Finding Partners

[ICanBeStunning]

Apologies if this thread exists, but the search option isn't available for me.

How do you go about finding compatible partners?

Lately I've been mostly finding people who only seem to want me for sex. (I do talk to people who are in interested in me as a person, but they're often far, and out of my age range.)

Finding people who lead active lives has also been difficult. I've had other poly people recommend only dating the non-monogamous, or explicitly polyamorous, and looking for them at poly events, and while I attend those, I rarely run into people I find attractive (attraction to me isn't just physical.)

Online dating hasn't really been fruitful. I find myself going out with people who have no interests outside of work, and it's rather frustrating when they expect to live through my experiences.

Am I being too picky? What can I do to improve the types of polyamorous people I date?

 

[KC43]

Yes, this is a very common question. If you use the search function and look for something like "finding partners" or "compatible," you'll probably find quite a bit of information.

Meanwhile, what site(s) are you using for online dating? Does your profile make it clear that you are looking for something beyond just sex? Does it specify your age range? Do you list what *your* interests are besides finding a compatible partner?

Do you belong to any clubs or groups? Do any type of gaming, or have any interests in artsy areas (theater, music, art, etc.)? I'm pretty sure we have at least a few folks here who met partners at gaming things, or "geek" type conventions, or that kind of thing.

Screw the advice to date only the non-monogamous. Date who you want to date, just make it clear that *you* are non-monogamous. My husband is monogamous; so were my first two boyfriends. What's important isn't whether *they* are polyamorous or non-monogamous in some other form; what's important is that they're okay with the fact that *you* are, and are open-minded about it.

 

[ICanBeStunning]

I can't use the search option for some reason. It's not working for me.

I do include my interests, but mostly people see my pictures, and focus on my looks. The ones who do focus on common interests don't actually seem to be doing anything. I'm into a lot including volunteering, working out, traveling, dancing. Most of the people who focus on any mutual interest focus on my intellectual pursuits, and don't seem to do much outside the home. Those who are physically active, don't even bother with anything beyond the physical. Both these types seem to end up focusing solely on sex, and I quickly get bored and end things. I recommend activities, but the people I'm seeing just don't want that.

I'm on OKC. My profile mentions that I'm poly, and seeking friends. Age range is also on my profile. I'm not really into gaming. I play some games, but often I'd rather be outside when I spend time with people. Honestly I'm looking for some balance between doing things, and hanging out at home, and reading. I end up with a bunch of people who seem to be bidding their time until they can see me naked.

 

[ICanBeStunning]

One more thing I've been experiencing is that I click with people who may be a bit further off (within 2 hours away), but don't actually want to get together. I'm not into LDR's, but if I like someone, I'd want to meet. These folks want to talk for months on end, and I just don't want to maintain any online-only relationships. Just makes me think you're hiding something, especially if you're that close, and I offer to come out/meet in the middle.

 

[KC43]

To some people, 2 hours isn't "close." I was talking with one guy on OKC who lives about an hour from me. For me, that was nothing; my last boyfriend lived 45 minutes away, which sometimes stretched to 2 hours if I was driving to his place at rush hour, and for most of my life, I lived in Maine, where in some of the locations where I lived, it took an hour just to get to the nearest grocery store. But for the guy I was talking to, an hour was too far, and he wasn't interested in anything beyond chatting on the site.

You volunteer, you work out, you dance... those aren't activities through which you might meet people?

 

[ICanBeStunning]

Oh yes, I meet plenty of monogamous, heterosexual, people who "couldn't do anything like that."

I meet interesting people, but they're just not compatible with me. Or I meet people who focus way too much on the superficial for me.

I'm just wondering what I'm doing wrong. Netflix and chill is the staple of my age group. Something about me reads, sex and only sex to others I guess.

 

[reflections]

Maybe you can get involved more with the LGBTQ community? Volunteering or advocacy work, meetups, etc.? That community tends to have more variety/openness when it comes to the shape relationships take.

