Friends and lovers

[fuchka]

Local flirtations

What the hell, while we're at it

Lobe
Has already been discussed at length in previous posts.
We're not flirting.
But I've fallen hard.
Treading water

Ink
Chick I met off OkCupid. It's her birthday today! And birthday party tomorrow. I need to finish making her present. I have no idea about the physical/sexual aspect of how we're relating (it's been non-existent) but I think we're "just friends"? Hehe. I really like her, and am content to hang out.

Ah.

And then, a total muddle of heaps of other people - haha! Ones I have not yet named. A couple of intriguing stories which I may write about later.

This is where any meaningful distinction between friends and lovers breaks down, for me...

Of the people I really like to hang out with, there are some who for whatever reason I am not sexually attracted to. Then there are others who I sometimes am hot for. Then others who I am almost always hot for.

This doesn't necessarily correlate to how deep/intimate my relationships with these people are.

I've been happy to see how relaxed a lot of folks on this forum are about having sex with friends, as just another shared activity among others. I feel the same way too.

I don't see the point of a blog here chronicling all the people I've slept with.

Nor does it make sense as a chronicle of all the people I love or am friends with.

What the fuck am I writing about?! Haha.

Life is great. If you're reading, have a kiss from me Yes, I'm crazy but the people know me well assure me that it's a beautiful kind of crazy.

 

[fuchka]

Holy hell.

Grotto loves me so much.

We just chatted online, and he told me he's okay if I see where things go with Lobe.

What he needs:
- reassurance
- for me to move back soon and
- me to take care of him.

All these I can do.

...

I asked how long he's thought this way (some time) and whether he was sure (yes) and whether he felt pressure from me (no). He said this was coming from a place of love, because he could tell there were feelings involved.

He said he wanted a continued restriction on having casual sex with his friends, but this was an exception.

This is a huge deal.

... I have no idea how this is going to turn out...

... whether Lobe will even be interested...

I hung out with him all night last night. We were conscious of the boundary required and we did not fuck up. Maybe some slight slippage but we caught ourselves and behaved.

Lobe cares about Grotto very much. He likes him and doesn't want to hurt him.

Man.

Not sure how to take the news. Relieved! Petrified! Wish Grotto was in bed with me right now, just want to hold him and sleep.

Ocean's here in a couple of days. He and Lobe get along well together, and three of us were planning to catch up anyway.

Happy families? Haha. Haaaaar.

!!

Djuna stood me up again this morning for Skype date. Again as in, she's often been unable to make dates. Although I am concerned about letting her know, when I'm going to be late, she usually just doesn't do this. And apologises afterwards. I'm getting a bit sick of it, cos I feel I do make an effort.

Maybe I should mirror the amount of effort she puts in, more.

Maybe it's time to scale back expectations. As in, have none?

 

[JaneQSmythe]

Holy hell.

Grotto loves me so much.

We just chatted online, and he told me he's okay if I see where things go with Lobe.

What he needs:
- reassurance
- for me to move back soon and
- me to take care of him.

All these I can do.

...

I asked how long he's thought this way (some time) and whether he was sure (yes) and whether he felt pressure from me (no). He said this was coming from a place of love, because he could tell there were feelings involved.

He said he wanted a continued restriction on having casual sex with his friends, but this was an exception.

This is a huge deal.

... I have no idea how this is going to turn out...

... whether Lobe will even be interested...

I hung out with him all night last night. We were conscious of the boundary required and we did not fuck up. Maybe some slight slippage but we caught ourselves and behaved.

Lobe cares about Grotto very much. He likes him and doesn't want to hurt him.

Man.

I can empathize with where you are right now. I messed up with Dude before we got things sorted out. Which led to a 3 mos period of Dude being cut out of our lives completely (which was necessary at the time but hard on all three of us - because we all DO care about each other). (You can read the whole sordid tale in my Journey blog here.)

