First time in a while feeling replaceable

[BirdbutnotaPenguin]

My poly world has been going smoothly now for a couple months, and because I live in a high-digital nomad area, ive had rather short partnerships- but still have remained very close with everyone once they've left/ moved away.

About a month ago I met B, and it was great! He knew I was poly, because its not a secret in my life, and we met through friends. He, however in monogamous. Things were going great, and he went away on a week trip and I had no issues about him sleeping with other people, although he did not.

When he cam back, things still were great with him, and also in my other partnerships. But a few days ago he was acting strange, and im the type of person that gets annoyed when theres clearly something wrong and the other person won't bring it up unless asked. So I asked- annoyed with the lack of communication on his part that something was amiss.

So apparently several nights before he met a girl. Super stoked for him! But, he went on to say, that he only wants to be with one person at a time. Okay, so then I was bewildered... I looked at him and asked then what were he and I doing? Is he feeling weird because he feels like he cheated?

He said no, he didn't take us seriously, because he couldn't never seriously be with a poly person.

I felt like someone punched me in the chest. He continued on to say that he's surprised I care, because I have 2 other partners. So now at this point im angry- like I somehow am a subhuman with no feelings?

He tells me he just met this girl and wants to see where it goes with her, so I say his feelings are valid, and I will not convince him otherwise, but that he has deeply hurt my feelings and I haven't experienced this in a long time.

Usually a partnership ends for me because of failures in communication, not because of someone else- poly and all...

It was just a sick feeling. Im still hurting over it. Not so much losing him, but that someone could think so little of me, and how I live my life. All of my other partners were incredibly supportive, and kind... and it all reminded me why im poly in the first place, that those words he said to me will never come out of my mouth... and that the values I hold makes sure that anyone im with feels valued and loved, no matter the circumstance..

He is a friend to all my friends, and im not sure how to go about with all of them. Im feeling a bit small about the whole situation. and a bit dumb... everyone knew how much I liked him, so I feel like and idiot after everything.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Bird,

I'm sorry that B acted like that, that was a shitty attitude on his part. In poly, people do not have to be replaceable, it's not either/or, you can have both. Unfortunately, in mono, people are replaceable by definition, you can't have both, it's either/or. It seems that B's mind is rather closed to poly, he does not understand that having more than one partner does not lessen the importance of any of the partners. What's worse though is that he's okay with not taking you seriously because you're poly. That's just mean. He should at least have informed you of that from the very beginning. Then you could have decided to not keep seeing him.

This tarnishes your opinion of B, and then you have to wonder what kind of people your friends are, if they are friends with him. Maybe they just don't realize he has that attitude, he seems to not talk about it often. You probably don't need to discuss it with them, unless you are really close friends with some of them. Just tell them you broke up if the subject comes up, don't get into why. And if you see B because he's mingling with them, be polite to him but don't go out of your way to be friendly towards him. He was not nice to you, you don't owe him anything.

I hope you can heal from that.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you are hurting.

I end up with the same advice as Kevin. Break up, be polite if you see him, but don't be super chummy.

But I guess I read it differently. I'm not seeing mean words there. Were there more words to the story? Going by just your first post? I see disappointment, but I'm not seeing anything MEAN.

About a month ago I met B, and it was great! He knew I was poly, because its not a secret in my life, and we met through friends. He, however in monogamous.

Ok. No secrets or surprises there. He told you from the start that he is monogamous. He knows from the start you are poly. He was dating you for a month. You seemed to be ok with that. You were ok and encouraged him to see other people, but he didn't. Just you.

Now he's found someone else he wants to date and see where it goes. Presumably monogamously.

So apparently several nights before he met a girl. Super stoked for him! But, he went on to say, that he only wants to be with one person at a time. Okay, so then I was bewildered

Why is this news bewildering? He told you he is monogamous from the start. That means one person at a time. For the last month, it's been you and you both know you cannot provide the monogamy he ultimately seeks.

Now he's moving on to date someone else he wants to date to see where it goes. Presumably... seeking long term monogamy there. That is not something you can provide.

I looked at him and asked then what were he and I doing? Is he feeling weird because he feels like he cheated?

He said no, he didn't take us seriously, because he couldn't never seriously be with a poly person.

What's wrong with telling you that? It is telling you what he thinks and how he feels. That is not him casting aspersions on you or your poly lifestyle. That is telling you HIS personal limitations. He cannot participate in a poly network long term and consider it a serious commitment. Cuz he prefers monogamy.

Were your expectations for this 4 week relationship with a monogamous person to be something other than casual?