Do you live in a conservative area, and thus, you have a smaller pool of poly-friendly potential partners?

 

[tenK]

I'm trying to figure out if saying you are attracting people who are not active is code for saying you are attracting people who are overweight or whom you find to be physically unattractive or not. And whether it's the case that you are meeting people of two types online: attractive but only into sex, and unattractive and not into your favourite activities. If so, welcome to online dating!

I wonder if you are in fact giving out mixed messages on your profile, and/or mis-categorising your responses. On the one hand, you are open to friendships. I'm guess for these people, mutual interests, hobbies, general things in common are very important, but looks and proximity not so much. On the other, you are looking for a relationship. For this group, physical attractiveness is important, as is general lifestyle and proximity. Instead of having your profile do double duty, in your shoes, I would take out the stuff about looking for friends. I think it often seems like a nice thing to say and makes you seem approachable, but in my experience it often just leads to a lot of speculative approaches from people who you might not fancy. Unless you specifically want an online friendship (and it doesn't sound like you do, since you're not up for long distant message exchange that goes nowhere) then leave finding friends to your offline activities. It sounds like you are already well-stocked in that department, with people who share your interested in volunteering and what-not, albeit not interested in poly dating with you.

Second, consider the photos you have on your profile carefully. I've opted for full face and body shots showing me doing things I like doing. None of them are 'sexy', they are just straightforward reflections of me in public. Even though I have written descriptions of things I'm into, I think seeing the visuals really helps people get a better idea. My girlfriend has just one image of herself. It's not a full face shot, and whilst it's also not traditionally sexy in that it's showing cleavage or stuff like that, it's a black and white somewhat mysterious shot. She has to be somewhat anonymous for work reasons, but I think it gives an impression to others that she would me more up for 'discreet liaisons'. As a consequence she gets way more approaches from people who are looking for sex only/casual hookups, and she's had quite a few dates with people where afterwards she's like 'meh, wasn't feeling it'. I get fewer approaches overall, but I'd say I actually get more approaches from people who I have something in common with, and even if my dates haven't lead to a relationship, I actually have made a few genuine friendships out of it, with people who are open to poly (and who occasionally have cute poly friends that I might be more attracted to in person ). All without specifying that I'm actually looking for friendship.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

I'm just wondering what I'm doing wrong. Netflix and chill is the staple of my age group. Something about me reads, sex and only sex to others I guess.

I don't think you're doing anything "wrong". I do think both "poly" and "looking for friends" get read by a lot of people as code for seeking casual sex

As tenk said, you can take out anything about new friends, make it clearer that you are there to meet potential longer term partners. But there's not much you can do about the fact that some people will see you're poly and assume you are DTF anybody... Except realize it's not your fault and feel free to cut them off if you get that vibe.

Fwiw, when I was on okc, less than 1 out of every 100 messages turned into a first date. Less than half of those led to a second date. Less than half of those lead to a third date... And so on...Online dating really is an exhausting numbers game sometimes

 

[drgnfly]

I'll be honest, I have no idea where to find that magic hiding place of compatible poly people that always seem to be hiding just out of sight. The best place for meeting people in person who seem to be interested in the same activities i am, whether poly or not, seems to be doing those activities. Compatibility is just something you have to discuss upfront. From what you said it does not seem like your interested into sexing someone quickly, so you have the ability to take your time, because there's nothing wrong with that.
Unfortunately I do not have an okc profile, and i don't really know how you present yourself, what your looking for, or your age group. I can not tell if it's something you have in your profile or your picture's that attract the people you do. This may not apply to you, but people do type cast other people by their look's, and it's easy to misjudge someone by just reading a short description of themselves. Remember this is sometihing that is essentially designed to attract another person. I can tell from the way you describe yourself, and the attention you get, you must be confident and attractive, just getting that type of response. I would be flattered with that response myself.
In the end If your not attracting the people you want it's time to change up thing's in your profile. You may need to add or remove things, it may decrease who see's it, but hopefully you will gain better quality responses.
As for long distance relationship's, yes you want to put a face to the person your talking to, but if you really click, there not a bad thing to have. I may be biased on the subject though. I will agree with what you said about people willing to meet. If there close and will not meet, then their either not really interested or shady.

