Feeling lost in open relationship

H

hsun

New member
My partner and I have been together for 3 years. For most of our relationship, we've been navigating an open relationship. We both have reasons for having it this way but sadly it's been feeling rocky lately.

We have ground rules in place but are still learning about new ones and forgoing old ones. A woman my partner is seeing recently suggested that they go camping together. He mentioned this to me and I was immediately triggered from a past and similar experience with him and a female friend. He wanted to go camping with just her, it made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. The three of us ended up camping together as a resolution.

I thought that he would have known from that experience that I am clearly sensitive to trips with other people. Because I don't consider us to be polyamorous in that we aren't looking for significant relationships outside of our own, I believe camping with someone is a very intimate experience. Its at a point where I feel like I'm being forced to accept what he wants to do and just shut down my feelings. I don't know what to do and feel like he is not putting our relationship first, which is so so important. It hurts me so much that he doesn't listen to the pain in my voice. Is this more important than our realtionship?

Any advice for talking to him about this and making it clear that it's a deal breaker? I'm at a point that it's too much for me to handle and if he were to do so I would have to consider leaving him. Mind you, I'm supporting him at the moment. I don't want it to feel like a threat but I can't ignore my feelings.
 
My advice for how to talk to him is to actually talk to him. Don't rely on his experience of your previous sensitivity to similar situations or expect him to pick up on something as nebulous as vocal inflection, tell him what you want him to know using words rather than expecting him to read your mind.
 
I agree. Spell it out. Because people change over time, he cannot be a mind reader and just "know" this still bothers you.

Be nice if he remembered and asked "Hey... does camping still bother you? Is that still off limits? Because X asked me to go camping."

But it looks like he DID inform you.

"X asked me to go camping. That ok with you?" or similar.

You could respond rather than take it personally and get all wound up. Be honest in your response. Maybe something like

"Thanks for telling me. Camping still bothers me. I find it a really intimate thing to be doing with someone. It's a deal breaker to me. How about ____ instead?" (suggest some less triggery activity)

I'm at a point that it's too much for me to handle and if he were to do so I would have to consider leaving him. Mind you, I'm supporting him at the moment. I don't want it to feel like a threat but I can't ignore my feelings.
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What is "it?" If it is not just the camping activity but it is that trying to be Open or Poly is putting you super on edge? Be honest about that ask to slow it down or stop entirely.

Galagirl
 
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We already talked about it a bit. When he brought it up, I was having something similar to a panic attack. He could see that and wanted me to calm down but also was upset that he couldn't bring something like that up without me getting upset. I like the idea of an open relationship but he's definitely exploring it more (I work full time and he is currently unemployed).

I feel like because I'm the one that is less comfortable with things, I'm the bad guy when he brings something up. It's not that he forces me to do things but i feel guilted into "loosening up." We just moved somewhere together and I'm clearly having a hard time with it, why push something like this so soon with someone he's only gone out with a few times? It's like because he's so desperate for these experiences, he chooses to put those before me. Obviously I shouldn't always come first but if I'm this upset about it, why push it?
 
How is he pushing? Is asking in and of itself pushing?

Is camping off the table? Why? Is it the overnight that bothers you? Or is it simply because he wanted to do it in the past and it hurt you? Why does camping have more emotional weight then other dates? What does an ideal open relationship looks like to you? Are there other issues at play? I know I would struggle if I was working full time and my partner was spending all of their time dating. How would they pay for the trip?

After you had something like panic attack what was his response? Are panic attacks normal for you?
 
We just moved somewhere together and I'm clearly having a hard time with it, why push something like this so soon with someone he's only gone out with a few times?
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You could ask him that. If you just moved and are having a hard time adjusting to living in the new place/town?

Could he be willing to come home after dates with this woman for X weeks so can acclimate to the new move stuff first. And do overnight camping things later so you don't have to be doing two big adjustments at the same time?

You mention he is unemployed. Is he bored at home? Lonely? Using (dating this woman) as escapism or distraction from (seeking job) if job hunting is not going so well?

