First attempt, total shock, need help.

[yul]

Hello, I really need help.

Here is my first attempt at poly. I so need to talk about this. I am not feeling well and even my work has been suffering.

Background:

I am Yul, M, 35 yo, in a 5-year relationship with my SO, Miranda, F, 40 yo, with a 16 yo child. We both come from an alternative background (fetish, kink) and have a fulfilling sex life. We have occasional threesomes and are both rather open-minded about sex.

Event: Miranda and I often go to fetish parties, and meet quite a lot of people. Nothing serious, just dancing and partying and a little bit of play.

I have been flirting with this certain girl (call her Merida), on a few occasions. She is married, but goes out alone, clearly living a life of "sin." I felt this was interesting, because I thought that it would be possible for me to pursue her without taking excessive risks towards my SO. I REALLY REALLY like her, nevertheless. Like, you have no idea.

We started emailing, and I tried to arrange for a lunch meeting to discuss what I was looking for (only friendship with possible privileges).
Things went too far (email flirting) and I had to come clean to my Miranda. She was in total shock, yet grateful I came clean early.

We have now been struggling with the idea of having Merida as a "friend," at least for the past few months. I began to insist on calling "Miss 2nd" so I could see her, but Miranda threatened me not to talk to her. She said she was too depressed and that she couldn't handle it. I obeyed, but decided to breach my "no email" agreement after a few weeks, since I had no intention to cheat and really like Merida, even without sex.

Miranda actually left me twice over this in the past few months. The first time she actually set me up with Merida so I could cheat on her. Nothing happened. We spent our very first day together. Merida did ask for sex that day. I said no, but she was okay. It has been the same story ever since-- Miranda giving me the hardest possible time, and me trying to talk to Merida, with the threat of losing Miranda.

This is scary...

Merida is probably tired of this (and so Miranda, clearly).

Merida is also not completely "clean," in that she did try to make me leave Miranda, maybe just out of boredom and pity for us. This was clearly a mistake, but it does not belong to Miranda to judge. I believe it is my job to "tame the tiger."

I know Miranda could adapt to how I want to live, but she is either not ready now, or really doesn't like Merida. I do not intend to impose them on each other, anyway.

I really like Miranda to death, as well, but I am seeing a side of her I don't like. I also do not want Merida to give up on me, which is what I believe Miranda is trying to achieve.

She asked if she could do the same to me, and I said yes, as long as she didn't have sex, but that wasn't enough for her.

Help!

 

[Ariakas]

Merida is not completely "clean." She did try to make me leave my Miranda, maybe just out of boredom and pity for us. This was clearly a mistake, but it does not belong to Miranda to judge. I believe it was my job to "tame the tiger."

It might be your job to "tame the tiger," but you are playing with fire. A poacher (aka cowgirl, the more common term) is exactly what you describe.

It's well within Miranda's right to judge, I believe. Merida is trying to swoop in and steal you. And she is married. There are multiple layers of deceit, and in the end, a lot of mistrust. It's going to be tough pill for Miranda to swallow. It's going to be hard for her to trust the situation.

I know Miranda could adapt to how I want to live, but she is either not ready now, or really doesn't like Merida. I do not intend to impose them on each other.

How do you plan to stop them from being imposed upon? I think I understand your meaning, but even in a very split V, they will interact in some ways. You should read through the multiple threads on this forum about Vs, where the legs do not get along. Its a tough road you are proposing.

I really like Miranda to death as well, but I am seeing a side of her I don't like. I also do not want Merida to give up on me, which is what I believe my SO is trying to achieve.

"Like to death?"

It sounds like Miranda sees someone who is not trying to join the family, but trying to ruin it. You have some work to do to convince her that this isn't going to happen, and that you are with her and trying to expand the family.

She asked if she could do the same to me and I said yes, as long as she didn't have sex, but that wasn't enough for her.

Umm... Well... Sorry. You can have someone to be romantic with, and I assume eventually have sex with (please correct me if I misread that) and you don't mind if Miranda goes off and finds a new man, as long as there is no sex? That's not really you saying she can do the same thing as you. That's you saying she can do some of the things you want to do, but not all of them. Unless you are trying to put together a sexless romantic relationship.

Anyway, I think Miranda has a right to be concerned. Cold hard stop to anything? Maybe not. But there are levels of deceit that need to be addressed to make her comfortable again.

 

[SNeacail]

Merida is also not completely "clean." She did try to make me leave Miranda, maybe just out of boredom and pity for us. This was clearly a mistake, but it does not belong to Miranda to judge. I believe it is my job to "tame the tiger."

Really? Merida is trying to break up your relationship with Miranda, and you believe it's not Miranda's place to judge? You don't seem to have much respect for her.

She asked if she could do the same as me, and I said yes, as long as she didn't have sex, but that wasn't enough for her.

Can you say double standard?

 

[redpepper]

Merida is a cowgirl?
You "like" Miranda?

This is a real mess, it seems, so much so that I don't really know where to start. Maybe you should do some reading on here and see if you can come up with a clear question or idea of what you need help with... other than a lot more communication and clearer boundaries, that is.

