Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love


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MisterMoonbeam woke up with a headache today, but he took Tylenol and is soldiering on. DarkKnight is still nauseous and vomiting this morning. I made him some dry toast to see if he could keep it down, and of course lots of water. So far, so good. It’s disconcerting that he’s ill like that but still negative on the Covid test. He will be retesting when the center is open - either tomorrow or Tuesday, depending on the weather. We’re supposed to get snow tonight.

BugGirl is coming over this morning to finish up on the painting and some other projects. She’s going to bankrupt me this weekend! Lol I really appreciate the help though and I don’t mind paying her. When stuff gets done, that’s great. Actually, she just called and asked if I would buy her an orbital sander instead of cash, so that just happened. Lol

I’m also still myself feeling a little nauseous but it’s been low key there for the last few days. Nothing that stops me from participating in life. In a way I feel like it’s general malaise from just wearing pajamas all the time. It’s certainly kinda ugh but it’s also nice to be comfy when you’re cold! I am changing pajamas each day at least.


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MisterMoonbeam did finally get started on re-wrapping the cat tree on the sunporch, but he got distracted by other things today, so it isn’t finished yet. The blinds are now all hung up though! I’m hoping to schedule our dude who does stuff in early February to lay the new floor in there, as we already have all the tile and stuff. I’m also hoping to purchase at least two other stained glass pieces to hang in the windows straight ahead - on either side of the Zelda triforce!

BugGirl did make it over and finished up the trim work and door painting in the downstairs bathroom. The shower is re-caulked and looking good. This coming weekend the remaining walls in there are going to be painted light blue and one is going to be covered in the wainscoting so it matches with the wall in my master closet - which is visible sorta in this picture:


Anyway, that’s the bathroom door now. Lol It was brown and ugly so I love how seamless it looks. After the bathroom walls are finished, we’ll put down peel and stick tile and then be done with that nonsense. The ceiling is still open in the basement, so I am also hoping to get my electrician friend in to move an overhead light that’s currently in an awkward spot in our master closet to be centered there, but he’s been booked solid for a while. I really want to get that completed before we have the appraisal done!

The schedule in my head is hoping to have all of the small updates done by the end of February and then to see what’s up with the appraisal. Zillow is telling me $223,000 with a range of $211,000-$267,000. I do think that some of the updates we did previously boosted our value but really it’s the lack of inventory in town! (We bought the house for $130,000.)


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DarkKnight tested negative again, this time on an at-home Covid test. He’s still not feeling well, but he hasn’t vomited since last night. It’s looking like it was just a stomach bug. I hope he feels better soon though. He’s miserable and home from work again.

I got a batch of at-home tests in today and I’m promised lots more this weekend. The ones I was given were all claimed within minutes, even though I limited it to people who are actually sick. Crazy pants.


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DarkKnight is still sick this morning. He got a video appointment today with his doctor and they gave him a prescription for his queasiness. He’s staying home from work again. MisterMoonbeam and I are okay, though I had a horrific headache earlier. Tylenol knocked it out.

Today is the first day that I actually dressed. I’ve been living in pajamas the last few days - shit, all week! I’m really feeling myself today, though MisterMoonbeam asked me if I was going grocery shopping, or to the club? Lmao


I have to say I am depressed when I look at this photo though, because I am still sad to not be able to add makeup. It’s been like 4 years now and I still break out in hives or my face swells up or my skin turns bright red, when I try to use anything. It’s depressing.

Ugh I need to hit my hair with some teal again soon. I talked to my stylist and she’s ready to go! Lol I just don’t have any spare cash to do that this pay period. Definitely the next! I need a trim and then the color has faded. It’s great though to have my natural white just exist - I don’t have to worry about my roots at all. Lol

Anyway, here’s the breakdown on my outfit:

Coat: Land’s End ($10 thrifted)
Skirt: LuLaRoe ($35)
Cat Skull Shirt: Loot Crate ($25)
X-front Shirt: Emory Park ($34)
Boots: Dr. Martens ($150)
Bracelets: vintage & newer ($2-$6 each)
Fishnet stockings: Amazon ($7)
Leg warmers: ?

