Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

A guy at trivia that I like and respect called me a cheater last night. Ugh. My friends and I were seated next to the bar, and he came over and asked if we were all married, because one of us was making a joke about us being trophy wives. (All of us are stay at home moms who don't work.) When I said I was married, but open, he asked, "What do you mean?"

I said, "I have a husband and a boyfriend."

He said, " Oh, you're a cheater."

"No, my husband knows and is ok with it."

"A cheater."

Ugh. The conversation ended at that point because trivia started up again, but it soured some of the night for me, that's for sure.

Oh well, if I have time next week, I will talk to him, but it isn't as if we are close. If he is determined to be ignorant though, I'm not sure if I care to even try to accomplish anything. Still, it sucks to suddenly be called dishonest. I wasn't expecting that. A good reminder that being poly isn't mainstream in my neck of the woods!

That is definitely an UGH - I had a guy tell me on okc that it wouldn't be fair to him to date me because I couldn't marry him nor would I have kids with him. He kept asking controversial questions I just started to ignore him.;)
Another wonderful Wednesday with M.

I had to transport his wife to a car dealership in the morning, and we three had lunch together as well, so I was able to experience a lot more of their relationship dynamic than I ever had. It was eye opening, for sure! The event was certainly a stressful one for both of them - the new car buying, not the lunch lol - and they were very snippy at each other. I told M later that I could not handle a relationship like that between myself and someone else - so totally not my style. It's not that it was terrible or anything, just the way they talked to each other was different than the way I operate and deal with things. He told me that yeah, our relationship is very different.

But yes, good news - I won't have to drive so much anymore, because M will have a car! W00t! It is hard to imagine having a calm Thursday morning, where I don't have to race to get him home so I can be back in time to teach at co-op!

I am still hoping to go to a hotel tomorrow night. We have been talking about it, and right now I am waiting to hear back from M if he got a green light with H. Earlier he texted me that he was just waiting to figure out with her their son's work schedule. I need a rest day, so I hope it does work out. Though, in the morning I have to drive my son to work, take the car for an oil change, teach a 2 hour chem class, AND visit the planetarium with my daughter, before heading over to see M. I am demanding a room with a hot tub. I need it! (I am paying, so this means I will get it. :D )
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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

Oy! M and I drove out to a hotel on Friday night and I did get my in-room hot tub! We actually got a huge suite and it was great to have that time together. We went to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner, visited a nearby casino (I lost $20, he won $10) and then spent 3 hours just soaking in the hot tub and talking. Of course, amazing hours of sexy times followed and we slept well.

Saturday morning we played WarMachine together - actually, for most of the day. Overall, it was the most amazing time and we were so connected, it was great!

Unfortunately, I drank too much at dinner and had to be driven home like a child last night, with his wife following behind so he could get back to his house. It was really terrible. We talked today, and all is well, thank goodness. I definitely screwed up - I am a lightweight with alcohol and the first drink I had was actually over my limit, just by itself, in retrospect.

My husband will probably be sent out of country for almost all of November and I am feeling very stressed about it. I don't do well when he is gone for more than a couple of days, and a month is giving me anxiety just thinking about it. M and I have talked and he is going to try and support me with some outings during that time period.

Oh! M & H's son knows about their polyness now, and he knows M is dating me. He seems to have a healthy attitude about it, but in wake of my ridiculousness last night, I forgot to ask M about things this morning. H had messaged M while we were out at the hotel that their son asked, finally, and that they had a conversation.
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I woke up early today, feeling anxious and out of sorts. There is no real reason for this, though I am hoping to see M today. He and his wife are supposed to pick up the new car today, and he was going to come over and play WarMachine with my son. They haven't heard from the dealership all weekend though, and it doesn't open until 9:30, so if it isn't ready, he won't be coming over. This isn't an issue for me though - I will be home, but I can't hang out because I am teaching two back-to-back Chemistry classes, 10-12, 1-3. The teens have a quiz and then a lab as well. So I won't be able to get all snugly, as I would like. Still, here I am feeling all out of sorts. I will see him for sure on Wednesday, so I am not certain why I am feeling this way. I need a hug.
Well, M's car wasn't ready yesterday, and today isn't looking good either. D and I had a nice dinner date last night but I haven't had sex since Friday and I am starting to feel anxious. I still need a hug.