There were several stages to us getting things right. First was Dude and MrS reconciling. Then 3 months of taking it slow and doing things "right". But when MrS got to the point of being comfortable with me and Dude exploring things...Wow. My husband loves me THIS much...God.

Go slow. Deep breaths. Be gentle with yourself and each other. And Good Luck.

JaneQ

 

[fuchka]

Hey JaneQ! Yes I had followed your story and did notice a similar genesis of things in my case Thanks for the message. I have no doubt that having read your journey in the past helped me to understand and make peace with the complexities of this. Reading the blogs on here has really helped me judge my own behaviour in the unfamiliar and uncommon situations that sometimes come up when you're non-monogaomous! Probably thanks a lot to this forum, my resolve to not put pressure on Grotto, to shift his boundary, was solid.

I spent last night with Lobe... It was gentle, exploratory, healing. Also fucking hot when things flared up. He's been craving touch - said he's been isolated for a while, having moved to the city about a year ago and not having made many friends here. It's hard, starting from zero.

Anyway, all this I had felt from him. The yearning... Was like gravity to me. In a way, I've also been needing touch (since moving here) but my desire for him was more specific to who he is, how his mind works, how having his input enables my thoughts and actions to go further in a good way.

There have been quite a few times I've felt like saying "I love you" to Lobe. It's a phrase that flows freely from my lips. But this time, I want to hold back. I want to wait until it means something more specific, in this particular relationship (if at all). Not sure what, just... I dunno. I want to have more patience here. Watch my own story unfold.

Not to be fatalistic, but simply to have a lighter touch. Enjoy the sunshine that warms me through no more effort of mine than: me choosing to remain in its beams, and experience.

Just chatted with Grotto on Skype. He's quite hungover but doing okay otherwise. Checked in with him about things with Lobe. All good... Fuck, we're really doing this. This is really okay. As we were hanging up the call, Grotto asked me to tell him to be strong.

Me: "Why?"

Him: "Because I really want to read your blog."

The last time he did this made me flip out a bit. At that point, I considered whether I'd be okay with him reading this... and I decided I really needed this space, for myself.

I told him I wasn't sure if I'd be okay with him reading. He said he understood, that it was okay, and he wanted me to have the space if I needed it.

On the other hand, since he brought it up, I think it's a good idea to consider this again. I've thought about it before, from time to time, so no harm revisiting. In a way it would be nice to share this with him. But I wouldn't want to hold back on writing about darker moods, and some of those feelings would be relating to him, maybe triggering, or hitting him in tender places. We'd need to figure how to manage this.

One idea could be that he doesn't generally follow this blog, but he can read it at certain points in time.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

Hey JaneQ! Yes I had followed your story and did notice a similar genesis of things in my case Thanks for the message. I have no doubt that having read your journey in the past helped me to understand and make peace with the complexities of this.

You are very welcome and I am pleased to no end if anything I wrote was helpful. (The act of writing it was beneficial to me, if it helps any other person through their journey - Whee!)

As we were hanging up the call, Grotto asked me to tell him to be strong.

Me: "Why?"

Him: "Because I really want to read your blog."

The last time he did this made me flip out a bit. At that point, I considered whether I'd be okay with him reading this... and I decided I really needed this space, for myself.

I told him I wasn't sure if I'd be okay with him reading. He said he understood, that it was okay, and he wanted me to have the space if I needed it.

On the other hand, since he brought it up, I think it's a good idea to consider this again. I've thought about it before, from time to time, so no harm revisiting. In a way it would be nice to share this with him. But I wouldn't want to hold back on writing about darker moods, and some of those feelings would be relating to him, maybe triggering, or hitting him in tender places. We'd need to figure how to manage this.

One idea could be that he doesn't generally follow this blog, but he can read it at certain points in time.

I think understand how you feel about negotiating with your partners on how much they should be be invited to share in your blogging here (which is, after all, a public space).

I posted the following on BP's blog (link to post). (The post is directed toward someone else who commented on her blog - sorry for the disconnect.)

