Four year "quad" ending in divorce - need guidance

[drinnt]

Four Year quad, afraid may be over...help?

Four years ago my wife and I met another couple at swingers and after a year it became polyamorous. After another year we started doing things separately because there was too much emotional distress to manage doing things together.

It worked well for the last two years. Well enough anyway. My wife and I have a great marriage and have been working through everything we need to deal with to do this and remain healthy. My partner and her husband, who is dating my wife, have struggled through therapy for two years trying to save their marriage.

Last fall my relationship with my partner had been the best it's ever been for almost a year. But my wife was having problems with her partner, nothing devastating but definite difficulties. Last fall, also,my wife's partner broke up with her, they were having relationship problems. During that time my partner and I continue dating as my wife and I managed going through a very difficult time where she had to watch me continue to date my partner and figure out how to be polyamorous for the first time on her own. We did well. But during this time my partners husband made a lot of promises to her about their relationship. It look like things were going to get better for them. Until he decided to get back with my wife

When he decided to get back with my wife he devoted himself wholly and completely to her and turned his back on his marriage. He wanted to remain married in a loving friendship and that tore my partners heart apart because of the promises and pledges he made to her during the break up that they could have their marriage back. Basically he dangled their marriage in front of my partner and then yank it away when he got back together with my wife.

This was more than my partner could bear and she struggled through it for the last four months, my relationship with her struggles along with it. in our first three years I watched my partner struggle a lot with the ups and downs in her marriage trying to make this work. This last year has been great. But after her husband got back together with my wife she started struggling again in ways that she's never struggled before and that really impacted me because I thought we were through that process and had moved on to a better place. I do not want to be in a relationship that is full of struggling. She knows this, my partner, and I have had many talks with her about how difficult it is for me to be back in a relationship that struggling after having a period that everything was peaceful for so long, the way I wanted it to be. The way I knew it could always be. The way we work so hard to get to that place made it even more difficult to see it boomeranging back around.

So now my partner can't stand it anymore and needs to get out of the marriage. More than anything else. She has announced that she is leaving her husband and moving two hours away to another state and that will drastically impact the situation and environment in which my relationship with my partner grew to be what it is today. Much less added on top of it the stress of supporting her through a divorce is way more than I can handle.

This weekend I was supposed to be with my partner but had a phone call on Thursday that resulted in me taking a break. She is devastated, as am I. I feel like the biggest asshole loser for choosing now when I should be supporting her going through her divorce but instead I am pretty much causing her to face losing two relationships instead of one because I am having a difficult time going through this and it is more than I can handle. I already have a marriage and relationship that I put a lot of energy into, my relationship with my partner is supposed to be fun. I don't want to sound like an unreasonable person, relationships are work, and I am not afraid of doing work. It's been four years of work with a lot of fun as well. But the amount of work that's in front of me right now I just cannot handle in a world where I have a marriage and family and friends and a job and a whole other life to support on top of it. Especially on top of the fact that this divorce is going to drastically change the situation and environment that I built the relationship with my partner in. I don't know what my relationship with my partner is going to look like after the divorce. I know I will see her less, I know she will expect me as she has said to be the same I have always been. There is nothing wrong with our relationship except the fact that I am having a very difficult time dealing with all of this and she is not always present to our relationship because of the difficult times that she's going through.

Part of me wants to break up. Part of me wants to take a break, which I did and I am doing right now for the past two days. Part of me wants to get back together with her on a limited basis. Part of me tells me I should just continue with the relationship the way it is...but up to this point at least before the break I took this weekend that has been agonizing. Full of ups and downs. These past few months when I was going over to see her I would often stall or stop on the side of the road and take a few moments to clear my mind catch my breath. And when I see her it would take me a little while before I got into it and find my mind wandering and staring out the window. Eventually I would catch a groove and we would have a wonderful Time, she also went through the same process from time to time. Then when I would separate from her and be back in my other life I would crash and feel the weight of the situation too heavy to handle. We would have bad conversations. And this roller coaster ride is one that I see will eventually destroy us. So I took a break and here I am.

So help?

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you are struggling.

This weekend I was supposed to be with my partner but had a phone call on Thursday that resulted in me taking a break. She is devastated, as am I. I feel like the biggest asshole loser for choosing now when I should be supporting her going through her divorce but instead I am pretty much causing her to face losing two relationships instead of one because I am having a difficult time going through this and it is more than I can handle.