I have been awake since 3 am because I went to bed really early. So much for getting more sleep - the amount is the same; all I am doing is changing the time I am getting it. Ugh.

Overall I am feeling out of sorts. Though M has reassured me over messaging that all is well, I need a reconnection physically since we parted under such stressful terms Saturday night. My husband and I are fine too, but he is not interested in sexing me up lately and so it seems my needs are again at cross-purposes with what is available to me right now.

Am I just too needy? I think I am really up front with both my guys about the contact I need but I still feel like I am floundering and not fulfilled. It makes me feel selfish when I think about it. I am still feeling loads of NRE for M and excitement and love with D. Why isn't this enough?
I am really contemplating opening up to my parents and siblings in NY about being poly. I need to think it through some more though. I know my mother will be appalled and be quick to heap religious judgment on me. My sister will talk tons of trash about me, just because she feeds on drama. My brother won't care. I think they will all chill out long enough to meet M though, if only to be able to talk about us later.

Sigh. I am going to NY in December to run a Christmas charity that I helped to found years ago, and I would like to bring M with me. I want him to meet my oldest daughter, who is excited about meeting him, and my best friend. I cannot and will not keep him stashed away at a hotel like a dirty secret if he travels with me, when I spend time with my extended relatives.

I need to talk to him some more, and to my husband.
Had a hiccup with M last night while we were out wth a friend. He and the friend were discussing time at M's house and some other people that were there. All of the names I had heard previously, except one, and M was talking about how this person had joined their gaming group. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, because we had just had a series of discussions as to why I wasn't allowed over to his home. It was assured to me again and again that it had nothing to do with me personally, just that his wife was embarrassed about their home and no one new was allowed over at all. H actually sent me a message spelling out exactly the 4 people were that she had allowed over in the last four years and how it wasn't personal.

Then I hear about this person who out of the blue is spending time there now.

I had to excuse myself immediately to collect myself in the restroom. It felt like a HUGE slap in the face. I didn't cause any drama or anything, just left the table.

Later, M remarked he thought I seemed upset and I told him that I was, a little, but that we could discuss it later. He continued to press me and I told him how I felt and he said it wasn't a big deal, that this person had been in his house before. I pointed out he was never mentioned, ever in his explanations or his wife's message. He told me they both had forgotten.

Sigh. When we got back to my house to spend the night I told him I still felt hurt, because it was sprung on me suddenly and seemed like a lie. However, I was determined to not make a big deal about it - I am not going to force myself over to someone's house if they don't want me there, and ultimately it isn't worth breaking up over. It's stupid. It is hurtful to me because of the way it came out, but whatever. He reiterated that the person had been there before and maybe someday I could come over. Again, whatever. I got over it - seriously, I just had to gain control over the suddenness of it at the restaurant, and then we had a discussion about it.

We had a great night together in my bedroom and again this morning. We are going to play a WarMachine on Saturday with my son.

Honestly right now when I think about things, it does sting still. I am not going to dwell on it though, because there is just no point.
Oh, another thing I wanted to mention is that on Wednesday night, my ex's mom - yes, his mother - kinda cornered me in the bathroom and asked me several questions: how were things going in my life, was I happy with my new guy, did I ever think I'd get back together with her son? Aiyiyi! Overall, I found it comical, but I couldn't really focus because of the feelings I was trying to get under control with the other situation. I told M about it.

Today was a good day - played WarMachine with M, and he played a game with my son. Cute nerdy guy - I will call him C - was there again and he flirted with me quite shamelessly. I flirted back. I do like him a lot, I think. Only, he's a smoker and leaving the country in February AND he is almost 10 years younger than me. Of course, M is 10 years older than me. M made a joke again about me hooking up with C, but I dismissed it. I asked my daughter today, how many boyfriends is too many and she told me, that is kinda up to the guys, isn't it? Meaning, I guess, they would reduce their own number if they were feeling neglected.

Eh. I like C from what I know of him, and I know I will see him again on Thursday, but I dunno about dating him. I am still glowing and head over heels for M. I am not sure if I would be ok with splitting more of my time. Also, maybe he is just a big flirt. M doesn't think so, though. He thinks if I said jump, C would in a second.

And C has a girlfriend of like 6 or 7 months. He says she is not willing to have sex with him, and that won't change, and that they have agreed that he can have relationships when he leaves the country. They aren't going to stay together. Not sure if she would feel the same way if he wanted to open now...