...As for her blog being a "safe" place to discuss what comes up in her relationships and not wanting him to get upset with what he reads here. The benefit of a blog journal is, in my opinion, the benefits of journaling combined with feedback from others who may have insight into our situations by having been through similar experiences. If she feels she has to filter her posts so that he doesn't get upset then some of that benefit is lost. She hasn't said that he can't read her blog but that it should be recognized for what it is.

When I decided to open an account here and start blogging about my journey I asked my boys what they thought and whether they foresaw being active participants in the forums (neither are really forum-poster types) because I would utilize the forums differently (at least initially) if they were going to be reading everything I posted over my shoulder. I use writing to "work through" my feelings - so an individual post may reflect my immediate reaction and thoughts at the moment but not reflect my final, mature response after processing. MrS immediately "got" what I was asking - he said that if I needed to use the forums as a form of "group therapy" and didn't want him reading my blog so that I would be free to express myself "in the moment" then he wouldn't read them** (reminding me, at the same time, that this is a public place so be careful about identifying info). Dude was of the opinion that the posts I wouldn't want him to read were the very one's that he "needed" to see - I told him that if we "needed" to talk about something after I processed it then we would (I don't hold back when I am upset - I just need a day to frame my response and create an "outline" for what I want to communicate). I have shown/read to him many of my posts here (turns out that I can't have him reading my "posts-in-progress" word document but by the time I have finished them for posting I don't really mind.)
...

JaneQ

**...and he wouldn't, ever, unless I specifically asked him to. Even if he was mad or suspicious or divorcing me. MrS is fundamentally the most ethically straightforward person I have ever met. If he tells me this forum is "my space" it becomes a black hole to him, completely off limits, not even a temptation. Not because I "made" him but because he made that decision himself, for reasons that he found valid and would not rescind that because that would counter what HE considers ethical behavior.

Now, I did write this over a year ago when my relationship with Dude was just over a year old. I have mellowed a bit in my reactions since then. MrS still has no drive whatsoever to read my forum posts - if there is something interesting that I want to share with him I read posts (mine and others) to him - which he is fine with, as part of a conversation.

Dude is much more reassured that I will share relevant posts with him (as I have been doing consistently) - so he feels no need to read my posts unless I am here (to elaborate if needed). I'm still not comfortable with him (or anyone) reading over my shoulder while I am in the midst of the "compositions process."

******

There have been quite a few times I've felt like saying "I love you" to Lobe. It's a phrase that flows freely from my lips. But this time, I want to hold back. I want to wait until it means something more specific, in this particular relationship (if at all). Not sure what, just... I dunno. I want to have more patience here.

This is NOT a phrase that falls from my lips easily (I have written about this elsewhere)...so frame my comment with that in mind. I think that, in this case, your waiting and patience makes a lot of sense. You are starting from a very tender place (amongst the three of you - you, Grotto, Lobe) and I think that when you choose to say this (if you do), it would be wise to consider WHAT exactly that would mean/imply for the others involved.

Watch my own story unfold.

I am ... with baited breath!

JaneQ

 

[fuchka]

Hey JaneQ - thanks for your further thoughts. I have some specific concerns re: sharing this blog, which I intend to tease out at some point.

Busy week so far. Ocean's been here, and it's been lovely to show him around the city. This is my life right now.

We had a funny comment about monogamy, triggered by some comments my brother made to the effect that he "couldn't believe that Ocean would really want this, ideally. Surely he would prefer to have you to himself."

Ocean said to me - "how can I put this in a nice way. I'd rather not have you around all the time."

Hilarious. Ocean followed up with (totally unnecessary) clarifications about wanting to live with me, loving spending time with me etc etc, awww. It's okay baby, I get it.

A somewhat connected sentiment this morning:

I'm usually much perkier than Ocean when I wake up, and I'm one of those first-thing-in-the-morning Talkers that Snoozy Morning People seem to be infuriated by. (I try to curb, but it's hard.)

