Fresh Ink and Broken Horns

TattooedUnicorn

New member
I kept meaning to get one of these going but every time I remembered to do it...it was in a bad place and...well, quite frankly, I don't want to focus on just the bad. Even if, lately, that's been that status quo I figured it was time to get this going while things are...ok.


Suppose I should really start all of this from the beginning even if it is just regurgitation from my frantic and emotionally charged introduction post. As someone who favors order I think chronological bullets will be most helpful. Obviously this is not 100% complete as I have to use the way back machine. The listed events are just the largest ones to have occurred.

-August 2013: Mr. Uni and I met on on the ship(we were both active duty sailors). So much NRE, dates in Italy, total dream. Uh...was also sort of engaged at the time so...yeah my bad on that. Ended up breaking up with the finacee while on deployment. Yikes and double yikes.

(Things are going well during this in-between period. Even sex was happening but quickly lessening and starting to stress out Mr. Uni.)

-July 2014: I broached an open relationship. Seeing it work so well for others I thought it would work well for us. Still in throes of happiness my sexuality was...eh...kind of still there but, apparently, not enough for Mr. Uni(who at the time didn't realize he was Pansexual but had an inkling) and it caused strife for...well...quite a while.

(This is the quite a while. Lots of ups and downs.)

-September 2015: Mr. Uni had since left the Navy and was working on a degree for Exercise Science to eventually become a Physical Therapist. The open relationship topic had come up (as well as the lack of sex) and it was agreed that we would for sure open up while I was on deployment.

-During deployment(while I know the dates of the deployment it is kind of like groundhogs day and it all just sort of blurs together): Things are ok. I have no inkling to do anything with anyone on the ship. Mr. Uni sees a couple of people. One of them turned into a nutso stalker who tried to demand he run away with her to Colorado(I found this out this year, yikes) and one posted WAAAAAY too much on social media. Enough that, despite shitty internet in the middle of the ocean, I saw some and had to make a phone call home. Things were settled and they parted amicably later on for other reasons. (Side note: perhaps it is something that I need to work on but I don't like the social media posting very much. We are still closeted with open/poly and seeing some girl post about and to him a lot would make family super sus.) He also began seeing another chick, we'll call her Mermaid, who continues to be part of our lives today(despite us having moved away)

-July 2016: I find out I am being relocated to Spain for my next set of orders for 3 years. Deployment is fine to be apart but 3 years was too long. First the ultimatum of "you come with or we are over" came to pass. When it was agreed we didn't want things to end we had to get hitched(Military rules.)

-10 December 2016: We got married! Yay! Mother fuckin model-lookin-ass mother fuckers.

(Great deal of potential moving stress here. At the 8th hour it turned out Mr. Uni did not medically qualify due to mental health issues. My orders were changed and we stayed in Norfolk.)

-April2017: I worked night shift in the armory. Things are going alright with the open relationship with Mermaid. There are ups and downs but nothing too catastrophic. Mr. Uni is still upset and suffering confidence issues because I just don't want to have sex any more. It feels like a chore to me. I don't think he is ugly, quite the opposite, but I'd rather just look if I am honest. Sex feels more satisfying in my head than in person. Also: we begin sleeping in separate rooms. With my vampiric schedule it is easier this way for us. We also learn that....holy shit, having one's own space is fucking amazing.

-July2017: MASSIVE FUCKING REVELATIONS. I'm Asexual. Holy shit balls batman. So many things are explained suddenly and our relationship just soars. He understand that it's not that I find him grotesque or don't love him, I just don't like sex. The open relationship goes harder and while there are still bumps with learning proper communication, some rules, and boundaries. I even get to the point that I am ready to meet Mermaid. She is fun, I like her but the relationship is still a little scary but manageable.

-November2017: Not related but my beloved cat of 16 years passed away. It still hurts sometimes. I miss her.

(In this time I am given a new position at my command and will be on a normal schedule again. Yay!)

-06April2018: We become home owners! Luckily we still have our rental so we can paint the house and get it all ready to move in.

-Late April 2018: Disaster. I find out Mr. Uni and Mermaid had sex in our new house that we hadn't even moved in to yet. I lose my fucking shit. Loads of screaming and crying. While I am not sure what exactly got settled a new, and forever standing, rule was made: no sex with other people in a house we bought that we haven't even settled in to yet. As to my feelings on that....I didn't even have a chance for it to feel like our house before it felt....used I suppose? Tainted? Not a healthy way to look at it perhaps but....maybe it's a possessive issue. Though a house is, in fact, a possession and possibly it's ok to feel possessive over a possession. Whatever it is the rule stands.
 

TattooedUnicorn

New member
(It takes a while but I embraced Mermaid back into my life and things truck along well enough barring the usual marital issues(for the love of God put the toilet seat DOWN! lol))


-Fall 2018: Mr. Uni decided to wait until I went to bed one night to creep out and do a scene with Mermaid. I was not quite asleep yet and, after waking up fully, got up having heard doors closing. Of course saw his car was gone. I texted him and got no response. Waited a bit and tried again. Still no response. Waited and called, went to voice mail. This went on for a while, with me not knowing they were in the middle of a scene. Eventually I sent a text to tell him not to bother coming home as I was locking up the house in full. He called back pretty quick after that (likely due to the scene having wrapped up and not to suddenly caring to answer the damn phone.) Of course a row was had when he got back. I did not appreciate it appearing that he was trying to 'sneak around' and begged that we maintain fully open lines of communication.