Nobody can be Superman or Wonder Woman. If you are stretched past your personal limitations? You are stretched past what you can take.

That's not being an asshole to her. You just are HUMAN.

Just like in a plane crash where you would put your own oxygen mask on first? You have to take care of you first before you can try to take care of anyone else. You are already stretched past what you can do without cracking around the edges. Agreeing to STAY that way rather than pull back some so you can start to feel better is not sensible. That would be you choosing to do self harm.

You can love someone a whole lot, even 49%. But the other 51% has to be for loving you, so you don't let your soft feelings for someone lead you into harming yourself with poor choices/poor behavior.

You have only taken a 2 days time out. IME, it takes me at least 3 days to clear adrenalin dump. Maybe more. I feel like "flu" or something. Put through the wringer.

You keep cranking back up and crashing. That whole "rollercoaster" effect.

I suggest you take a longer time out and get off the roller coaster so you can do some soul searching and some thinking from a clearer head. Then arrive at some decisions.

If you are not able and not willing to support her? Think about why. Is it because she's overleaning on you? Then in order for you to become more willing and able you have to be firm and tell her to see a counselor to air out her divorce problems and not turn you into her "life raft" because she's sucking you under. That's not loving or kind behavior on her part. You can support her like THIS --- but that's it. The other support she has to seek amongst other people. You being part of her support team is one thing. You being THE WHOLE TEAM is another. If her expectations of you are unrealistic, you have to tell her.

If you find you are willing, but simply not able to support her at this time because you are past your personal limitations? Be honest. You can give no support at this time. You are bone dry. You may need to take a longer time out to attend to your OWN health issues and concerns FIRST. Part of that may be seeking your own counselor to help you manage stress and stepping back from the current divorce mess. If wife and her BF are also overleaning on you in this time... you could exercise better personal boundaries and tell them to talk to people outside the system. Not you because you are in the system. When your fuel tank is full again, you can gift your GF some help without it coming out of your hide because you are trying to run on zero fuel in your tank.

Maybe the problem is that you are not willing and not able. You are basically done here, but sad about it and still trying to come to peace with that. Is that what is going on? Then you could take a time out to mourn on your own for a bit. Then tell her you need to part ways permanently. This isn't just the divorce thing causing stress. The divorce thing is just one more thing on the UGH pile that had already been accumulating.

If it is something else? Figure it out. Give it a good think from a calmer mind.

I don't know what my relationship with my partner is going to look like after the divorce. I know I will see her less, I know she will expect me (as she has said) to be the same I have always been. There is nothing wrong with our relationship except the fact that I am having a very difficult time dealing with all of this and she is not always present to our relationship because of the difficult times that she's going through.

With your present work, family, & friends life does...

• a front row seat to divorce process
• LDR with her moving 2 hours away
• her expectation of you not to change and to stay the same as always

...ADD to the stretched thin feelings or TAKE AWAY from the stretched thin feelings?

I think it all adds to your stress.

I think you could take a longer break than 2 days. Say a month. See what living WITHOUT this stress feels like.

Take the time to do your own self care. Put your own oxygen mask on. Figure out what that looks like. Maybe that looks like seeking a counselor. Returning to comforting routines. Exercise. Eating right. Using up some of your vacation/sick days and checking into a hotel for long weekend to sleepathon and be under NO STIMULUS so you can catch your bearings.

After a month, then see how you feel about continuing here or not.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi drinnt,

Sorry to hear things aren't going well with your partner (and her husband). You are taking a break right now and I suggest continuing to take a break until you feel a bit more relaxed and able to make a decision about what you'll do long-term. Things will certainly change once your partner moves out of state. Maybe you need to institute some changes as well. Something to think about.

Hang in there,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[drinnt]

Thank you both for your replies. I really needed to read your words today. I really needed the support. I have been dying all weekend without anyone to talk to, not many of our friends know about our situation and those that do cannot support me in the way that I need. Those that could I do not want to air my dirty laundry to because they are mutual friends that may not know the depths to which things have sunk in my girlfriends relationship, marriage.

