prize...
How can you head this off? Maybe ask him to not offer or request sexual contact for a few hours after he has talked with her? Just ask for some "separation" of time and space around that? Or make date nights where he doesnt talk with her, just hangs out with you? It sounds to me like you need some more dedicated, intentional quality time from him where you aren't feeling like his other relationship is infringing upon yours?

I still feel horny. My libido is intact. My desire for hubby in particular is what has waned, and I'm not entirely sure why or how to go about getting over it. He has offered to limit their sexual contact, stop seeing her, and a multitude of other equally sweet/extreme measures to help restore this aspect of our relationship, but this is really something I just need to get the fuck over.

This is something I have tried to communicate to my husband. He finds his connection to me through physical contact. It is his main love language. But for me, I cannot get TO the physical contact unless I am already feeling the emotional connection. If I dont have that, I feel as though I am just going through the motions and "getting him off", which sets off lots of triggers in me. It is possible you are needing that emotional connection with him more than anything, and you may find that the sexual one comes back once you have restablished that?

I have no doubt that part of the issue is that I went through a short, tumultuous relationship late last year and was really looking forward to and needing some stable time. Right when I felt like I needed this and tried to communicate it to him, hubby told me that he and Lady were going to actually start dating, etc., etc. He didn't realize how much I meant that I needed stability so when "we're going to take it slow" turned into "nothing is holding her back anymore so this is going to move at normal speed instead" a few weeks ago... BAM! Issues for me.

The things he has offered that affect their relationship, though, are things that I would hate to have imposed on me in a relationship. It's not her job to deal with my crap, although I know she is more than happy to help in whatever way she can. Just because I feel less sexual towards him doesn't mean she should GET to be sexual towards him.

Do you mean that if you are not sexual with him, he will just get his needs met with her? I think that presumes that his needs are purely physical and does not take into consideration his relationship and emotional connection to you. I would hope that he would want both, and will cultivate both with you.

You need to feel safe in your relationship with him, because that other one felt very unsafe? Or just knocked you for a loop? And instead of doing that with you, he went and started one of his own? I think if you guys just can acknowledge for each other what is happening (you feel unsafe or unneeded, he has NRE and needs an outlet for all that energy) you can hopefully find a solution that works for everyone.

Perhaps bringing her into the discussion at some point will help everyone, knowing that she knows what is happening for you and can contribute to the solution? She may not feel put out at all, you may be presuming that is how she will feel. If you give her the chance, she may just step up and give you guys the space and time to work it out.

Hope you feel better soon!

Willow

 

[london]

This would be something that makes me question my suitability to this relationship style. If I'm going to feel pushed away of distance myself anytime a partner starts something new, polyamory will be futile.

 

[fuchka]

This would be something that makes me question my suitability to this relationship style. If I'm going to feel pushed away of distance myself anytime a partner starts something new, polyamory will be futile.

I'd disagree with this, for myself.

I've experienced this situation more from the perspective of being the partner with a new lover. Depending on how things feel for me, in the new relationship, it can affect my ability to connect with my existing partners. Desire can get muddy, and I'm not always able to keep a clear sense of how I'm attracted to each person.

It varies.

Sometimes a new sexual relationship makes me generally more sexual, my libido soars for everyone.

Othertimes, especially if a new connection feels like it's 'unlocking me' in new ways, or we're exploring new ground together, it can take me a period of adjustment to have a good enough sense of my sexual weather to feel present with "old relationship energy" partners.

There's a closeness I crave, when coupling with another person: feeling that you're both absolutey, unreseveredly there. I know that sometimes, when I've had new partners sweep me away, I need a bit of time to find my footing after the experience.

This sometimes means I have to make space to 'come down' from intense sexual intimacy with one person, before trying to connect with someone else.

Maybe your husband feels the same way, and you're picking up on this.

Maybe you've felt this way before, and are fearing this is what is happening, for him.

You could ask your husband whether he's horny for you, the same as he always has been, or if it feels differently at the moment. I think it's okay to admit that the hectic rush of a new relationship is making you feel unable to focus well enough (for a while) on partners you've been with for longer.

It could be that it's more your fear than a real vibe from him, though. In that case, you may need him to work harder somehow to make you feel especially wanted. To be mindful of you, to be focused on you, and show it.

