Frustrated and need advice


New member
Hi all!

I joined here to get some advice from other poly people on my relationship. I'm sorry in advance that this is a little long.

I have been in a poly BDSM relationship going on four years with a man I love a lot. We met online during COVID, slowly became friends and eventually more than that. He lives in NY and I in FL, so at first I didn’t think anything serious would come of it, but with time it did. When we first started talking about becoming more serious relationship-wise he had a live-in partner of 7 years. She wasn’t very poly, even though he was, but we were able to negotiate things over time with her.

I had never been in a poly relationship myself, but it just made so much more sense to me. It felt right, compared to the monogamous relationships I'd had in the past. We are both excellent communicators and always talk through any insecurities or small problems we have. I never have felt any jealousy, even though she was passive aggressive sometimes, and tried to control our contact, even though she said she was okay with it.

Unfortunately, he lost his partner a year later due to complications from undetected cancer. It was a tough time for us, as he withdrew a lot, but we made it through. I gave him a lot of support and love during that difficult transition.

Even though we are long distance, I go visit him once a month during summer and fall, and since he is retired, he comes to live with me for four months during the winter. We Skype regularly in between that time.

We always used to have really good chemistry and he was really lusty, but since his partner passed a year and a half ago, it has been a real challenge to get back to what our sex life was like before. We still love each other very much, and we have chemistry, but he just doesn’t have the libido he used to. I don’t know if it was more thrilling for him in a subconscious way when he had another partner, or if his testosterone levels or something have dropped (he is 27 years older than me). He is disinclined to have it tested, even though we have talked about it.

I was married for 10 years to a man who suffered from depression and low testosterone, so this isn’t new territory for me, although my current partner passed through the grieving process well and doesn’t seem depressed at all.

Sooo... now that I am done with the backstory, my issue is that since his other partner passed we have been a fairly monogamous poly couple. I have dated guys off and on when we are apart with his permission. (I am his submissive, as that is a happy role for me in our BDSM relationship.) He hasn’t dated much at all. He says he is happy with me. He expects me to not date anyone while he is staying with me, which I chafe at a bit and I've expressed to him that I’m not sure if that works for me. But since he has been with me for a bit over a month this spring I haven’t been talking with anyone else.

I’m 44, very much alive and full of passion and I miss having a sex life... sigh. It’s been hard to meet other poly-minded guys in my area, and also balance the relationship with my main partner. Because he isn’t dating anyone else, it always makes me feel awkward that I do want to date other people. I am starting to think about taking a break entirely from the relationship, even though I love him, so I can be happier overall.

Thanks for reading and I appreciate your advice.
It seems like a 70 year old might experience a natural decrease in libido. Are you still maintaining some sexual intimacy and contact?

I wouldn't be too hopeful this will change a great deal and I'd operate as if this is as good as it will get.

I think I'd step out of this, as difficult as it may be. There has to be a part of him that can see you unfulfilled and recognises the difference in your life stages. If so, there is a chance you can deescalate successfully.
Hmm, that's a tough one. I am sorry for your partner's loss of his other partner.

I am going to be honest. My situation is different, in that I am a 68 year old, non-binary woman. Trying to date men my own age has never gone well since I've been poly. Oddly, my ex-husband of 30 years was about my age, and when we split up in 2008 his libido was fine, at age 55. Maybe it still is. I don't know lol

But I've dated men in the past 15 years who were in their 40s, 50s and 60s, and I'd have to say more than half of them struggled with ED to some degree, in one way or another. I, on the other hand, have a very strong libido, so, even though I know a hard penis isn't everything, it's definitely not my ideal.

One guy I dated had heart issues, so if he wanted to take Cialis, he'd have to go off his bp meds for a couple days, which I didn't like him to do. Another guy could get hard, but never cum. Another guy was doing great, but his prostate enlarged and he went on androgen blockers. While that didn't hurt his libido, it didn't work, and he needed surgery, etc., etc.

My female partner does have a much lower libido than me, so one of the main reasons I prefer to be poly is to date men with plenty of youthful testosterone and lots of interest in vigorous sex. I know that might sound bad, but it's the truth! (Of course, I am not in it just for the sex, as I have to love someone to have the kind of sex that fulfills me. I'm poly and not into casual sex.)

Like you, I met my current and future bf during Covid, talking online. Like you, he was also living with a partner who passed away! Soon after she passed, vaccinations for Covid became available and we met. However, he lives right in my town, not 1000 miles away. And he's 35 years my junior. His libido is just as high as mine, sometimes greater, depending on the day. We have BDSM involved too, although we are both switches, so I don't need his permission for anything (and vice versa) except during playtime.

Not to go on and on. I just felt I should share our similarities!

As for dating, all I ever wanted was one male and one female partner who were both on my wavelength, loved me deeply, as I loved them, and in it for the long haul. I had my wild oats period after my divorce, but dating is hard and it lost its sheen.

But, I'd encourage you, despite the kink aspect, to get out there and get your good satisfying sex. Men of the Boomer generation can be old-fashioned. Even without the BDSM aspect, they can still deep down think they "own their woman" and her sex. That's another reason I don't like dating men of my general age group.

My bf Aries has been poly in his heart all along, but only started practicing it when we met, so he has a couple other women he sees occasionally. (They are both kinda long distance.) And my gf Pixie also has a bf in the next town, so we split our weeks, half with each other in our shared home and half with our guys, in separate homes. (When Pixie goes to Malachi's house, Aries comes to my house.)

I hope you can work something out to both your satisfaction. Breaking up completely sounds like it would be a last resort, so I hope it doesn't come to that.
Hello FishyGirl,

Have you explained to your (main) partner, that you are frustrated about the lack of sex? and that something needs to be done about it? Either he needs to look for a way to increase his (testosterone? and) libido ... or he needs to consent to you going out with other men. Fair is fair. It's not your fault that he lost his other partner. If you've had this discussion with him, how did he respond?

I hope the two of you can work things out.
Kevin T.