The thing that is killing me most is that my girlfriend and I always work things out together and worked on things together because the mutual and goal was that we got to be together and keep this bus on the road. But with the divorce the bus has stalled and there is no getting back on it. This relationship is destined for a completely different destination. I do not know if I want to go there because I am still mourning the loss of everything that I had back in September that has drastically changed. I really loved what we had come to build together and now that has all collapsed and all that is left is the studs, and I do not have energy to rebuild right now. Even though she is looking at me and questioning why our love is not enough for me to continue through this hardship.

The reason I feel like a loser is because I love her deeply, as she loves me, and she needs me right now but I just cannot support her. If it were just her and I we could get through this and return to greatness very quickly of that I have no doubt. But it is not her and I. It is her and I, and my wife dating her soon to be ex-husband, and a boatload of resentment And triggers connected through me.

It's killing me not to be able to talk to her these past couple of days. My heart says that if I could talk to her we could work it out. But working it out looks a lot different for me than I know it does for her. She wants me to continue on the same and keep giving my deep love as I have always been and I am deeply hurting. As you say going on the roller coaster Build up and crash is what I have been experiencing trying to love her the way I always have. Part of me thinks I'm being foolish and that nothing has really changed and that it is all in my head. But isn't that true with any and all things that we perceive about life? That is the nature of the difficult time I am going through and it is real.

I feel so deeply knowing that she is suffering so much over there wherever she is out of communication with me. I want to hug her and hold her and let her know how much she is loved but that would only build the expectation that I can continue to give what I have been giving, and I cannot. Perhaps I can give something different but right now I feel like everything I give is pulling on me and very uncomfortable ways. Selfish? Yes! But if I die without my oxygen mask on then I won't be able to be here for anybody else much less myself in the future.

At least I have my spouse and I can talk to her and try to work these things through after being alone all weekend. Thank you guys so much, you have no idea how much of a lifeline your well thought and loving replies were for me today.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am glad you feel a bit better.

Please stop calling yourself selfish. There's another place on that continuum.

There is

selfish <----> self full <---> selfless

The tilted ends of the see-saw are selfish and selfless. Self full is the balanced place in the middle.

Selfish = me!me!me! Everything is about me! You are supposed to ignore meeting your needs and only meet my needs!

Selfless = others!others!others! Everything is about other people. I ignore meeting my own needs in order to attend to other people needs! (<--- I think you had been sucked toward this side of the see-saw. )

Self full = I meet my own needs first so I can be healthy and not spread too thin or burning out. Then I can gift others my help in meeting their reasonable and rational needs freely.

Please stop calling yourself names like "loser" and "selfish." Don't add to the stress load by becoming your own self bully. You have enough load as it is right now without creating bonus load on top.

Part of me thinks I'm being foolish and that nothing has really changed and that it is all in my head.

I don't think it is all in your head. LOTS has changed!

Last fall it was easier.

• You with your wife.
• You with your GF.
• The husband was out of the picture. Which ended several years of previous UGH were you would do things separately because there was too much emotional distress to manage doing things together. You got a break from the emotional distress.
• You got a period of calm and less drama. It was nice.

Now he's back in the picture.

• The previous emotional distress? It's back. (old stress that came back)
• He promised GF to work on marriage and went back on that promise in favor of courting you wife hot and heavy. (new current stress)
• Your wife and him are back together again. (new current stress)
• Him and your GF are moving on toward a divorce. (new current stress)
• Your GF's unrealistic expectations of you. (New current stress)
• There's a boatload of resentment and triggers connected through you. (sounds like a mix of old stress + new stress)
• Your GF plans to move 2 hours away. (pending future stress you know is coming)
• RESULT: You feel pulled in all directions and are getting burnt out and bone dry.

I feel so deeply knowing that she is suffering so much over there wherever she is out of communication with me. I want to hug her and hold her and let her know how much she is loved but that would only build the expectation that I can continue to give what I have been giving, and I cannot.

You could tell her you are sorry she's suffering. Let her know you love her a lot, and wish you could do more, but you simply don't have the energy or the heart right now. Right now you are hurting too, and need to take some time to heal.

It is better if each one attends to their own hurts first. Rather than trying to deal with own hurts AND tend to the other one at the same time and burn out as a result. You have BEEN burning out, so you need to stop that.

Perhaps I can give something different but right now I feel like everything I give is pulling on me and very uncomfortable ways. Selfish? Yes! But if I die without my oxygen mask on then I won't be able to be here for anybody else much less myself in the future.

That is correct. You have to attend to your own health and well being first. It is not being selfish. It is NECESSARY.

