Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

Well, I am off to play WarMachine today without M. This will be my first time at the game store without him, but C is meeting me there at noon to help me with my army. I offered to meet him for lunch prior, to see if he'd bite, giving him a good out to let me down easy, and he took it. So, either he's just a big flirt or he's scared of me. Either way, I think he's a dead end. Not upset in the least - I have made a good friend.

I joined a local sci-fi book club and went to a meeting Friday, and got asked out to a trivia game last night. I already play pub trivia 2 times a week, so it was super cool that 3 of the people in the book club play in the same league! They recognized me almost instantly and that was very cool. I'm famous! Heh. Anyway, the one chick I carpooled with was really nice, and we had great conversation coming back from trivia last night about dating and sex. The other two guys were very different - 1 seemed quiet and both times now he has been just staring at me from a distance and not engaging me directly. Not sure what that is about! The other guy has the same name as C, which is something I find funny - because I am silly - and he is definitely putting moves on me.

Before the book club was even finished he had friended me on Facebook, and he burned up my message feed most of the evening. Same thing during the day Saturday, and he complimented me and talked to me lots at trivia. Hilarious - he made a comment about liking the style of my shirt, and a friend of his said, "What? That it's low cut?" and the entire table burst into laughter. "We all can appreciate that!" Poor C2 was left floundering.

Anyway, after trivia he chatted with me on Facebook for at least 90 minutes, and he was laying it on pretty thick - saying how he noticed me back in July when he started playing trivia, and then again last week, and then this week he was looking and thinking about me at trivia. I was kinda like, in my head, thinking, seriously, you want me to buy the idea that even though you just met me on Friday, you noticed me and have been thinking about me for months? Um, ok.

Oh, and then this morning he messaged me the minute I logged in, and we chatted for about an hour. I had to cut him off to go get ready to leave. I don't know how I feel about this guy - he is nice enough, and a good conversationalist. I will see him again - with M - at trivia on Wednesday.

I was talking to my husband this morning about how I must have been naive for all these years, but before I started dating as poly, I was oblivious to guys. No clue that they weren't just being friendly, that they probably wanted to fuck me. D said that I am a dork and of course that has been the case. It kind of freaks me out a bit, but looking back, he is probably right.
 
So C kicked my butt at WarMachine, which I expected, but he taught me lots so that was cool.

Before heading home I realized I had an hour to kill before having to be back at the house to prepare for my party tonight, so I messaged M to see if he wanted to meet for that amount of time. He said that would be great, but then said he asked his wife and though she said sure, he thought she didn't mean it so he couldn't come.

Ergh!

I don't think it should be this difficult only 3 months in, should it? I told am from the get-go that I cannot handle a relationship where I am having to tiptoe around a metamour, and I need more than once a week face time to feel secure. I am especially feeling like crap right now because D is leaving this coming weekend for a business trip for a week. I was hoping that giving M an hour to see me briefly would help me feel better, but instead I am left feeling worse.

I feel more and more like he came into the relationship with the thought that his wife would be ok with him being poly, but from my point of view that isn't the case at all.
 
She let him come see you ON THEIR ANNIVERSARY.

She does have feelings wants and needs too.

I get you are emotional right now but to me you are coming across a bit selfish.
 
Let him? I didn't request that he do that, or that she let him. I thought they were both nuts. Still do. I told him the minute he mentioned it that we could reschedule and that we absolutely should.

I don't believe I am being selfish. I entered this relationship with the idea that he was going to be able to hold up his end - I need face to face; I can't do long distance relationships. I want someone who is able to see me more than once a week. He assured me it would be fine. So far, every week something has come up and he has to cancel and switch things around, or just not see me at all. I don't feel like I am a priority. I need to feel like I am. I have rescheduled with him, but it has always been to add more time, not to take away time. I have spoken to him about this, and he agrees this is the case. I told him, again and again, it feels like, that I do not want to be a booty call, and him coming over on one day, him sleeping over and then leaving, well, that says booty call to me.