Also, at what point would poly stop being ok and just be promiscuity on my part? Other people don't worry about that, maybe, but I do. I can still count on one hand the number of guys I have slept with in my life. It bothers me. I need to think on that more. It doesn't seem to have a rational reason behind it, why it should be bothersome.

Oh, bother.

It does feel awful strange to be sitting, cradled in my husbands arms, squee-ing on the inside because I am thinking of how very much I love M, and then pausing those thoughts to smile about C.

Seriously, I think I need to take a chill pill!
Also, at what point would poly stop being ok and just be promiscuity on my part? Other people don't worry about that, maybe, but I do. I can still count on one hand the number of guys I have slept with in my life. It bothers me. I need to think on that more. It doesn't seem to have a rational reason behind it, why it should be bothersome.

Well, I am not concerned about "promiscuity..." It's up to me how many people I have sex with.

But, for me, more than 2 partners at a time is a hard balancing act. I've had 3 and 4 at a time. It only works if I see partners 3 and 4 irregularly and kind of casually. There is only so much of me to go around, and only so many days in the week. I've been mostly content to have only had 2 partners since May of 2012. I met Ginger in Jan of 2012 and our relationship is fulfilling to the point I don't seem to need another guy. I did see someone else the first few months of knowing Ginger, but it was hard... only saw him every other week for a few hours, no sleepovers. That was all I could manage. I didn't feel it was fair to Guy 2 to be able to see me so seldom. He wanted more.

It's all very well to fall in love with 2, 3 or more. It's another thing entirely to healthfully manage more than 2 relationships. Sadly, some people who are doing that only *think* they are doing it well.
Yeah, C lives about an hour and a half away, so any relationship we have would be long distance and more casual. I am not sure if I could handle that - I am already having difficulties with M being 40 minutes away. I know I would see C at least once a week, but that is just when I go play WarMachine with M. That isn't a relationship! We would have to work something out. I do have Tuesdays free now, and though M initially seemed excited about that, nothing has come of it with us.

Also, maybe C really is just a shameless flirt. He might not be looking to date me at all. I need to talk to M more too. He made a comment a week or so ago about being glad C smoked, because before I realized that, he was getting worried. Then he laughed. So I am not at all sure about his feelings on the subject. However, he has made several - well, at least 3 - comments about how I should sleep with and date C.

Oh wow, do I love M! I wouldn't want to hurt him for the world, much less C. I don't know C well at all, at this point. Just thinking about M gets me all squee and smiley.

Gah! Total new topic. M messaged me last night because our plans for the week are Wednesday date day, sleepover and then Thursday playing WarMachine (where I will see C). Apparently, Wednesday is his 10 year wedding anniversary. I was like, dude, we need to reschedule! He went around and around - apparently his son works M, T, Th and F, so he couldn't come over any other evening, so if he stays with his wife on Wednesday, the two of us won't have time together. I told him he needed to be with her, so his suggestion was maybe have her go out with us Wednesday night! I told him that would make me feel VERY uncomfortable. He finally came back and said he thinks they are going to celebrate on the weekend, so our plans could remain the same. I asked him - wouldn't he be weirded out, sleeping with me on his wedding anniversary?! He said he didn't know. I told him to get back to me with firm plans.

Just wow.
Well, I guess M is planning to come spend all day and night with me on Wednesday, even though that is his 10th wedding anniversary. H doesn't mind, I have been told. Whatever - if it were me, I would be upset if D even suggested being away. Especially in this instance, there isn't even anything special planned, just a regular date day. I guess it just shows how strange their relationship is to me. I couldn't fathom being apart.

Then again, I could, with my ex-husband. We never did anything special for our anniversary or on my birthday. I see now it was because he was a self-centered jerk. I don't think it's the same issue here though, but still, I guess I can sorta understand it. All I can say is that no way would I want to be apart from D on our anniversary.

Oh, and this is ten years for them! Goodness.
Hi Blue-glad you are happy. I just caught myself up on your blog. Sorry to hear D will be gone all of next month. As far as coming out to family when you go up North, what do D & M think about it? Choices...those don't make you promiscuous but managing time for yourself and your current partners is where I would be most concerned with and if you need more sex and can continue with meeting the needs of the men, then why not but it's your needs that should be your deciding factor. Hugs and keep blogging, I love reading it
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Finally! I couldn't log in or post at all yesterday - I guess the site was having issues.