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

Sorry to completely ignore this - had an unexpected family emergency that required traveling across the country.

Hubby and I have talked about it. A lot. He is trying to accept that my lack of desire for him just is and that it will change whenever I am feeling more comfortable in general. We have always had to work on recognizing that we value different things when it comes to maintaining a relationship - I am definitely a quality time person who needs uninterrupted, completely focused on me, set aside time for dates while he needs physical touch - so cuddling before falling asleep is enough to keep him happy.

My need for quality time is rarely met. He works full-time and goes to school full-time (half on campus/half online). I work full-time. He is pretty much only available for any extended amount of time on the weekends, and I work both weekend days for the time being (this is changing in a few months, yay!). We also live on a tight budget so while we both get a tiny bit of money to spend on whatever we want, this often ends up going towards dinners/lunches while at work if we ran late and didn't pack something and things like that. Avoidable, yes, but a hard habit to break, and our financial situation will be more flexible once he is done with school in less than a year.

He is definitely willing to work harder to make sure we set aside more actual date time for the two of us - including dragging himself out of bed at a decent time to make it happen which he has always struggled with, and we have figured out a way to fit 2 such times in each week (one mid-week on a day he doesn't have much school stuff before he goes to work, and one weekend evening after I get off work).

I'm not willing to ask or demand that he make any changes to his other relationship. It is his life, and his choice on how he wants to proceed. While she has said she is willing to help however she can, she continues to push for more and more regardless of me saying that I had expected them to take it slow (since that's what they said the were going to do) and asking if that was still possible. She's swept up in NRE, while his kind of got cut short by the issues I've been having. He knows that I do not want him approaching me for sex or acting sexy towards me when they have been sexual - either virtually or IRL. He is working on accepting and changing behavior patterns to respect that. He has also mentioned being interested in trying to have more dates OUT of a space where they could be sexual, when they have day dates while I'm at work, but he has yet to actually make that happen.

Overall, I think we're working on it. I'm still not entirely sure WHY it affects me. He's had sexual relationships with multiple people over the years and it's always been fine or exciting for me. Many were people we were fucking together, though, so that is very different. Other than an issue with whatever scent one woman he dated wore (it upset my stomach, so he had to shower/change clothes ASAP when he got home or she left here - it was very potent and I'm kind of sensitive to scents), I've never reacted like this to him being with someone else.

 

[Magdlyn]

I can't believe he has time for 2 partners when he is working full time and going to school full time!

 

[bookbug]

Given that this not usual for you, I am wondering if it could be something like you two are just over-scheduled, and you are overwhelmed - like you can't deal with just one more stimulus? When he has been other women in the past was your schedule this tight? Frankly, just reading it made me tired. LOL!

Or..., and this is out of left field - could you be pregnant?

Sorry about the family emergency. I hope it is resolving and everything is going to be all right.

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

I can't believe he has time for 2 partners when he is working full time and going to school full time!

Yeah... That's something we're working on. Luckily, he has less than a year of school left (this time around) so hopefully he can find a job that is less of a drain on him when that time is up, too.

Given that this not usual for you, I am wondering if it could be something like you two are just over-scheduled, and you are overwhelmed - like you can't deal with just one more stimulus? When he has been other women in the past was your schedule this tight? Frankly, just reading it made me tired. LOL!

Or..., and this is out of left field - could you be pregnant?

Sorry about the family emergency. I hope it is resolving and everything is going to be all right.

I am fairly certain it has been the timing and everything. I've been stressed for a variety of reasons (financial, professional, and personal) so adding on the constant shifting of expectations from hubby was just not working. Definitely NOT pregnant, thank goodness.

We are slowly but surely improving. Still not having sex nearly often enough to satisfy either one of us, but it's at least happening, and more cuddling is happening which makes him feel a bit better. Lady and I also had a wonderful chat a few days ago, to kind of get on the same page and she understands WHY I've been struggling a lot better now. While she was aware that the breakup with Doomed affected me a lot, she didn't realize that it had kind of rocked me to the core. She is much more content to take the time she is currently getting without pushing for more, until either I offer it or until hubby is out of school - which is something I really appreciate since it is obvious how important quality time is to me. I feel bad that I am denying it to her (in a way), but it seems necessary. And who knows - maybe a month down the road I will feel a million times better and they can go full speed ahead. Time will tell.