Feeling special

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yogiskeleton

New member
My boyfriend has been spending more time lately with his other partner, which I've been very encouraging of as I can tell its helping him to feel settled and I know she is feeling more fulfilled as well. That makes me happy. She and I are also planning a get together so that she and I can get to know each other more and ease anxieties that we both have.

John says that I am his primary, and if you look at my previous posts in Introduction you'll find I've been struggling with jealousy but I'm working through it. He's asked me to identify what will help me feel more secure and how he can provide me with reassurance and comfort. I've been feeling like I need something special with him, something that is just ours. We have projects we are working on together that she's not involved in, but knowing that they went out to breakfast at a spot that we have frequented together has me feeling a bit uncomfortable. I guess because in my mind that's "our place." Is this a familiar feeling or need for anyone else?

My jealousy struggles come from the fact that she and I are quite similar- in personality, hobbies and interests, even body types. The underlying fear is that I'm just temporary, a convenient placeholder who lives a little closer to him than her, and this fear tells me that if she moves or gets a different job closer, then he will start to prefer her over me and won't want to spend as much time with me. So I feel like I need something that can consistently give me that special feeling of security that is longer lasting than working together on a project that inevitably ends once its complete. Does anyone have any suggestions?
 
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This probably isn't what you want to read, but here goes...

There is nothing more he can say or do that is going to give you the reassurance or security you wish. He's already done it. In all likelihood, if you keep asking him for more support, you'll find it's never enough. As you've said, you already have projects exclusive to you and him. And when these end, you'll find a new one. Stop asking for more, and focus on what you have. Him and her are not the issue, the problem is your own belief that you're a placeholder and ONLY YOU can deconstruct that belief. She could be the night to your day and you'd still feel insecure if you haven't done the internal work. There is no symbol of security that will be enough because you know that any of them can be undone. The peace you seek you will only find within yourself.

Kevin's list of links for jealousy may help. They're regularly posted so should be easy to find.

All the best,
 
Thank you Evie. You're right, I wish there was some simple answer, but I do know that there isn't. And I do know that I can be the only one to handle my internal feelings. I've read through most of those links from Kevin, perhaps I should read them again and again.

I've been doing a lot of work on myself through therapy and seeking comfort from family and friends for what I tend to refer as my "general" issues of anxiety and depression. This is my first poly experience and I'm thoroughly enjoying it and I do find so much joy in being able to provide both security and freedom to John and I feel so much love and warmth that he gives that to me even though I'm not currently seeing anyone else at the moment. I know that time and inner work are the most important factors to my comfort levels.

Thank you again for your honest and blunt response.
 
While I agree with Evie that it is your work to do, I'd add that these are natural, normal feelings. You're new to poly so cut yourself some slack! It takes time to adjust, to undo societal and family of origin conditioning. Some people have very few feelings of jealousy and insecurity when transitioning (though I think those people are the exception rather than the norm), other people struggle a bit. Still others find that poly just isn't for them! And there are others that can do poly but find that a particular partner is not a compatible poly partner for them.

I find that being compassionate and gentle with myself, helps when I'm struggling or my anxiety is spiking. Just acknowledge your feelings.... remind yourself that you're new to this, you can adjust and the feelings are temporary and they are normal. Self compassion really helps!

Even those of us who have been in poly relationships for awhile, sometimes struggle with insecurity and jealousy. So, definitely do the internal work, but also be gentle on yourself, this is new territory for you. It will take time to adjust.

ETA: You can ask for something special for just you and your bf. He may or may not agree though. And, even if he agrees, be careful not to use it as a crutch. Two identical experiences with different people will be very different experiences.
 
Try to remember that no one is better at being you than you! People aren't substitutes for one another. When I am missing one of my partners, being with the other doesn't fill that void.

Honestly though, do you really think that having a particular breakfast place is actually going to solve the concerns that are bothering you? I suspect that is just a way for you to try to find security in something that can't really be quantified. Is what you're asking actually going to make you feel more secure and happy in your relationship, or is it just a request for your partner to comply and by doing that show you that you matter? I'd think it's probably the latter.

It's okay to have feelings, especially since this is new to you. I'd encourage you to really sit with them if you can. Think about why you might be feeling that particular way, and what kind of response you're hoping for from your partner. What actions would help, and why are they helpful? The more self exploration you do, the easier this will become in the future.
 
Vicki - Thanks for responding. I have been sitting with my feelings and trying to determine what will help me to feel better and more secure, which is why I wrote my post today. I want to feel special and that I matter, something that says "this is ours and ours alone," something that helps me to feel grounded and safe. To ease my anxieties and make me feel whole.

Pink - Thanks for your input. Self compassion is an overall struggle for me. I'm so mean to myself and empathetic towards others.
 
Do you journal? It helps me to see the progress I make by reading through my journal and seeing where I was and where I currently am.

Also, you could try keeping a journal where you write down all the fun things you do together, and all the ways you see that he loves you. Then, when you're struggling and he's not available, you can read back through the journal to remind yourself how you are loved and desired by him.

Journaling helps me a lot!
 
Hi yogiskeleton,
Here's that list of jealousy links (in case you want to look through it again):

And there's a few books you can read:

  • "The Jealousy Workbook: exercises and insights for managing open relationships," by Kathy Labriola.
  • "Polyamory and Jealousy: a More than Two essentials guide," by Eve Rickert and Franklin Veaux.
  • "Jealousy Survival Guide: how to feel safe, happy, and secure in an open relationship," by Kitty Chambliss.
I was thinking maybe it would help if you and John had a special place to eat, which only the two of you would go to. A special sushi place, or something on that order. Also the two of you could go see a special movie together, just the two of you. It would be the first time seeing that movie for both of you, and you wouldn't go see it with anyone else. These are just a couple of ideas.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
yogiskeleton said:
I have been sitting with my feelings and trying to determine what will help me to feel better and more secure....something that helps me to feel grounded and safe. To ease my anxieties and make me feel whole.
Click to expand...

The reason that the only lasting security has to come from within you is because anything from without you can fall away. Everything within you is yours to keep forever. "Needy" is nothing more than choosing to look for security in another person from a fearful place. "Confident" is choosing to cultivate the security of one's own inner resources. "Needy" (looking to someone else) is inherently unstable. "Confident" (developing one's inner resources) is inherently stable. We all have a vast buffet of inner resources, it's just a matter of choosing to cultivate them. When you have a confident, stable foundation, only then are you free to consistently enjoy the company of others, to feel secure. Nobody on this earth can make another feel secure, despite all of the songs and movies. Our relationships always reflect what we already have going on inside of ourselves.

A poly relationship is a great opportunity to practice this. You only get better with practice. All of this comes up in mono relationships, but poly will shine a big bright spotlight on areas that need practice. Think of this relationship and the insecurity it illuminates as your opportunity to find better ways to approach relationships in general. You indeed can get much better at relationships and at expanding your skills with your inner resources, so much so that your general issues of anxiety ease up considerably.
 
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