Galagirl

 

[breathemusic]

I'm sorry that you're hurting and going through so much. The big thing that popped out to me is that she's already said she's planning to move 2 hours away, and yet she wants the relationship to continue as normal. Even if there weren't all of these other problems, would you want to have a relationship where your partner lives that far away? To some people that's not a huge distance, but to me, that's a long enough drive that at best I'd see that person on weekends, and probably not even every weekend, so depending on how often you were seeing that partner before, it might not even be remotely possible to carry out the relationship at the same level as before. Now add to that the fact that the stress and emotional support needs, etc.

I'm merely pointing out that if you wouldn't want to date someone that far away even under good circumstances, then I think her choice to move might have brought about the end of the relationship anyway. So, that might be worth considering when you determine if you're willing to continue with things.

Either way, I think it makes sense to continue with your break so that you can take time to figure out what you want without someone else influencing your decision. Like the others have said, you have to take care of yourself first!

 

[WaffleBattleBlues]

When you're going through hell....

First of all, Bravo for taking a break. It's a difficult thing to be self-aware enough and wise enough to get your own needs taken care of first. As someone else on this forum said, you have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of someone else.

My experience is all in a mono relationship, but I have 20 years worth of it and some hard-won relationship skills that would apply anywhere. And in my humble opinion you are already doing the right thing and making the right decisions. I can tell from your narrative that you're paying attention and are seeing the possible problems while keeping your own needs involved. I think that's the best anyone can do.

Divorce can make people do very weird things. They are in pain and trying to do whatever they can to get out of pain. This very often ends up hurting those around them unnecessarily. Your partner could end your relationship just because having any contact, even indirectly is too painful. R could try to drive a wedge between you and J not because he's malicious, but because he's in pain and trying to hold onto anything that gives him relief. Either one of them could end up engaging in risky behavior (unprotected sex outside their relationships, drugs, alcohol, etcetera) just to feel something other than the pain.

Just keep paying attention, offering support where you can and keeping your needs and the needs of J in mind. Your partners are wounded and most likely will do stupid, thoughtless things, but understand it's only because they are in pain.

And if it all gets too ugly. If your life is too severely impacted, there really is nothing wrong with making the decision to end it. It hurts. It sucks. You will feel like an asshole for a long time. But it may be the absolute best for all involved. You just have to maintain that it's OK to take care of yourself first.

Good luck. I know you'll do the right thing.

"When you're going through hell, keep going."

 

[drinnt]

I am glad you feel a bit better.

Please stop calling yourself selfish. There's another place on that continuum.

There is

selfish <----> self full <---> selfless

The tilted ends of the see-saw are selfish and selfless. Self full is the balanced place in the middle.

Selfish = me!me!me! Everything is about me! You are supposed to ignore meeting your needs and only meet my needs!

Selfless = others!others!others! Everything is about other people. I ignore meeting my own needs in order to attend to other people needs! (<--- I think you had been sucked toward this side of the see-saw. )

Self full = I meet my own needs first so I can be healthy and not spread too thin or burning out. Then I can gift others my help in meeting their reasonable and rational needs freely.

Please stop calling yourself names like "loser" and "selfish." Don't add to the stress load by becoming your own self bully. You have enough load as it is right now without creating bonus load on top.

I don't think it is all in your head. LOTS has changed!
Galagirl

Galagirl I wish I could give you a big HUG right now. You are absolutely right and for whatever reason your responses are speaking to the heart of my situation and to ME. I'm reading you loud and clear.

I talked to my wife after my solo weekend last night. She pushed me a little where I needed it (as we do for each other from time to time) and things clunked into place for me with everything I pondered this weekend, wrote here, read here and talked with my wife about.

The thing that has been missing in the equation of my relationships is ME TIME. My wife and I have worked out great ME TIME schedules for our relationship...but when it comes to my girlfriend there has always been pressure to be with her when her husband is with my wife. I need room for ME TIME in that relationship too so when things pull on me toward the SELFLESS side of the see-saw I can right my ship and recover.

If I am going to continue this relationship I need more freedom to take a weekend or night off from the relationship for myself...a sanity break to recharge and recover. Up until now that hasn't been available - I know the hell it would cause if I told my girlfriend that even though her husband is with my wife this weekend I am choosing to be with ME and not her. I don't know how it will fly going forward either, but it's what I need. And I have the clarity now that if she doesn't want to continue the relationship - I accept that and will move on to find new happiness.