(Things go smoothly again for a time. We got a dog, we were pretty happy. Though we did have a terrible habit of...not doing much with one another. We didn't make dates or quality time a priority which would come back to haunt us. We lapsed into that "easy coasting" mentality.)

-April2020: I decided to get out of the Navy. My dad agreed to letting us live with him(cats and dog included, though I still stand by he wanted Hermes there the most.) Of course there is a lot of arguing because we are both hugely stressed with the change. But the house got sold(in 3 days, during a MFing pandemic) and we moved out.

-Summer2020: Things are ok. Moving was rough and settling in was just as tough. For me it was easy: it was my dad after all and I knew the quirks in the household...Mr. Uni did not. I'll take a moment to mention that Mr. Uni does not handle...criticism well....even something like "could you please not leave dishes in the sink" or "please put the toilet seat down." It is taken as a personal affront and we have had many arguments about stuff like this(like all couples I imagine lol.) During this time he also sought out another....companion since we were not 600 miles away from Mermaid.

-Fall2020: Mr. Uni found Pixie and they started hanging out. Things are going pretty well. I am balls deep into being a good student(historically I was a terrible student and needed to fix that shit) and so studied a lot. (Side note: it paid off. Straight A student. Fuck yeah!)

-16December2020: Absolute nuclear disaster. Up until now I had believed we were in an ENM/Open relationship. Much to my shock...we were Poly. I suddenly had to contend, not just 'sharing' Mr. Uni physically but also grappling with the idea that he loved someone else(I mean me too but...I didn't imagine that L word would be used for another.) We argued, cried, and talked long in to the night. I found out because he was asking for an overnight trip with Pixie. I was shocked and didn't entirely care for the idea which led to an argument which is how it all got revealed. We had been Poly for 4 years without me even understanding it. Somehow, despite a lot of talks, it was never made obvious to me. As I have said before, here and to him, I don't think he lied to me. I think we just had a terrible string of miscommunication. I agree to mull it over and delve into what this all actually meant. I asked they slow down to give me time to catch up. Though, apparently, it was far too late for that...I have to admit here that one rule I laid down is, perhaps, childish and mean. I don't want them to appear like a couple in public. No hand holding, no kissing, no hanging on. While, logically, I know that's not fair but...it is where I am right now since they are deep into their feels for one another. I need time to accept this concept and the thought of them being a couple make my stomach churn to the point of nauseous pain and my heart feel like it's going to fall out of my ass.

(Over the course of the holidays our relationship is tenuous. There are a lot more talks, more arguing, more tears. I am struggling to come to grips with this while Mr.Uni is in full NRE mode. Pixie is apparently some magical, fucking, goddess brought to earth. She knows all and can do absolutely no wrong ever. Things are....not proceeding well.)

-31December2020: For the 3rd year in a row Mr.Uni doesn't want to stay up until midnight. He has been going to the local metropark to witness sunrise over the lake. So I spend NYE with my dad, pop a bottle, and drink it by myself.
 

TattooedUnicorn

New member
-01Jan2021: Mr.Uni is awake before me to go to the park. I get up, have my first coffee of the new year(special coffee of course because it is the first.) I get a text telling me (TELLING, not asking) he was going to Pixie's to see the dogs she is dog sitting. At first I shrugged it off, annoyed at being 'told' and not asked but...I try not to get into semantics battles. Though it dawned on me later that she got to see him first for the New Year. It stung a little and I resolved to bring it up when he got home. Which I did....and, since it has been a while, I don't remember how the conversation went but I did ask if he kissed her. He said yes. Utter pain! I sobbed almost as hard as when my beloved cat died. It is, likely, my fault. I put a lot of emphasis on "first of the year" things and...perhaps, over 8 years, I never made that clear. After some more arguing we both eventually calmed down(right or wrong his default to me being upset is to get angry right back) and established a new rule. NO HOLIDAY RELATED ACTIVITIES WITH THE OTHER PEOPLE. Childish perhaps but, for the time being, it needs to be a catch all. Thus far I can't trust that the decision making process will be sound. It is also agreed upon that random meetups over the week are off the table until further notice. Given that issues have cropped up with the random meetups it is, perhaps, safer to avoid them for a little. (This will be important later.)


-Early Jan2021: Things are going........ok. I am trying hard to understand all of this. Reading articles, stalking this website for nuggets, and it's slowly working. I still don't grasp why he NEEDS to love someone else. I just don't understand the poly thing and I am trying to. Pixie is regulated to a corner of my mind in benign neglect. I acknowledge she exists but that's as far as it goes.

-Also early JAN21: I have a bit of a break through. I realize that it actually would be quite nice to have things that you really love to share with someone who also loves them. Mr.Uni loves art in a way I can't because...eh...it's art. Pixie also loves it so yay. I realized how fun it might be to go to Disney World with someone who wants to revert to 10 years old with me and run about like a fucking lunatic.

-Roughly 10Jan2021: Pixie wants to add another to her...group. I guess? She already has a primary and Mr. Uni...and she wants to add another. This hurts Mr. Uni and his upset over this affects us. He is moody and short with me. After some prying I finally get him to tell me what the fuck his problem is. Holy shit everything pours out and, for the first time, we both see eye to eye. I point out how he feels, and he has every right to acknowledge those feelings without guilt, then imagine how I must have been feeling. We commiserate over the feeling and it seems like things are understood even if rocky still.