 

[FallenAngelina]

....some people will see you're poly and assume you are DTF anybody...

My impression is that most poly women get this reaction online and in real life. It's certainly part of the weeding process for a lot of poly women. I'm more than twice your age, Stunning, and I meet a lot of men who can't even begin to separate "multiple partners" from "casual sex" - nevermind what they look like or how boring they might be to me. The numbers GFT gave sound about right to me. Meeting a compatible person is special and rare for everyone.

All that said, what helped me was making sure that my profile essay was well written and more apt to attract thoughtful responses. I got my share of "Hey Baby"s but also got quite a few comments on how interesting I was. We attract what vibe we put out and what vibe we put out is always within our control. Does your essay reflect the interesting and thoughful person that you are?

TenK also has a good point in that if you want to curb the "DTF" messages, don't put up flirty photos. I have to say, when I was on OKC, the younger crowd tended to put these up as a matter of course and I figured that it was just because casual sex was the desired norm. Again, we attract what we put out there and even Stunning young, active women have control over what they're displaying.

Have you shown your profile to others for feedback? Sometimes people share their profiles here and the critiques can be very helpful in making sure that you're saying what you think you're saying. Make sure your profile is advertising what you mean to advertise.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi ICanBeStunning,

I don't necessarily think you're doing anything wrong, I just think it takes a long time to find a compatible partner, and so what you need is a lot of patience. Which doesn't mean you can't tweak your OKC profile and stuff like that to improve your odds.

I think I've been very lucky to find the few partners I have. And that was before I heard of polyamory. Which you have to be honest about, so what can you do?

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[ICanBeStunning]

Thank you so much everyone! I realize my thoughts may not be too well organized, but you've given me a lot to consider.

I'm trying to figure out if saying you are attracting people who are not active is code for saying you are attracting people who are overweight or whom you find to be physically unattractive or not.

Oh no, not at all! I mean they lead sedentary lives in their homes. They don't do anything that's "unnecessary." Work/school, home, and maybe grocery shopping. One, or two people, I could see, but this is becoming a regular thing. A few extra pounds don't bother me at all (Although I do like people who are interested in health and fitness, since it's a big thing for me, and my profile alludes to that.)

It's actually conventionally attractive, and looking for casual sex, or almost mentally attractive and ¿waiting around for casual sex? We talk, and they seem great, then we meet, and they have nothing going on in their lives. Which is kind of odd in a 20-something IMO.

I wonder if you are in fact giving out mixed messages on your profile, and/or mis-categorising your responses. On the one hand, you are open to friendships. I'm guess for these people, mutual interests, hobbies, general things in common are very important, but looks and proximity not so much. On the other, you are looking for a relationship. For this group, physical attractiveness is important, as is general lifestyle and proximity.

That gives me a lot to think about. Maybe you're right. I tend to believe that the best relationships are based on a friendship, but I may be giving the wrong signal there. I'll take it out as suggested, and see what happens.

Second, consider the photos you have on your profile carefully. I've opted for full face and body shots showing me doing things I like doing. None of them are 'sexy', they are just straightforward reflections of me in public. Even though I have written descriptions of things I'm into, I think seeing the visuals really helps people get a better idea. My girlfriend has just one image of herself. It's not a full face shot, and whilst it's also not traditionally sexy in that it's showing cleavage or stuff like that, it's a black and white somewhat mysterious shot... As a consequence she gets way more approaches from people who are looking for sex only/casual hookups, and she's had quite a few dates with people where afterwards she's like 'meh, wasn't feeling it'.