So much HAS changed and you nailed every last piece of the stresses pulling on me. In this environment I only have so much strength...and the strength that I cannot derive from the relationship because it is in distress for whatever reason I must derive from myself.

Yes it sucks to hurt and to know I've hurt others. But I've been "hurting slowly" for 4 months now. That ends now.

 

[drinnt]

I'm sorry that you're hurting and going through so much. The big thing that popped out to me is that she's already said she's planning to move 2 hours away, and yet she wants the relationship to continue as normal. Even if there weren't all of these other problems, would you want to have a relationship where your partner lives that far away? To some people that's not a huge distance, but to me, that's a long enough drive that at best I'd see that person on weekends, and probably not even every weekend, so depending on how often you were seeing that partner before, it might not even be remotely possible to carry out the relationship at the same level as before. Now add to that the fact that the stress and emotional support needs, etc.

I'm merely pointing out that if you wouldn't want to date someone that far away even under good circumstances, then I think her choice to move might have brought about the end of the relationship anyway. So, that might be worth considering when you determine if you're willing to continue with things.

Either way, I think it makes sense to continue with your break so that you can take time to figure out what you want without someone else influencing your decision. Like the others have said, you have to take care of yourself first!

Yes you highlight one of the major ways things ARE changing. My girlfriend sees this as nothing more than a logistical change. Instead of seeing each other 4 nights in a 14 day window we will drop back to 2 nights in a 14 day window...and I'm seeing the writing on the wall that it would atrophy at times to 2 nights every 21 days.

To me though it is so much more. The psychological component of her making such a major change...the loss of routine for me...the attitude that's driving the change. There is so much going on and even though her move may make her more happy - which would be nice to have a happy girlfriend - it comes after so much stressful change.

After managing stress for 4 years and having it come back around two-fold after her husband re-engaged with my wife...I ran out of energy for another "rebuild".

I get that people are doing what they need to do for their life, and that is affecting all sorts of change...well, I have to do what I need to do for me and that may also affect some change. We will either accept and support one another or we will not, and move on.

Either way I really needed to step back from the crisis mode I was in to figure out what I need to keep me going, if things are going to keep going.

She may view it as me stepping back...and I am. If things had continued on from where they were in September I would never have had these thoughts. But they did not. A lot changed...and now I have different needs.

 

[drinnt]

"When you're going through hell, keep going."

Thank you for your support. It's nice to hear another person who has a grounded perspective on relationships chime in. I appreciate your encouragement. I have felt alone through this but feel very much supported now and I'm even solidly supporting myself again. Not tentatively, but genuinely.

Last week I was gripped with the fear of loss. But when the pain of holding on becomes greater than the fear of letting go...that's when change happens. It's ironically a quote that my girlfriend used to describe what's happening in her marriage. And now it's quite a surprise to her that same thing is happening for me in OUR relationship.

Last week I wanted nothing more than to avoid hurting her, did not want to lose her from my life. But I already lost what I really wanted last fall. Now what is available looks different to me. Its not warm and soft and full of loving cushyness. It's hard and spikey with a warm, soft cushy center I have to work to get at.

I'm fully prepared to walk away if this is not a relationship that I can be in AND have my needs met. The need for time for self care when things get rough for me.

I get so wrapped up in my attachments that I completely lose the perspective I need to evaluate if "Steve needs time apart" or if "Steve is starting to feel pushed past his limit". That selfless side is where I lean toward. I can't do that.

So again, thank you for your support and I loved your quote. The only way through hell is to keep walking. Sure as shit I'm not going to stop and buy land there!!!!

 

[Tinwen]

I feel your hurt.

It's killing me not to be able to talk to her these past couple of days. My heart says that if I could talk to her we could work it out. But working it out looks a lot different for me than I know it does for her.

I think this is something you should tell her. You would like to work things out (it that is still what you want), but working things out here may be a process resulting into a very different outcome. You would have your own conditions - like her finding a therapist to talk about divorce, like keeping routines (and more nights a week) or like feeling free not to spend the night even though you are "wife free". (Agreements with your wife may need to change too... after all, schedules will be less sinchronized now.)

Last week I wanted nothing more than to avoid hurting her, did not want to lose her from my life. But I already lost what I really wanted last fall. Now what is available looks different to me. Its not warm and soft and full of loving cushyness. It's hard and spikey with a warm, soft cushy center I have to work to get at.

