Would appreciate some help on this.
Prelude:
Christmas, time to spend some time with family, right? So I talked with my parents about the possibility to move home, and they were like sure, and since I'm having a big exam in February, they offered to make the space ready (getting Grandma's stuff out etc.) so that I can just move in.
Well, that lasted until Idealist came to visit. I did want the to meet, so I took him upstairs asked my parents if we could join for dinner, and they agreed (yet just aking on spot and not in advance was my first unforgivable transgression). Followed a bit of a tense evening where nobody said anything of substance, the hell broke loose in the morning.
Apparently, in my parents' eyes, I'm not only ruining my life, I'm also totally selfish, irresponsible, immature and immoral, and so is he (just worse since he's harming two women, but I'm harming her too), and they don't want to meet him again, and if I live at their house he's not supposed to be visiting. Not to mention how I lack work ethic and basically just have the wrong lifestyle in every conceivable way.
This has been like an hour of my mom shouting accusations at me and me mostly suffering through it unable to say a word in my defence. (I'm not very fast at responding and these are hard and in some ways legitimate issues which can't be addressed by her black and white thinking.) Not cool. Needless to say I won't be living at their house anytime soon, even if I may have to flat-share.
If their goal was Idealist not visiting their house (and me not living there), they could have just said so directly. I'm incredibly hurt by the judgement, and that kind of communication style is absolutely unacceptable. Yet I'm not sure I communicated either of that. I packed my stuff and left, which was mostly planned anyway.
I'm not sure how to proceed, however. Should I just not contact them and keep myself out of the line of fire until my life is sorted in such a way which I can present to them as a 'viable future plan'? Should I, like, write them an email stating how calling me and my partner names is unacceptable? Should I act as if all is good and just not talk about Idealist at all (which is what has been mostly happening in the past years)? Wtf do you do if your parents have a problem with your basic personality?
My temptation is to, like, demonstratively disinvite them from our theatre performance, since after all, they don't want to see my partner (though my feeling is it wasn't that literal). Only communicate with them from now on when I have a very good reason to, no more courtesy visits, no more trying to keep contact and find my way to them. But I know it's anger-fueled and cruel, I may regret losing whatever rest of a relationship there is as much as they will.
Prelude:
- I date Idealist for five years now. He lives with Meta and spends a night or two a week at my place. Idealist and Meta are going to have a child. At her age, this was very uncertain even with medical assistance, yet Meta's huge dream. Idealist has agreed to the child with reservation, their agreement is (wise or unwise) that while he's willing to help provide financially and with a limited amount of his time, most of the childcare is on her.
- I did have an emotional breakdown over the morality aspect of dating the father of a child, yet didn't break up in the end. For reasons beyond my capacity to understand and express myself, I'm still happy with this man, and also, I don't really see how me leaving is gonna help Idealist's and Meta's relationship or his willingness to do more childcare.
- Since I moved away from my parents' house one and a half years ago we've been in infrequent regular contact. We don't have a history of fighting, but I also don't enjoy time with my parents very much.
- I have to move mid March. Since my grandma is in a retirement house now, there's an empty floor in my parents' house. It's an entire floor but in need of reconstruction, and the staircase up there goes through my parents' hallway.
- I know my parents have a problem with me dating Idealist, however, in the past they have been like 'We will tryyy...'. They met before.
Christmas, time to spend some time with family, right? So I talked with my parents about the possibility to move home, and they were like sure, and since I'm having a big exam in February, they offered to make the space ready (getting Grandma's stuff out etc.) so that I can just move in.
Well, that lasted until Idealist came to visit. I did want the to meet, so I took him upstairs asked my parents if we could join for dinner, and they agreed (yet just aking on spot and not in advance was my first unforgivable transgression). Followed a bit of a tense evening where nobody said anything of substance, the hell broke loose in the morning.
Apparently, in my parents' eyes, I'm not only ruining my life, I'm also totally selfish, irresponsible, immature and immoral, and so is he (just worse since he's harming two women, but I'm harming her too), and they don't want to meet him again, and if I live at their house he's not supposed to be visiting. Not to mention how I lack work ethic and basically just have the wrong lifestyle in every conceivable way.
This has been like an hour of my mom shouting accusations at me and me mostly suffering through it unable to say a word in my defence. (I'm not very fast at responding and these are hard and in some ways legitimate issues which can't be addressed by her black and white thinking.) Not cool. Needless to say I won't be living at their house anytime soon, even if I may have to flat-share.
If their goal was Idealist not visiting their house (and me not living there), they could have just said so directly. I'm incredibly hurt by the judgement, and that kind of communication style is absolutely unacceptable. Yet I'm not sure I communicated either of that. I packed my stuff and left, which was mostly planned anyway.
I'm not sure how to proceed, however. Should I just not contact them and keep myself out of the line of fire until my life is sorted in such a way which I can present to them as a 'viable future plan'? Should I, like, write them an email stating how calling me and my partner names is unacceptable? Should I act as if all is good and just not talk about Idealist at all (which is what has been mostly happening in the past years)? Wtf do you do if your parents have a problem with your basic personality?
My temptation is to, like, demonstratively disinvite them from our theatre performance, since after all, they don't want to see my partner (though my feeling is it wasn't that literal). Only communicate with them from now on when I have a very good reason to, no more courtesy visits, no more trying to keep contact and find my way to them. But I know it's anger-fueled and cruel, I may regret losing whatever rest of a relationship there is as much as they will.
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