This morning, I woke up with a blah-blah-blah.

Ocean: So you're awake, are you?
me: Yup. Don't you miss me when I'm not around?
Ocean: Yes, I do. Now can you... remind me how it feels like to miss you? [waves me out of bed]

Last night, Ocean and I went out drinking with Lobe. Two-way conversations seemed to flow better. Ocean and Lobe had some intense dialogue that I was interested in, but had no in to. It wasn't a problem, I was happy to chill out. But it was odd, to feel a bit third-wheel-ish

Yesterday afternoon at work had a bit of a fuck up that stressed me out for several hours afterwards. My manager asked if I had a minute to chat. Then she sounded me off about the possibility of me staying on until the end of the year (contract currently ends mid October). Grotto and I had recently decided that I would not take an extension if it was offered (however previously the possible extension floated to me was an extra six months.)

I was a bit put on the spot by this comment, and thought the end of the year is not as much to ask of me. I said that I would consider it if they asked me, and it may work for me.

Grotto was thrown by this, cos he'd stopped stressing about the distance aspect of our relationship.

I felt awful... wanting to help out with work, wanting to stay on for a few reasons, but mostly wanting to go back to the city where most of my folks are.

In the end, I sent a text to my manager in the evening retracting my "tentative yes" to her proposal. I know I didn't owe it to her or strictly need to, but I needed to, to get closure on it and stop my frettin.

Conflicting desires, eh! But you gotta do what you gotta do.

 

[fuchka]

Negotiated an end date at work. 3 October. After that, I can let them know if and when I'm available for further project work. Wow... I feel really good about this. Coming "home".

I've started calling this city "home". I'm not particularly attached to the place (in fact, I prefer the city I'm working in), but it's where my people are. My family base.

Being unemployed again will be a bit scary, but together we can pull through financially (and hopefully I will not be unemployed for long.) Grotto's offered to help out with our (Ocean's and my) rent if need be.

Lobe said he'll miss me. I said I'll visit. I'm getting teased a bit for having relationships in different places... Let's see how this goes

 

[fuchka]

Started writing this morning, but trailed off

Strange to feel lonely, when I'm not alone in the house. Maybe a come-down from last night - shisha with friends. I love sharing smoke that way. The fat, fruity bubble of double apple.

Meant to spend the day with Grotto today but I'm feeling weird. Want time to myself, perhaps.

Grotto says he's happy to do whatever I want to do. I think I want to go back to my place and hang out there.

I'm feeling nervous...

Now I'm in a completely different mood. Had a wonderful day with Grotto. He asked me what I wanted to do, and we pretty much did that. I wasn't dictating as such; I don't think we did anything that he didn't want to as well. But still, was nice to say what I felt like. To be a bit looked after.

Back again on the overnight train tomorrow. Usually I go straight to work from the train (it gets in around 7am), but this time I'm planning a detour via Lobe's place, for, er... a cuddle, and a shower... etc. Heh. Hope I don't get too late for work. We have flexible working hours but I have a lot to get done these days. Sex is exercise though. Breakfast of champions

 

[FullofLove1052]

I hope you enjoy(ed) your time with Lobe.

Kudos on working out an agreement as far as your last day of work and giving them notice well in advance. Good luck on the job search, if you have not already started!

Ry

 

[fuchka]

Hey Fulloflove - thanks! Job search is a bit depressing actually... there are exactly zero vacancies in my field, in the city I'm moving back to, but heaps of jobs here. I can see how I could grow here, in the career I want. Can't see that so clearly in the other place. I'm trying not to think about it too hard.

Anyway! Making the most of where I am, while I'm here

The other day, I ending up going to work first and seeing Lobe afterwards. Wise decision in the end... Seriously, what was I thinking? Haha.

