frustrated w poly, help

L

LostOne2015

New member
So this is my first time being in a poly relationship so this is all new to me. I've tried doing research online to kind of give me some insight on it and I hadn't really planned on this thing turning into poly. Any kind of advice or whatever would be appreciated. I'm just at wits end here with what to do.

I am a 26 y o woman that works full time and I have a lot in my life I'm dealing with, my mom moved in with me because she lost her house and is divorcing my father. So the couple I'm with now have been together 5 years and then I'm not really sure what they were looking for but here we are, poly. Funny thing is is it really is all on her, if you knew the situation. We sat down and discussed every thing and I thought we finally worked things out but apparently not. She's always the one throwing the fit about some thing. So they live together, I'm not sure for how long, a few years like maybe 1 or 2 and they been togerther 5 years like I stated.

I think that this wasn't meant to turn into a relationship, more of a fwb kinda thing but it got complicated fast. He said it was love at first sight and me, as usual, just try to push them away and keep them at a distance so I don't get hurt. But eventually I let my walls down and I have feelings for him, and I like her too, probably not quite the same as him but still.

So, I thought we figured every thing out and were finally chill and I was suppose to move in with them and then out of no where (or hell, maybe she'd been feeling this way for a while) she says she doesn't want to do it any more because she don't want to share him, it stresses her out at work, she don't want to have to worry about the two of us alone (which is the dumbest shit I ever heard, especially we're in a relationship) etc etc. And I never once complained about them being along considering they live together. But most of what she texted me was seriously retarded, and if you seen it you'd agree with me.

I can say for a fact that all of our issues are her, being overly jealous, clingy, over bearing, selfish, whiney. And sure, I understand, I really do that it's her bf of years and she don't want to share him or want him to be with any one else. But he loves me and I'm in love with him and I don't want to leave him and he doesn't want to leave me. I'm trying to get us all to work it out, and he is too. I don't want him to straight up leave her, and I haven't told him to choose or any thing like that. This is poly so I'm trying to get us all to work it out.

Like he and I aren't allowed to have alone time, even though they live together and see each other every day and I live an hour away and am lucky if I get to see him or the both of them once a week because of my job, if they make us work weekends or some thing. Once in a while I plan some thing for he and I for the night or for the day and she ALWAYS has to tag along or throws a fit "we didn't invite her" and I explained this to her that that's not the issue, we just want time to ourselves because we don't get to see each other very much.

I'm not really sure what I can do at this point, but I basically told her off and told her to get off her high horse and the world doesn't revolve around her. If he and I go out for a few hours or a few days she's not going to die with out him. Idk why she doesn't go hang with friends or visit family or some thing in the mean time. But she is the one stressing he and I out. I really would like all of us to get along and work this out. If it's just her and I we get along great, it always seems like when it's the 3 of us she has to be all jealous and clingy and overbearing to a ridiculous degree. I mean I understand to some point, but this is ridiculous and wearing he and I out.

I just need some advice or insight or some thing, going crazy here.

Thank you.
 
I hear you and understand you are very frustrated with this. I am sorry it's causing you stress.

If you really do want to work this out, the best way to go about it is not by dismissing her feelings and telling her to get off her high horse. Yes, it is rather unfair of her to restrict your alone time with your boyfriend. No, she isn't going to die without him, but these kinds of feelings don't usually go away with logic. They need compassion and understanding, but also a bit of firm affirmation that she needs to work on being more secure and trust that you aren't out to steal her boyfriend or take anything away from her. It just sounds like she may not have been down for poly when she had been expecting a more FWB situation. Was anything every discussed, did her boyfriend run anything by her and explain his feelings before jumping in with both feet?

If you really want to work on this all together, that means accepting that it is 'not all on her'. Try and sit together as a group and work out a schedule; it can be easier to deal with things at first if a consistent schedule is fine. I would suggest that you guys work out a day or night when you can all hang out together and a day or night that you can have with boyfriend alone, but also a date night that she and boyfriend can have alone (she will feel less left out if you factor her into the schedule). It may not be an easy transition, and yes, she may still have insecurities. Yes, she does need to learn that trying to control everything won't necessarily make her feel better. However, if you show her some compassion now, at her worst, and try to set some boundaries everyone can agree on, it may help her feel more inclined to show you some in return. Having alone time once a week is not unreasonable.

She may not want poly, and that is something your boyfriend may have to make a difficult decision over. It sucks, but poly doesn't always work out for everyone, especially if things happened really quickly and she didn't really have time to process.

Good luck!
 
I am sorry you struggle.

Here's a few points I want to lift up to you from your post. Maybe seeing things without the "extra" helps some:

  • she says she doesn't want to do it any more
  • he loves me I'm in love with him
  • I don't want to leave him and he doesn't want to leave me
  • This is poly so I'm trying to get us all to work it out. (For it to work, it takes the willingness of all 3. Do not have that here.)


