First overnight unplanned and not expected

P

pwr2theladies

Member
Hey y'all. Happy Saturday.

I wanted to put this out there. Advice and opinions made with compassion are welcome.

So, my wife of 18 years and I have transitioned to polyamory over the last two years, dating others, or attempting to, lol, for 5 months, only recently has anything got consistent in terms of partners. We also have a 5-year old girl.

We took the time. She has gotten dates easily, me, not so much (It's ok. I know that's how it goes.) I'm fine with that.

The journey has been really rewarding. On my end, I have had time to really focus on myself and become much healthier, and I really like being seen by people. Seeing my wife bloom into this best version of herself is wonderful.

Now, the issue. Her first overnight happened. The only thing was that it was unplanned and I had no opportunity to mentally prepare for it. (Edit: I obviously knew there was a possibility eventually. Got no heads-up this was on the table, though.)

She had said that she would be having a drink or two with partner and be back really late, but would climb into bed and give me a snuggle. No talk of overnight.

I feel that spontaneity has been accounted for, it should, but this was a first. Maybe I was foolish for not expecting it. But I am a bit anal about communication, which I feel we are mostly good at.

However, for me it comes down to doing what you say you are going to do. I feel that when someone says they are going to do xyz, they should do that. I acknowledge that not everything needs to be perfectly planned. Is it not important to do what you say you will do?

I basically discovered the overnight when I woke up and she wasn't there. I just felt a bit neglected. I know feelings aren't facts. I also know that it was not intentional. It's just not what she said she would do. That's really the issue for me.

I am willing to acknowledge that it was just a bit of a shock for me, and not everything needs to be exact, but this was the first time. I felt like it was thrust upon me and now I need to find a way to be ok with it. I will be.

My wife acknowledged that she could have done better for this first time. She said she messed up. I was just communicating my feelings, not trying to guilt trip her. I do respect her autonomy.

Ultimately, I think this will improve our communication. We always seem to grow closer after hard talks. I feel though, if I had not said, "This isn't what you said you would do. I don't like how this went down on this milestone," then I would be a roll over.

I'm not saying I don't have more work to do and I'm right about everything. I wasn't trying to be mean to her. It just did not feel good. It felt really unfair. She knew it would not have gone down like that had roles been reversed. She acknowledged this.

I am doing a little better. I said to her, "The issue is just that this isn't what you said you were going to do." I think it will be ok. I felt I needed to be clear that keeping word is important to me.

If we all can't do that on little things, then how can we do it on bigger things?

I just needed to advocate for myself. Advice for navigating and opinions are welcome with kindness. I welcome opportunity for growth. Feel free to ask clarifying questions.

This is about community and me finding clarity and growth, not side-taking and bashing. We are all human.
 
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Sounds like you've already had the hard conversation and advocated for yourself, well done! I don't see that there's an awful lot to do right now, other that just give it time to let the feelings disapate. You've said you will be okay with it, and I have every confidence in you that you will.

I'm going to call out this bit, though:

I had no opportunity to mentally prepare for it.
Click to expand...

Well...you've had 2 years, and in that, 5 months of active dating, and I expect a lot of reading here and seeing that this was always a possibility (there are other posts here that someone has stayed over for the first time without communicating it after thinking that they would have come home but oops, fell asleep.) Furthermore, you've been doing the work (kudos), opening up slowly (more kudos) as is regularly recommended here, and you knew overnights were going to happen. So there has been mental preparation - in other words, don't sell yourself, or the last two years, short.

But as you've said, it's not the actual overnight that's the real issue, it's that you got surprised by it and it caused difficult feelings, regardless of it not being purposefully done *to* you. Now you've made it clear that you need her to stick to her word, that this is a fundamental requirement. And fair enough - gosh, when I was a teen, my mother ingrained it into me to let her know where I was going and when I'd be back (especially as those were the days before cell phones.). I still hold that as basic common courtesy in my own practice of polyamory. Especially as I've been scared before when Adam didn't get back at the time he said he would and I was conjuring up fears of him having been in a car accident on his way home (it was a fairly long drive, at night, on bad highway roads.) Sure, I was catastrophizing, but he'd given a time, and his phone decided to stop working so I couldn't reach him, and he was well late.

So...in your wife's shoes, honestly, I'd stop promising you I'd be coming home on date nights, ever. If I come home, it's because I wanted to for whatever reason of my own, not because I said I would (and then risk resenting that I'd said that). That's quite a big part of the autonomy part of polyamory. Is that something you could get on board with? That her (and your) date nights out could be assumed to be until the next day, regardless of it being a first date, a third date, or a 30th date? That any date window is, say, 24 hours unless there's some prior reason it really can't be? That would allow either of you to (for example) go to dinner, have drinks, fall asleep, wake up, have brunch, do an afternoon activity and then be home by evening. Or at least 18 hours (6pm to 12pm?) to give that option for a leisurely morning (I'm obviously thinking weekend date nights here).

Hopefully that's more food for thought, and then for conversation between you.
 