 

[Jodi]

Hi, I know that you are infatuated with Merida, but how about working with Miranda for say, three months of honest-to-goodness communication and loyalty towards helping her feel emotionally better, less depressed and less threatened?

Maybe she could benefit from an anti-depressant, at a doctor's suggestion, and even counseling. I would be concerned about her health. If you explain this to Merida, if she is a kind person, she will back off for a while. If you contact her in a given amount of time, she should have no problem with you having some space to clarify your relationship with Miranda.

I think for Merida to be willing to have sex with you, even though Miranda isn't keen on it, if that's what I read correctly, then that's wrong. If I read incorrectly, sorry. It's hard to combat lust. Good luck.

 

[Magdlyn]

So far, this sounds like a very awkward approach to polyamory. Merida is married, and cheating? "In sin," as you put it. Right there, she is therefore incapable of polyamory, as it is almost always practiced. I myself don't date cheaters.

Second, did you really mean to say you "like Miranda to death," not "love"? Odd choice of words.

Third, if you are looking for a friend with benefits, but are telling Miranda she can have friends with no benefits, check yourself.

Fourth, as said above, if Miranda needs time to come to terms with this scattershot approach to getting your feet wet in the polyamory pool, it's your responsibility to give her that time, in a loving caring way. Merida needs to respect that. If she can't, she's not the woman for you. If, however, you throw away your SO for a FWBs situation with some random woman, that's your choice, of course. But you may live to regret choosing a married cheating woman over your actual partner, just because you are thinking with your dick. Dicks are great, dicks feel fantastic when aroused, but as mature adults we need to think with both parts, head and genitals. Down, boy.

 

[IndieSolo]

Hi, I've read the OP a few times and was hesitant to add anything, due to my newness to this lifestyle. However, in rereading it again, what I see is that you don't really respect the women in your life as well as you think you do. I would venture to say you might not respect yourself much, either. Additionally, you're afraid of losing both of them, but the way you put it makes them sound like possessions, rather than people who are important to you. Plus, you have painted the picture that the whole mess is their faults and you're just a hapless victim trying to have what you want. That's a bit icky.

.

 

[yul]

Thanks for your replies.

I agree with the fact that this is a very messy situation and perhaps shameful.

There are additional contextual elements that I have left out for the sake of brevity.

My relationship with Miranda was in very bad shape (other than sex). She agrees with this fact. She basically left me to myself for at least two years, while she pursued activities that really got me jealous (no cheating, though). This is why she is forgiving me for my acts, I believe.

The "I love her to death" comment was probably inappropriate. I understand this now. It should be "'love her so much."

The cowgirl Merida was truly cooperating in the beginning, but got frustrated after some time, since my SO Miranda and I were not able to set the guidelines and made her confused. She then decided to let her anger out.

Merida is married, yes, but has a somewhat consensual agreement with her husband. Not sure what it is, but she is entirely comfortable with this. The whole scene around us knows this.

So my last attempt is to cut this crap and perhaps maintain a friendship. But this will be hard.

Also, I never intended to pursue anything that I would not let Miranda do on her side. That was just bad writing on my behalf.

Yes, perhaps I have been disrespectful. I recognize that. This is unusual, as the situation became very stressful.

I am working with Miranda right now to put this behind us. I have cut communications with Merida until Miranda decides she wants to go ahead...if ever.

In the end, it wasn't so much about sex. Not sure if this is possible in a poly relationship. I need to read more.

Thanks.

 

[Ariakas]

The "I love her to death" comment was probably inappropriate and understand this now. Should be "'love her so much."

Just as a note, I think what threw us wasn't the "love her to death" part. It was that you said you "like" her to death... Very strange wording. In fact, I have never heard it phrased like that.

I am working with Miranda right now to put this behind us. I have cut communications with Merida until Miranda decides she wants to go ahead...if ever.

That's awesome. Congrats. Building the strong foundation will help in any future relationships.

In the end, it wasn't so much about sex. Not sure if this is possible in a poly relationship. I need to read more.

Lots of things are possible in polyamory. Polyamory, in the strictest sense, simply means to love more than one. What you do with that is your business. Ideally, most of us strive for honesty, and try not to hurt those we love. But we are human, and most of us fail at it sometimes.

 

[NeonKaos]

The "I love her to death" comment was probably inappropriate. Should be "'love her soo much."

You said you "like" her to death. People were taking issue with you using the word "like," not with you using the word "death."

I really like Miranda to death, as well, but I am seeing a side of her I don't like.

So, you meant to say you "like her so much"?

We still wonder why you use the word "like" instead of 'love" in that manner.

 

[yul]

Hey, I am just stressed out! I meant "love her to death," and then "love her so much." I don't just "like" her.

So polyamory without sex is possible? Is polyamory with just intimacy and some contact, but without intercourse, acceptable or worth pursuing?

 

[Ariakas]

So polyamory without sex is possible? Is polyamory with just intimacy and some contact, but without intercourse, acceptable or worth pursuing?

Yes, there are people who have non-sexual intimate partners. I don't think it happens often, as most people can't separate the concepts of romance, intimacy and sex. However, it is possible.

 

[redpepper]

I do.