Feelings

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Kidge0753

New member
Hi all,

My partner and I have recently become open and this is great we are very happy.

We both have been seeing a few other people which has been good. My issue has nothing to do with any problems in our relationship or in becoming open.

I was seeing another guy who I have fallen for pretty hard. We were friends before and he was also in an open relationship although it ended soon after we got together. Last month he was struggling with seeing more than one person (he was dating another 2 girls) and decided to try a monogamous relationship with one of them.

I am struggling with this. I am happy for him, he has made a choice and appears to be very happy. I am jealous, I dont want to be. I want to be able to hang out as friends but it hurts because when I see him I miss him more.

I am seeing my primary partner who I love and another two guys who are lovely but I haven't become overly attached to. The guy who broke it off was a perfect balance against my primary partner and I REALLY miss him.

I don't have anyone I can talk to about this as my friends whilst accepting of non monogamy are still confussed by it and they don't see why I would want or need more then my partner. I don't feel it fair to make too much of a big deal about it to my primary partner although we have discussed it and he knows it has upset me.

Just looking for some advice on moving on and being able to deal with my first break up in a poly situation.
 
its a breakup

It just sucks!!! Let it out sweetheart.
Have some comfort food, talk to friends when possible.
Do one of your fun safe hobbys if possible xo
 
Hi Kidge0753,

I'm very sorry that you are going through this. Breakups are hard, even when you want to break up and I can see that you didn't. Sometimes when you're hurting, you just have to let time do its healing. Be patient with the healing process, it doesn't go fast. Take care of yourself, and do things you like to do. Sometimes when you can get your mind on other things it helps.

With much sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
I imagine you are trying to be "mature" and just go back immediately to being friends but you have to give yourself a break. You are asking too much of yourself while caught up in NRE. If at all possible go a couple months or more without being around your friend so you can through withdrawal and let your system settle down. All kinds of feelings are triggered when going through unrequited love and stirring them up regularly does not help. Examining them may be helpful for the future but not if you beat yourself up for having the feelings in the first place.

Coddle yourself. It is OK.

Leetah
 
I don't think break ups are really all that different when poly or mono. They hurt. Particularly if you didn't want them. For what it is worth, I think staying friends with him is not such a bright idea. The less you meet him, the more opportunity you give your life to embrace you with what you have instead of what is missing. You will move on faster, you will have ended things with him on a good note that leaves possibilities for the future - whether a relationship or a genuine friendship once the mental view of him as a partner has resolved.

Right now what you feel isn't "friends" - you are missing a lover and calling it "just friends" will only frustrate you and possibly make him feel cornered with inevitable overtones - even if you don't mean to, simply because that is what your relationship is - it isn't friendship yet.
 
I'm sorry about the break up.

I encourage you to do your self care.

You could ask for what you need from your friends -- comforting words for instance. They sound like they accept you as you are even if they don't get non monogamy.

They don't have to understand or be experienced in non monogamy to say comforting words to you when they see you are sad from a break up. How would it be different from comforting you from any other kind of break up?

I don't have anyone I can talk to about this as my friends whilst accepting of non monogamy are still confussed by it and they don't see why I would want or need more then my partner.
Click to expand...

Don't sell your friends short. Ask for what you need. If either you or friends need help articulating? Maybe this list gives you ideas.

http://goodlifezen.com/21-ways-to-comfort-a-friend-in-crisis/

I hope you feel better in time. Again, I'm sorry to hear about the break up.

Galagirl
 
The guy who broke it off was a perfect balance against my primary partner and I REALLY miss him.


A perfect balance against my partner?? What do you mean by that? Are you not happy with your partner? It sounds that you are seeking love and not fun kn your life with other men. Do you consider yourself open or poly?
 
Breaks up hurt. Sometimes a hell of a lot. Sometimes one person hurts more than the other.
I agree you have to allow yourself to grieve for the lost relationship. It does take time and it is never easy. Just because he broke it off with you does not necessarily mean he no longer has feelings for you, if that offers any comfort to you?
You say he struggled being open / poly, his breaking up with you seems to be as a result of that, as you have your "main" partner.

There is nothing wrong with a little support from your current partner, and it sounds as if he is giving supoort but that you are feeling a little guilty at expressing your sadness for a break up in another relationship. Allow yourself time, allow your partner to offer the support, nothing is going to help you feel over the break up quickly.

I do feel you can, in time, be good friends still. There is no reason you can't if you can both accept what has happened and want to remain good friends; some people will prefer a total clean break so as not to have the reminder of the past there

You will get through, I'm sorry you're going through this
 
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