Things with him are great. We're not talking about any serious stuff re: future direction. Keepin it chilled. I feel like this could work out in so many different ways... a brief fling to kickstart an ongoing friendship, or possibly some crazy integration of this relationship into our close famiy ?!? I brought this up with Grotto, cos we've started dreaming about a big sharehouse. Could Lobe live with us? Yeah, apparently. That would be okay.

Still no clue as to what Lobe would feel about that. We're both simply enjoying getting to know each other. Last night we did cryptic crosswords. This weekend we're gonna go indoor rock climbing, maybe mess about with electronics. The sex: is. great. Nuff said.

In other news, Ocean and Menrva broke up a couple of days ago. It was a long time coming... this was only his second experience dating someone (the first was me) and relating to her was harder than he expected. Many lessons learned. One tricky aspect will be their continuing work relationship... Not only do Ocean, Menrva and her husband Bert all work together in the same department, but also Ocean and Bert are job-sharing. Luckily they do not share an office (Menrva and Bert are in one office, and Ocean is in another down the hall). That could have been very awkward. Things will still be pretty awkward as it is. Hmm. Can't be helped, I guess.

Ocean's doing okay, and it sounds like Menrva mostly is too. Wish I was there, though... Breaking up is never fun.

 

[fuchka]

Test

I'm writing this out partly because it's something I was considering posting anyway, but also as a test for whether it will work to let Grotto read my blog.

A horrible, dark aspect of the Grotto/Lobe clusterfuck. Something I hated to see grow inside me, and that I did not dare look at too closely. A small, feral animal that I was too afraid to feed.

Grotto's boundary, not wanting me to have a certain connection with Lobe, combined with my heady desire to explore, my actual fucking attraction to Lobe... and I found myself slipping into Comparing. Clamber out, fast!, before the dirt walls crumble...

Grotto and I have been together for over four years. Lobe and I have only gotten to know each other these past few months. Quite possibly a certifiable case of Extreme NRE. Adjust adjust for Forbidden Fruit.

What was I left with?

A part of me that couldn't help turning this over with a pitchfork. Who would I seriously want to be with, if I had to choose?

Sometimes I was frightened to realise that I didn't know.

Every relationship is different. I hate the idea of comparing one to the other. What's better: a sunflower or a blueberry?

This should be a no-brainer. My relationship with Grotto should obviously be my priority. I was genuinely trying to keep distance from Lobe, to let things heal between Grotto and me, but I couldn't seem to escape the magnetism. My subconscious continuously undermined the best intentions of my rational mind.

I knew it would never work to break up with Grotto to be with Lobe. Their friendship would hands-down trump a decision like that.

For some reason, though, I got thinking about parting ways with them both. Taking time out, recalibrating myself. I guess I'm more of a "flight" than "fight" person. But still, what the fuck?!

I feel ashamed that I had these thoughts. Deeply disloyal. A fickle bitch.

On the other hand, those were the collateral emotions of whatever shit was happening here. Emotions I wished I didn't have, emotions I did Not want to buy into. Emotions that I was trying to avoid having...

Lobe said at one point that he didn't want to fuck up the good relationship Grotto and I had.

I said - don't worry, Grotto and I are solid. We're good. We somehow-or-other sort our stuff out.

And yes, this is true.

On the other hand, the scenario itself was a crack in the armour. I could feel a chilling breeze... Jesus...

The best way forward, that I could think of, was to convert my behaviour into a dedication to Grotto... Respecting his boundary as a powerful sign of love. Yes, it may be hard but I needed to do this.

(One thing that helped, was my hope... ah, a flicker... that this might be okay some day. Me touching Lobe. BUT I had to temper that. I really did not want to pressure Grotto. Is it possible to have hope but not to expect? I needed to. I really needed to pull that off.)

Home alone, listening to "Stand by your Man" on repeat.

By chance, one day, Lobe started singing it. Maaaaan...

That was some crazy mood weather.

I haven't told Grotto about this part of how I felt. It was a tiny fracture, way down the hole. Put into words, I can imagine this would HURT.

But, it's also one of the Real Things I was feeling.