It’s funny because the coat has literally been hanging on the basement bathroom door for years and I just kinda forgot it existed. BugGirl took the hook down to paint this past weekend and she’s like, here’s your coat. I was like, what? I own a red coat? Lmao I barely remembered it. I can thank DarkKnight for mostly everything else, as he bought me the boots for Christmas, and the cat T-shirt came from his Loot Crate subscription years ago as well.

Anyway, it’s a not so good feeling when I look at myself and think that my outfit is 🔥 🔥 but my bare face fucks it up. I wish I could at least put eyeliner on, but the last time I tried, my entire face puffed up and sealed my eyes shut for like a week, not gonna lie. Maybe when I go to get new eyeglass frames next month I will get some colored ones that pop. Idk.

I’m going to see if MisterMoonbeam will take me out to dinner tonight someplace new so I feel a bit more fabulous. I’ll even pay!
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Ugh, LittleMichigan - my youngest daughter - messaged me today to say her boyfriend was positive for Covid. She’s going to get tested tomorrow. He’s completely unvaccinated. I’m happy she at least had the one dose of J&J done, but it was back when it was first available. Yeah, she’s probably positive too. She said their dog has been sneezing a lot too. I hope it passes through their household quickly! Her birthday is Thursday.

My back is hurting pretty bad tonight, in the same spot it always hurts - my right shoulder. I had X-rays done decades ago (omg I’m old!) and it was bone on bone with no cartilage then. I’m sure it’s awful now. I just deal with it. Tonight I wanna whine about it though. Lol


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MisterMoonbeam is off getting his second sleep study done tonight, and I’m with DarkKnight, who still is not feeling well. He’s already said he’s not going to work tomorrow. Good news is that he did eat buttered spaghetti for dinner, and he held it down so I think the medicine the doctor prescribed him is working. I’m really glad, because he’s just so miserable! He did take the 2nd at-home Covid test today and it was still negative. So that’s one PCR and 2 at-home tests, so I think we can be very certain it is some other virus making him feel so terrible.


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Little Michigan came over this morning and DarkKnight & I waved to her through the storm door. She’s 24 today! She snagged her presents off the porch. Covid sucks. She said she was only REALLY sick for a couple of days but is still feeling rundown. She said she’s not really doubting that she has Covid, since her boyfriend is positive and he’s really sick. Their roommate is also ill. She’s vaccinated and they’re not, so there was a definite difference in their recovery times! This morning she went and got tested though. Her work is still paying for everyone to have 14 days off with pay following a positive test, so that’s awesome.


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COVID is so weird and terrifying. I was diagnosed right after Christmas. My best friend and 3 of her 5 kids have it. My meta has it again. About half of the old polycule has it. I didn't even know I had it when I was diagnosed and had to go get tested twice before I went back to the doctor and they told me that people are still testing positive for up to 3 months after contracting it. Apparently after the 10 day quarantine, as long as you have no symptoms, you are no longer contagious and good to work again. I'm still testing positive more than 3 weeks later.

All this time and neither my BF nor my roommate ever got it.


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Thank you for sharing your experience! So far no one in my polycule has caught it, but both of my daughters (who live independently as adults) have had it. My sister and her boyfriend had it and were sick for an entire month. Like super, super sick. I know a couple of people on ventilators right now, and my ex father-in-law died from it. It is scary.

My bubble has changed so much, and it’s reforming even now! My friend is coming over tonight for a game night with my polycule - she’s the one I wrote about a short while ago. Her fiancé died in December. I miss her face and I am excited to see her today.

I’ve also invited the couple over tonight, but I’m still very uncertain about what’s up with them, to be honest. I will write more later. MisterMoonbeam went out this morning to help my delivery guy move a load of furniture, and he just got back with 38 boxes of produce donated from a church and I need to get that unloaded and posted up as available!


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I had an overall good weekend, though I did end up getting into it with SirGawain. Once again, he didn’t show up to our date day until super late. This time, he apparently fell asleep and showed up at like 5:30 pm! What kind of day is that spent together? I can tell you - it’s none. I told him I am seriously over it, and if he’s okay with spending the least amount of time with me as possible, I’m going to be done.

I think I kind of shocked him, but it’s beyond ridiculous that this keeps happening. Either I am a priority, or I am not. I snapped at him out on the porch when he arrived, and that was about it. I mean, I really do care about him heaps, but when he repeatedly misses his time with me because he’s scheduled his other days to the max, it’s hard to feel valued.

