First Poly breakup

J

Jobelo

New member
Hey guys, I have been in my first poly triad for about a year and a half now and things aren't going so well. My husband I have decided that any person we get involved with has to be involved with both of us because that is just what works for us. For a while now I have had problems with our girlfriend. Don't get me wrong she is a great person, I just don't think I can cope with some of her flaws/issues long term and I am just not in love with her anymore.

I have discussed it with my husband and we are going to break up with her soon, but I don't know how to go about it. She has problems with anxiety and depression and I want to make this as easy on her as possible. This is her first serious relationship ever (she is several years younger than us) and she believes that this relationship is going to last for the rest of her life. I don't know if I should just tell her that I don't love her anymore, tell her that some of her flaws are ones I can't cope with long term, or something else. I want to be honest with her, but at the same time I want to be as gentle as possible.

Another thing that causes difficulties is that no one knows that we are romantically entangled because she still lives with her parents (while she is in college) and is afraid of being kicked out if it comes out. She is in our core group of friends and none of them know. I don't want this to cause either her or us to loose friends, but I don't know how comfortable she will be remaining friends after the break up.

Any advice?
 
Be prepared to answer a few questions. Why does your husband have to break up with her just because YOU aren't in love with her anymore? The whole "forced triad" situation is a landmine. Your husband can date who he wants, and you can do the same in turn.
 
Powerpuff

How did I know this is what would come up? Well, we used to be swingers and we tried the one on one things before actually he did stuff with her and I did stuff with another person and that configuration didn't work out for either of us. Because of this we decided together that a triad configuration is what would work for us, rather than going out with people separately. Whatever works for you and your relationships is fine, but everyone is different. It would be the same deal if he didn't love her anymore and I did. No one was "forced" into a triad configuration. He has said he doesn't want anything other than that either. It is a decision we made together before we even considered polyamory.
 
Last edited:
Actually, that isn't how I conduct my relationship at all. Your girlfriend is probably going to feel devastated no matter how you go about the breakup. This is her first relationship, and she is being dumped by two people she loves. Just do it as cleanly and compassionately as possible. As far as salvaging a possible friendship, other people have devised a "40 day rule" where you don't have any contact with her for that period of time. I think that would probably be the kindest thing you could do for her.

Just curious, have you read these boards at all? Particularly any threads that concern "couple privilege?" Maybe finding a partner who is already in another relationship, or someone who is closer to your age, or someone who has more relationship experience may be a better fit in the future.
 
I wasn't making any assumptions about how your relationships work (sorry if it came across that way), I was just trying to say that I don't want anyone else's standards to be applied to my relationships when all involved agreed to certain rules/guidelines.

We know now not to pursue someone with so little relationship experience. When we started the relationship, we had just seen all the great qualities she had and thought that those outweighed her lack of experience. We were planning the breakup to be when the semester ended, so she could have the summer to move past it (we go to school together). Thanks for the advice. It is going to be a rough one, but it has to happen.
 
Does she know that you two are only a package deal? That if one of you decides to dump her, she loses both relationships?

I don't know that you're really doing her any favors by continuing at this point. If she finds out you were planning to dump her for months, she may be more hurt than ever.
 
I get that the whole being in a triad thing works for you and your husband, but be prepared for the fact that it may not ever work for the woman you are involved with, at least not in the format you seem to want it to now. I think there are very few cases in life where you can make a genuine claim for X way being better than Y way, but in the case of an existing couple seeking to 'add a third' person, with the overall goal of creating an 'equal' partnership, then really, there *are* better and worse ways to go about that, and you are picking the much harder route. I know you are not wanting to hear advice on changing that, and you are probably already familiar with literature out there on unicorn hunting and the like, so I'm not going to bore you with it again. :)

Instead, I think in your current situation you need to just be quite blunt with her. I wouldn't wait for a 'right time', because as other posters have said, it sucks to find out in retrospect that your partners were planning on dumping you months ago and just went through the motions because they considered you too fragile to handle it. Be as compassionate as you can be, and make sure your husband is genuinely on the same wavelength as you and happy to end things. It would be terrible if you effectively dump her, then she runs to him and he expresses how awful he feels about it and how he still cares for her, but has to say goodbye because of his agreement with you. You guys need to be clear with her that this is his choice as much as yours. It's going to be very tempting for her to mentally paint you as the bad guy here. I would also be prepared for the fact that she is likely to at least tell someone in your inner circle about this. Whether she does so in a balanced and fair way ('we tried this thing, it didn't work out, I'm sad about that') or in an angry and hurtful way ('they seduced me, I loved them both so much, then she ended it because she's a horrible person'), I cannot say. But she *will* need friends to lean on in this time, and I think it's unfair of you to ask her to keep this all to herself.