Something I was thinking about writing on this blog... but in the end, didn't need to because Miraculously! Lovingly! his boundary shifted.

Guess it's water under the bridge now, but oh so polluted. I wonder if he could ever read something like this without feeling pain... whether I could bear to let him read this.

Then again, he wants to see inside my shameful basement, my smoke-filled attic, that cupboard in the laundry with the rusted hinge.

 

[fuchka]

Had some solid "me time" this weekend. Made tracks on some creative projects, did a bunch of writing including letter writing... All really positive stuff.

Heading out in a wee bit to catch up with Lobe to go indoor rock climbing.

Six more weeks of living in this city. I'm watching the sunset over the backyard and I want it to take me down with it for a while, to just hold me a bit. Gonna miss you, chum

 

[fuchka]

Lobe post-sex this morning: "I care about you a lot. It would not be incorrect to say 'I love you'."

...

 

[fuchka]

Change

Grotto's work's getting him down at the moment. His company was taken over by another company awhile ago and the worst of the cultural change is just filtering though now... Sucks to hear him so sad. He's fucking good at his job, but can't stand bullshit. And some of what's happening is just pointless micromanagement. He's violently allergic to that stuff, and his whole mood has gummed up because of it. It's hard to chat with him right now... his emotions keep coming round to thoughts of work, and he goes quiet. Poor dude. Wish I was there to wrap him up. Really feeling for him.

He's considering looking for another job, but I don't know whether things would be much different elsewhere. Seems the scene itself is changing to be this way everywhere.

I gotta stop freaking out about my own work. I keep looking at job ads and noticing how little there are there compared to this city. It's dumb to keep doing that. Ah... I just gotta be patient. Move back there, see how things go. Do my best. Trust that something is likely to come up.

But I fear I'm throwing away a sure thing for an uncertainty. Well, I am, in terms of work.

I've been thinking a bit of having a deadline, for finding work in that city before I look here again?

I know that I'm flourishing here - in all ways - more than I was there. Could be influenced by factors such as having an end date (so I'm appreciating my time here more), having a job, having a new lover who I'm heart-racingly into, the weather being warmer... But I reckon it's the place and the people and how I'm me in it. Quite simply: I've taken to it.

What's difficult is being long-distance from people. I can't be there for them in the same way.

And... I guess they can't be there for me in the same way? I mean, I miss them. I really do.

I'm still so conflicted. I feel by going back I am choosing interdependence over independence. I don't think either is necessarily better, but right now I have to pick one. My past life choices possibly leave me little room but to choose "interdependence". Well. I am still the person that wants that. It's a great ideal to me. But, fuck it, I want both. And obviously, I can have both! It's just a matter of adjusting the apertures...

Moving places for other people is tricky. I can understand why this was a rule for me in the past (not to do this) and now that I've broken the rule, I kinda want it back. Though I don't think I'm making mistakes as such, I feel I'm possibly just learning, growing, admitting? Hmm.

 

[nycindie]

Okay, I'm a little mixed up right now about who it would be (Ocean or Grotto), but can't he move to where you are and live with you there? If the place you're in has such better opportunities for you, maybe it has better opportunities for your partners as well. Maybe you addressed this earlier in the blog, but I'm just not keeping it straight right now who is who.

 

[fuchka]

nycindie - yeah, sorry, gets confusing.

Both Ocean and Grotto have work in the other city at the moment. Ocean especially finds it hard to get work in his field (he's an academic in a fairly niche field) and it's best if he stays where he is for now. Also, Grotto just moved and needs to be there for his career. So, makes more sense for me to move back and try to find work, if I don't want to be long-distance.

It's funny, though. While theoretically it would "fix" things, if people moved here so I could stay in this city, the thought of it doesn't feel like a Great Solution to me. I think I'm enjoying my life in this city right now. People moving here would mean I that I could stay here, but it would also then be another kind of life.