That said, he’s been lots more snuggly in the bedroom, though we have yet to have sex since before Christmas. He’s off the meds now, that were lowering his libido, but he’s still stressed and has lots going on. I honestly don’t mind much, as long as he’s loving in other ways. But combine the lack of sex with the lack of spending time with me - uh, this relationship is stagnating.

That said, MisterMoonbeam’s job has an opening that may be a good fit for SirGawain, and if it works out, his work/life balance will be righted in no time! He submitted a resume yesterday and MisterMoonbeam discussed it with his boss with all of his clout behind it. Keeping my fingers crossed! It will be 100% work from home, regular hours with every other Friday off, salary sitting at a potential $68-$102k. It’s definitely in his skillset! It starts out hourly, temp to perm, but after 6 months it will transition. All of their openings do that, so it’s not a huge risk to get stranded without a job. And damn does SirGawain need a new one!

Sigh. Like, I know he’s got so much going on, but I need support too. And that means actually seeing him!

The other thing that has me out of sorts with him is that his health is really poor. He just had some blood work done and it was dire. He says the numbers were bad because he didn’t drink enough water before the test, but honestly if he’s not drinking enough water, it means the numbers are accurate! Like, it’s not like you just go one day eating like shit and being dehydrated - it’s a lifestyle. He keeps saying that when he was in the hospital for a week last year that his bloodwork numbers were okay - well yeah, his intake was 100% controlled and he was on an IV part of the time. I can only remember two numbers but like his Blood Urea Nitrogen was 42 and the BUN/Creatinine was 25 or 26? Anyway, it’s not good. They were both 20 when going into the hospital - which was high, and then while in the hospital they were in the normal range and now they’re like, super high again. He’s supposed to get retested soon. It’s scary.

But it all adds up. I become a nag - did you drink enough water? What did you eat today? Then I hear about how terrible his boss is and he doesn’t get home til 8 pm. I keep telling him he needs to get an interview suit and start updating his resume and apply other places. That won’t fix itself if he doesn’t start taking action. And his house is getting messy again because he’s exhausted and BugGirl hasn’t had time to go over there. His depression is not really great.

I don’t blame him for having a low libido. I can’t boost him any if we don’t see each other though. He’s sitting in that house and lumping it. Gah! Fuck, I hope he gets this job. Also, he put in for a refinance and hopefully he gets that complete and he can fix up his place with a new fence and roof.

Fuck this has just been a negative post. He’s amazing though, y’all. He’s a terrific kisser and good at snuggling when he puts it out there. He makes me laugh lots. He’s creative and interesting and just the sweetest. His birthday is soon and we are planning a “Super Soft” party, like in LetterKenny. I want him to feel special and know that he’s worthy of love. He’s just gotta get his shit together and not let this relationship be all one sided.


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Gah! I had a stomach bug yesterday or food poisoning. Not sure which. Tuesday night I had cramps nonstop and got next to no sleep, and then puked yesterday morning. I spent the day eating toast and covered in a blanket in the recliner, when I wasn’t sleeping in MisterMoonbeam’s room. By dinner time I was able to eat real food, and today I feel recovered. Still tired but looking forward to showering and having a real day. I already filled the Blessing Box, but when I started scooping litter, it exhausted me, so MisterMoonbeam is going to be assigned that chore. No one did it yesterday and phew! It stinks. Lol Seven cats in a house will do that.

I wanted to write some about Saturday night, as “the couple” did come over for our game night, along with my friend. It was the most people we’ve had over in 2 years, that’s for sure! We played Cards Against Humanity, Puns of Anarchy, Joking Hazard, We Didn’t Playtest This at All, and The Resistance. Not exactly my favorite sort of game night, but my friend had asked for Cards Against Humanity, and the rest are card-based party games, for the most part. I am looking forward to the weekend when we will get back to Zombicide!

Anyway, it went well. My friend and I were like peas and carrots and it was wonderful to see her. She stayed til a bit after midnight and we had to tell her to go home. She’s still really grieving after her fiancé’s death and she wanted company more than anything so I didn’t mind. Plus I love her like crazy, so having her hang out was wonderful.

