Feeling poly but not in practice

P

Polymalelove

New member
Hello all,
This is my first post here.
I'm really sorry many people here are suffering and struggling with poly life. It's not an easy road because we have to face our insecurities and fears, invest much effort to decode our feelings until we get tired and drained by uncovering something that has never been analyzed properly: ourselves.
Everyone should answer some simple questions in order to be happy: What do I want for my life? How can I be happy and calm? Do I know that my pleasure depends on the choices I make?
My main goal is to be fine with every decision I take: mono, poly, lonely or whatever.
Personally, I've been practicing poly lifestyle for more than three years now and I'm quite confident with it, though I've never fell in love with a second partner yet. I don't mean a crush one can have for a few hot nights but love.
I've met many people, most of them were initially reluctant I already had a partner, and after a month or so have definitively run away. Was it my fault? I really don't know. Maybe people realize their expectations are not met because I love spending the entire weekend with my 3 years partner, or they feel put apart as they notice I'm deeply in love with him, or they're simply monogamous, or they're not interested in developing a relationship at all.The fact is that I can't fall in love in one month, not anymore.
Chances are that even if I were alone I could not have found a partner. Or not?
Have you ever find yourself in a position that you start wondering if poly is for you because you realize you can't fight heavy monogamous beliefs in society and in the people you meet?
Can you give new partners the same amount of affection and time you have for a person you already know and love?
 
I meet potential partners on dating sites where some people are polyamorous, or at least are open to having a partner who is. I don't have any way to meet people in "real life," (no job, no church, no social groups) so I'm not, for example, crushing on a co-worker and wishing it could become more. So I haven't encountered anyone with "heavy monogamous beliefs", other than a few jackasses on the dating sites who found it necessary to call me a cheating bitch.

The only time "monogamous beliefs" has been an issue was with a man who was afraid of the reactions of his employers, coworkers, and some of his family if they learned he was dating a married woman. That didn't stop him from being in a committed relationship with me for over a year, but it was unquestionably one of the factors in him choosing not to continue the relationship.

I don't think "affection" is a quantifiable thing. How do you measure "amount of affection"? It's a meaningless question in my opinion. You feel however you feel toward the people you're involved with. As for time, whether or not it's possible to devote the same amount to a second partner depends on your schedules, your time-management skills, and the agreements you have with your partners. But why would you need to give two partners each the same amount of time? They aren't the same person. In polyamory, everything does not have to be equal. It has to be fair, ethical, and agreeable to the people involved. Not equal.
 
Hi. Great post. I think we have to know ourselves no matter what path we choose.

You posed two questions:

Have you ever find yourself in a position that you start wondering if poly is for you because you realize you can't fight heavy monogamous beliefs in society and in the people you meet?
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I actually did. I fell in love with someone who turned out to be monogamous. She was fine with dating, but when she fell in love she wanted me all to herself. Almost went there, but I knew monogamy wasn't for me.

Can you give new partners the same amount of affection and time you have for a person you already know and love?
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That's a tough one. I currently live on the opposite side of the country from my long term love. Time is not an issue. If we lived together it would probably be an issue for her. I could give an equal amount of affection, but I don't know if I would split my time equally. Fortunately, there is no rule in poly that says you have to give each partner equal time.
 
vinsanity0 said:
Fortunately, there is no rule in poly that says you have to give each partner equal time.
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Thankfully, this is true. Also, time does not equal affection. At All. I feel enormous affection for a person that I see about an hour a week. I don't know why there's a huge push in poly for "getting time in." Just spending time with a person has very little to do with the alchemy that is love.
 
Hi Polymalelove,

As far as I can tell there's nothing you're doing wrong. I think poly arrangements are just harder to put together than monogamous pairings. Have patience. Don't give up hope.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Polymalelove said:
Have you ever find yourself in a position that you start wondering if poly is for you because you realize you can't fight heavy monogamous beliefs in society and in the people you meet?
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No I have never doubted my being poly just because of society or for any other reason. Actually no one seems to give a hoot about my love life.

Polymalelove said:
Can you give new partners the same amount of affection and time you have for a person you already know and love?
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Yes.. I love them differently for the individuals they are. Just like my friends and children. Both my husband are good men. I do not compare the two. I love each for who they are and what they bring to my life. I do not have a cap for the amount of affection I can have in my life.

Other than life getting in the way I spend as close to 50/50% as I can with each of my men. Unfortunately I have to work for a living as do my husbands. Just because I am not attached to either of their hips it doesn't mean one means more than the other. You have to be flexible to make my lifestyle work. Instead of being rigid I have learned to be flexible and use the flow of life to my advantage instead of fighting it.
 
