TyrantQueen04
New member
Hi there, I was on a few months ago, posting about my husband and I deciding to explore the lifestyle. I am trying to sort through some feelings I have been having and I am hoping that "writing" it all down will help me process and find out what's going on in my head. I fear that I am a rambler, so please bear with me. Let’s start at the beginning:
I've only had two serious romantic relationships in my life (I'm only 28, so I still have lots of time). An ex-girlfriend who sort of introduced me to poly (though neither of us knew that term or what we were doing). When I was 19, my girlfriend and I lived together, and she wanted to experience what it would be like to date men, I was reluctant, but didn't want to lose her, and so I let her wander around and found myself wandering around as well. After some time, she broke up with me with an "I love you D but I don't want you anymore" which was devastating to my young heart (If I only knew then what I know now eh?). After that, I explored my sexuality, though I refused to form committed relationships. When my now-husband and I met, we were working in the same job, and he was dating someone else (there is evidently a very entertaining story about him seeing me win "his" tv in a company competition and him declaring that he would marry me to which his horrified cubby neighbor reminded him he had a girlfriend). J and I started dating in September 2014, discovered we were pregnant by that thanksgiving and were married by April of 2015. Throughout the years, he has brought up the possibility of polyamory several times, since he knows that I am bisexual and wanted to make sure that all of my needs were taken care of. We finally decided to take the plunge around the time COVID was picking up here in the US.
We have discussed the desire for a closed triad (though we know the likelihood of that is very slim) and understand that until we find someone who would want that with us, we should not limit ourselves to dating only bisexual women who are interested in that. We got on OkCupid, and met a wonderful young woman who I will refer to as Maze. Maze was only interested in NSA sex. So our first interaction outside of our marriage was a threesome with Maze, and it was amazing. At the time I was very grateful that our first experience outside of our marriage was together and we were able to "temperature check" one another (now I'm wondering if maybe this bit me in the ass). J had a few encounters with her after that, by himself as Maze was more interested in him than she was me. During these encounters, I never once felt jealousy or envy, J hasn't had much opportunity to explore his sexuality, and never had an NSA FWB deal, so he was excited to explore. And I was happy that he was happy (compersion). Maze moved on after a few dates, and J started talking to other women. Throughout this time, I have also been on OKC and trying to connect with people, however, I either don't get a response, or I have an interesting conversation that maybe lasts a few days, and then the other woman stops responding (full-on "Ghost Mode"). We start looking into other dating sites because OKC is... well anyone who has been on recently will understand... OKC is transitioning from a matchmaking service to a swiping service where you aren't really given someone's profile to read, but a picture, and you can choose to read after that. I can't tell you how many compatibility questions I answered (the last count was 1750 but who’s counting?), but no one else seems to answer them ("the generation of matching and not connecting" was said, and I felt that deep). So, we paid for a subscription on BiCupid, which was marginally better, but not exponentially. And of course, Tinder. I still have had the damndest time connecting with other women, however, J has had many conversations, and has begun dating someone. I will refer to her as Astrid. Astrid is very sweet (from what I’ve heard) and J actually had sex with her on the first date, much to his horror. Horror only because he has never done that before, and he didn’t call me to make sure that I was okay with it. I told him when we first sat down and negotiated how our poly relationship would look that however his relationships evolved organically I was okay with, even if it means sex on the first date (after all, who am I to judge when I was pregnant after dating for two months) and really, honestly and truly, I was okay with the sex. They have now met up several times for dates (after which there is almost always some sort of sexual interaction whether it's just her giving him a BJ or actual intercourse). Each subsequent date ends up the same, he comes home, he empties his pockets and takes off his shoes. I ask “Did you have a good time?” to which he replies “I did, yeah” and gives me a nice little recap of the night, and I break down crying. And here is where I’m stuck.
I honest to god don’t feel like its jealousy (this is a feeling I’m very familiar with as most of my relationship with my ex-girlfriend consisted of this feeling) and I really don’t feel like its envy either because I don’t want what they have (because I already have more of him emotionally than she does, I’ve put in the time and the diapers and the back rubs and feet rubs, I know what he likes in bed and frequently give it to him). J and I have sex almost every night, so it's not that they have sex every time they meet up (I’m already getting way more of that than I need!). So why the tears? This may sound strange, but they aren’t hurt tears, I don’t feel any of the normal hurt feelings (like depression, or anger), but they aren’t happy tears either (though I am happy that he is connecting with her and that they are having fun together). I cannot figure out why I break down every time he goes out with her.
J believes that its because when they go out, I am imagining them experiencing the same fireworks and swoons that we experienced causing our relationship to skyrocket into marriage. He wonders that if I meet her (which she has said that she does want to meet me and we have been trying to find out when a good time to meet is between all of our schedules) and see that there isn’t fireworks and swooning between them that I will feel better, and the tears will go away. But I’m not entirely convinced… I’m not imagining anything between them when they are out, usually, I'm immersed in a tv show that I don’t get to watch throughout the day (between work and having a 5-year-old, there isn’t much time for Supernatural). But maybe I’m just distracting myself until he comes home and then the flood gates are opened?