If I was dating a monogamous person, I would not expect anything serious there from my direction either. Because I ultimately cannot provide monogamy. I could never seriously be with a monogamous person. That's not me thinking little of them or their lifestyle. That's me thinking our preferred ways of going are never going to be a long haul runner. They are monogamous and I am not. At best, it could be a short run. But I would not expect a long run. Because of fundamental incompatibilities.

I felt like someone punched me in the chest. He continued on to say that he's surprised I care, because I have 2 other partners. So now at this point im angry- like I somehow am a subhuman with no feelings?

I am very, very sorry you are hurting.

I mean this kindly ok?

I think here your hurt feelings may be coloring how you hear what he is saying. Unless there is something more to the story? Just going by what I read? You knew he was monogamous going in. You also have other partners to be with who ARE giving you serious relationships.

To me, he is expressing his surprise that you are taking this break up so hard because it's only been a month, you knew he's monogamous from the start, and you have serious relationships with 2 other partners. So he doesn't understand why you had expectations that this 4 week relationship was a serious relationship with him rather than a casual one.

Esp with you encouraging him to see other people all along -- to the monogamous mindset that might read as "This is not serious. Just casual fun."

I think that's fair enough for him to do. He's allowed to express surprise.

It sounds like you both discovered you both had different views/expectations of this dating relationship. It hurts to find that out. But where is the anger coming from? And why take it to the "subhuman" place? Reading that I was like "Wow... where did that come from?"

This doesn't sound like him calling you subhuman with no feelings. YOU are the one calling yourself that. Why?

To me it sounds like you are taking this break up personally like an attack on your life.

Rather than situationally like "well, it was short run, and we went in knowing each other's preferences. Those are not preferences that go together for long."

He tells me he just met this girl and wants to see where it goes with her, so I say his feelings are valid, and I will not convince him otherwise, but that he has deeply hurt my feelings and I haven't experienced this in a long time.

Fair enough. Breaks ups are not fun to feel.

Usually a partnership ends for me because of failures in communication, not because of someone else- poly and all...

This to me IS a failure in communication. He thought you guys were dating casually. You seem to have thought you guys were dating more serious than that.

It was just a sick feeling. Im still hurting over it. Not so much losing him, but that someone could think so little of me, and how I live my life.

In your story, I haven't read where he said mean things like he thinks little of you and little of how you live your life.

So far I read that he is monogamous, he told you, you dated 4 weeks. Now he's ending the casual dating with you because he's a 1 person at a time dater. And he wants to date another person now. Presumably seeking monogamy. And he's surprised to find that you thought this was more than a casual dating thing for the last 4 weeks.

All of my other partners were incredibly supportive, and kind... and it all reminded me why im poly in the first place, that those words he said to me will never come out of my mouth... and that the values I hold makes sure that anyone im with feels valued and loved, no matter the circumstance.

He said unloving and devaluing words to you? Did I miss something?

I read miscommunication/different expectations. Not mean words or devaluing lifestyles.

He is a friend to all my friends, and im not sure how to go about with all of them. Im feeling a bit small about the whole situation. and a bit dumb... everyone knew how much I liked him, so I feel like and idiot after everything.

It is ok to like him a lot. It's ok to feel a bit dumb -- realizing that maybe how you vet dating partners in future needs to cover expectations a bit better so both are on the same page more. Could call it a life lesson and not feel too bad about learning that.

If this was basically crossed wires? Don't make it more than that. Don't take it personally.

Take a time out to heal from the break up. Maybe think about how you feel about dating monogamous people in future. You may decide to give it a pass when they tell you from the start that they are monogamous. If all it can ever be is a short run because you want poly network and they want monogamy? And you don't like experiencing more break ups more often than you absolutely have to? Maybe just give it a pass?

Monoamourous (want to share love with 1 sweetie) and relationship shape flexible (can be in a monogamous thing or end point in a V or poly network) kinda of person might be ok.

But monoamorous and monogamous? Nope. It doesn't end well, so maybe don't bother any more. So you don't have to go through this again.

Take a time out. Then after a time out to heal, you can go back to participating in the friend circle.

Tell him and the friends that you need time and space to process the break up, but plan to just be polite if you bump into each other in future.

Take the high road.

Galagirl
__________________

 

[BirdbutnotaPenguin]

Wow that was actually really great to hear. That’s why I love this place. Unbiased answers and all. So for me it was also the way he said what he said. Very nonchalant and like what he and I were doing wasnt “anything”. It felt like when he was saying those words like I was just a pit stop to keep him occupied until something better came along.