Polymalelove said:
Have you ever find yourself in a position that you start wondering if poly is for you because you realize you can't fight heavy monogamous beliefs in society and in the people you meet?
Can you give new partners the same amount of affection and time you have for a person you already know and love?
Click to expand...

I think you're misunderstanding the problem. This isn't about evil society's evil monogamous beliefs (NOTE: I'm speaking a little facetiously here), or the 'monogamous beliefs' of the people you're meeting. It's about the fact that you are taken, you are committed, you are by your own admission not in love with these people. So why should they stick around?

What is it you have to offer them that's so incredible that they should overlook the fact you will never be a committed life partner to them? You will never fully share the burdens and joys of life with them. You will never have children or own a home with them. Or can you offer these things?

Most people dating are looking for these things, and it's rare that a poly person, already in a committed relationship, can offer them. It's rare that a poly person can be fully, equally committed to two separate people at the same time.

Have you asked these people why they've 'run away?'

Just a thought: I told my XBF VERY CLEARLY why I 'ran away,' and I don't think he's learned a thing from hearing it. I 'ran away' (ie, dumped him) because I am not a second class citizen, I am not a plaything to be used in the backseat of his car because his wife suddenly has insecurity and jealousy when she sees him fall in love. I am not some 'emotional subby' to his 'real' relationship. I am not some play thing that is never going to impact his life...real people, real love DOES impact our lives...and when I was treated as some THING that could be shoved in a corner of their real life, only to be taken out to entertain him while she was off fucking other men...yeah, you're darn right I 'ran away.'

Either I'm a real person to him, or I'm through. I'm not there, I don't know anything about these people who 'ran away.' But I know from a great deal of reading of people who were secondaries, that most if not all of them end up feeling like play things.

Again...just a thought.

What exactly is it you WANT from these outside, secondary, relationships?
 
Polymalelove said:
Hello all,
I've met many people, most of them were initially reluctant I already had a partner.
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This is probably a big part of your problem. If folk are initially reluctant and need to be talked into it, they probably aren't all that into what you suggest and are more likely to leave.

Maybe you need to adjust your own expectation of other people. You are deeply in love with a partner who you wish to spend the vast majority of your spare time with.

I'm certain that there are many people who would happily accept the time and energy you have free to spend with them. They just might not accept it for very long. People might seek that for a while but then most may drift off to look for a partner that they can spend their weekends with. Or they may do it for a while but ultimately be looking for marriage and children. Or they may hope to continue it but they may fall in love with somebody who wants monogamy and agree to that.

What you describe being able to offer is something I could see myself seeking in the future if my life changed significantly. I would expect it to be a relationship that had no bearing on the decisions I make about my own life and therefore to be something that I could walk away from without any difficulty on either side whenever I chose something incompatible.

IP
 
Hardly any one is going to stick around knowing that they are going to be treated as second fiddle to someone else.
 
WhatHappened said:
... I know from a great deal of reading of people who were secondaries, that most if not all of them end up feeling like play things. .....
What exactly is it you WANT from these outside, secondary, relationships?
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I agree that this is all about what Polymale is putting out there, not about "society" - so it's important for you, Polymale, to get clear about what you want so that you attract people who are in alignment with your vision. If you're having a hard time fighting heavy monogamous beliefs, that is you, not "society." You can always transform your beliefs. What is "true" is always in flux, according to what you choose to focus upon.

That said, all "secondaries" do not end up feeling like playthings. Again, it's all about aligning with what you want. Personally, I'm only interested in "secondary" relationships and I have a few that are full of love, respect, joy - and sometimes some incredibly hot and satisfying "back seat" encounters. Things are never inherently good or bad - it's all about what you bring to the situation.

What do you want, Polymale? Get absolutely clear on that and all of the people who aren't in line with your vision won't even enter into the equation.
 
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Hi,

Thank you very much for your responses, they make me reflect.
As an almost middle aged gay male living in Italy I wouldn't be able to get married or have children soon. Italy is still ignoring those civil rights and the Vatican influence is so strong that I doubt an agreement will be reached soon.

About cultural beliefs: most gay couples open their relationships only for few sex sessions, because the fear that things can get serious is a red flag for them. Loving someone else is often seen as a betrayal but sex is ok. According to my feelings, instead, sex is more satisfying when there is closeness and intimacy. That's why I am discouraged.
Moreover, single people I meet online or at gay events, as soon as I say I'm poly and I have an already estabilished relationship, reply they're available for sex only. I think that's a core belief.

What do I want? I need other relationships and I certainly can give love to other people. I also don't believe into hierarchical relationships: I don't live with my partner and I'm available most of the evenings to meet with others, apart from those of the weekends.