I love him. I really, really do. I just don't know how to make my absolute need to see him more than once a week balance with what it is we have. I am not ready to break up with him, but it really is reaching the tipping point where emotionally I can't handle it.
 
If you want him in your life you are going to have to accept that due to life commitments on his end he can not be at your beck and call.

Honestly you have only been together 3 months. You all have not found your rhythm yet. You have more free time due to your lifestyle. He does not. They share a car.. have an older child who has to be taken too and from work.

At three months in I did not see Murf nearly as much as I do now. There is still some weeks I get to see him at midnight the night before sleep over but have to be home by 3 to get my kids off the bus.We live a half hour apart.

You need to decide if once a week is enough. This may be all he can give you. You have to ask yourself if he is worth it.
 
I have one vehicle. I have an older child who needs to be taken to and from work, who is special needs. I homeschool a teenager. Yes, I am a stay at home mom, but he is a stay at home dad. (His teen is the only, and youngest.) I actually have less time than he does, because I teach Chemistry 3 days a week and have to make room for that.

Obviously I know he has commitments. So do I. I try my best to work around them, but I don't feel I am getting the same consideration, because his wife pushes back. Or at least, that's the impression I get. Even when he sees me during the day, when she is at work, later there is a complaint. You are right - I need to decide if it is worth it. Right now I am hanging in there, because I am hoping it will get better, and he is most definitely worth it. But, if I only see him for once a week sex, to me that is not a relationship. I don't want that. He told me he wanted Polyfidelity, and that I would be as close to being a primary as possible. I do believe emotionally and sexually to him, I am - yes, even with just once a week sex. I want him to be a primary of mine too, but it means something different to me - he is not my emotional primary, because he isn't here, and he isn't my sexual primary, because he isn't here. Right now I am just as sexually unfulfilled as I was before being poly, because my husband was having sex with me twice a week, but now he's down to once a week, since M is here once a week. Sex with each guy is wonderful, but I need more - I crave more. I need emotional support. I need to know it is ok to call or message him when I am feeling down - but I can't. It kills me, because I want that closeness. He assures me he wants that. His wife admits he wants that and she says she is ok with he and I sharing that. But then, here I am, not getting what was agreed to.

So, yeah.
 
Then maybe this is not the relationship for you.
 
So far, yes and no. I am working at it. I want it to be.
 
Are you sure the wife is the road block.

Sometimes actions speak louder then words. If he was moving in the same direction as you he would find a way to meet your needs.

Trust me I put my foot down with Butch in regard to Murf early on.
 
Maybe, maybe not. Time will tell, I suppose. Sometimes I think that yes, her issues are causing problems, and then other times, I think it might just be him. I dunno. When we are together, I feel very supported and loved. Apart - not so much. That is an issue of mine though - even with my husband, if we go more than 3 days without physical touch, just a hug or snuggling, I start feeling anxious and detached. So with M, this happens every week. That is my part of the problem.

He says he will be able to make sure we don't go that long between dates, but yet, it keeps happening. I am going to talk with him again Wednesday. Since my husband is leaving for a week soon, I am going to have a difficult time if they both are not around. Sigh.
 
Bluebird said:
Before heading home I realized I had an hour to kill before having to be back at the house to prepare for my party tonight, so I messaged M to see if he wanted to meet for that amount of time. He said that would be great, but then said he asked his wife and though she said sure, he thought she didn't mean it so he couldn't come.
Click to expand...

IMO it's not really her issues that are the problem here. I think you should talk to him about not bringing the communication with his wife into your relationship. Why would he tell you this?
 
Maybe seeing you more than once a week puts a financial burden on his family. But he/they are too embarrassed to say that.

There could be multiple reasons why he can't get out more.