I see your willingness to break up, and I see it as a defensive reaction to accute duress, which is necessary, but it might also be an overreaction. It must be hard for you to judge now if you're only closing your heart because of accute stress, or if it is something you really want to do longterm (because of the change in distance etc.).
And who knows, maybe her moving away and reducing your time is a similar maneuver? After all you're a reminder for her of the divorce too.

I think you could express to her your need for warmth and effortless time. It's not like you're avoiding all the work of the relationship, you're just wanting some/most time of the relationship to be quiet. You're maybe also tired of being the one who needs to remind her to be present and warm, the one to work for her heart -- you want her to make more of the steps needed for comming close.
I think you can ask her for specific behavior - not talking about divorce stuff with you for a while (maybe just an expression of sadness without the details is acceptable, if it would disturb her presence otherwise?), scheduling downtime and easy activities (like visiting movies or going for a swimm, asking for nights propperly instead of expecting them, dressing up for a nice dinner and basically dating again). And maybe, just maybe, this can stabilize your relationship. I don't know. I'm just suggesting that an ending need not be unaviodable here.

 

[GalaGirl]

Glad it helps some.

If I am going to continue this relationship I need more freedom to take a weekend or night off from the relationship for myself...a sanity break to recharge and recover. Up until now that hasn't been available - I know the hell it would cause if I told my girlfriend that even though her husband is with my wife this weekend I am choosing to be with ME and not her. I don't know how it will fly going forward either, but it's what I need. And I have the clarity now that if she doesn't want to continue the relationship - I accept that and will move on to find new happiness.

You have that freedom. If you have been neglecting yourself? You haven't been exercising your freedom. That's been your choice.

Just because your wife has a date with her BF (which happens to be her husband) doesn't automatically mean that you are available to have a date with her. You could say "No, I'm busy that night. How about X night instead?"

Why would you needing time to do self care "cause hell" for you? It sounds like it would cause "ME time" for you. Which is what you want and "need."

If you choose to date a person who resents you taking time to do self care... why choose this?

Your GF seems to have some unrealistic expectations of you.

• She expects you to love her the same no matter what and unchangingly -- despite all the changes going on right now.
  
• Anytime her husband has a date with your wife, she automatically expects a date with you.

Where did she get these expectations? Why does she take you for granted so?

Galagirl

 

[drinnt]

Well...my immediate fate is set before me.

I see your willingness to break up, and I see it as a defensive reaction to accute duress, which is necessary, but it might also be an overreaction.

I think you could express to her your need for warmth and effortless time. It's not like you're avoiding all the work of the relationship, you're just wanting some/most time of the relationship to be quiet.
I think you can ask her for specific behavior -

Glad it helps some.
You haven't been exercising your freedom. That's been your choice.

Just because your wife has a date with her BF (which happens to be her husband) doesn't automatically mean that you are available to have a date with her. Why would you needing time to do self care "cause hell" for you?
If you choose to date a person who resents you taking time to do self care... why choose this?

Your GF seems to have some unrealistic expectations of you.

• She expects you to love her the same no matter what and unchangingly -- despite all the changes going on right now.
  
• Anytime her husband has a date with your wife, she automatically expects a date with you.

Where did she get these expectations? Why does she take you for granted so?

Galagirl

These expectations came from the routines we created over 4 years. My GF takes any changes to these personally ESPECIALLY if it results in me choosing to do something else while her husband is with my wife. Its residual resentment and jealousy attached through our entanglement. She had a tendency to see my wife as "always winning"...when I tend to see it as trying to manage my relationships. But my love for her often won out over my love for myself, I guess I got more out of her appreciation until the shit hit the fan last fall and the relationship was changing so much I had all that added stress.

So thanks to your guidance and the intense introspection, and conversations with my wife I was able to re-engage my GF yesterday and again today.

I told her that I didn't want to lose her from my life, that I love her very much and want to continue what we have only I may need to take some time for myself now and again.

She expressed concern that I would be cancelling dates and I assured her that I would commit to never schedule something I could not follow through with and my heart would be in it. That I would only commit to what I could handle.

She said it hurts to think I "could not handle being with her" and I explained its NOT her, it's the situation that stresses me out and I need to step back and take a breather. That when she is settled in her new life it would get easier.