I'm not able to fall head over wheels for others in two months. And my relationships did not last more than this.
Probably people are expecting heavy crush from me. I really love cuddling, kissing and hugging when I'm in love, but I'm quite distant and cold at the beginning, as I need to feel comfortable and confident at first. That's the reason why I talked about the same amount of affection in my previous post, and I was wondering if you could fall in love easily and be devoted to someone new from the beginning. I'm sorry if my English is not perfect but I'm not mother tongue; I hope you can understand what I mean.

I'd like to find another significant other, but sometimes I feel I'm only having promiscuous encounters that I don't like.

Thank you all for your support. Hugs (yes, even if I'm not confident with you :) )

Maurizio.
 
Polymalelove said:
I'd like to find another significant other, but sometimes I feel I'm only having promiscuous encounters that I don't like.
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Maurizio, if you'd truly like this to change, then you have to know that it's all about what you are focusing upon and not about other people, their beliefs or what is commonly accepted in your milieu. I'm a 54 year old woman with a severely special needs child, married to a very traditional man, living in a very traditional suburban world, yet I openly enjoy lover relationships with mutually respectful emotional attachment and commitment to autonomy at the same time. I don't have these relationships because I am "lucky" but because I make it my business to focus upon what I want and allow it into my life. To allow such love into my heart, unfettered by fear or convention, is one of the most challenging experiences I've known (way more challenging than autism!) but I've come to see that it is possible to have any kind of relationships you desire, no matter the roadblocks you see around you. The only real roadblock is you and what you allow for yourself to be possible. It's never about what the people around you are doing or saying. It's always about what you choose to focus upon and what you believe is possible for you.
 
Thank you Karen,
By reading your answer I'm beginning to see things through a different perspective: the world we live in is the world we choose, and that's true.
Probably I'm blaming others for something that I'm afraid of.
What do you suggest in practice? Should I change my approach with others and be more supportive and present? Which is your best approach to communicate your needs as you're also living in a not so poly friendly part of the world? How can you facilitate the needs with your family and the needs of your significant others without hurting them?
Best regards,
Maurizio.
 
I'd suggest finding people who are okay with a friends with benefits arrangement with emphasis on the friends part. You could do this by looking for people as you have been but making it clear that you'd like people you can spend non-sexual time with too.

I've been in a similar situation to you, actually, and I found that I got through that by reaching out for "casual dating", "friends" and "casual sex". I found people I shared enough in common with to be friends but were also open to having a sexual relationship too. Before that, I put out that I was looking for "serious relationships" or something like that which meant that I was mostly coming across poly people searching for a primary partner.
 
Polymalelove said:
Can you give new partners the same amount of affection and time you have for a person you already know and love?
Click to expand...

It probably depends on the people involved and each individual situation. When I fell for Dude, he and MrS were already friends and spent a LOT of time together (I work long hours and am not always available). After our rocky start (due to my jack-assery) it seemed natural to move Dude in - and that has worked out fine. It allowed me to give each boy the time that they needed within the confines of my work obligations.

If a new partner came along that wasn't able to live with us or spend time with me at my home? Then the affection might be there but the TIME would not. (I am a home-body and need lots of "nesting" time - if I have to leave my house to see you, then our time will be limited.)
 
WhatHappened said:
... It's rare that a poly person can be fully, equally committed to two separate people at the same time.
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Rare or not. It IS possible. Some of us here manage to do it - me, BlueBird, Phy, Dagferi, others. For others, not everyone is interested in the typical "relationship escalator" model of relationship. Dude, for instance, is interested in multiple "secondary type" relationships with happily married women to satisfy his need for regular and varied sex.
 
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I'm in an MFM V where things are kept pretty equal between the two guys. Theoretically they're supposed to be exactly equal, but I don't think either guy is keeping that close of track.
 
JaneQSmythe said:
Rare or not. It IS possible. Some of us here manage to do it - me, BlueBird, Phy, Dagferi, others. For others, not everyone is interested in the typical "relationship escalator" model of relationship. Dude, for instance, is interested in multiple "secondary type" relationships with happily married women to satisfy his need for regular and varied sex.
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I'd argue that most poly people live with a primary partner and have secondary relationships. Few have what is commonly termed as "practical entanglements" with more than one person. The reality is that the metamours have to be compatible as housemates and that's rarely the case. Especially when you factor in kids, the other partners, family responsibilities etc. I don't think it's particularly helpful to advise people to strive for this arrangement because it is rarely a possibility and I think we should place less emphasis on practical entanglements being a marker of love and commitment anyway. So, yes, it is highly unlikely that a poly person can happily live with more than one partner but that's okay. It says nothing about love.
 
Really? In my experience, it has been the opposite - most of the poly people I know actually live with their partners. Vs and triads, both. I'm not saying they do so easily, but it certainly doesn't seem outside of the norm.
 
Or like with Dagferi and Inyourendo, each has two separate-yet-equally-divided households.
 
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