Could stop putting energy in trying to fit square peg into a round hole. Just... "get off the bus." Keeping a relationship shape going (a 3 people polyship) by force is not kind to the participants within in. Let it end. Stop banging head on wall. Let the chips fall where they may.

It is not compatible here. You all cannot keep riding the same bus any more. You don't seem to like her much from the way you talk so do not be around her any more trying to "make it" work. It either works or doesn't. You cannot force a thing to fly that just does not.

I think you could tell him you are going to get off the bus. Not leaving him if he doesn't want that, but leaving this bus ride/situation. You are not having a good time here. No longer willing to polyship with this group of people. Bow out. He can follow if he wants but you are off this crazy bus. That is you making the healthiest choice for you.

As much as you like him, you have to like you and your well being the most of all. You do not sound happy here. You don't seem to like her much. You cannot will her to change her acting out behaviors or her willingness to participate. Only she can change those. So rather than worry about her, could focus on the things YOU can control.

But she is the one stressing he and I out.
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Nope. You choosing to keep riding the same bus as her just to be near him is stressing you out. Don't get me wrong -- she's not being peaches here in her behaviors. But who is in charge of your "staying-ness?" You.

You can choose to get off the bus yourself.

Then he gets to make his hard choices. He can decide where he wants to be riding next. With you or with her or by himself.

Trust that if he loves you and doesn't want to leave you, he will get off the bus too. It's just that someone has to get off the bus first.

If he doesn't get off, that's a bummer. But at least you are free from her crazy either way. Which is a win for you either way. You get to start to feel better.

Each person is responsible for their own well being.

Galagirl
 
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That's the thing is we sat down and discussed a few things, but we never strictly set any rules or schedules for us all, if you will. I'm not trying to force it, like yes, I am upset with her because the sudden 360 after we had worked every thing out and this is why I'm pretty mad. I'm not the only one that feels this way, I know that he wants us all to work it out desperately but I know it looks like that it's not going to. And from the beginning I knew it probably wouldn't end well and I hadn't planned on it being poly so I feel the same about it. And even so that it wouldn't last long term. I just wanted us to all get along, but I can tell that she's basically the one that incompatible with this. I know it's some thing hard to deal with having been with some one for so many years. I just wanted to try a little longer to see if we could try but she made up her mind. I'm preparing myself to leave with or with out him. I never asked him to choose and even if I did it's ultimately his decision. To pick or pick neither. I never wanted it to be like this and I really do like her as a friend and unfortunate that it had to get all messy like this. If I hadn't had feelings involved it obviously wouldn't be a big deal to just be friends.

Her and I had a huge argument last night and that's pretty much it. He basically has to choose. The shitty thing is that I really understand not wanting to share your bf and every thing. But it doesn't help that I don't want to be with out him either, but what am I suppose to do? I can either walk away, stay, but ultimately it's up to him. I told him I'm about done, I can't deal with this crap and I don't need it. She wants to argue with both of us in general.

And it bothers me that she said that I don't get alone time, I'm just a side gf, that it's all of us together. Uh no, we never even discussed that at all other then that I was a 2nd gf, we never discussed specifics of a schedule or us having alone time, etc. That he and I weren't allowed to it. Even though they are the core couple, who is she to dictate us? We're all consenting adults and that's what poly is about, it for all of us to agree on rules or guidelines or whatever. It just seems like she just wants to control every thing and she really seems controlling. She's worried about us being alone...that is ridiculous.

I know he doesn't want me to leave but I can't do any thing. And I'm pretty sure there's no way to get us all to work this out. I tried and that worked pretty well, I just got pissed off and told her off. But she's very passive aggressive which is extremely annoying as well.

I guess I have to see how this is going to go. I know that I don't want any thing to do with her at this point and I already blocked her on every thing.
 
Her and I had a huge argument last night and that's pretty much it. He basically has to choose.
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I don't want any thing to do with her at this point and I already blocked her on every thing.
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Sounds like you are out of there.

Now he has to make up his mind to be with you, her, or by himself.

Hang in there as this all unfolds.

Galagirl
 
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What you might not be aware of are the promises he made to her when you were setting this arrangement up. Some of her expectations about how things should be may have been set by him or at least agreed to by him, perhaps because he didn't expect his feelings to develop the way that they have.
 