-Late January2021: Pixie's relationship with her Primary are failing. Mr. Uni feels he needs to swoop to the rescue all the time. I want to understand but, meanwhile, feel like my own hurt is ignored and neglected. Several toe-crushing instances occur. One sticking point that can't be left alone is vacationing up north. First of all: I am still not ok with overnights at all, let alone trips. Second: the up north is quite special and I want to show Mr. Uni first but...it's unfair because apparently up north is also special to Pixie. So, once again, it seems that her wants/needs are pressed for while mine lay forgotten(I continue hoping that NRE is the culprit.) We can't seem to have much peace any more. Things grow worse and worse.

-28JAN2021: Despite the topic being a hot button overnights is broached again. Pixie and husband are separating because it has fixed their relationship before. Mr. Uni asks if he can spend the night with Pixie to help soothe her. Of course this leads to fights. As usual he needs have to be met before my worries are soothed. Our relationship declines but more and more demands are made despite nothing getting better. I relent out of pure frustration. I am sick of it and maybe they'll finally give me the space and time I beg for if I relent on this thing. Though the actual words were along the tune of "fuck it! Fine! Fucking go! Just so you guys will finally shut up about it." Not the nicest way, I am aware, but I was hurt and just so, so tired.

-29JAN21: Turns out, in no way a surprise, Pixie's husband doesn't like the idea of Mr. Uni spending the night. Big fucking shock. I wouldn't want my metamour spending the god damn night in MY mother fucking house while I am there and in a place where I am getting reading to leave. I relax a little, slightly glad that I don't have the overnight hanging over my head.

-31JAN21: SURPRISE!!!! Pixie's hubby is leaving today and Mr.Uni's presence is needed. Biiiig fucking shock. So after being able to unclench a little the asshole puckers right back up. I had already agreed to it so it would be unfair to say no this time. Even more reluctant than before I relent with the stipulation that I don't want to hear a motherfucking thing about overnights and hand holding for a month. It should come as no surprise that the evening and night was rough.
 

TattooedUnicorn

New member
-01FEB21: Lots of talk had to happen. I cried the whole way driving to school but Japanese class has a habit of helping. With the need to focus it takes my mind off of things and I love the linguistic adventure. I am glad that Mr.Uni was able to help a 'friend' in need even if it hurt me. Why I feel I should be a martyr I have no idea. Still, his happiness is, in fact, very important to me. Yet talks have to happen to has out feelings and nothing really changes. I


-02FEB21: We have a small adventure to grab some weed as it is now legal in our state. He tells me his dream is to get his own piece of property and his own tinyish home on it so he can be alone. Of course this hurts. It sounds like he is ready to leave me and is fantasizing about a life without the ol' ball and chain. More tears and arguing ensue.

-03FEB21: In the morning things seemed....alright. Mr. Uni went for his usual sunrise at the park and I have class pretty much from 0800-1040 then must leave for school for Japanese class at 1320. Mr. Uni is gone the whole morning. I head to class and give him a call. Turns out...he has a date with Pixie, trying a new vegan restaurant downtown. Emotions still sore from Sunday(31JAN21) I am set off. We had agreed on no more random, middle of the week meet ups. To top it off we are right back to the 'sneaking around' aspect. It is not viewed like that...but what else am I to glean that he is just...gone with zero notice? It is easier to just go do things rather than risk upsetting me, right? I am gutted and feel totally betrayed. Nothing I want to feel safe and secure is ever adhered to. I cry the whole way to class and, this time, not even Japanese can soothe me. I apologize to my Sensei, turn in my homework, briefly and tearfully explain that "I think my marriage is ending" as I request to skip class. He is understanding and kind, wishes me the best and lets me go. I texted Mr. Uni to tell him and we will meet in a parking lot to have more talks. As usual I feel like I am the bad person who just can't get on board with everything at the pace everyone wants. Bear in mind that I have been aware of "poly" for about a month and a half. I want it to be over. I want time to heal and to work on my relationship with Mr. Uni but I also realize that is asking too much and, likely, wouldn't work. Rather than work on us there'd be little more than sheer resentment. We talk for 3 hours and come to a place of calm but hardly resolution. There was a point that we discussed he spend a couple of days with Pixie(since she was still in the throes of being sad because her husband left) but limit the visits to a couple hours. At first that was happily agreed to but, very quickly, it wasn't good enough. They couldn't possibly go to fun things with so limited a time frame. So, once more, I gave some ground and agreed to Sunday as 'their' day and ONE day during the week where they could spend a COUPLE hours.

Later that night he is stressed between his own school work and the issues in our relationship. A stressed Mr. Uni is an angry one. He breaks several pens, a school book, and punches the shit out of a shoe box. I try desperately to calm him but I am also feeling pain. I offer to just give him company while he works and set to, finally reading, Opening Up. I have to be honest....for us it seems...the book is too little to late. Reading it made me furious and just realize that this is not, at all, what I wanted to happen. ENM is fine....Poly Amory is not. Everything culminates to wants of his own place and my want of this poly thing to end. I can't take it. I am so tired of it all. I am ready to drop an ultimatum: Poly goes or he goes. We manage to come back from the ledge but just barely. We discuss setting aside saturday as our specific date day from now on to help work on us. I realize his has been a failure on our part for a long time. We let things just coast and when Pixie came in the boat started taking on water. Our hull wasn't strong to begin with and the storm had come.
 