The Couple was interesting. The woman was quiet, and quite introverted. I tried to smile at her lots and direct comments to her, but I could tell she wasn’t in her element. The man was active and funny. They’ve both been chatting with me frequently since then, and I’m supposed to have a one-on-one with the guy tomorrow night. Not sure what we are doing yet though.

I need to give them names. I guess will call her MinnieMouse and he can be DreamerDude.

I just scrolled through my journal and I see I didn’t post about it, but I did have a meet up with them prior to the game night. They really wanted to get together and go through the communication breakdown and talk about things. I was okay with that. So we did. Since we split up, or stopped talking, or whatever, DreamerDude and MinnieMouse had a lot of discussions and he actually joined a Facebook polyamory group to learn more and figure out stuff. It’s not one that I am a member of, so that pleased me, as I don’t like overlapping with partners in private groups. I honestly was shocked when he told me he had joined one, because he seemed so out of sorts about things previously.

They both seemed earnest and open and apologetic about the way things happened previously. Honestly, I didn’t feel safe-safe with her yet. The way things went down, it was like she was talking to him and telling him one thing, and then me another, and it was back and forth and gaslighting a bit. He was 100% up front with his discomfort and anxiety though, so I feel like he was more truthful with stuff. With her, I feel like she was trying to make everything work and told us different things, whatever worked to keep things going. Until it didn’t, and then she told me I was wrong with what she had said. We did go over our conversations and I see where I misunderstood tone, and where she was backtracking. Anyway, I am good with starting over from square one but I now need to build that trust with her again. Because it’s worrisome and it was tiring trying to figure stuff out.

The end result is that they are okay with dating separately, and together, and we can go at whatever pace each person is comfortable with.

So far, so good.


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I’ve been exchanging emails today with the realtor that sold us our house. Today is our 5 year anniversary of the purchase! I told her we were interested in an appraisal for a cash out refi or possibly selling so we’ve been talking back and forth about it. She’s going to do a walk through with us in March now and get us a list of appraisers if we want to go that way. So exciting! We’ve sent her some photos and she says we’ve done some good upgrades. We will see!


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I am really stressed out - I have no idea which way to go with things. Should we sell the house, since there’s a shortage of inventory and we would hopefully get top dollar? Or, should we do a cash out refi, as that would allow us to keep the house as an asset for later use, and my kids can then stay in it and enjoy rent stability and a much lower cost of living since they wouldn’t be getting gouged on our city rental market? The other positive would be we can stay in the house while we do upgrades and repairs on the building - anything we purchase will need work, for sure.

What if DarkKnight can’t qualify to carry the house mortgage and the mortgage on a building? Do I trust MisterMoonbeam to take the cash from the refi and have ownership of the building?

Do we donate the cash to our nonprofit and have it purchase the building? The United Way has reached out more than once with incentives to me through the Blessing Box and I have been told they may give us a sizable grant. However, if the nonprofit is on the paperwork, we lose all of the incentives the city might help with - they want a private citizen to be the owner.

Seriously this shit keeps me up at night right now.


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Do you have access to a financial advisor or mortgage broker? They could give you insights and maybe even put those "what ifs" to rest.


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Do you have access to a financial advisor or mortgage broker? They could give you insights and maybe even put those "what ifs" to rest.
I do have an email for my mortgage broker. I will reach out!


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So I ended up at brunch with MinnieMouse yesterday and I had a good time. It was like catching up with an old friend. I wasn’t feeling any sparks or anything for the few hours we were there (11-2) at the bakery, but it was an easy conversation. I like her.

When we went to leave it was snowing and we had masks on, so I gave her a hug and ooooh! Excited shivers all over!!! It was like I got hit with an NRE buzz. At the same time I realized she was wearing rainbow glitter Docs and I was like 😍😍😍. So yeah, I definitely want to see her again.

I went to Mission BBQ for a quick dinner with DreamerDude. When he arrived to pick me up, DarkKnight answered the door and didn’t recognize him at first. He was like, oh yeah, come inside. DreamerDude was freaked out and stayed out on the porch in the cold. I laughed at him and told him to stop being a dork. Holy hell though he is intimidated by my other partners I think! He was also really nervous and a bit anxious, and it’s so refreshing to have him tell me that. Dating one on one is new to him.