I know this was a lot, and I apologize, if you made it to the end without giving up on me I tip my hat to you. And thank you in advance for any insight you may have
I've only had two serious romantic relationships in my life (I'm only 28, so I still have lots of time). An ex-girlfriend who sort of introduced me to poly (though neither of us knew that term or what we were doing). When I was 19, my girlfriend and I lived together, and she wanted to experience what it would be like to date men, I was reluctant, but didn't want to lose her, and so I let her wander around and found myself wandering around as well. After some time, she broke up with me with an "I love you D but I don't want you anymore" which was devastating to my young heart (If I only knew then what I know now eh?). After that, I explored my sexuality, though I refused to form committed relationships. When my now-husband and I met, we were working in the same job, and he was dating someone else (there is evidently a very entertaining story about him seeing me win "his" tv in a company competition and him declaring that he would marry me to which his horrified cubby neighbor reminded him he had a girlfriend). J and I started dating in September 2014, discovered we were pregnant by that thanksgiving and were married by April of 2015. Throughout the years, he has brought up the possibility of polyamory several times, since he knows that I am bisexual and wanted to make sure that all of my needs were taken care of. We finally decided to take the plunge around the time COVID was picking up here in the US.
We have discussed the desire for a closed triad (though we know the likelihood of that is very slim) and understand that until we find someone who would want that with us, we should not limit ourselves to dating only bisexual women who are interested in that. We got on OkCupid, and met a wonderful young woman who I will refer to as Maze. Maze was only interested in NSA sex. So our first interaction outside of our marriage was a threesome with Maze, and it was amazing. At the time I was very grateful that our first experience outside of our marriage was together and we were able to "temperature check" one another (now I'm wondering if maybe this bit me in the ass). J had a few encounters with her after that, by himself as Maze was more interested in him than she was me. During these encounters, I never once felt jealousy or envy, J hasn't had much opportunity to explore his sexuality, and never had an NSA FWB deal, so he was excited to explore. And I was happy that he was happy (compersion). Maze moved on after a few dates, and J started talking to other women. Throughout this time, I have also been on OKC and trying to connect with people, however, I either don't get a response, or I have an interesting conversation that maybe lasts a few days, and then the other woman stops responding (full-on "Ghost Mode"). We start looking into other dating sites because OKC is... well anyone who has been on recently will understand... OKC is transitioning from a matchmaking service to a swiping service where you aren't really given someone's profile to read, but a picture, and you can choose to read after that. I can't tell you how many compatibility questions I answered (the last count was 1750 but who’s counting?), but no one else seems to answer them ("the generation of matching and not connecting" was said, and I felt that deep). So, we paid for a subscription on BiCupid, which was marginally better, but not exponentially. And of course, Tinder. I still have had the damndest time connecting with other women, however, J has had many conversations, and has begun dating someone. I will refer to her as Astrid. Astrid is very sweet (from what I’ve heard) and J actually had sex with her on the first date, much to his horror. Horror only because he has never done that before, and he didn’t call me to make sure that I was okay with it. I told him when we first sat down and negotiated how our poly relationship would look that however his relationships evolved organically I was okay with, even if it means sex on the first date (after all, who am I to judge when I was pregnant after dating for two months) and really, honestly and truly, I was okay with the sex. They have now met up several times for dates (after which there is almost always some sort of sexual interaction whether it's just her giving him a BJ or actual intercourse). Each subsequent date ends up the same, he comes home, he empties his pockets and takes off his shoes. I ask “Did you have a good time?” to which he replies “I did, yeah” and gives me a nice little recap of the night, and I break down crying. And here is where I’m stuck.
I honest to god don’t feel like its jealousy (this is a feeling I’m very familiar with as most of my relationship with my ex-girlfriend consisted of this feeling) and I really don’t feel like its envy either because I don’t want what they have (because I already have more of him emotionally than she does, I’ve put in the time and the diapers and the back rubs and feet rubs, I know what he likes in bed and frequently give it to him). J and I have sex almost every night, so it's not that they have sex every time they meet up (I’m already getting way more of that than I need!). So why the tears? This may sound strange, but they aren’t hurt tears, I don’t feel any of the normal hurt feelings (like depression, or anger), but they aren’t happy tears either (though I am happy that he is connecting with her and that they are having fun together). I cannot figure out why I break down every time he goes out with her.
J believes that its because when they go out, I am imagining them experiencing the same fireworks and swoons that we experienced causing our relationship to skyrocket into marriage. He wonders that if I meet her (which she has said that she does want to meet me and we have been trying to find out when a good time to meet is between all of our schedules) and see that there isn’t fireworks and swooning between them that I will feel better, and the tears will go away. But I’m not entirely convinced… I’m not imagining anything between them when they are out, usually, I'm immersed in a tv show that I don’t get to watch throughout the day (between work and having a 5-year-old, there isn’t much time for Supernatural). But maybe I’m just distracting myself until he comes home and then the flood gates are opened?
I know this was a lot, and I apologize, if you made it to the end without giving up on me I tip my hat to you. And thank you in advance for any insight you may have