TattooedUnicorn

New member
-04FEB21: We make plans for our first official date day. First it was for a local brewery but, since it was close to a museum, I suggested we hit up the museum as well. It was enthusiastically agreed to. Things were looking up at last. Finally, a day set aside for me. It was something that should have been done so much sooner. As I was feeling neglected and forgotten I should have demanded he set aside a day for me as well. A day we BOTH planned to have set aside for us. It would be hard with school work needing to be done but we can manage. On a small note the topic of the Super Bowl came up. Mr.Uni and I have watched the Super Bowl together for the last 5 of them. I had kind of forgotten it was coming up on Sunday. He didn't realize that it was a thing we even did. When the topic was broached if he could cut his time with Pixie short so we could do this annual thing it was met with annoyance. I can see that it's, perhaps, unfair of me to cut their time short....at the same time I feel I have eased back some things for the sake of peace, a gesture of goodwill, but when I deign to ask for it the request is denied. At first anyways, Mr. Uni said he would bring it up...but we both knew it would be met with hissing fury.


-05FEB21: Our usual Friday. Sensei was kind enough to let me perform the dialogue from Wednesday(03FEB21) and I did well. Things were feeling alright. We went to my Mom's as we do every friday for family game night over facetime with my uncle and his wife. Things were actually decently smooth.

-06FEB21: On top of date day Hermes, our dog, has a vet appointment at 0930. The vet is almost an hour away(crazy I know but she is a long time family friend and VERY WELL trusted vet) so I had since said I wanted to be PULLING OUT OF THE DRIVEWAY at 0815. Mr. Uni went for sunrise, as usual, and was...well...late. Mr. Uni has trouble with keeping time and is a cause of frustration. I need to be better about setting times 15 minutes earlier for him so we actually leave when we need to. Of course that leads to more arguing. Then it comes out that he doesn't want to go to the museum because, apparently, he and Pixie had talked about going and....yeah, turns out it is a touchy subject. So now we can't go to the museum. An issue that could have been solved two days earlier. Of course even more fighting ensues. We reach a point where we decided to skip going downtown and go to the zoo instead.

The zoo was...decent but contentious. We can't stop trying to hash things out. Perhaps I can't stop it because I struggle to let things go...I don't like to leave things just brew and fester. It turns out Pixie has found yet another person to add to her growing group which is still a little hard on Mr. Uni...and, despite all, it makes me furious when he is hurt. I have severe 'mama bear' syndrome (creepy I know cause he is my husband but I don't know what else to call it) and instantly got my hackles raised that this was happening, AGAIN, only a couple weeks later. We still can't come to an understanding even as he leave and drive to grab beers and dinner. More and more arguing happens. A lot is spoken but it seems little is really said in the long run. Nothing substantial or useful. At one point in the drive back home with our beer and dinner in hand I ask what boxes does Pixie check that I don't. Mr. Uni tells me there is a lot they can talk about and him feel fully understood. He has a moment, bordering on tears, and I go to ask for him to elaborate. I am met with fist slamming and fury so...my immediate response is to raise my voice with a "WHAT THE FUCK!" For the first time in a while we resort to a screaming match. He thinks I didn't care what he was feeling and wanted to change the subject. (As an aside we both have bad habits of wanting to jump into conversations and often have tiffs of "stop interrupting me" so that's something we both do, in fact, need to work on.) Really and truly I just wanted more of an explanation but it was assumed I just wanted to move on. You reap what you sow right?

After that we manage to calm and carry on. Then it was my turn to feel the heat. The exact words escape me but it rode along the lines of "I feel attractive when someone wants to have sex with me." Which triggered my own insecurites about being Asexual. For once I managed to keep my tears down to continue listening to him. We got home and hit an actual point of agreement for a change. What it was exactly I hardly even remembered. I know we both agreed on all the terms laid out previously and the things that needed work. We had fun tasting beer at home, things were good. We had agreed to watch Bohemian Rhapsody with my dad but Mr. Uni dipped out (another point of contention since he has a habit of dipping out on things like that with my family...but he was still feeling stressed and worried so it's given a pass.) Well, it turns out, he pulled out Opening Up and started reading it.
 

TattooedUnicorn

New member
After the movie I go upstairs to say goodnight and am met with a shocked and elated Mr. Uni. He read the chapter about NRE and, finally, realized he was still cause in it's icy hot grips. All the issues with us, and his with Pixie's desire for more partners, was all wrapped in in that still raging NRE. He apologizes for all his behaviors profusely. I have to admit that I was never eloquent or kind when pointing out he was still gripped by it. Often stating things like "oh yeah, miss fucking perfect princess's feelings/needs/desires/thoughts/what-the-fuck-ever trump everything and I should go fuck myself." Ok...not the best way to respond to things...I am working on it. I have a bad habit of just going on the offensive. We go to bed, cuddle a while, and life seems good.


-07FEB21(Today): The day started off alright. Mr. Uni took a little time out to help me practice my Japanese dialogue for class tomorrow. Despite his terrible pronunciations(lol it is a hard language and even with my super modified Romanji it's still not easy but I absolutely love it and loved teaching him a little bit) it helped and, more importantly, I loved his enthusiasm for help. He left to go on his day with Pixie. I got to work on school work that had been neglected with everything happening. As the day progressed my stomach twisted more and more, my heart beat harder. I smoked a bit of weed to alleviate it and, while it at least calmed the physical symptoms, the thoughts couldn't be gone. I am still so sore and raw from everything that this date day was hard to take. I wanted to spend more time with him while we were in a better spot finally. It really, really ate at me. To add to the pain this would be the first year we didn't watch the Super Bowl together. In an effort to help myself I finally started this post(I began it at about 1500 and it is now 2333...of course there was a couple hour break for the Super Bowl) but dredging up everything was making it worse. Damn me for my determination to finally see this through even though it made things worse and worse.