I fear that this may be my problem. I didn't even consider that anyone could see it as in invitation to casual hookups. I expect those types of messages no matter what, so I didn't really catch it I guess. The people I meet tend to be pretty interesting via text, or over the phone, but in person they change fairly fast.

Putting my face on OKC makes me nervous. I live in a relatively small town, and regularly run into other OKC users when I run errands. This wouldn't be a problem, if they didn't behave in oafish ways when they recognized me in public. (I had my face picture up on a previous profile). I may either have to suck it up and put up my face, or forget about this method completely.

 

[ICanBeStunning]

I'll be honest, I have no idea where to find that magic hiding place of compatible poly people that always seem to be hiding just out of sight. The best place for meeting people in person who seem to be interested in the same activities i am, whether poly or not, seems to be doing those activities. Compatibility is just something you have to discuss upfront. From what you said it does not seem like your interested into sexing someone quickly, so you have the ability to take your time, because there's nothing wrong with that.

Maybe that's another sort of unicorn . I definately do the things I'm interested in. When I meet someone that way, they're usually, and disappointingly uninterested in poly. Or they're cheating (or want to), and figure it's a way to be open with their next "side chick."

You're right, I'm not that interested in racing to the bedroom. A lot of the poly people I've spoken to found that a turn off, or just strange that I'm not seeking the greatest number of sexual partners. This threw me for a loop. Does anyone else have that experience? I've been explicitly told that sex precedes dating by a few polyamorous individuals.

This may not apply to you, but people do type cast other people by their look's, and it's easy to misjudge someone by just reading a short description of themselves.

After reading some of the other responses, I see that it may be a combination of that + maybe not having a face pic. People say inappropriate things to me all the time. Being curvy, I can be perceived a certain way, no matter what I wear/do.

Remember this is sometihing that is essentially designed to attract another person. I can tell from the way you describe yourself, and the attention you get, you must be confident and attractive, just getting that type of response. I would be flattered with that response myself.

Hmm sure, maybe you would be. It's actually a little scary for me. I never really know what people will imagine they can do/say to me, and I can attract all kinds of disturbed individuals.

In the end If your not attracting the people you want it's time to change up thing's in your profile. You may need to add or remove things, it may decrease who see's it, but hopefully you will gain better quality responses.

You are probably right! OKC let me filter by orientation. I may stick to non-hetero people for a bit. I'm also redrafting my profile. (I'm aiming for more funny, over the list-like essay since it has worked for me before.)

As for long distance relationship's, yes you want to put a face to the person your talking to, but if you really click, there not a bad thing to have. I may be biased on the subject though. I will agree with what you said about people willing to meet. If there close and will not meet, then their either not really interested or shady.

That's exactly how I feel. I can understand that distance, and travel may be a turn off to some. Heck, I have weird quirks about it myself. If we're close enough, and it's workable, and you say you want to meet, I don't get why we should drag our feet for months about setting it up. I prefer tangible, proximate relationships, and it would take a really special person for me to do long distance.

 

[drgnfly]

Maybe that's another sort of unicorn . I definately do the things I'm interested in. When I meet someone that way, they're usually, and disappointingly uninterested in poly. Or they're cheating (or want to), and figure it's a way to be open with their next "side chick."

Yea it's unfortunate you are not meeting interested people in your normal activities. It's true many people do tend to think when you say your poly that you are just DTF, or are using it as a umbrella term for looking for an unattached relationship, or even are simply a swinger. I don't know how soon you talk about poly with people, perhaps it's too early on for many.
Simply don't be the side chick if you aren't into it.

You're right, I'm not that interested in racing to the bedroom. A lot of the poly people I've spoken to found that a turn off, or just strange that I'm not seeking the greatest number of sexual partners. This threw me for a loop. Does anyone else have that experience? I've been explicitly told that sex precedes dating by a few polyamorous individuals.

