Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

M called me tonight and I am not certain we really made a lot of headway. He feels I am being too inflexible with scheduling, while I believe I have no say. I told him the difference between us is when I ask to make changes, it has always been to add time in, whereas he takes time out. I think he did see what I meant by that.

I did feel reassured that he loves me and wants to keep seeing me. He said when I get upset about scheduling, he feels like it is coming from nowhere, because he's in love with me and feels incredibly secure and that we have this strong bond. I told him I feel the opposite - I feel vulnerable and insecure, like he could drop me at any second.

He did say he doesn't like this drama, which I told him I disliked as well, but really him saying that just made me feel worse and probably less likely to communicate concerns. I told him that too.

D told me tonight he thought overall I have been very happy, and he is happy for me. However, because of the ongoing issues over scheduling, it is clear I need more face time, or at least consistent time, with M. He said if I didn't love him, he'd advise me to move on. Which is my own resolution, actually. But I do love M, very much so.

D says he believes M is being truthful - he does love me and doesn't understand the depth of my insecurities. D doesn't think I have cause to be insecure, because I could be dating someone much better than M. He likes M, but thinks I am dating beneath me. He also said he has always felt that way about himself too, actually. Silly man. Anyway, no way would M dump me, etc. because M thinks that too.

I wish I could believe that, but I don't see it. M is pretty fucking awesome. So is my hubby. :) I honestly love them both intensely and completely, in no way thinking they are below me. Really? That is laughable. Sigh. He may just be saying those things to bolster me.

The good news is that next week M plans to get a replacement vehicle, finally, so he says he will be able to schedule things with more certainty. It would certainly take care of my issues of him being so far away and our scheduling problems.

I am hanging in there. I really do not want to end this. I just don't want to feel like I am his least priority. I mean, even if I am - just don't let me feel it.

My period did start tonight too, ugh.
Yeah, it wasn't the only day. They have other plans on Tuesday already.
M and I ended up spending the entire afternoon together - I just got home. I think we both understand each other's positions better now, thank goodness. I seriously love this guy something wonderful. We mostly hung out at the park, just sitting, snuggling and talking. I told him pretty much everything I had written, last night, and we talked a bunch about it all. I feel like we are in a better place.

It is crazy to me to think how at the start of being poly, I was convinced I would have no issues with scheduling, because I am a calendar wizard. I never thought about my partner throwing a wrench in the works! Hopefully from now on we will have a smoother time of things.

When I am with M, I spend a lot of time just being overwhelmed by his presence - he is that intoxicating to me. How this man finds me to be a perfect fit for him, I dunno, but he is great for me.

He told me if there is one thing he dislikes about me is that I am "a pretty, pretty princess." He said he could never treat me like my husband does - apparently he thinks my husband does everything for me and treats me like a queen. Well, yeah, he does. But I am not asking M to do any of those things - which he acknowledges. He just wanted me to know he thinks D does too much for me. I thought he was going to say he dislikes my insecurity, so this was sort of a surprise.
The canceling of time together would bug me too.

Right now Murf is picking up overtime where ever he can. For example this Tuesday. It isactually a day we would get solo due to Butch being off. But in its place he wants to see me Monday night for an overnight.
Friday which is our weekend together he wants to work a half shift. But he still wants me to come so he can crawl in bed with me after work.

Sometimes things come up but if he isn't rescheduling our making compromises especially in the honeymoon phase I would begin to wonder.
This was the first time he didn't offer a "makeup date." Mostly, he says, because I had let him know I could stop by to see him for a couple hours Friday afternoon while my daughter was at a birthday party. This to me was a bonus time, but he saw it as sufficient to take the place of an entire 10 am to overnight date. Um, no. We are on the same page now - or at least understand each other better. His friend apparently does need some boost time, and it is because of me. He doesn't approve of M having a girlfriend, or at least M thinks that is the issue, and so he wants to have a couple of bro days to hang out and talk about it. This is his best friend. I wish he had said so from the get go - I would still have been upset, but not as emo. He promises that things will be discussed more thoroughly in the future.

So, I am ok. And I am still going to get the overnight part of Wednesday, so that is good. Even though I'm on my period, I still want snuggle time.
I am still going to get the overnight part of Wednesday, so that is good. Even though I'm on my period, I still want snuggle time.