The Super Bowl came on and it hurt to start watching it while he was off with Pixie. He texted me to tell me he had been thinking about me a lot today and wanted to check in. Maybe I fucked up? I was honest with him. I told him it made me smile that he was thinking about me. At the same time, being so raw from such a shitty week, that their date day was harder than ever. Worse, even the thought of them fucking hurt now(historically I never gave a shit about him fucking anyone, I was always alright with that) but because of the comments about me being Ace and unable to give him the satisfaction of showing my attraction to him physically, that pain suddenly surfaced. Another spot that I am just not good enough in. Also mentioned that I was still kinda sad we weren't watching the Super Bowl. He came back to tell me he was also feeling raw and looking forward to our Valentine's Day date next Sunday(yes, his date day with Pixie was cancelled because V-Day is a holiday and there are stated rules about that one...plus, supposedly, Pixie isn't a V-Day person...) and he was also sad about the Super Bowl.

Maybe my response to that wasn't fair? I don't know. My immediate reaction was the usual demon of neglect. Nothing was mentioned about how I was feeling. The closest as the agreement about feeling raw. Nothing about how the date day felt harder this time or my feelings about the sex thing. Totally ignored. So I told him I can't do this over text. (Direct quotes from text inbound.) "So...I don't think I can talk about this over text. 1. Despite what anyone might think I don't want to ruin your day. 2. I don't want my thoughts to be misinterpreted with tone deaf black and white. 3. Clearly the reasons I mentioned are too complex to unpack over text." In hindsight I was texting out of some hurt....and could have worded things better. He called anyways to discuss. I explained why I was upset, now including that he ignored the previously stated reasons. It was spoken of again(though I don't think I mentioned it before) that I wished they could take a break so we could work on us. I feel like we need some real repair and the constant crashing waves of another relationship isn't helping. It was met with(again not mentioned previously) another offer of seeking counseling. As always I am reluctant for reasons I'll get into in a moment. I finally agreed with the stipulation that I'm not raising a finger to help find a counselor(i would pay half but he would set it up, make the initial payment, and I would pay him back.) That quip stems from a long standing gripe that I have to plan and managed everything in our lives.
 

TattooedUnicorn

New member
I texted him shortly after to apologize. I realize that I wasn't being fair and that I was sorry for getting upset. Also that I bathed Hermes today and he is sooooo softums and smells good. Nothing. After a while I realized how much lighter and calm I felt after hours of anxiety. Just laying out my issues seemed to help even if he didn't rush home to watch the game and cuddle me. All I wanted was for him to know that I am struggling. Still nothing. I sent a final text at 2118 to say I wish he would at least see these and know that I am sorry. The texts were finally read at 2150 and....that's it. It is now Midnight on the nose. For all the times he rushes to respond to Pixie it would be nice to be extended that courtesy.


So the reasons I am reluctant on seeing a counselor. For starters I kind of feel like we wouldn't even need one if he could have just stuck to ENM(just open rather than Poly) rather than let himself fall in love with someone else. That our issues all stem from having to love someone else(I wish English was a better language because that sounds like 'instead of me' which I know he loves me but....he's had a weird way of showing it, especially lately) and if that weren't there we wouldn't have this issues. Yes, Pixie is the target of my fury and frustration. I am struggling with all of this but all the care seems directed her way. I am just an inconvenient mess. For another thing I...well...often feel attacked by a lot of Poly-positive articles. Like...not being poly is the worst ever and I am a shitty person for having these issues with it. That I should jut get over it and let Mr. Uni and Pixie frolic off to happy land while I curl up in my office to cry alone. So I feel like if we seek a pro-alternative life style therapist that it will just be that all over again but with mouth words rather than letters. I often feel like my feelings are discounted already and I just don't want to hear it any more.

We have struggled and the struggle had gotten worse. I saw how happy he was in Fall2020 when he first met Pixie and I want to see that again. At the same time....I am so tired. I am tired of being discounted and ignored. I am tired of being demanded to do things (like make a list of places that are sacred to me or that I want to take Mr. Uni first to see his excitement for those places. We have a list of restaurants I want to go with him first and several places that are permanent no-go zones, like the zoo, that are especially sacred. Funny enough Pixie has similar places but...god-for-fucking-bid I have them on my list while she is free to have them on her list with her own husband) and be told that they aren't right and I am wrong for having them. I am tired of being the one who has to press for change while they merrily go along and grow their relationship with whatever speed they want. I am tired of hurting. I'm tired of crying. Mr/ Uni has pressed for me to get my own side piece so I can 'feel' what it is like to have this. I just...I don't have the time, finances, or energy for another person. I want to fix what I have before seeking anything else, if I ever even want to. I'm not even sure that offer in genuine or if it's just so he doesn't have to feel guilty anymore.