I don't think it's strange, it's about what you want to do in the end, not what someone else thinks you should want. I guess by nature many poly people are promiscuous by design, but not always. I didn't think there was a number game though in poly. I also haven't ever heard that sex preceding dating is a norm, although it may work for some. In a similar reference: Some people think sex before marriage is the norm, where others would never consider it.
I do not know what you are specifically looking for. I could form more of an opinion if I did. From this thread I would think it would be a friend - which may then lead to more. Some people do need this attachment before they have sexual feeling's. If someone finds you not jumping into bed a turn off, move on.

After reading some of the other responses, I see that it may be a combination of that + maybe not having a face pic. People say inappropriate things to me all the time. Being curvy, I can be perceived a certain way, no matter what I wear/do.

Yes I can imagine this being annoying, I normally don't get harassed, but I do on occasion. Being any type of curvy will make you more of a target for attention.

Hmm sure, maybe you would be. It's actually a little scary for me. I never really know what people will imagine they can do/say to me, and I can attract all kinds of disturbed individuals.

I would, I'm not someone who will usually seek out attention. For me it would feel good. I do get handsome a lot, and it's gets even stranger even uncomfortable sometimes, if it comes from a dude. I just take it as a compliment and move on. You cant obsess on what people imagine, or think, or may want to do. If someone does or say's something you think is out of line - tell them.
By the way, your not the only one who attracts disturbed individuals.

That's exactly how I feel. I can understand that distance, and travel may be a turn off to some. Heck, I have weird quirks about it myself. If we're close enough, and it's workable, and you say you want to meet, I don't get why we should drag our feet for months about setting it up. I prefer tangible, proximate relationships, and it would take a really special person for me to do long distance.

Yes If you feel it's time to meet someone, you should pursue it. It shouldn't take month's for someone to set it up after they agree, it wouldn't even have to be much, fancy, or formal. Maybe people over thinking thing's or are expecting too much. Or maybe they are just full of it.

It's actually conventionally attractive, and looking for casual sex, or almost mentally attractive and ¿waiting around for casual sex? We talk, and they seem great, then we meet, and they have nothing going on in their lives. Which is kind of odd in a 20-something IMO.

Putting my face on OKC makes me nervous. I live in a relatively small town, and regularly run into other OKC users when I run errands. This wouldn't be a problem, if they didn't behave in oafish ways when they recognized me in public. (I had my face picture up on a previous profile).

Just wondering, how one wait's around for casual sex? I must try this, or maybe I already do it. lol.
Also, please clarify, what are you looking for in people having something going on in their lives?
Many times when one settles into their life, the ability to do the thing's they enjoy is pushed to the side by the reality of doing what is needed. Could this be the case here?
That suck's about the way people in your town act if they recognize you from your profile, it seems childish, and besides if they do recognize you from there it mean's they were on that sight as well, sooo...

 

[FallenAngelina]

I may either have to suck it up and put up my face, or forget about this method completely.

Any way you slice it, headless photos on a dating site say "I'm DTF, open to negotiation." Headless photos do not say, "I'm looking for nice friendships that have the potential to become more over the long term." A headless photo (of a man or a women) says, "All you need to know is that my body is a sex machine."

 

[ICanBeStunning]

Just wondering, how one wait's around for casual sex? I must try this, or maybe I already do it. lol.

Well I'm just pretty confused about their motivations. My perception is that they're trying to figure out the right things to say/do to get sex from me. This approach doesn't appeal to me, so I tend to end it as soon as I recognize it. Casual sex to me includes one night stands, bootycalls, fuck buddies, fwbs, etc. Some people do play along like they want everything you do, only to later reveal that the relationship was always casual to them.

One example is after 8 months of friendship, and later dating, one person took to calling me exclusively when they were turned on. If they weren't horny, I wasn't going to get a response from them at all. This started after our first makeout session. What's the point of seeing each other for months, if that's all you wanted? They're pretty much just waiting around until I'm comfortable enough to get physical, and then only pushing for that.