Remember what I said about using the diaphragm to hold back the blood!;)

Instead menstrual cup also allows you to have sex while on your period. Best invention ever.
Magdlyn - how do you not turn into a bloodbath when trying to remove it x number of hours later?
I guess it depends on how heavy your flow is. I don't recall ever seeing more than ... 2 tablespoons maybe? But then, I didn't enjoy sex on the first 2 or 3 days, I just wanted to be left alone to bleed and cramp.

I guess if your flow is really heavy, wear a pad as well after sex. It's not gonna splash all over the bathroom floor when you remove it! It should be well clotted.
Well, Wednesday should be my last day, and that means just light spotting anyway. I am interested to try it, for sure. :)
I was supposed to sleep in today, but I woke up at the asscrack of dawn and now I am just !AWAKE! and can't do anything about it. Sigh.

I have a pretty hefty to-do list today, and right now I am procrastinating brain research. :) I teach a co-op homeschool class most Thursdays, and this month I am lead on a class about the brain. I have 4 sheep brains chilling in my refrigerator, so tomorrow the 11 teens I teach will be doing some dissection, but other than that, I have no curriculum set yet. I really should not have left it until the last minute, but I am still not motivated to do anything!

Monday I started teaching high school Chemistry 3 times a week, but that at least I have planned out for the year!

I messaged with M last night, and I guess he never directly addressed issues with his best friend. This made me a bit anxious, since that was the reason he had said he wanted to not do a make-up day with me on Tuesday. I didn't dwell on it though. Whatever, I guess. His friend will be coming over tonight to play pub trivia with M and I and some other friends. I am not thrilled about that though, because M said that he phrased it to his friend like it was mandatory. I don't know at all if his friend dislikes me personally or if it is just the whole idea of polyamory in general, but if he doesn't want to be there, I will be very uncomfortable. Trivia is something I really enjoy doing and I don't want that ruined for me. I mean, I am probably going to be guarded with my interactions with M now. I don't want to be, but I am going to be on edge. The friend's girlfriend will be there as well though, and she played trivia with me last week, loved it and is actually coming over to see me before trivia tonight. So maybe she can smooth things out as a bridge. I dunno.

My regular, long-term trivia team is slowly becoming more stressful. I play Tuesday nights usually, and lately I have just felt this undercurrent of tension between my friends. None of them ask me how I am doing, or about D or M. No one mentions M! And if I make a comment about him, or going to his town on a particular day, I see that they seem uncomfortable. I am starting to feel a bit on guard with them, and it makes me sad. I am going to try and make a more concerted effort to focus on those relationships in a positive way, so they can see this fact about me hasn't changed how we are with each other.

I am missing M a lot today. I did see him on Sunday, but 3 days is just about the maximum I can go without feeling disconnected from a partner. I need physical presence. I just do. Thankfully, I filled up my day with errands and work so I won't be sad that I'm not seeing him as usual. Well, I mean I will be sad - I am already - but I won't have time to wallow in it and instead will be focused on other activities in a more healthy way.

Edited to say that I finally uploaded a couple of pictures to my profile. They are from earlier this month though, prior to me cutting my hair and having bangs. For some reason, my newer photos flip sideways and I can't edit them here. Oh well!
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Got a couple of the short hair pics to behave in my profile. Feh.
Wow. Can I just say again that sexy times with M are just SO incredible? We came back to my house after not winning trivia and decided we were way too tired to fool around, and we'd just snuggle. This also made sense since even though my period was on its last legs, I still was uh, brownish up there. So we snuggled, got comfortable, made out and then just let the dam burst and had sex until 2 am. No penetration, but crazy awesome feel good fun times. I believe that is the official name, no?

Then again this morning, where I woke him up, couldn't stop myself and just climbed on. The emotional sharing and love I feel for him is just as intense as the orgasms. I could watch him watching me for hours.

Tomorrow I was planning on seeing him for a couple hours while my daughter was at a laser tag birthday party, but plans have been in flux again. I am going to see him a wee bit earlier, and we are going to go to a 24 hour WarMachine event. I am already exhausted, so after I finish writing this I am going to crash hard.

My hubby and I had a romantic date tonight at a new cafe - we ate al fresco since it was such a beautiful night. Then we went to Starbucks and talked for about an hour. It was nice to reconnect with him after such a busy day today.

Tomorrow plans to be just as nuts - I am hoping to sleep in until 8, shower and then do a crap ton of errands, before teaching Chemistry. Then more errands and time with M at the WarMachine Event.