I had hoped this could end on a happy note. Something with hope for the future. That this would work out. That Pixie and I might eventually be friendly if not actually friends. Truth be told she sounds like she might be an alright chick. But right now...she is the physical manifestation of all my pain, fear, and anger. I can only see her as the enemy, as the wedge that drives Mr. Uni and I apart. Maybe I am not cut out for this Poly thing at all. Perhaps my relationship is breathing its death rattle but I am just desperately and furiously trying to perform CPR. One more day. One more week. One more month. That's all I need to keep us alive. But maybe it's already too late and I am trying to breath life into a corpse.

Perhaps tomorrow will be better. It is all I can hope for right now.

Comments, thoughts, and advice are very much welcome. As it stands my support network is 0.

Also...wow...didn't even realize how long this had gotten. Lots to get out to get this journal going.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
....I am just an inconvenient mess. .... I often feel like my feelings are discounted ....I am tired of hurting. I'm tired of crying.
Since you asked for feedback, I'll offer this:

I'm willing bet that this is not the fist time you've felt this way. Yes, polyamory can pose issues that monogamy will not, but poly can't make anything appear out of thin air. Whether you're into poly or not, this situation is shining a light for you on this aspect of the situation, this aspect that hits you in a tender spot (what the kids call being triggered.) The situation may or may not be what you ultimately want, but the trigger is yours - and very likely you have felt this same trigger before. Trying to manage all of the chess pieces so that you don't get triggered is a move that brings only temporary relief. Digging deeper into the trigger point is what brings lasting change and healing for yourself. The beneficial way to look at triggers is that they happen for us not to us. You'll feel a lot better when you focus less on what all is happening to you and focus more on what all this is showing you. Focusing on what you cannot control (other people) is what hurts. Focusing on what you can control (yourself) is what feels like healing.
 

TattooedUnicorn

New member
The beneficial way to look at triggers is that they happen for us not to us. You'll feel a lot better when you focus less on what all is happening to you and focus more on what all this is showing you. Focusing on what you cannot control (other people) is what hurts. Focusing on what you can control (yourself) is what feels like healing.

Holy...wow....I am at a loss for sufficient words. I am stunned at how deeply that hit and, after some digging and another rocky talk, I do realize that...I've been too focused on trying to control what is happening between Mr. Uni and Pixie. Obviously it's worked out about as well as more seasoned folk would expect.

While our talk didn't end super happy, and early because he had to jump to a math test, I decided to swallow the fear and release some control. Rather than relegate their time together to a single day it can be any day, multiple days, on a trial basis for the rest of February. See how things go and do assessment at the end of the month. Even as I type this though...perhaps I am still trying to hold on to that control too much. I asked that it not be an ALL day, EVERY day event and that he at least let me know when he is going and a reasonable estimate of return. Also no overnights still but....maybe I should release that too. I can't say it won't sting but...hey, at least I can let the cats sleep in the bed with me.

Wow again just...wow thank you Angelina.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
I'm glad Angelina/Karen helped you. Good polyamory can't work unless all parties are reasonably self-aware. Good communication skills are also key. A good therapist could help you and Mr Uni to learn about active listening, as well as just to get to know your own selves and what you want and need in relationships.

I get that it hurts to realize that Mr Uni actually loves his sex partners. Some people are OK with their partners having sex with others, as long as "no feelings" happen. (Others are OK with feelings, but not sex!)

It's only human to develop feelings for a person you see and have sex with often. (It's hormonal!) Swingers do things to prevent deep feelings happening. Swinging is "couple-centric." Polyamory is done as individuals. The understanding is that love grows and expands. Loving one person does not negate still loving your current partner(s).

Time however, is limited. It is important for Mr Uni to nurture both of his relationships. He is still new to poly, and so are you. Neither of you are comfortable with the ramifications. I'm sure the Opening Up book covers the need for a Poly hinge (Mr Uni) in a V to take the responsibility to nourish both of their relationships. Therefore, both of his partners need him to spend adequate time making sure they feel respected, loved, cared for, satisfied and reassured. You've been attempting to lay down "rules" for Mr Uni. It's normal to negotiate time. You just need to hear him out, about what his desires are, and then he spends time hearing what your needs and desires are. You don't need to compete with Pixie: "She gets X, so I get X too!" You just say what you need, so it's not outright tit for tat.

It's good you understand you and he were "coasting" and taking each other for granted. This is extremely common in mono relationships, and can actually kill a mono relationship over time. Poly forces us to make special dates with our nesting partner as well as with our other partner.

Does Mr Uni feel uncomfortable living with your dad? Does he have less privacy and time for himself now? Does that motivate him to want to get out of the house and spend time with Pixie?

One more note: when having tough talks, and you get emotionally flooded, it's actually better to take a break and calm down. Hard talks are best when they only last one hour. It's not good to talk and talk into the night, getting more and more upset, confused, impatient, tired and hungry. Then you both start acting out, hitting things, breaking things, using sarcasm, screaming, etc. This is counter-productive.
 

TattooedUnicorn

New member
A good therapist could help you and Mr Uni to learn about active listening, as well as just to get to know your own selves and what you want and need in relationships.
Since this wall of words took several hours to compose my railing against a therapist came early in the night. Later in the night I finally agreed so we are trying to find one that takes our insurance(Mr.Uni is currently seeing one and he is going to ask her if she has any professional recommendations of people in our network.)

You don't need to compete with Pixie: "She gets X, so I get X too!" You just say what you need, so it's not outright tit for tat.
Yeah I have been like that a little too much. Far too much really. Obviously it stems from insecurity in our relationship and some lingering insecurities of my own I thought I had gotten over.