Also, please clarify, what are you looking for in people having something going on in their lives?
Many times when one settles into their life, the ability to do the thing's they enjoy is pushed to the side by the reality of doing what is needed. Could this be the case here?

Outside of work, or school, they don't do anything. They spend most of their down time at home, complaining of boredom. Any suggestion to do anything else is rejected, and they don't make any of their own.

Having something going on could really be anything that interests them, or even spending time with friends. They sound miserable, but they never pursue their interests. This doesn't seem to be from lack of funds, energy, or time, just a general lack of motivation.

It's pretty common for me to read "have something going on with your life" on OKC (in my area), but I didn't even understand why anyone would say that on their profile until I experienced this.

I would, I'm not someone who will usually seek out attention. For me it would feel good. I do get handsome a lot, and it's gets even stranger even uncomfortable sometimes, if it comes from a dude. I just take it as a compliment and move on. You cant obsess on what people imagine, or think, or may want to do. If someone does or say's something you think is out of line - tell them.
By the way, your not the only one who attracts disturbed individuals.

Is this supposed to be snarky?

 

[FallenAngelina]

"By the way, your not the only one who attracts disturbed individuals."

Is this supposed to be snarky?

I don't think she meant it that way at all. Every young women fields unwanted and weird advances, both online and offline - it's always been this way. Unwanted and weird advances dwindle as a woman gains maturity and years, not because she becomes less attractive, but because she becomes more experienced, confident and gives off a more knowing vibe that "unwanted and weird" is much less attracted to, although that kind of attention certainly does continue from time to time throughout most women's lives. Lest anyone is tempted to blame this on "Western Culture," go live in any country that is not considered Western. Most have shockingly few legal and social protections for women, who are considered fair game in the streets, especially when they are alone. "Western Culture" countries are Shangri-La for women compared to what passes for daily life elsewhere.

 

[drgnfly]

One example is after 8 months of friendship, and later dating, one person took to calling me exclusively when they were turned on. If they weren't horny, I wasn't going to get a response from them at all. This started after our first makeout session. What's the point of seeing each other for months, if that's all you wanted? They're pretty much just waiting around until I'm comfortable enough to get physical, and then only pushing for that.

Wow, yea 8 month's friendship plus dating time into it is a lot of investment for someone to just booty call you. Sometimes you can not tell what people are thinking, people go in weird directions.
On the other side, For some, waiting over eight month's could be a long time to get into a relationship, and because of that you fell outside of his interests. Many people wont wait for something, even if it's worth while.

I would, I'm not someone who will usually seek out attention. For me it would feel good. I do get handsome a lot, and it's gets even stranger even uncomfortable sometimes, if it comes from a dude. I just take it as a compliment and move on. You cant obsess on what people imagine, or think, or may want to do. If someone does or say's something you think is out of line - tell them.
By the way, your not the only one who attracts disturbed individuals.

Is this supposed to be snarky?

Not at all, I'm a dude and normally don't get that type of attention on a normal basis. Getting hit on by another dude does make me uncomfortable, especially if they persist, since I'm not into that.
And I have my run of unstable people in my life, it's more common than you think.

 

[blackraven]

Haha. I'm a lesbian who occasionally dabbles on a swinger site, and I get all manner of disturbed and creepy. Sometimes single men (who clearly have absolutely no chance). I thought that was a lovely commiserating comment, not snarky.

And as for those who are long distance, it doesn't have to be cheating or not interested. In my situation after a few of those fizzled without ever managing to meet, I realized that I was polysaturated. Or maybe life saturated. Work, life, kids, triathlete. It didn't matter how awesome I thought someone was. I couldn't find hours to spend in transit. I finally wizened up and stopped trying. Sadly, if someone doesn't fit naturally into my life as it is, I know I probably don't have anything to offer them.