Sounds like she needs to accept that you and him are together now. if she doesn't want to be part of your relationship she doesn't have to but she doesn't have any kind of right to say that you have to go away just because she decided that she doesn't want to be in a polyamorous relationship. This happens all the time when couples go after a woman the wife gets jealous and decided she doesn't want to have relationship anymore and guess who gets dumped this is exactly why women don't want to get involved with couples
 
I know that he's very unhappy with her and that he's tried to leave her before but he never really mentioned why he was unsuccessful? But now things are developing that she's just nuts and seriously not good for his health and I want him to get out of there not for my sake but for his. I wouldn't really blame him for not wanting to jump right back into a relationship after this or take it slow or what ever would be fine w me. But high blood pressure and strokes aren't good. She was just giving me damn anxiety because how ridiculous she was being. And then trying to say she was "pregnant" which I know she is lying because if she is then so am I. Which I had a pregnant scare near the beginning of the poly relationship and 3 pregnancy tests later I wasn't, I went to the gyno, the er, and I bought one. The doc at the er was saying right away I was pregnant because I was having irregular bleeding but they gave me a blood and pee test and said I wasn't. At this point she's just being desperate and trying to trick him and I told him about to be careful or not sleep with her at all because he doesn't want any more kids and she wants one with him. And I'm not stupid, I know what she's trying to do.

At this point I just want him to get out of there. I know I'm not dealing with her any more because she gives me damn anxiety because her craziness.
 
I'm sorry you're going through this. It has to be stressful. And it's hard to divorce yourself from the poor decisions of someone you care about, but the fact is, he's the only person that can control his mental and physical health. You're the only person you have control over in the situation. It sucks. But you can't make his life better for him. He's the only person that can do that, and only if he wants to.
 
He made up his mind and I'm helping and supporting him. So that's that now. I really had no idea from the beginning she was apparently this bad.

After this experience it just makes me think how any one can make a poly relationship work. I get it, it's tough, if the 3 of us had worked it out I was thinking of having another bf myself but not really sure I could handle every thing.

Well, thanks for the advice every one. It still helped, I really didn't know what to do at the beginning of this when the shit hit the fan.
 
You should have walked away at the beginning.

Your boyfriend is a sloppy hinge, meaning he has no idea how to manage his relationships and has no businesses dragging you into her drama and the drama he has in his life.

I do not allow there to be drama between my partners. Butch has no say over my relationship with Murf and Murf has no say over my relationship with Butch. Plus my husbands act like the grown men they are not melodramatic teens. But I also have a personal rule I don't fuck fragile.
 
Sounds like it continues to unfold. It's up to you if you want to support him in leaving her and to what degree. It's also up to you if you prefer to give him space to sort it out and look you up when he is done. Be careful not to pick up his problems for yourself. YKWIM? Stay balanced.

After this experience it just makes me think how any one can make a poly relationship work.
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I think going way slow helps vet partners realistically. It's not just all the people being willing to polyship together. It's also about their character and their skills to me. Also assessing one's own fitness.

If things were THAT bad with her, he could have gotten his life in order first rather than dating your or anyone else. I mean, YOU are able to assess your own fitness and go "Nope. No other BF right now. Life too full already."

Galagirl
 
I agree with FallenAngelina. When you use the word "retarded" you instantly lose people who find that word offensive (like folks who have a loved one with Down Syndrome).

As for your situation, it's clear that you place all the blame on her. Real life is rarely that simple. She didn't want to be part of a poly structure with you-- that's her right (everyone has the right to leave a relationship). It's hard that she gave your boyfriend an ultimatum, but when someone's in that place, when they're done, you can't argue and force them to change their mind. Hearts go where they go.

I'm sorry you didn't get what you wanted.
 
Becca said:
I agree with FallenAngelina. When you use the word "retarded" you instantly lose people who find that word offensive (like folks who have a loved one with Down Syndrome).
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Thanks for recognizing that, Becca. There was a time, not long ago at all, when people threw around the N-word "all in fun".......or not. Using the word "gay" as a synonym for "weird" or "silly" is also falling out of fashion. This derogatory language only passes out of use when people say something and because I do have a kid with special needs, I say something. I say something because calling people retards "in good fun" is based on the assumption that it's OK to mock people with developmental disabilities because they are lesser people. I think if humans have come to anything in the 21st Century, it's the understanding that all kinds of people merit respect.

Lest anyone roll their eyes and think this has nothing to do with poly, think again. There are viscous words for people who express their sexuality with more than one person and we all know what they are. "Retarded" is just as hateful a word to use and probably more insidious because those who are still using it are ignorant to the damage they're inflicting.
 
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Re (from LostOne2015):
"After this experience it just makes me think how anyone can make a poly relationship work."
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Interesting thought. I think it partly depends on the people involved. Another part is getting through the first few months or years, things can be tough in the beginning. If everyone is willing to try extra hard, and they all get through the first part, then it can be done.

Another thing that can stop it from working is if someone is hardcore monogamous -- that is, if they just can't stand to have polyamory in their life, not in themselves and not in their partner either. Poly's not for everyone.
 
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