First time for everything

C

Colbywest

New member
My wife and I married young, at 19, and have been married for six years. We have always talked about an open relationship but never took that leap, we were always too busy with our own relationships plethora of problems. Now that we have solved most of those issues we have been openly talking about having an open relationship. I personally have never been a jealous type of person, due to the reason of how confident (arrogant) I am. I really could care less what somebody thinks of me unless that person tells me I'm hurting their feelings or something. I have a huge empathy button, I have a serious problem saying anything to make a person feel better, even if it's a complete lie. My questions is however, when one does start a relationship, outside of marriage, (I love my wife to death and will always take care of her and support her and will not abandon her, but we have very different tastes except when it comes to morals. I'm outdoorsy and athletic and like to sarcastically tease, and she's on the other side of the spectrum) how does one meet people effectively of the same tastes? Especially since I'm in the military my career soaks up 80 percent of my time. But I would love to meet a female that enjoys that sort of activity. Something extra that my wife doesnt necessarily enjoy on a regular basis.
 
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I find the best way to find someone who's interested in a certain activity is to do that activity on your own or in a meetup group, and look within the other people you find doing that activity. If you want to find someone who's into hiking, go for a hike, or post a want-ad on Craigslist or kijiji for a hiking partner. You'll still have to sort to find someone who's poly-friendly, but that's a given no matter where you look.

You could also create an okcupid profile that emphasises outdoor activities and non-monogamy (and sarcasm?) as "very important" in your questions list. That will force the algorithm to match you with nonmonogamous women who like hiking and sarcasm. Narrows the pool considerably...
 
Colbywest said:
my wife has always been the jealous type. .....
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There's really no such thing as a jealous type, in so far as nobody is stuck with a "jealous gene" or doomed to live with thoughts of jealousy. Jealousy is rooted in insecurity and this is something that every person can take steps to greatly improve. If your wife is highly insecure right now (which she is if you're perceiving her to be the "jealous type,") then opening your relationship is the last thing that is going to help. You two sound to be in very different places, have different interests and vastly different approaches to life. An open marriage will not soothe these differences, even if it does kick the can of separation down the road. Do you have children? If not, then seriously think about what the next 70 years will be like, because that's easily how many more years you have left to live.
 
You're right, I didn't say that right. I should edit that, I was jealous too, I meant we were jealous because we married so young and had a lot of growing up to do. Later in the post I mention how we have solved most (only because I feel there is never a "perfect" relationship), we both had a lot of insecurities due to the way we were brought up. It's really quite interesting noticing how completely different we are than the children that got married over six years ago. Your advice is sound and appreciated however.
 
Colbywest said:
...I would love to meet a female that enjoys that sort of activity. Something extra that my wife doesn't necessarily enjoy on a regular basis.
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It takes a LOT of maturity, graciousness and confidence for a person to be OK with her spouse having this kind of relationship. I'm 55 and feel like I just got to this place a few years ago. From how you describe your wife, she seems lightyears away from happily welcoming a woman with whom you share the adventure and sex that she is not affording you. Fantasizing about a "cool" woman who will go hiking with you and have good sex with you is vastly different than having an actual person in your world. An open marriage takes an extraordinary amount of self-knowledge, self-confidence and generosity of spirit.
 
Hi Colbywest

My questions is however, when one does start a relationship, outside of marriage
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Something extra that my wife doesnt necessarily enjoy on a regular basis.
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It almost sounds like you want an affair rather than move your marriage in a poly direction. If nothing else, poly is about starting a new relationship within marriage and all the ramifications of that.

One of the things that occurs to me in passing is that Poly implies that your wife may be free to take lovers, and consequently that may become known. As a serviceman, you will know that soldiers (or sailors) on the whole are not the most emotionally sophisticated or mature of individuals. And less so when you get them in a bunch socially- all you have to do is listen to conversations in the ORs mess or Corporal's Club about sex and relationships- and there is nothing like a military establishment for rumours and innuendo. The attitudes and lack of understanding (real, or as a means of simply ribbing) from your fellow squaddies could well be a significant burden you may have to bear as well as all the other complications of a poly life. Especially if the other party was known to all and sundry- that the sergeant of 2 Platoon was porking your wife, for instance.

I am sure it is something you have considered and of course you could establish a rule like she can't date uniforms, but if she is not so social and is largely base-bound, how fair is that?

As I said above, they were just a couple of thoughts that occurred to me as I read your post and I could be well off-beam.

/Adam
 
This has never been a fantasy of mine, I could care less if I met another girl. My wife is my best friend so I'm not lacking anything, I'm very content with my life. And to the rumors, she already said that there's a certain line you don't cross and she knows not to do that, as I wouldn't sleep with her friends to cause her distress. And to answer that I'm looking for some side piece, she's the one that brought the subject up of poly first, and started the online dating thing, i just found this forum to further educate myself.
 
Greetings Colbywest,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I think SchrodingersCat had the best idea: Do the stuff you like to do and keep an eye open for others who like to do the same. Finding people is a gradual process so you still have to be patient, but the activity-based search seems to be the most promising. That and specifying what's important to you on your OKCupid profile.

I hope you'll find what you're looking for.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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Welcome aboard!
 
Well, since you don't care whether you meet someone or not, are content with your life as it is, and poly has never been a fantasy of yours, then why ask us how you can meet a woman? There doesn't seem to be any reason for us to bother responding.

Good luck!
 
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Well, I see your point. I posted this a bit prematurely because i found all my answers just by reading other people's stories. But my curiosity got the best of me and I was just telling my story. Sorry for the inconvenience haha. I have my motivations just like anybody else.
 
I wouldn't fret. Occasional confusion about what you want out of life is part of being human. Even if nothing changes, it's good to go through the process of learning how you would go about it if it did. Personal growth and all that. And I see nothing wrong with asking a forum of experienced people questions that help you sort out your feelings.

I don't know if I agree with the claim that there's no such thing as the jealous type. I do agree that jealousy comes from insecurity, and some people are more insecure than others. So the more insecure people are what I would call the jealous type. There are also those with strong patriarchal upbringings whose jealousy comes not from insecurity but possessiveness of their female property, which is bullshit obviously but not necessarily born of insecurity. Like, I don't want to share my panties, but that doesn't mean I'm insecure. They're my panties. I don't want someone else's yuck all over them. But obviously panties aren't people and don't have any rights to decide who wears them. All that being said, I do agree that "being the jealous type" is not a fundamental property that can't be changed, as opposed to something like intelligence or certain mental health issues.
 
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Thank god you said that, it felt like I was digging myself a hole and I wasn't even trying to. I am confused and I don't have any motivations. It seems like a new and exciting, yet intimidating type of lifestyle. Thank you everybody for your input.
 
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