And Galagirl you’re totally right, this is still a case of miscommunication and I didn’t realize. I had been so upfront with who I am, I expected him to be as well, forgetting that sometimes people do have a hard time being that level of honest.

He and I had been spending a lot of time together and although I knew it wasn’t a serious relationship, I didn’t realize he wasn’t ever going to be in a place where it might turn into one.

I feel a whole lot better after reading this. I guess for me it was the fact that someone else popped into his life and he rather easily wrote me off that hurt.

 

[GalaGirl]

I cannot speak to tone of voice since I was not there.

So for me it was also the way he said what he said. Very nonchalant and like what he and I were doing wasnt “anything”. It felt like when he was saying those words like I was just a pit stop to keep him occupied until something better came along.

Well, after dating only 4 weeks I don't think you had the time to do the "Hey, if we have to break up, this is how I like to be broken up with" conversation. Whether by phone, in person, etc.

I could be wrong, but I still think your feelings are clouding the view. What you call "nonchalant" he might call "trying to let you down easy" esp since he wasn't sounding ready to have the break up talk right then and there. Sounds like you kinda put him on the spot.

I had been so upfront with who I am, I expected him to be as well, forgetting that sometimes people do have a hard time being that level of honest.

He sounds like he was honest about being monogamous. What was he not up front enough about?

Did you want him to be more clear that he only wanted to date you casually? If that matters to you, maybe from this point forward you could ASK potentials directly about that. Then you can know ahead of time.

He and I had been spending a lot of time together and although I knew it wasn’t a serious relationship, I didn’t realize he wasn’t ever going to be in a place where it might turn into one.

I guess that's where I'm confused. To me when someone says they are monogamous? I'm gonna believe them.

That right there means it will NEVER be anything but casual if we date a short time. Cuz they want monogamy, and I'm not dumping my spouse. It's just not a match that way. And that right there makes it a non-runner at this time of my life. I don't want to deal in that.

When I was younger and unmarried I did not mind limited run relationships. Like a summer romance or something. It was ok to enjoy it as a relationship of the present, and know at the end of the summer it would be over. Because it wasn't ever intended to be more than that. And in that context, a mismatch of monogamous and poly doesn't matter because in a few weeks/months it's over anyway. But I don't want to bother with short runs like that now. I'm in a different place. I'm not single poly. I'm married poly. It's not just me I come with. YKWIM?

I feel a whole lot better after reading this.

Glad to hear that.

I guess for me it was the fact that someone else popped into his life and he rather easily wrote me off that hurt.

How did he easily write you off?

From what I read?

But a few days ago he was acting strange, and im the type of person that gets annoyed when theres clearly something wrong and the other person won't bring it up unless asked. So I asked- annoyed with the lack of communication on his part that something was amiss.

You came into the conversation "pre-angry" thinking that you have to be fishing things out of him. When actually? You don't. You could let him be with his acting strange and let him deal with himself. You do not have to provide emotional labor for people. Maybe he's not ready to share with you.

So... you asked why he's seeming weird. (I would guess he was trying to figure out how to break up with you. )

So then you guys are having the break up conversation before he's fully prepared and fully thought that out.

To me that is not writing you off. He's trying to attend to the question you just brought up. That he did it bungly? Well, if he's monogamous... How many other poly people has he been dating to learn how to deal with breaking up with a poly person? Esp when put on the spot?

When you find out he was strange because he was thinking about breaking up? Then you are REALLY upset and projecting more on to his words than he is actually saying. (Ex: the whole subhuman thing.)

I get where the conversation could have gone better than it did. And maybe he could have said "I have things on my mind I'm trying to sort out. " so he could take more time to prepare. But it doesn't sound like he was outright blowing you off.

I get where a break up in general isn't FUN... but to me it doesn't sound like he was out to get you or something.

• The (want monogamous) and (want poly network) mismatch from the start? You both were aware of that.

• Him thinking (this is casual dating for a short while only) and you thinking (this is casual dating that will become serious) was a mismatch you both did not see. Each assumed the other one thought the same as them without actually talking about it. Then got caught by surprise at the mismatch in thinking/expectations when it came out how it did.

• Having the break up conversation (before he's really ready to have it but put on the spot) on his side and (totally out of the sky) for you on your side? That's not comfortable for either.

I don't think anyone was outright mean or out to get each other here. Just... a series of unfortunate events. Something to learn from maybe, but not anything to get super angry about.

Take the time to heal, and be civil/polite if you run into each other.