It's like because he's so desperate for these experiences, he chooses to put those before me. Obviously I shouldn't always come first but if I'm this upset about it, why push it?
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Again.. you have to ask him that. Why does he push it rather than suggest ways to problem solve/compromise/collaborate?

I have anxiety/panic attacks. I know some things in life cannot be helped. But the ones that CAN be helped? I try not to pile them up on myself because overstressed me can lead to a panic attack. My spouse is willing to not add to my load on purpose. He puts things on our Google calendar well ahead of time so there's no surprises for me.

Emergencies that cannot be helped -- illness, hospital, accidents, etc -- well, those cannot be helped and I get that.

So ask him... how willing is he to pace things out so it's not piling on double load stress on you?

Because it doesn't sound like you are saying "No, never date her" or "No, never have an overnight."

It sounds like you are saying "No, don't pile up several loads of stress on me at the same time."

Galagirl
 
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I guess him asking me for something like this feels like he's telling me it will happen, even though that's not the case (just my insecurities). I've calmed down a bit since last night but still feel upset. We will talk about it more later today.

I've explained this to him but it seems he doesn't feel the same way. Camping feels intimate to me because we've done a lot of sexual exploration outdoors. We've gone camping together many times and it feels like big part of our relationship. He says that although he agrees to some extent, he doesn't consider camping to be a special thing just between us. He loves camping and wants to do it with everyone. Maybe I could consider them doing that together if he agrees not to have sex with her? I'm not even sure if that would make me feel any better.

I think the overnight aspect bothers me as well. It made sense to stay over with people we were seeing when we were long distance, but now that we live together, I hate the idea of not having him come home at all one night. We haven't taken it completely off the table but it's clear that he'd prefer sleepovers and I wouldn't. Maybe I'm jealous that he's clearly forming a relationship with this person where as I haven't found someone to explore long term with. I have trouble sleeping without him (still getting used to our new place) and it hurts to think that he would choose to spend the night with someone else knowing that it's difficult for me.

It's easy to feel exploited, even if it's not the case, in our situation. I am financially responsible for us right now and clearly have more boundaries than he does. I feel like the bad guy but can't ignore my feelings.
 
Hi hsun,

I'm sure it is frustrating, knowing that your partner knows how upset you are, knowing that he knows camping and overnights are triggers for you, yet he goes ahead and pushes it anyway. Obviously you have talked to him about it but he seemingly doesn't want to listen. Apparently he is so desperate for these experiences, that he goes ahead and tries to plan them anyway even though he can see that it makes you upset. Then if you say no, it makes you look like the bad guy, and that's not fair. So I am sure that you're feeling frustrated.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Hsun,

Someone linked me to the concept of polyamoryville a while ago and like a chain letter gone viral, I've posted many links to it myself. The senior members on this forum are probably getting sick of me linking the one resource, but perhaps showing this to your hubby will help?

Best of luck,
Shaya
 
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It's easy to feel exploited, even if it's not the case, in our situation. I am financially responsible for us right now and clearly have more boundaries than he does. I feel like the bad guy but can't ignore my feelings.
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Is he doing his fair share in the home while he's unemployed? Like the house stuff? Or are you doing it all?

Is he spending enough fun time with you as well as dating others? Or is this like you do all the work in and outside the home, and he goes off to have fun with other people and you are taken for granted?

Galagirl
 
I do find myself feeling like I do a lot of the work in the house but I know that he does stuff during the day. We're hoping he'll get this job that he interviewed for recently.

We had a great talk last night and agreed to have him come home after being with someone for at least a few weeks so that I can see how it makes me feel. As for the camping situation, we haven't talked much about that. It still gives me anxiety to think about it but I came to the conclusion that I could handle it if I were on a trip of my own or if he agrees to not have sex with her while camping. I don't know if that seems unfair but those are the only ways I can see myself dealing with it.