He is a stay at home dad with a teen at home maybe his wife is angry that she is the only one working. He gets to play warmachine, go to trivia night, and have sexy time with you.. She maybe just be burnt out.

Or he needs to step back and he is too chicken to say so.
 
Today I started a discussion about C2 with M. The reason being that C2 talked to me lots again last night and made comments that were hinting at he wants to ask me out to a movie on Thursday - something like "I have been thinking about going to this particular show, but didn't want to go alone." I ignored it and then we talked about other things. Those other things being about how he liked some of the things I did at trivia, and how he enjoys lying in front of fireplaces on thick blankets. Yeah. He said that. lol

So, I let M know this was happening.

I am flattered, but I am not thinking I really want this to go any place. I am ambivalent about the guy, because we haven't spent a lot of time together yet. I think I wrote that he was nice. He's smart, for sure, a good conversationalist when he isn't laying it on with lines, and he looks ok. *shrugs* We have a lot in common so far. His biggest positive at the moment is how close he lives to me. But the guy I was dating before M had all those qualities as well. I don't think C2 is offering me anything unique.

And because of me being so uncertain with M in my mind right now, I think I would want someone unique to even really consider dating a 3rd. If anything, I want to drop even flirting and focus on dealing with this time issue with M. I feel we just had a good discussion about it. He says he wants the same things I have been saying I need, so I hope we can work it out.
 
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Actions speak louder than words.

Anyone can tell you what you want to hear.
 
I agree with that.

Next week is going to be really bad for me too - have to keep my mind off the fact that my husband is gone on a business trip. M hasn't said anything about coming over to offer any sort of companionship during that time, so I'm thinking he isn't going to do anything at all. I am hesitant to ask, and that makes me feel a little hurt and a little angry too. Why should I be anxious about asking my boyfriend to come keep me company while my husband is gone? I should feel excited, but instead I feel despondent, because I can already hear the reasons why he can't. Honestly, I don't expect him to be able to come for overnights, but at least some cuddling on the couch. Right now I just don't see it happening.
 
When Butch was out of town on a family emergency and I was upset. Murf showed up to spend those days with me and my boys because he knew I was upset

He may not always verbally express what he feels but he does show me everyday.

When Murf's dad was hospitalized you better believe I was there to provide support to him and his family.
 
This morning I awoke feeling down and depressed. M was stressed last night (he has an anxiety disorder) but we worked through the scheduling that was giving him fits. His best friend (the one who doesn't like him being poly) was crashing at his place, so I won't see him today. Tuesdays are usually his hang out day with his friend, so that was expected, though he told me yesterday that if things fell through we could maybe have a short visit. I really was hoping we could because it has now been almost a week since I've seen him and that is just not a good thing for my emotional health.

I am trying to remain calm and not do the whole tit for tat comparison thing. I honestly think M believes that everything is ok between us because he IMed me and that should make us ok. It isn't. I feel like not having seen him is ramping up my responses to how I am feeling and it's creating this negative circle where every time I think about our relationship, it just seems broken. I need to see some changes happening. I will never be happy if what we have now stays this way.
 
Had a pep talk with my friend and I am feeling better. I have 5 positive affirmations and after repeating 2 of them, my mood is much improved.

I take charge of my life. I choose to be happy.

Focusing on my fun girls night planned for later - pub trivia where we are all dressed up in our group Halloween costumes. We are all going as mixed drinks. I am a White Russian - wool ear flap hat with a red star in the center, white cami, white overshirt, white pants, white strappy heels and bright red toenails. Going to paint my toenails in a second, but I also need to go get my bangs trimmed. They are ridiculously long at the moment. I need to color my hair too, but that will have to wait - it is too dangerous to color my hair red and then wear all white! Actually, for me, just wearing all white is a dangerous proposition. Such a slob!
 
One is going as a virgin rum and coke - all brown with childish makeup and a huge bow in her hair, a fuzzy navel, and then various color combinations of beers and labels. :)
 
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