Does Mr Uni feel uncomfortable living with your dad? Does he have less privacy and time for himself now? Does that motivate him to want to get out of the house and spend time with Pixie?
He is uncomfortable in that my dad is...a little particular about some things and he has no bones about telling us how he wants things done. They are things Mr.Uni finds stupid(like my dad puts shopping bags in the kitchen trash so we take the filled up shopping bag to the garage trash every couple of days to lessen the food stink in the kitchen) and...while I agree some are silly(though some are things that, household wise, I've been warring with Mr.Uni over for years like cleaning the stove after use. The usual, silly, household arguments of couples lol) I can only say that it is Dad's house and we should do our best to do things his way.

As for privacy I am...not entirely sure. For context the house is a decent size. It's a split tri-level. My dad(66 retired and not in great health) spends his day in the downstairs living room. I have an office just off of that living room. Mr. Uni has a room upstairs, on the third level, to do his school work or whatever he needs to do. He has said that he feel stifled in the house...and perhaps that is something we need to discuss. I suppose it is hard for me to grasp feeling the lack of privacy when one has their own room(and it's not even our shared bedroom) to escape to. Though I would imagine that, if he is feeling like that, that it would cause his need to run away.
One more note: when having tough talks, and you get emotionally flooded, it's actually better to take a break and calm down. Hard talks are best when they only last one hour. It's not good to talk and talk into the night, getting more and more upset, confused, impatient, tired and hungry. Then you both start acting out, hitting things, breaking things, using sarcasm, screaming, etc. This is counter-productive.
A very fair point and I should probably learn to give us breaks. I'm very much a...need to solve the issue now kind of person, but I can definitely see the merit of taking a time-out.

Thank you for the encouragement and advice. Books are a wonderful resource but it is especially helpful to hear from seasoned poly people. The bit of acknowledgement that I'm not just a shit-headed nut job really helps too lol. That there is just a lot of time, learning, and growth to be had still.
 

TattooedUnicorn

New member
I wanted to make a habit of posting things here when they are good too and not just when I am being a melodramatic mess. Today went reasonably well actually. Yesterday wasn't the best because everything was so raw from a pretty hellish week. I'm doing pretty well with the given advice. Still a little knotted stomach with angry bats, especially since Mr. Uni jumped on the chance to have a sleep over tomorrow night. I took a small offer/advice from Mr. Uni and have been giving the ol' Tinder/OKCupid a whirl. I've stated a lot that I kind of feel like...poly, for me at the moment, means just giving up a lot. He says I see it that way because I'm not trying it too. The trouble is...I also kind of don't want to? I equated going through the apps like going grocery shopping after Thanksgiving Dinner. I'm already really full and don't feel like I need anything else right now. So here I am, thumbing through the 'meat market' with idle disregard. Like the apps are just fidget spinners with faces. I would be remiss if I didn't disclose that I think he wants me to do this so he feels less guilty since he has often stated that he often feels guilty about being poly. I should allllsooooo mention the worst aspect of it. Part of me wants him to see what it feels like from my side of the fence. I once asked him the benefits of each relationship and, for my half, it sums up to 'home' and 'safe harbor.' So that is a demon I know I need to battle and if I am really on those apps with that kinda spirit...I need to delete them immediately. I am a work in progress, I'm sorry.

The interesting part of today is now it seems I have spent most of the day trying to soothe Mr. Uni.

You see dear reader/internet void...Mr. Uni has a great deal of his own mental and emotional issues. His self esteem is about as strong as tissue brand tissue and he has since placed a great deal of the soothing/mitigation of his self esteem issues into his relationship with Pixie. So he has what is apparently called "anxious attachment." So he is incredibly anxious about his relationship with her, especially since she is once again pulling another person into her life. It cause a great deal of issues with Mr. Uni the first time and their relationship almost ended. Pixie is also very recently seperated from her husband. I get the suspicion that Mr. Uni believed that he could be her 'white knight' in the throes of her troubles with her own hubby. He might think that he isn't enough to help her since she is seeking a 4th person to bring into her fold which is hurtful to him. I believe he also fears her thinking this new person better and she might end things with him in favor of the new shiny. (That feels reeeeeeeal fuckin familiar.)

I get that Pixie is poly and Mr. Uni says he is trying to cope since, obviously, he knows that too. He is also fretting because he believes poly is part of his identity and if he can't handle it then...well it's kind of leading to an identity crisis. I am sorry to say this but...it really only adds to my....general anger towards Pixie. At first I viewed her with benign neglect(this was before learning that we were poly rather than open.) Mr. Uni was happy so I was happy. Then her want to bring another person into her life kind of shattered him. Being a mama bear(I'm actually shit at defending myself but teeth and claws come out when defending those I love) personality I leaped in snarling and heaving at someone who dared threaten the happiness and emotions of my love....and that defensiveness has only fueled my....ah..."dislike" of Pixie.

I shared what Angelina/Karen said with Mr. Uni and it might take him longer to come around given his already existing self image issues. (On a side note my selfesteem is usually pretty fine...I'm the baddest, coolest, bitch ever. Believe it! Sometimes it takes a hit since I wasn't always like this but I just remind myself that I'm a mother fuckin boss queen, straighten my crown, and carry the fuck on. Two days ago Angelina and Mags had to help me straight my crown a little bit. So, again, thanks you guys!) So while he struggles I guess I wonder...do I have a right to be angry with Pixie? After the issues before it seems....I guess unfair that she is trying to add another? Maybe I am projecting or something but I kind of get the sense that Mr. Uni is, right now, just the convenient shoulder to cry on? Or maybe she will feel less damaged from her tumultuous marriage if she adds more to her fold? I can't speak for her...and this was a lot of questions lol. I want to help Mr. Uni feel better but, unfortunately, I think most of this battle has to be fought internally.