Got punched in the gut last night again and went to bed feeling all out of sorts. Last night was M's game night at home, and in the middle of it, H messages me and then lets me know that one of the guys brought his girlfriend over. Yeah, nice. So that's two new people who have been allowed in their house, though I am still barred from attending, because supposedly H doesn't want anyone but the original 4 people over. Whatever. The entire situation would almost be a joke if I wasn't left feeling so disrespected and marginalized. At this point, why not just organize a fucking open Facebook party evite and have the whole world over.

So yeah, I know everyone there. These are people I would hang out with and do hang out with at other times, but I am not allowed or invited when things are happening at M's house. And I am just supposed to swallow the idea it is because H can't handle having anyone new over? New meaning someone who has never been inside her home before. Clearly, this isn't the case. Clearly, it is just me.

I can't stand the fact that I am supposed to act as if I believe this horseshit, because that is what this looks like to me - horseshit. At least be truthful. Fuck. I could handle things better if M and H were being honest. Instead, I am just left upset and hurt.

I don't want to fight. I didn't say anything to H when she told me this fact about the new girl joining the game. I just went to bed. M didn't say good night to me, or anything, but I suppose that is fair because I didn't say boo to him either. I messaged him this morning to say sorry for not saying good night and that I love him.

I don't know if I should say anything at all. I want to be honest about how I am feeling, but I don't want to cause drama. I have no idea how to resolve these feelings though.
Have you ever asked him or his wife the real reason why you are not allowed in their home? I am picky like that. There are certain people who will never be allowed to enter my home. Some of my own relatives fit that tab.

The only way you can resolve it is to discuss the feelings surrounding it with him or her directly. Try not to make it about anyone else but you. Do not start off with, "Such and such was there on Wednesday, and the week before xyz was there." Stick to the facts and the basics. Obviously it is bothering you, and it needs to be addressed. I have never heard of a rule like that.

I advise people to date as many people as they can manage in a healthy way. I have seen people who took on too many relationships and lost themselves. They ended up burning out and stretching themselves beyond their means. I would not advise that. I have no idea what constitutes promiscuity. If it feels right and you have the time, go for it.
If your bf's wife wants to keep you out of her territory, she has every right. Even if she likes you, she may want to keep things separate. It's only been 2-3 months.

Some people make up excuses because they can't admit things, even to themselves.

I'd step back and try not to take it personally.
I am sure that is it, Magdlyn. The reason I think it upsets me so is because neither of them are being truthful to me, or to themselves. I wonder where else this trait may surface. It is very hurtful to me and for the most part, I am able to not take it personally, but when several times now their stated reasons don't match up with what is happening, yet they continue to insist that they are being truthful, it just pisses me off.

Honestly, straight up, if I were told, this is her space, she feels threatened, she needs to have it girlfriend-free, I would understand and deal. However, I am told numerous times that no, that isn't the case. I guess I should read the actions instead of the words, I suppose.

I need to not react so emotionally. It just makes me feel devalued when I take it personally.
There in lies the problem. Is it that you need to hear it? I am reading between the lines, and it is apparent how she/they really feel.

Truthfully, I would be the same way. I would not allow metamours in my home, and I would tell them straight up. There would be no need for them to be in my house, around my children, in my bed, or leaving any possessions in my home. I think it is a wonderful thing that my husband is not poly.
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Honestly Bluebird she owes you NO explanation as to why you are not allowed to go to their home. She says no drop it for Goodness sake. Someone is trying to spare your feelings. You are being too pushy on the subject. I get it you are all head over heels but give this couple some space without you in it.

Butch is not comfortable with Murf in his turf. He has opened up a bit on the subject. But he prefers Murf not invade his turf. Knowing that the lions share of the time I spend with Murf is elsewhere. It is not that Butch dislikes Murf they are friends.

Let the subject go the more you push the more likely it will backlash.
Well, I don't believe I am being pushy because it isn't like I am bringing it up all the time. I am not demanding anything - I am just asking for honesty.

Anyway, I went to visit M this afternoon, and we had some discussion. Apparently H has decided to no longer worry about things, and I can come over. We had more talk about their anniversary too.

M asked me to come over and talk to his son about homeschooling, so I did, and ended up driving him to work.