My partner is good to me and is emotionally incredibly supportive. I think the jealousy I'm dealing with this girl specifically is that i was worried he could potentially fall for her (since this is the longest he's continued seeing someone). We talked it over and he made me feel so secure and confident in no one being able to take what we have away. I have a few dates set up for myself next week. I hate feeling like I have to be "competitive"with my partner, in that I feel like I need someone consistent to feel better about him having someone. That's a pretty normal problem I'm the poly world, right?

Thank you all for your kind responses. It's allowed me to think about things from a different perspective but also hold him accountable for his actions (in that I know I'm not crazy for having these feelings).
 
Sounds like things have improved, that's good to hear.
 
Hsun,

You sound like you process a lot like I do, lol. These are some situations and also thoughts that have crept into my head as well.

Some has been resolved by really, really trying to put myself into his place and understanding that yes its exciting, yes its fun, yes maybe a little anxious to try, but It's OK.

But I have had the exact same thoughts, and at first it seems neither of us will budge, but after allowing each of us to just reflect or process in a the way we each need to, were able to talk and generally work out a solution (temporary compromise) if needed.

But I get its hard. Were actually taking a step back right now, because (my husband) went from one very serious relationship, and jumped right into another one.

It got hard on both sides, he became afraid to ask for things (because I expected him to read my mind) and of course the twinges on my side.

We are taking a small break from twinges, a couple weeks to a couple of months, to learn more and talk with people, and just to have that break from the emotional so we can regroup.

One thing we always talk about, is WHY we want to do this. I think it's important to keep that in mind. It's a motivator to keep us going at whatever capacity we can handle at the moment. Because there are moments we have had what seems like the worst fights we have ever had (and without that goal in mind, its easy to just give up), however, the communication after these bad fights, have been miles better than anything we had ever attempted before. Fights before resulted in one of us just giving in. Now, we really dig deep. And every time we come out closer because of it.
 
The first person I thought of when I read the OP is Alistarose and here she is, the post before mine. :D

Is it about what you associate camping with? Profound life changing wilderness experiences away from the "world" (that should be shared only with you) or loud boisterous crowd of adrenaline junkies that take little seriously (you'd like your partner to be taking things more seriously), etc or whatever.

I think like there is no such thing as "little bit pregnant", there isn't such a thing as "little bit open" it is just a recipe for heart break to obsess over what they are doing. It would be useful to ask yourself what you'd like your partner to be doing instead of going on that camping trip and ask them to do that with you. What are you missing in order to be happy is a more useful question than what can you do to accept/prevent them going camping. The second will at best give you an illusion of control. The other may be fun and intimate enough that you don't feel out of control.
 
hsun said:
I think the jealousy I'm dealing with this girl specifically is that i was worried he could potentially fall for her (since this is the longest he's continued seeing someone).
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I have bad news and good news.

He has already fallen for her. And he is still with you.

This is worth thinking about for a while. That perhaps your assumption that him liking someone is a threat to him liking you is not correct.
 
anamikanon said:
I have bad news and good news.

He has already fallen for her. And he is still with you.

This is worth thinking about for a while. That perhaps your assumption that him liking someone is a threat to him liking you is not correct.
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I think that you may be right and that's why it's been so hard... However, we've talked about it and he tells me that nothing can replace what we have, that what we have is special and not comparable to any other connection he has. I don't think that he's in love with her... but he has been very patient with her (they haven't slept together yet and she recently got out of a messy divorce). I think she may also feel guilty about being with him because she's not poly and was cheated on.

Neither of us have seen anyone long term since we were long distance. We're in a new place together that I want to explore with him and it feels like what they do together is taking those experiences from me... and because he is so patient with her, it feels more emotionally charged which is difficult for me to comprehend. Maybe because I haven't experienced having deeper feelings for someone else in our open relationship, I feel left out?

Once in a while, I have these horrible feelings of insecurity thinking about them together. I know that he loves me and he only sees her once every couple of weeks but I'm having a hard time coping. I guess I want that connection with someone else too. I wonder if meeting her would make me feel better? I don't want her to just be using him emotionally and feel like meeting her could pit these insecurities to rest.
 