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Evie said:
Sounds like you've already had the hard conversation and advocated for yourself, well done! I don't see that there's an awful lot to do right now, other that just give it time to let the feelings dissipate. You've said you will be okay with it, and I have every confidence in you that you will.

Well...you've had 2 years, and in that, 5 months of active dating, and I expect a lot of reading here and seeing that this was always a possibility (there are other posts here that someone has stayed over for the first time without communicating it after thinking that they would have come home but oops, fell asleep.) Furthermore, you've been doing the work (kudos), opening up slowly (more kudos) as is regularly recommended here, and you knew overnights were going to happen. So there has been mental preparation - in other words, don't sell yourself, or the last two years, short.

But as you've said, it's not the actual overnight that's the real issue, it's that you got surprised by it and it caused difficult feelings, regardless of it not being purposefully done *to* you. Now you've made it clear that you need her to stick to her word, that this is a fundamental requirement. And fair enough - gosh, when I was a teen, my mother ingrained it into me to let her know where I was going and when I'd be back (especially as those were the days before cell phones.). I still hold that as basic common courtesy in my own practice of polyamory. Especially as I've been scared before when Adam didn't get back at the time he said he would and I was conjuring up fears of him having been in a car accident on his way home (it was a fairly long drive, at night, on bad highway roads.) Sure, I was catastrophizing, but he'd given a time, and his phone decided to stop working so I couldn't reach him, and he was well late.

So...in your wife's shoes, honestly, I'd stop promising you I'd be coming home on date nights, ever. If I come home, it's because I wanted to for whatever reason of my own, not because I said I would (and then risk resenting that I'd said that). That's quite a big part of the autonomy part of polyamory. Is that something you could get on board with? That her (and your) date nights out could be assumed to be until the next day, regardless of it being a first date, a third date, or a 30th date? That any date window is, say, 24 hours unless there's some prior reason it really can't be? That would allow either of you to (for example) go to dinner, have drinks, fall asleep, wake up, have brunch, do an afternoon activity and then be home by evening. Or at least 18 hours (6pm to 12pm?) to give that option for a leisurely morning (I'm obviously thinking weekend date nights here).

Hopefully that's more food for thought, and then for conversation between you.
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Thanks for the good things to think about. We also have a 5-year old girl, so that is a factor. I will take in what you said, but also talk to her about being a hinge.

All I really needed was, "I may stay overnight." This feels like a hinge making 2 commitments and follow through on one.

It helps me learn for when my time comes not to overpromise. A good hinge holds to commitments. She is a novice hinge and I can have compassion for that. I can't be a roll-over, though.
 
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I went through this early on in my relationship with my partner Pixi, soon after we'd met. We were poly together from the start.

It was her second date with a guy. They'd just met for lunch the first time. She liked him, felt safe, etc. So she had a second date set up, at his place, for dinner. It happened to be Halloween night.

I didn't live with her, but I was going to be coming over the next morning after her date. I got there at 11 and she wasn't there. I hadn't heard from her. Like you with having a young child, Pixi had two dogs and they hadn't been taken out. I thought that was irresponsible. (I took them out. Luckily they hadn't had an accident, but I felt bad for them.)

I was also worried because, well, she's a petite woman, she'd taken public transportation from one area of Boston to another. It was Halloween. I worried something bad had happened to her.

She got home about 30 minutes after I arrived. Her phone had died. She'd lost track of time and missed the last train. She was too shy to ask to use his tablet to text me. Everything was fine. But she NEVER did this to me again. She apologized profusely.

I think, as a mom, your wife is very important. She owes it to you and your daughter to be a woman of her word and come home when she says she will, or at the very least, send you a text or call by any means necessary.
 
Magdlyn said:
I went through this early on in my relationship with my partner Pixi, soon after we'd met. We were poly together from the start.

It was her second date with a guy. They'd just met for lunch the first time. She liked him, felt safe, etc. So she had a second date set up, at his place, for dinner. It happened to be Halloween night.

I didn't live with her, but I was going to be coming over the next morning after her date. I got there at 11 and she wasn't there. I hadn't heard from her. Like you with having a young child, Pixi had two dogs and they hadn't been taken out. I thought that was irresponsible. (I took them out. Luckily they hadn't had an accident, but I felt bad for them.)

I was also worried because, well, she's a petite woman, she'd taken public transportation from one area of Boston to another. It was Halloween. I worried something bad had happened to her.

She got home about 30 minutes after I arrived. Her phone had died. She'd lost track of time and missed the last train. She was too shy to ask to use his tablet to text me. Everything was fine. But she NEVER did this to me again. She apologized profusely.

I think, as a mom, your wife is very important. She owes it to you and your daughter to be a woman of her word and come home when she says she will, or at the very least, send you a text or call by any means necessary.
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Yeah thanks.
She has work to do on hinge skills and I can work on flexibility. I am looking at it as an opportunity to be more clear on communication and emphasizing the importance of following through
 
Hi pwr2,

It would have been nice if your wife would have called or texted, "Change of plans, I want to stay here overnight." Then at least you'd have known to not wait for her. So she made a mistake, we all make mistakes, this one can be forgiven. But in the future she needs to give you notice of whenever the plans change.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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