She explained that I damaged her trust during my crisis cancellation last weekend and she never knew if she would hear from me again. That damaged trust along with the feeling that she will never know when I'm going to need a break and a sadness that it had to come out of HER time with me was too much for her.

I again assured her that I don't want to lose her from my life...that everything I feel for her is here for us to have unless I have hurt her too much and she cannot get past it...which I accept and would not argue, but I don't want to lose her from my life. That there are options.

She wanted to know the options, which were as I saw them;

• Continue as we have been and I keep hitting the wall which is painful for both of us. Not really an option.
• Continue as we have been and enjoy all we have but know that I may need to step back once in a while to catch my breath due to the stress from all these changes. This got the most discussion as we talked about what it would look like and things I could do to assuage her fears in a loving way for us to both get what we needed from this option but in the end it was not appealing to her. Specifically the feeling she could not shake that I was trying to escape her.
• Put all we have aside for now and I can simply focus on being her friend to support her through the divorce, then pick up where we left off later when she is settled in her new life and it's clear what the environment of our new relationship will look like. She won't accept this because, understandably, she cannot shelve her feelings for me and being a "loving friend" is a trigger because as her marriage deteriorated that is what her husband offered after 40 years and it was a huge slap in the face.
• Go our separate ways and reconnect after a few months to see how things are going. She did not like the idea of "waiting around" to see what would happen after a few months and did not trust in me that it would make a difference. I get it...so another option out.
• Go our separate ways and maybe we'll see each other on the other side some day. Spoiler alert, this won.
• Break up with no interest of ever reconnecting. Neither of us really liked the sound of that even though she did elude several times to this just being the way it is. I think she was being compassionate to me by calling it the above option but as of today anyway I doubt she can imaging being in a relationship with me again due to her trust in my love being shattered.

We talked for two hours. Lots of emotion and honesty. Bare honesty. I told her that it's hard for me coming from our heaven last September, the height of our relationship built on a foundation of what was our routine and stable situation only to have that foundation drastically shifted by a rekindling of her hatred for my wife, resentment towards her husband and his relationship with my wife, the stress of divorce, the torrents of negativity around the littlest of things that only months ago were of no consequence to our relationship and then of course her move to CT and all new unknowns. That all this was too much for me AND to be the support I've always been. THAT IS THE TRUTH of my struggle and I can keep going if only I take time for me when I feel overwhelmed NOT BY HER but by the SITUATION AND ENVIRONMENT of our relationship as it changes.

Her trust and belief in how she saw me and saw my love for her was shattered. She wanted me the way she knew me before I entered crisis mode. There was no room for us to continue any more AND for me to take time for myself if things got too much. The destroyed trust she experienced and the hurt of my needing to take time from her was too much of a personal loss for her and her view of us.

Alas we have parted ways. I spend 45 minutes grasping at straws, us both trying to reason out a way to make one of those options work. She couldn't do it any more. We parted ways with a vague reference that who knows and maybe see you on the other side...but mostly "go take care of you and I will go take care of me."

So there it is.

I definitely felt a deep and profoundly sad relief. Not for her being gone, I DON'T WANT HER GONE...but for the struggle to be over. We seemed to be locked in a never ending and heartbreaking loop of directions that we could not figure out. Each of us hoping and not wanting to give up but neither of us able to give the other what they wanted/needed. On the one hand it's my "choice" to not be able to handle this any more - and it's her "choice" to not be able to handle the impact this all had on us and the options under which we could continue.

Thus ends my first and most extreme experience with a polyamorous relationship.

I'm thankful I took care of my marriage these last four years. My wife and I love and appreciate one another and support one another very much. But...I think I'll date myself for a while.

 

[Tinwen]

I'm sorry you had to break up, but glad the situation resolved.

She explained that I damaged her trust during my crisis cancellation last weekend and she never knew if she would hear from me again.

There is a skill to be learned to prevent these situation, which is anticipating and communicating breaking points sooner. I know this was your first situation of this kind so you probably couldn't have done it, but there's a lot to be said to being aware of getting overwhelmed as soon as it starts. I think you already realize that you need to get rest etc., I just wanted to point out that the communicating part is super important too - just a "this might become too much for me" helps prevent damage in trust and promotes understanding instead.

I'm thankful I took care of my marriage these last four years. My wife and I love and appreciate one another and support one another very much. But...I think I'll date myself for a while.