We came back to my house and we cozied up in the spare bedroom - clothes on, above the covers. I put on Netflix’s Moving Art (Forests but it didn’t matter) and we made out. He said he just needed to know what kissing me was like and he said now he knows and he is so into me. He was hesitant to go any further and I didn’t push him too much. He did feel me yo, and we ended the night with him fingering me, and it was good! When I came, he was like, oh my god I have never ever felt a woman bear down like that, is this even real? Lmao. He was amazed. I found this hilarious. I asked him if this was the first time he ever gave a woman an orgasm before. He started laughing and was like, don’t ruin my life! Lololol Obviously we both know he has but it was funny.

I was a little out of sorts when he left because I do think he was a little overwhelmed still with the idea of being a separate entity from his wife. I worry it still may end up being a little much for him to process. That said, I do think that we will all end up together if we work through it. I’m having flutters with her and I’m definitely into him. I think it’s normal for things to be building unevenly.


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Ugh, so I got a series of messages yesterday from MinnieMouse. We chatted the entire day. Apparently the night before she had a breakdown and was going nuts over DreamerDude being out with me. She couldn’t handle us possibly hooking up (though we didn’t) without her being there. She says she *thinks* that if we have a threesome it will improve her jealousy, but she can’t be sure. I’m like, are you fucking kidding me?!

Honestly, I was not surprised. She said she didn’t sleep at all because she was upset at herself, and just full of anxiety that suddenly she can’t handle being poly. She’s never had to date alone or have her husband have sexual adventures without her. Minnie says she is in a couple of poly groups on Facebook, and she talked to a poly friend overnight and she got talked off a ledge.

I really appreciated her candor. They didn’t come to game night as they’re still talking, but the last thing we talked about was them maybe coming over today to discuss stuff with me and MisterMoonbeam. He used to consul people (totally non clinical) in his position as a coven leader in the past with poly stuff. Anyway, the thing I am most upset about is that DreamerDude didn’t message me a single thing yesterday. Like, I know they’re in crisis mode, but it’s like I stopped existing to him completely. Not even a comment to tell me he’s hanging in there, or that they weren’t coming last night - nothing. This is not okay with me.

I feel really bad for him, because his main hesitancy earlier was that MinnieMouse SAID she was okay, and he was worried that she wasn’t. Then, now when we got together, she really isn’t. His worst fear coming true. But to have him just completely drop off the face of the earth, like I don’t even matter at all - not cool.

I feel like this is normal poly growing pains as they are opening up, but I am uncertain as to whether I wanna stick around. It’s like they already pulled the rug out from under me once, and here it is happening again. It’s also interesting that the first time this happened, at the beginning of December, he was the best with communicating his feelings about what was happening, and this time it’s her being connected and vulnerable.

I’m learning why people are hesitant to date new polys and on top of that, couples.

I told you so is definitely in order here.


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Things feel like they are sputtering to a close once again with the couple. It was silence from the both of them for a large part of the day, and then I finally messaged DreamerDude. I told him I was bummed that he hadn’t messaged me at all since he had left and said goodnight. He answered immediately, so I appreciated that. He said it had been a bad day and that the way we were doing things separately just weren’t at all how they expected, and his worst fear of his wife reacting negatively had happened.

Then later, MinnieMouse and I had a long back and forth, and she said that she never meant to imply that we were meeting up today to discuss things. Her texts were all over the place, I honestly felt. It seemed like she was gaslighting me, but I admit I am not ever in a good headspace when I get feelings like that. She has made exact opposite statements at different times - “no one has ever had an issue seeing you separately” - that was texted today, but like, DreamerDude has said more than once he has struggled with it. And prior to that, she texted a huge brick about how seeing me together is preferable because seeing me separately means they don’t have that time for each other alone. Um, okay?

I’m hoping tomorrow brings more clarity and if they don’t text me, I don’t believe I have enough fortitude to be involved with this any longer. I am willing to deal with their inexperience but only to a certain point. I want to give as much grace as I can, because I understand they are struggling now but, well, they need to work that out before dating. Bowing out sucks but I do not want to be hurt in this.

So I was down most of the day. More projects around the house were happening, but I didn’t do shit. Well, a load of laundry was folded and put away. Another was started in the washer. That was my contribution. Oh, and I helped DarkKnight plan a menu for the week. We agreed that SirGawain’s Super Soft Birthday Party (like from LetterKenny) will be on Saturday the 5th.