Thinking about where you and your husband go from here in future, I think you could modify your expectations and goals a bit (to stay within you and your husband's comfort limits but in a way that is fairer to the new person), and also be more careful when finding someone to date (go for someone experienced in non-monogamy, and who is more self-aware). So, consider not trying to create a committed life partnership with the third person, and instead focus on more of a friends-with-benefits type thing. That kind of approach can work really well - I have something similar with my life-partner Nina and our friend Aries - and it can be a lovely thing. The key is being honest about how much interaction you can all expect, whether three-way sex is the only thing on the table, etc. These connections don't need to be superficial; we've been seeing Aries for more than a year, and I'd say he's a pretty important part of our life. We've been away on holidays together. He's helped us on our renovation project. We go out to parties together, and see each other socially. Basically, it's not just about sex - he's genuinely a good friend. Now, we might only see him once or twice a month (we all have other lovers and busy lives), but we have awesome sex and a lot of fun with him when we do.

The key to making it all work is that he is free to pursue connections with others (which he loves to do), and we are always really honest about what we can and can't offer. It's also to do with the kind of person he is. He's one of the most emotionally mature people I've ever met. He's been around the non-monogamy block a really long time. And from the first moment we met him, I just knew there would be no drama. If you can try to find someone like that, I promise you, you will learn a lot from them. I've grown a ton through this relationship, which goes to show that not every life-changing connection has to be intense romance and 'I-love-you-forever' all the way. It's sad that this hasn't worked out with this woman, but hopefully you can all grow from the experience - you and your husband can hone in on what exactly you want from your open marriage, and she can move onto her next relationship with an open heart. It's always horrible to break up with someone, but if you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it.
 
1509

Ok, of course she knows that we are a package deal. That is something we went over with her before even considering a relationship with her. See, we have to wait for the right time, which is coming up, because we are in nursing school. I know a lot of people don't understand that, but just one fuck up on a test can result in a class failure and not being able to reenter the program for 5 years. The stress is ridiculous and she already has trouble coping as it is, so I am waiting for a less stressful time. Anyways this is going to be my last post because I knew this would turn into a thing where people tell me what works for us is somehow not good enough and the slim chance of it working out, yadda, yadda, yadda. I was not looking for advice on that and then people seem to give it to me anyways. I am a grown ass adult and I don't need other people telling me what works for my marriage or giving me unsolicited advice.
P.S. We did the whole friends with benefits on the side thing as I mention earlier, and that didn't work for us. This layout has worked best so far, so I think we are going in the right direction.
 
Last edited:
Jobelo said:
See, we have to wait for the right time, which is coming up, because we are in nursing school. I know a lot of people don't understand that, but just one fuck up on a test can result in a class failure and not being able to reenter the program for 5 years. The stress is ridiculous and she already has trouble coping as it is, so I am waiting for a less stressful time.
Click to expand...
Good luck to both.
 
I know about the stress of nursing school. I was in it. My friend at the time had both her father and husband die while she was in the course (and she passed the boards the first time). Feeling like you were living in a fool's paradise is much worse than dealing with the truth. Please give your girlfriend some credit. If she was "adult" enough for you to have a relationship with her, she is adult enough to cope with the ending. I'm not sure what you were looking for when you originally came looking for advice.

I had it happen to me once when my own sister was withholding a secret from me because she felt like "I couldn't handle it." THAT insult to my coping capabilities was far worse than her just telling me the truth at the time of the event. You see, it wasn't about ME not being able to deal with it; it was HER not wanting to face the fallout just then. Please don't treat her like a child.
 
Hi Jobelo,

I am sorry you have stopped posting, I am posting in case you are still reading. Your original question seems to be how to break the news with her as gently as possible. My suggestion is to keep it short and simple, e.g., "Honey, I'm sorry to tell you this, but we're breaking up with you." And be willing to answer her questions as long as the drama is kept to a minimum.

I think I see your point about nursing school, and I am okay with the idea of waiting until school is out.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I would disagree and say that waiting until the end of the semester is a good idea considering how close that must be for you if you're school is like mine. Let her get through her exams without the added relationship stress. But also try not to be transparent that something bad is coming her way. Be kind and polite if nothing else.

How to tell her? Compassionately. Try to make it about you and the fact that it isn't working out for you and your husband rather than all her flaws. She might have questions but this isn't the right time to give her an itemized list of why she will never be with you long term. Be direct, don't hem and haw around the issue. Delaying the reason behind your talk won't make it better for her. Then let it go and give her some space. Maybe reduce your presence at social events for a little while out of courtesy. But above all be kind. Good luck.
 
When is the end of nursing school? If it is close and you can hang on until then? Wait until final tests are over so all of you get through tests without break up stress.

As for what to tell her? Keep it short and sweet, and do it all in the same space so there can be no triangulation. Something like...

"GF, I want to break up. It's not working out for me. I don't feel the same way I used to. I'm sorry. You are a good person, and I'm sorry we weren't a good fit."

And that's good enough. Spouse can speak for himself when it is his turn and do his break up talk.

Don't list her flaws. Focus more on parting short and sweet, and everyone goes home soon. Do not focus on parting long and drawn out and making it the evening that never ends.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top