You know, apart from happily having a job here, what I like about where I am right now is probably more about my way of being rather than the place itself. I'm feeling more fluid, with more room to explore. I go where I want when I want, follow the wind. More often than not, no one knows exactly where I am. Unbeholden.

And yet, I still want to build family, and make house. Desires are such wondrous contradictions at times.

 

[fuchka]

Sex is such a drug, eh. Not necessarily a bad thing, but I do need to be aware of this. Good sex is addictive! I'm really enjoying how Lobe and I fuck. It's fairly uncomplicated... giving and receiving pleasure. I feel very embodied. We're both quite cerebral people, and sex is a sweet release, brain incense <3

I admit, I have mostly surrendered to the love chemicals taking their course. I've been letting a few things slide... A bit more chilled about work, less of a cheapskate etc. For e.g. yesterday I got a return train ticket to the city, but ended up deciding to stay at Lobe's instead of use the return portion to go back to my place. Meant I had to go home today (this morning) before work, which could have worked out a bit more expensive (but incidentally didn't - haha - because we slept in a wee bit longer than intended, and I missed peak hour prices! Ah. Mischief sometimes pays off.) Anyway, it would've only been a few dollars, but I am really conscious of those kinds of things, and generally would not waste a ticket. I can take cost saving to the extreme so it's good to be coaxed into reducing the insanity. Perhaps addiction is not so bad when it loosens you up. Having a taste for this liquor motivates me to sift the things that Really Need to get done from all the rest...

It's all about priorities

Must be cautious though. I don't want to fuck all day... or become a person who is satisfied by that!

Right. I'm not late for work because we mercifully have flexible working hours. But I don't want to be at work too late tonight. Got shit to do... Catch up from the weekend Had a lazy one in almost all respects. Was good for me.

Grotto's still up and down. It's a generalised malaise, but work is contributing for sure. He's visiting this weekend though! There's a film festival on this weekend and we're going to o/d on movies. Fuck. Yes.

Will also be the first time that Grotto, Lobe and I hang out together. Previously, I'd only met Lobe in groups, when I was there with Grotto. Mm... I'm not nervous about it, but very curious as to how it will turn out. Grotto teased me yesterday about me getting both nipples licked at once. He was joking but it actually freaked me out! I've found it hard to relax and be 'my normal self' (?) when I'm the 'hinge' in situations like this. At least initially. Takes adjusting to figure out what shape you are in a three-person dynamic when you've only had experience being dyadic with each person previously. But of course the only way to learn how to ride a tricycle is jump on it

A'ight. Work time.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

As always I've enjoyed reading your saga but I (and the boys ) just had to chuckle at this line:

Grotto teased me yesterday about me getting both nipples licked at once. He was joking but it actually freaked me out!

...'cuz this is an absolutely certain way to get me to giggle and squirm. Love that! (Totally understand if that is not your cup-'o-tea.)

JaneQ

 

[fuchka]

Haha JaneQ - that is my cup of tea too... well... something I enjoy the fantasy of. I'm just not sure whether that would be a realistic dynamic. I'd rather see how things pan out than dream about 'what if's. Although, I can't help the naughty thoughts I figure it's not so bad to fantasise as long as it doesn't translate into manipulative actions. That said, I'm deeply suspicious about my subconscious mind. I have no doubt that I tend to behave in ways that make me try to get the outcomes that I reach for in daydreamspace. And too much of that would treat people as objects, I think? And not be intuitive to what other people want. I want our travel path to be a shared journey; I don't want to guide things more heavy-handedly than anyone else.

Grotto snoozy beside me. He arrived yesterday. Took me awhile to get used to him... It's only been a fortnight since I last saw him but it feels much longer than that. He seemed unreal to me, a little disconnected from me physically.

I remember I would feel that with partners when I'd been away for awhile. There's a strangeness when you meet again, like there are layers of clingwrap you have to peel off first.