Again, I don't actually think I am even going to visit his house much - that was never really the issue here. I don't intend to be in anyone's possessions, or in their bed. But it was distressing to know that if ever I needed to use the restroom, I would be expected to drive 15 minutes down the road to a McDonalds. To me, it was also about being truthful about why things were the way they were, and to not be disrespected by what felt was rubbing it in my face, by saying one thing and then having that not be the case at all. Now that it has been dealt with in the open, I feel better.
M and I had a really good time together both Wednesday and Thursday. Wednesday he basically hung out at my house and painted some WarMachine models while I was teaching my daughter Algebra 2 and went over some essays she had written. (I homeschool.) We had some snuggle time on the loveseat and went to trivia that night and played as a two-pack and lost in a spectacular fashion. :)

Sex was wonderful, as always. He finally put it in my pooper, which I love, but my husband isn't into it, so it had been 6 years or so for me. I was nervous about it, but I encouraged him and it went awesome.

Oh! I started my period that night, so I decided to use my diaphragm as a catch-all, as suggested. It worked awesome and I kept it in all night. That morning it was totally fucking gross. Seriously - Black brown clots and I had to clean it. BLECH. Never again! lmao

Thursday we spent the day together playing WarMachine at the hobby shop. It was strange to have Thursday with him, because normally I teach a science class at a co-op and then a Chemistry class in the evening. For this week and next, I have the entire day free though. Also, Thursday night is date night for M and H, so I have never scheduled anything on those nights with M - they are as important to H as Wednesday nights are to me!

That said, M made a comment the other day about how he and H were arguing and she brought up about how he gave up one Thursday for me. This was the first time he came to my house - it was for a Star Wars trivial pursuit game that I had scheduled before I even met him, and several people were attending. I reminded him of that fact, and he said yeah, he knows, but she brought it up because she was frustrated. I find that kind of shitty.

Also, when we were snuggling on the loveseat on Wednesday afternoon, he was checking his emails with me in his lap, and he was reading some of them to me - spam and the like. There was one that was a message from H that he didn't mean for me to see, and didn't realize what it was. I only glanced at it, and saw that the first line said something like, "when you were off playing sweet family with Bluebird..."

Ugh. I asked him about it immediately, of course, and he flipped off of it super fast and was extremely evasive. I didn't ask to read the rest, because I don't want to feel terrible. He said that it was a message she wrote on Tuesday because she was having a bad day and had come home to find the dishes not done. Why weren't they finished? Because he was out with me unexpectedly. He said he told her that it didn't matter that he was with me, that he wouldn't have done them anyway, because he was painting his miniatures nonstop.

The more that M talks about it, I really think H is struggling with his version of poly with me. I know she had issues about us being polyfi and not using condoms, and she was "concerned" with how quickly and how strongly M loved me. M says she is going to a play party tonight, so hopefully she will be able to work through some of her issues with her friends in that scene. I think that it is normal that when they argue now, they make it about me. I find that very worrisome. M says that it isn't a problem, that we are strong. So, ok.

On Thursday at the hobby shop, C showed up later in the evening. By that point, M was playing against someone else in his league, so I had time to chat a bit with C. I made a point to go say hi and say a couple of things to him, but someone came over and started talking to him, so I retreated and started sorting cards at my station, and then watch M's game. All of a sudden, C was at my arm, and he talked for a good 20 minutes about his new game, and answered some personal questions while we chatted about his military career. Then he went over my card lists, and helped me pick some good jacks.

After that, we split apart and both went about, watching other games, chatting with others, etc. From time to time, he would call me over to point out something, and I would go over and see what he was looking at. Overall, it was a very friendly interaction. I wouldn't say any of it was romantic or suggestive, though we did both make sexual jokes at a couple points. So, I dunno. He could just be a friendly guy trying to make me feel comfortable, or he could be feeling me out.

I messaged him this morning to see if he could meet me at the hobby shop on Sunday to practice my new list and he was very amiable to that idea. He also suggested that he could bring a mirror of my list to play against me, so I could see how someone else would play it. Very helpful! M may come on Sunday too, but he hasn't talked to H yet and he is very uncertain of his schedule - he knew I was going to ask C to come play since he was iffy on being able to go, and is cool with it.

Honestly, I am really liking C - he is a very friendly and intelligent person. However, unless he shows some initiative and stops flirting and gets serious, things aren't going to progress. I enjoy my time with him and he's a good friend so far, but I am not going to be the aggressor in the relationship because of all the reasons I've listed previously. I like him, but there are a lot of reasons why dating him isn't ideal.