I was pretty tired. Our game night went to 11 pm, and my friend was here with us. We played a scenario of Mansions of Madness 2nd edition and we won, thanks to her. DarkKnight was insane. Lol It was a good time. Just like last week, everyone went to bed but SirGawain and I stayed up and hung out with her in the living room until 2:30 am! She and I reminisced about the two play parties we attended together, and the people there and the fun we had. She was in tears a couple of times, talking about her partner who passed in December. I think getting out and hanging with us gives her time where she doesn’t have to focus on her loss, until it does. :(

SirGawain and I messed around in the morning. We realized early in though that we didn’t have any condoms - we were all out - so no penis play was had. It was pretty similar to my encounter with DreamerDude, actually. It’s weird though, as I consider the finger banging and making out I did with SirGawain as us having sex. But almost the exact same thing with DreamerDude I consider just having fun. Neither of the encounters involved me touching their penis, and neither of them came. But I did orgasm with both.

When I think about it, it irritates me. Like, why? The main difference is that I love SirGawain, and the intentions I have when I am with him are that I want to reconnect. I love him. It’s fun and sexy and I’m having an amazing time, and there’s a trust there. With DreamerDude, it was playful and lusty but I definitely don’t trust him - if anything I am guarded now with my emotions. The intimacy is blocked. The acts though, are the same.

So anyway, I was tired AF today, physically and emotionally. Other people in the house handled the updating and remodeling stuff that is going on right now! They asked me questions and got my opinions, but that was about it.

✅ MisterMoonbeam got the piping complete - finally - on the basement bathroom sink. It’s usable!
✅ The basement bathroom sink is now dripping tiny amounts of water onto the floor. It’s leaking!
✅ I resolved to not hear about the basement bathroom sink anymore.
✅ All of the walls and trim in the basement bathroom are now completely painted. I think I may order a moon decal or other space motif to put on the wall facing the toilet.
✅ DarkKnight and MisterMoonbeam both individually and unsuccessfully searched for a set of hooks that would fit the shower door frame in the basement bathroom. Gotta think about this some more.
✅ The damaged drywall by the front door where our Ring doorbell was installed is now repaired, sanded and painted.
✅ The tile gap at the entrance of our upstairs bathroom has been caulked and repaired so the flaw in the tiling is less noticeable.
✅ The open doorway entrance to the kitchen from the living room has had its trim all touched up and repainted white.
✅ The existing front door trim has had one coat of paint put on. (Will need two or three.)
✅ The hallway baseboards and doorway trim has had one coat of paint put on (Will need two or three.)
✅ Wall touch up paint has been applied above a closet in MisterMoonbeam’s bedroom.

Tonight at bedtime, I had sex with MisterMoonbeam. I always feel so joyful with him! Again, no penetration other than with his fingers, but with him we also involved my hitachi so my toes were curling! He came all over my tits. This is really new to us. I really think stopping some of his medication has changed the blocks he had been experiencing somewhat. We talked about it afterward and we both feel good about it. Like, we’ve had sex twice this month where he actually climaxed. I think that’s happened a total of three times additionally over the two years we’ve been together! So that’s huge in our relationship! He’s still got a bunch of stuff to focus on in therapy, but it was a good thing. I love him so very much.


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Well, things are okay around here again. MinnieMouse came and saw me in person yesterday and we hung out for a few hours in the evening. She was very open and vulnerable with me about how things were happening, and her emotional struggles. I think we will be okay. Her and DreamerDude are going to come to SirGawain’s Super Soft Birthday Party on Saturday, so that should be a low-conflict sort of event.

Today I got a bunch of KN95 masks delivered, as well as some Covid tests to give out. The Health Department promises 1000 of each for me next week. We will see! I ran out of the 100 I had today in about 2 hours.


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I also meant to update that DarkKnight and I made our plans for Valentine’s Day and got them on the calendar. I’m going to do the same with SirGawain tonight.

I just finished our taxes - both DarkKnight’s and MisterMoonbeam’s. MisterMoonbeam owes, DarkKnight is getting cash back. Imma use it to change my name finally! I’m still saddled with PunkRock’s last name as my middle name. I will be so happy to have it gone.