First experience gone wrong

[smz80]

Hi
I allowed my wife to go after a guy she liked to have an outside experience (she never had a bf before) me. We are married since a long time (2 kids) and met when we were both young, so I told her that for me it was ok if she would flirt and go out with the guy to kiss around. She got involved emotionally and they started to have a relationship - the guy fell totally and genuinly in love with her. I told her that was ok as long as she would not become too involved, it would always be clear that we would be the primary relationship and that she could go out for cinema/drinks, but on a regulated basis (like once a week, not public) and especially, no sex. He knew that and he knew I knew.

That went well for about 4 months. The other 4 months she went behind my back and saw him without telling me and had sex without telling me. I eventually found out, made her stop seeing him (she agreed and is devastated but would have been more devestated if I would have left, what I was about to do) and now we are working on us.

She claims she just had the urge to go out and be with somebody else because she felt a passion there that she missed with us. I actually grant her that (it's a long time complaint) but we have been getting better at that - as she confirms! - in the last year or so. Still she had this affair and she went over the line that we both had agreed on.

I would love to here some comments from the experienced community. Is somebody at fault? Was that obious to happen? Does it qualify as "normal" cheating (I feel it does), and any advice how we handle this?

I feel I granted her so much and she just messed it all up, and yes there are some side factors, but they do't excuse her behaviour.

Thanks!

 

[vinsanity0]

Yes, it was obvious to happen.

You cannot control how another person will feel about another. Did you really expect them to have a close relationship and not have sexual feelings? Completely unrealistic.

Also, poly should not be used to fix a relationship. Your relationship must be stable if it is to survive opening up to others.

Yes, she cheated on your agreement, BUT she was set up to fail. For this reason I would chalk it up to "doing it wrong" and move past it to repair what was wrong with your marriage to begin with.

 

[PinkPig]

Is it cheating? Yes. She had a sexual relationship with another man, without your consent (and presumably, then came back and had sex with you, thus putting you at risk for possible STIs.) That's cheating, imo.

Was it inevitable (I think that's what you were asking)? I don't think cheating was inevitable, but I think given the situation, it was likely that someone would end up hurt. You both knew that she & this man had chemistry and that he was in love with her. Sexual intimacy is a common expression of romantic love. Given their feelings for one another, it was naive to think you could limit the expression of those feelings.

I'm with vinsanity. I'd chalk this up to poor set up and work on repairing your relationship (assuming that's what you & she want.)

One other comment, I think if you stop thinking of the relationship as ownership (allowing her, granting permission, etc), and start thinking of it as sharing (sharing love, sharing your lives, sharing intimacy, etc), it may be easier to forgive each other and move forward. It may sound like splitting hairs, but imo, the shift in perspective transforms the relationship.

 

[GalaGirl]

Does it qualify as "normal" cheating

Yes. It was cheating. Agreements were broken. It isn't like poly is "cheat proof." Agreements are kept or agreements are broken.

Is somebody at fault?

Yes. I think all of you in various ways contributed to the situation making.

• (You and her) for not thinking about prevention to minimize dings. You did not talk about what to do when agreements pinch and need to change ahead of time.
  
• (Her for cheating on (you+her) agreements) rather than asking you if you are willing to change them.
  
• (BF for helping her to cheat on (you+her) agreements) rather than reminding her to update them first. I imagine he would want YOU to respect (BF+her) agreements. It's fair to respect them in the other direction.

Was that obvious to happen?

Yes. I think it is a limitation of the primary-secondary open model.

Feelings can lead to wanting to have sex. Having sex leads to deepening feelings. It's like a circle thing. It happens. I see it more often from the "sex leads to feelings" direction. But I think it can happen in the "feelings to sex" direction too.

any advice how we handle this?

FIRST? I think you have some soul reaching questions to ask yourself:

At this point in time, what are your hard limits (ex: no way in hell ever would I want you to date my mother! That will never change.)
At this point in time, what are you soft limits? (ex: no more than 1x a week dates for now, but could change frequency over time).
What bucket does sex with others fall into for you? Hard limit or soft limit?

You have to figure out if you will continue poly or you only want Closed marriage now? Or you want to be single?
If poly, does that include her? Or you want to end it with her?
If poly with her, will that include BF or not?

SECOND? Assuming you all made honest newbie mistakes? And you three did your soul searchings and things line up for a new model with the same players to start up? And you all want to learn from this and move it forward? I believe a polyship is only as healthy as all the little "mini relationships" inside it.

So in this case, each of those layers would have to be repaired. Take the time to do each layer.

For you and wife to return to right relationship with each other?
You apologize to each other for not thinking that out well and catch it up. -- the need for agreements to be flexible and to change over time, and delineating HOW you each expect that to happen. Better define your hard limits and what are soft limits (no for now, can change over time.)
You both forgive each other for the lack of foresight.
You both state what it takes to make amends.
You both knock out the lists.
Clean slate. Start over.

She apologizes to you for cheating on (You+her) agreements.
You forgive.
You state what it takes to make amends.
She knocks out the list.
Clean slate. Start over.

BF apologizes to you for helping wife to cheat on (You+her) agreements that he was totally aware of. ***
You forgive him.
You state what it takes to make amends.
He knocks out the list.
Clean slate. Start over.

But maybe that last one is not on the list. It might be a consequence of cheating for her to permanently dump the BF she cheated with if she still wants to be with you. If he is not trustworthy or he's a cowboy or something negative... perhaps some of this applies. http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/

I encourage you to sit, think, and then talk it out. Sort out what happens now.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi smz80,

I am reluctant to assign blame in this situation. Obviously your wife and the other guy messed up. On the other hand they were asked to refrain from sex which is hard to do. And it gets harder to do as time goes on.

Right now you need to find out whether you and your wife have irreconcilable differences. If she is unwilling to give up the other guy, and she is unwilling to give up sex with him, and you are unwilling to tolerate those conditions, then you really have to consider breaking up because otherwise mayhem will occur.

I'm sure you are hurting. Sorry things have turned out like this.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.