We're in a new place together that I want to explore with him and it feels like what they do together is taking those experiences from me... and because he is so patient with her, it feels more emotionally charged which is difficult for me to comprehend.
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That sounds like envy. You want something you think she has -- his patience, time, etc.

Is he spending quality time with you doing the exploring of a new home/place? I read about him telling you he loves you and stuff. Reassuring words. What about reassuring actions?

I wonder if meeting her would make me feel better? I don't want her to just be using him emotionally and feel like meeting her could pit these insecurities to rest.
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I don't understand that bit.

How's she using him emotionally?:confused:

Galagirl
 
GalaGirl said:
That sounds like envy. You want something you think she has -- his patience, time, etc.

Is he spending quality time with you doing the exploring of a new home/place? I read about him telling you he loves you and stuff. Reassuring words. What about reassuring actions?



I don't understand that bit.

How's she using him emotionally?:confused:

Galagirl
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Ah, you responded to my last post! This is the same girl... just a separate issue that's sort of been resolved (he won't plan an overnight until I feel more comfortable and secure.

You're right... I suppose it is envy. I've been trying to get in better shape and they do a lot of active things together. Since posting this, I've been feeling a lot more secure. He took me on a little trip over the weekend and is constantly making sure that I get his attention when needed... i.e. I was having a hard mental health day when we got back from our trip... who knows why but I was feeling down. He wanted to go on a bike ride before it got dark but he could tell that I was upset and made me talk to him about my feelings. I kept telling him he should go before it got dark but he stayed until I was clearly feeling okay.

He does stuff like that all the time but I guess I choose to see the negative things over the positive (something I am desperately working on).

See other post for why I think she may be using him... but basically comes down to that she was recently divorced from her ex husband because he cheated on her. it just feels like she is using him for emotional support / company since they haven't slept together yet.
 
He does stuff like that all the time but I guess I choose to see the negative things over the positive (something I am desperately working on).
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That could be something to work on.

...basically comes down to that she was recently divorced from her ex husband because he cheated on her. it just feels like she is using him for emotional support / company since they haven't slept together yet
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They are dating, and taking it slow and not rushing into sharing sex. I think that would be sensible if someone is just coming out of divorce. Not to rush things. How does that make her a "user?":confused:

If he's happy giving her emotional support... where is problem? Is it jealousy? You fear that what you have (his emotional support) is going to be taken away/lessened by (him also giving her emotional support)?

Even if she is using him... isn't is his job to sort all that out? Do you think it his job to recognize when someone is treating him poorly and walk away?

I guess that's why I'm confused. You don't sound like you are keeping good boundaries. You are taking on stuff that is not your stuff or your responsibility.

Galagirl
 
GalaGirl said:
That could be something to work on.



They are dating, and taking it slow and not rushing into sharing sex. I think that would be sensible if someone is just coming out of divorce. Not to rush things. How does that make her a "user?":confused:

If he's happy giving her emotional support... where is problem? Is it jealousy? You fear that what you have (his emotional support) is going to be taken away/lessened by (him also giving her emotional support)?

Even if she is using him... isn't is his job to sort all that out? Do you think it his job to recognize when someone is treating him poorly and walk away?

I guess that's why I'm confused. You don't sound like you are keeping good boundaries. You are taking on stuff that is not your stuff or your responsibility.

Galagirl
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He constantly talks about how he has always been seen as the guy that people use for emotional support and tells me that I'm the only person that he's willing to do that for. I think he's willing to let her take advantage of something that he clearly needs to work on because he wants to sleep with her... which is understandable. I guess this is something he needs to figure out for himself, you're right.. it's not my responsibility. it's something that he needs to figure out for himself and so I try to only speak positively about her when he vents to me about feeling lead on. He's just been hurt so much in the past that I guess I'm overprotective and would hate for her to break it off and him get nothing physical out of it...

I guess I've gotten used to him having things more similar to one night stands... and so yes I'm jealous that they are actually taking time to get to know each other. I guess that's something I've been looking for myself and so it's scary for him to make that progression before me. I love him and am excited that he found someone to get to know but I can't help but feel left out I suppose...
 
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