An almost happy ending. Good luck

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry to hear about the break up but glad things are resolved and you feel relief. I am glad you started speaking your truth.

I told her that it's hard for me coming from our heaven last September, the height of our relationship built on a foundation of what was our routine and stable situation only to have that foundation drastically shifted by a rekindling of her hatred for my wife, resentment towards her husband and his relationship with my wife, the stress of divorce, the torrents of negativity around the littlest of things that only months ago were of no consequence to our relationship and then of course her move to CT and all new unknowns.

Sounds like she has been acting out in various ways.

Her trust and belief in how she saw me and saw my love for her was shattered. She wanted me the way she knew me before I entered crisis mode.

She acts out. Which wears herself out and wears you out.

But then she wants you to prop her up and restore her when you are run down too? Not a realistic want/expectation. You cannot be Superman. Who restores you?

There was no room for us to continue any more AND for me to take time for myself if things got too much.

Nope. Sounds like she always wants to come first.

The destroyed trust she experienced and the hurt of my needing to take time from her was too much of a personal loss for her and her view of us.

You cannot have a mind of your own or feelings of your own or needs of your own? You exist only to serve? That's not balanced sounding.

This is not about trust. You haven't done anything untrustworthy. This is about her not having realistic expectations.

Sigh. I'm sorry you had to deal in this. Again, I'm sorry about the break up, but I am glad you feel relief. It really does sound like the best thing to do so you can be free of all this drama and recuperate.

Maybe when she's not in the thick of a divorce she will come to be more reasonable and see how skewed she'd gotten.

Galagirl

 

[drinnt]

I'm sorry you had to break up, but glad the situation resolved.


There is a skill to be learned to prevent these situation, which is anticipating and communicating breaking points sooner....just a "this might become too much for me" helps prevent damage in trust and promotes understanding instead.

An almost happy ending. Good luck

THANK you, Tinwen. I'm glad its resolved too and the sad spots are beginning to fill with all the things I have ahead of me to create with friends, family and MYSELF for a while.

To be fair - the last four months I did keep her abreast of my struggle. 6 months ago when her marriage "flared up" I did convey to her that "I hope it doesn't come to a divorce because I don't think I could handle going through that." She did say on Monday, "I guess you did warn me..." but it was not genuine, it was trite and snarky as if she discounted the truth of it when I told her many months ago.

Now that I have said that, I COMPLETELY agree with you that I learned a profound and costly lesson about my needs and how to better communicate them. You are dead on.

I am sorry to hear about the break up but glad things are resolved and you feel relief. I am glad you started speaking your truth.

Sounds like she has been acting out in various ways. She acts out. Which wears herself out and wears you out.

Sounds like she always wants to come first.

This is not about trust. You haven't done anything untrustworthy. This is about her not having realistic expectations.

Maybe when she's not in the thick of a divorce she will come to be more reasonable and see how skewed she'd gotten.

Galagirl

In so many ways yes. It's like you were a fly on the wall...or I did a very good job explaining it. But yes...she did a LOT of acting out about the trauma of her situation all while soaking up the joy of ours. I realize integrity was a not invited to participate in our relationship...integrity declined and sent hypocrisy instead. I realized that, and it's probably my biggest mistake from day one. I just figured as long as I manage my marriage - she can do what she wants with hers....but it's never REALLY sat well with me. Truth be told I got a huge payoff from being her support...until I crumbled from the weight of it being too much.

But digressing - yes. Stepping back now I feel that there was a strong self-prioritizing component in play for her. I couldn't complain because it was under the guise of what she was losing in her marriage. She said a lot that all she wanted was to come FIRST with her husband and it just got to the point where I subtly felt the undertones that if I put my needs ahead of hers in any way that triggered abandonment, she knew it was wrong to feel bad about it, but it was a trigger and it did eat at her. That left me in a place to be very careful about what I asked for - hemming me in from really feeling free enough to consider asking for WHAT I REALLY NEEDED. Shit got twisted, no doubt.

When I collapsed it was the trigger that set off the end of us.

I realize the error of my ways in this, and more will reveal in time. I truly do hope she too unwinds and sees her component to all of this because I love her and if she does it means she will have worked through all her suffering.

Another part of me thinks that some people unconsciously don't feel like they deserve support without earning it through struggle.

Lots of love to you all!

Steve