TL;DR- I'm doing good actually with only tiny pinchies. Mr. Uni is in the throws of anxious attachment because Pixie wants to add a 4th member to her polycule(unsure of term use) and this is causing extreme anxiety with Mr. Uni. So while I am trying to help and soothe him I also kind of am furious with her that she is doing this to him again. Especially so soon after the first time....but I also get that it's just kind of how poly rolls? (There's a fair few...less pleasant things to say but I'm trying to stay PC here...I've written them in my private journal.)

Advice and commentary are always welcome. I hope, one day, I can be one of the ones to give pleasant and helpful thoughts to those in need.
 

TattooedUnicorn

New member
Well things have still been a little rocky but it's getting better. After some more arguing, debating, tears, and heartfelt talks a lot more has been released. Mr. Uni and Pixie pretty much have free reign to do as they please now. The only two things left are up north and the renfaire...but the agreement stands that I get to take him to both of those things first. Subsequently every year for the faire Mr. Uni and I go first then he and Pixie can go. I'm still not....totally happy in this place. I've relented and let go but the anxiety is still there and I feel like I am a long way from feeling compersion. On a bright side the anxious and sick feeling has put me off my appetite and I've lost ten pounds. Yay?

Uhm....on a side note....I dipped my toes into trying this out myself and....I guess I have a date Sunday. It was kinda sudden and shocking and I feel...weird. Anxious again but not the anxious I remember from first dates? Not the super butterflies or anything...just regular anxiety. Is this normal? I should be excited right? I feel....scared I think but I don't know why. This guy....uhm....Wizard I guess we shall call him....knows about my being Ace and knows the poly situation...but I don't know his thoughts on it since our chatting on Discord has just been fairly superficial so far (nerding out about travel, games, conventions, etc...) so perhaps that's the scary part? Or scared of this potential change too? I don't know...ugh! Feelings are hard!
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
I'd recommend you try to be less invested in what Pixie and Mr Uni are doing, in general. If you don't feel compersion, that's fine. You might be less anxious if you just try to set all their drama and/or intimacy aside, and focus on what you want from Mr Uni, yourself, in your own personal dyad. I know that can be hard when you're newly poly. It's called "disentagling." Especially if you both suffer from a good deal of anxiety, you might tend towards codependency. And you say Mr Uni has an "anxious attachment" style. Do you, as well? Has this been diagnosed by a licensed professional, of either of yours? Have therapies been recommended and tried?

Dating isn't easy, and it can seem weird to set up a date from an app. But it sounds like you have "nerd" hobbies with Wizard, so maybe just think of your date as a fun get together with a friend who shares some interests. Try not to invest too many expectations in it. Take it slow and just see what happens.

This article is short and imperfect, but it does have some good ideas about disentanglement.

 

TattooedUnicorn

New member
It is certainly hard and I'm guessing one of the larger hurdles to overcome? Obviously we...messed up pretty hard missing the disentanglement step. I...must be honest....I am not sure how to distance myself from the drama with Pixie(though I understand trying not to be invested in every little thing they do together.) Mr. Uni often comes to me with his issues and....well sometimes I have to go to him because I hear him slamming doors and punching boxes upstairs. Mr.Uni has some...anger issues he is also dealing with. Just to be clear he is never violent with any people or animals....just breaks shit in the throes of anger/despair...thank goodness it's not been anything expensive. He does have a therapist that he now sees every Tuesday but I don't think he has discussed the attachment style with her. Sort of a....self diagnosis from reading Poly-secure. Based on the book mine leans more to disassociative...I just happen to have anxiety issues which have only gotten worse with the move, school, fielding questions about Mr. Uni's behavior from my dad.

On a positive note the date went quite well. Awkward at first but...luckily I'm slightly brilliant and elected to go to the zoo. The critters provided plenty of opportunity to chat and break some ice. Also the zoo is free for me and one guest since I'm a member, it's covid friendly, aaaaaaand on the off chance Wizard happened to be a serial killer masquerading as an adorable nerd it's public so perfectly safe.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
You could tell him that you don't want to hear about his problems with Pixie, even when he comes to you with them. It's not your job to be his relationship therapist. He can discuss that with his actual therapist.

As for how to deal with a man who has anger issues and is going around throwing and breaking things... that goes beyond the scope of poly into his "mental illness" issues that you mentioned earlier.

Generally, people who are struggling deeply with mental illness do not make the best partners. Having one relationship is hard enough.

Let me try to bullet list some of the problems I see.

- His sexual needs were going unmet when you realized you were asexual.
- He's trying to get his rocks off with someone else, and that relationship has deepened, but it's not going well.
- You 2 married just because of certain rules around military deployment, but you couldn't move anyway, because he was too mentally ill.
- He's seeing a therapist, but it's not helping yet.
- You two moved in with your dad for some reason, and your (mentally ill) husband doesn't seem that happy to be living there.
- Even though you're asexual, you feel sexually possessive of him.
- Because of this, he tends to sneak around sometimes.
 
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