I *AM* glad you feel better talking it out here.

Could it be your thinking that is hurting you extra though? Cuz I'm not seeing him doing things to you. Look at that last bit again. This time with blue thinking inserted and in "slow motion movie" frame of mind.

I feel a whole lot better after reading this. I guess for me it was the fact he told me that someone else popped into his life. (Then I thought) he easily wrote me off. (Thinking) that hurt me.

Breaking up stinks. In dating people ARE allowed to break up, though. Sometimes it is just not a match.

But you telling yourself EXTRA things like he's replacing you with her, he easily is writing you off... these are things YOU are telling yourself. Not him. At least... not anywhere that I'm reading. So why hurt yourself extra like that? Is this a habit?

Rather than telling yourself "I'm replaceable, he's writing me off, he thinks I'm subhuman, etc" (taking things personally/being your own bully.)

You could tell yourself "Well, we tried. It was not a match." (the situation.)

Could be a lot kinder to yourself.

Galagirl

 

[BirdbutnotaPenguin]

I think this was a great learning experience for me, and in the future i might just make it a limit where i don't date monogamous people. I have just known poly people who have had monogamous partners and it worked for them, and so when he and i began our relationship, i hadnt realized that anything beyond casual was off the table. Which is a great lesson to take from this, and maybe start having the relationship expectation talk sooner than i usually do.

A few weeks ago i had asked him how open he wanted me to be about my other partners, and what type of comfort he felt he might need, and he had told me that it didn't really bother him and he was fine. and to me, that was him saying he was fine in the whole situation, not that "this doesn't bother me because i dont take it seriously" which is what he later said during our 'break up' talk.

I think what was the most unsettling, and why i took it so bad was because i clearly just read the whole situation wrong. Which then led me to re-think all of our experiences together? If that makes sense? I of course want him to be happy, we were friends before we got together, and it just quite literally did not compute when he was clarifying that he couldn't be with me and this other person to find that happiness.

 

[GalaGirl]

I agree this is a learning experience that you can get some good stuff from.

I think this was a great learning experience for me, and in the future i might just make it a limit where i don't date monogamous people. I have just known poly people who have had monogamous partners and it worked for them

I would not call those people monogamous. I would call them monoamorous (want 1 sweetie) and (relationship shape flexible) because they are ok being an end point person in a poly network of X or a monogamous network of 2.

But if there is a person who is monoamorous in their love style AND in their relating style they want to practice monogamy? That means 1:1 relating with those 2 people in the network and that is IT. They are not gonna be happy in a poly network long term. Period. It's not the relationship model they want. They might do it casually, but not seriously and not forever. It is not their ultimate want.

when he and i began our relationship, i hadnt realized that anything beyond casual was off the table. Which is a great lesson to take from this, and maybe start having the relationship expectation talk sooner than i usually do.

I think so. Have it sooner so you are on the same page.

A few weeks ago i had asked him how open he wanted me to be about my other partners, and what type of comfort he felt he might need, and he had told me that it didn't really bother him and he was fine. and to me, that was him saying he was fine in the whole situation, not that "this doesn't bother me because i dont take it seriously" which is what he later said during our 'break up' talk.

I think in any new relationship people have to "calibrate" language use.

Like regional stuff. Here you will hear

A: Do you want a coke?
B: Sure!
A: Ok. What kind? (ie: what kind of soda)
B: I want a Coke coke. (Coca-cola)

That sounds weird to people who think

A: Do you want a coke?
B: Sure!
A: Ok what kind?
B: I just told you! COCA-COLA! You asked me if I wanted one. COKE.

Elsewhere they talk about "pop" or "soda pop."

So maybe in future to reduce misunderstandings you could say "Ok, let me repeat back what I heard in my own words so I know I get it how you mean it. You mean..."

Or you could tell the other person "Ok, could you please repeat what I just said back in your own words so I know you got it how I meant it?"

I think what was the most unsettling, and why i took it so bad was because i clearly just read the whole situation wrong. Which then led me to re-think all of our experiences together? If that makes sense?

Sure it makes sense. Natural to do a review in your head post break up.

I of course want him to be happy, we were friends before we got together, and it just quite literally did not compute when he was clarifying that he couldn't be with me and this other person to find that happiness.

Understandable. Didn't have language calibrated well.

He said MONOGAMOUS monogamous. (like the COKE coke.)

You were hearing something else based on your experience of seeing other poly people who have monoamorous "end point" partners.

These things happen. Cannot have EVERYTHING sorted in a 4 week old relationship. Don't take it too hard.

Galagirl