Sunday I will probably sleep most of the day! :)
M won the WarMa event and I learned lots! It was a lot of anxiety for me at first, because it was a room full of guys and I'd only played a few times previously. So, I felt like everyone was watching me. As the night progressed though, I didn't much care anymore. Lol I made tons of stupid mistakes, but I can say that I felt that during the very last game, I started feeling confident. Yay me!

M is planning to come over on Wednesday and bring his Khador army, because at the moment, that is who I think I am most interested in purchasing myself. We will see!

I met a really nice younger guy last night. I felt like we hit it off well - he was very friendly and gave me good advice. He made some jokes about me being poly and told me he had an SUV right outside. Heh. I told him that poly doesn't mean promiscuous. Honestly, he was young and very nerdy, but geeky guys have always appealed to me. That said, it wasn't even real flirting, and don't anticipate anything coming of our meeting. M and I joked about this guy liking me on the beginning of our drive home though. It felt nice to feel attractive, even if it was to a tabletop gaming.guy. :D

The rest of the drive home didn't go as well as we were both exhausted. I had to pullover and let M drive. After we got to his house, he made me promise to go to the park and ride and sleep some in my van before going home, but I didn't. In retrospect, I absolutely should have, but I made it home ok. D said I was crying, emotional and insistent that he message M and tell him that I was home safe, and that there were hobos at the park and ride. Then apparently I passed out in the bed almost instantly.

Guess pulling overnighters isn't something I can do with gracefulness anymore.

D was upset and wanted to know why I wouldn't go sleep on M's couch - how could he just let me leave when I was clearly in no shape to drive? I told him the truth - M's wife has been very clear that she is uncomfortable with the idea of me being in her house because she is self-conscious about their housing being less than ideal. D said he thought it would have been less than ideal if I had wrecked the van. I told him though, that the decision to drive in that state was my own and to not be upset.

I definitely won't be doing that again though. Holy crap. Next time, hotel all the way!
Just wanted to make a note of some interesting things that I've heard about my ex-boyfriend. The other night at trivia, he told my husband that he thought my new haircut was great and that I was looking really good. D said he was very surprised, because they weren't talking about me at all, and there was nothing that he could see had prompted him to start a conversation about me. Whatever. This was the guy who told me I was overweight and very unattractive to him, and that he had been forcing himself to try and like me. :rolleyes:

Then, when I was at the WarMachine overnight, he brought my son home from work (he is buddy-buddy with my 24 year old son and my husband!). Apparently he made comments then about me being out all night with a guy. Again, whatever.

M says he thinks my ex is regretting breaking up with me and wants me back. I don't think that is the case. I think he is just amazed I have been able to keep M interested. Like, he doesn't want to date me, but he thinks I should stay monogamous with D.
I'm so glad overnights with M are working out and the diaphragm too. Keep posting I love the updates!!!
You need to update too, Ali! :)

Well, today is the 2 month marker for M and I. He is sick, but feeling better today, and hopefully we will be spending the day together tomorrow. The night too. :) He and his wife are buying a working car tomorrow - when I pick him up, I will be transporting her to the dealership.

This weekend I am hoping for us to get a hotel room either Friday or Saturday night, but our finances are all wonky because of the government shutdown. My husband is still getting a paycheck, but we get cash from the Feds in the middle of the month for other reasons, and there's a possibility it won't show. So, things are up in the air about our weekend. I hope M is feeling better by then and the money shows up like it is supposed to do! I want a hot tub suite!

There is a poly meetup in DC at the end of the month that I wanted to go to, but again, finances might stop that from happening. I have only marked it in my mind, but when I see M and H tomorrow, I am going to mention it. I think it would be fun to attend with H.
A guy at trivia that I like and respect called me a cheater last night. Ugh. My friends and I were seated next to the bar, and he came over and asked if we were all married, because one of us was making a joke about us being trophy wives. (All of us are stay at home moms who don't work.) When I said I was married, but open, he asked, "What do you mean?"

I said, "I have a husband and a boyfriend."

He said, " Oh, you're a cheater."

"No, my husband knows and is ok with it."

"A cheater."

Ugh. The conversation ended at that point because trivia started up again, but it soured some of the night for me, that's for sure.

Oh well, if I have time next week, I will talk to him, but it isn't as if we are close. If he is determined to be ignorant though, I'm not sure if I care to even try to accomplish anything. Still, it sucks to suddenly be called dishonest. I wasn't expecting that. A good reminder that being poly isn't mainstream in my neck of the woods!
People like to use their own definitions, regardless of what the words actually mean.

I'm sorry you had to deal with that ignorance.