Grotto didn't feel this aspect (I asked) so it's possibly a refraction from things with Lobe? They've been kinda intense. We've lazed away a few days in the last fortnight talking and fucking and getting to know each other. I still haven't said "I love you"... well... once by accident very sleepily but I don't think he heard. I certainly feel it though, this wellspring of love, mm.

Lobe's wary of being hopeful. That's probably a smart stance.

We agree that whatever happens, we'll be good friends and things won't get ugly. A pretty decent worst-case scenario, really!

 

[fuchka]

Well, fuck I've certainly got myself into a predicament. Things with Lobe are very good. We're not popping the "I love you"s (just doesn't feel right) but we have talked about feelings. We lust after, like and feel love for each other... We're a bit obsessed... Okay, we've got it bad.

And I leave in just over three weeks.

What will this be like, with the complication of distance? Me being back with my two longer-term partners?

No idea, but I look forward to finding out! Will be some heartache, I'm guessing. I'm gonna miss him. He's gonna miss me. Ah. But worth it.

Grotto's visit was great. Pretty mellow, we didn't get too crazy. It was nice to spend time like we had time to burn. Not rushing trying to maximise the experience. He was here for three days. On the Monday we actually just worked side-by-side on our separate projects. It's this I miss the most, I think. Steady heart-rate, simply being in each other's presence. Oh, the frantic pulsations are great too But yeah... to Just Be is quite a bedrock for me.

One night he was here, Grotto and I met up with Lobe. A few drinks, some food. It was okay. Not bad. A bit awkward. Guess this takes some teething. Lobe was quite stand-off-ish but I understand. Grotto remembers being in Lobe's position, from way-back-when when Grotto, Ocean and I started meeting up the three of us. It's a weird thing, to be affectionate with someone in front of their other partner, if all this is new to you. You don't know what's appropriate, you don't know how you feel like expressing... it takes time to experience and process. Grotto was also less affectionate towards me, which made sense. I managed to hang back and not get impatient (omg can we just roll into bed already?!) The meeting was civilised, didn't end too late, Lobe went home to his place and Grotto came back to mine. (Maybe next time...?)

Ocean's back in our home country visiting his folks. Was Djuna's birthday yesterday, and he took her a small birthday parcel from me. She's visiting next month! We're going camping. I'm amped.

Plinth's birthday later this month, too. Wanna take him out on a date; just gotta figure out what and when. Grotto and I have been talking about taking him out sometime together, maybe foolin around again. The few threesomes we had were decadent. Guess all of this stuff has been on the back burner because of the long-distance aspect.

I was thinking the other day that the places in my life feature a lot in my story. I have several cubbyholes around the globe where I've left the various horcruxes of my heart.

My parents (and 99 year old grandma!) are in one country. My ethnic roots are there, and one city in particular is drawing me back there in the next few years, I feel.

My brothers are in another country.

Ocean, Grotto and I grew up in another. (Djuna lives there now, and Lobe's also from there. Ocean's parents and brother live there too.)

Ocean's cultural background is from another country again, and his elderly grandma and other extended family are there. We visit when we can.

At the moment, we're in yet another country, in two cities. Ocean & Grotto in one city (where Plinth lives), and me in another (where Lobe lives).

I wish this was all based in the European continent, where you can pretty much wander over to other places! But I'm talking mostly the Asia/Pacific region here, and it's long distance air travel between almost all these countries. Bugger.

On the topic of Europe, though, there are places I visited while travelling there that I'd love to go back to. I pretty much fell in love with Dresden, and cried to leave. Here's wishin'...

I also have unfinished bizniz in the States - partly because there's so much of it! But also I have this feeling that loitering in the TN or TX/NM region is something I should do for a few months, at some point. Just a hunch.

Seems my life is settling down though (?) Haha. I mean more, hmm, building lives together with other people rather than being so much of a footloose solo traveller.

If I manage to contain myself sufficiently, rather than spread myself thin, this is all going to work out. I feel like, no matter what happens, it's going to be good. Fuck yeah, life is for the embracing. Go well, my friends