Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

Oh yeah, OKC is full of dreck and it is like having a second job to actually find someone of any merit on there. The best results I've ever had on OKC came out of my having made contact first. Right now I have pictures up, in which you cannot really see my face (blurry and obscured), and I still get stupid cut-and-paste messages like "love your pics" and "your hot." There are lots of morons to sift through, but every now and then, you can find a gem. You never know - don't let yourself feel discouraged, just accept that the suckiness will far outweigh any good that could come out of it.
 
This is stressful to me. I don't like the thought of forcing someone into that space, if they start to want more. It doesn't feel natural or right. Maybe I should just look at poly guys who are looking for a similar time commitment? But that seems awfully exclusive, right from the get-go. Of course, I could end up with a fundamentally flawed setup right from the get-go if I end up falling for someone that wants that relationship escalator and I am unable to deliver because I have no room in my schedule.

Just mentioning that it's perfectly possible to sync up with people who are very happy with less frequent visits and have lovely relationships with them. I see someone about every six weeks and he means the world to me. The frequency seems to suit us both for our individual reasons.
 
I had a GREAT time in DC with DarkKnight today. Gosh I love this guy! :) We walked a total of 6 miles and I was wearing Chucks, so my feet hurt terrible. Actually, all parts of me hurt terrible.

I took pics, but the only one I posted here is now my profile pic. My hair was acting awesome and I got a lot of compliments. I am not sure why as I didn't do anything different. Still, I looked cute, felt cute and was with the man that I love. Today was awesomesauce!

Still no good prospects on OKC, but I did have one guy message me, telling me he and his wife were interested in family style poly and could they meet with us to talk about how it works for us. I was like, ok, cool. Apparently his wife wants to move her boyfriend in. Ok. Then, in two messages, all of a sudden he wants to meet me alone and buy me sushi and everything else went out the window. I'm like, whatever dude. Not interested in him, period. Ugh.
 
OKC is not improving. Ugh. I seriously dislike dudes. I had someone message me last night telling me that the best pic of me was the one with my mouth closed and my cleavage showing. Fuck you, seriously.

Tonight DarkKnight is getting off of work an hour early. We have an agent from TransAmerica coming to give us a rundown of their retirement and insurance planning. I'm excited because both DarkKnight and PunkRock will be present, and usually at these things it's just me, or one of the them.

After, DarkKnight and I are going out to dinner in Frederick, to play trivia with TriviaCutie hosting. I got a one sentence message from him Saturday night and since then nada. So I am not feeling very positive about him at the moment. He does say in his OKC profile that he misses signals and incorrectly assesses situations, so maybe he just doesn't get that I am into him. I haven't said it, but we've sent flirty texts. Maybe he thinks I'm just being friendly? He could also not really be into initiating texts. Sigh. I hate ambiguity. I am digging him though, and I guess I will see how he is tonight at trivia.

PunkRock and I pretty much spent the entire day together yesterday. Saturday night was a sleepover, we had sexy times and love snuggles in the morning, and then shared lunch together at Subway. We returned home and watched the first Harry Potter movie with the entire family, and then after dinner, my daughter and DarkKnight stuck around to play Ticket to Ride Europe. (My daughter won by a LOT.) Then he and I just hung out at the table, and out of the blue he asked me why I had picked now to start dating.

It wasn't an accusatory type of question, but it did feel slightly loaded to me. I answered him honestly - after the trivia finals, I had felt upbeat and positive about TriviaCutie, and that sparked my interest in dating again. We had about an hour long conversation before heading upstairs for awesome sex. Everything ended well, so things are still good here. I told him more than likely I will be ditching OKC in a week.

I am so tired today - I actually couldn't fall asleep last night and then when I finally nodded off, I had nightmares. DarkKnight is wonderful at cuddling and that helped a lot but the lack of sleep has me dragging this morning. I need to shower. I've been listening to Ke$ha's Your Love is My Drug. It makes me think about NRE and I am feeling happy about love, overall. DarkKnight and PunkRockAwesomesauce make me all squealy!
 
Squeeeee! Oh my, where to start?

We had a meeting today regarding life insurance, and that went really well. I think prices were close to what State Farm was offering, but it's nice to have a comparison. My goal by the end of next week is to have a financial plan with that in place - make the decision of how much we are going to pay for coverage.

DarkKnight and I went and played trivia. Gosh, it was romantic. That's two awesome dates really close together! He was so smiley and that made me smiley! We ended up in 4th place after moving from 3rd to 2nd. We missed the final, but we came up with a funny answer, so it was all good.

It was great to see TriviaCutie, but I was questioning everything he did in my head and wondering if he was interested in me at all. He was smiling at me a lot, and told some funny jokes, but he's such a friendly guy...I just didn't know what to think. After we lost at the end, he came over to tell me we played a good game and rubbed by arm. I could feel such a positive energy! But again, it could be construed as just being a friendly gesture.

It was a wet and wintry mix falling from the sky all the drive home, so I after I got dressed for bed, I texted Trivia Cutie to tell him to drive safe. He responded that he would, and that he had gone to get pizza. I agonized for a few minutes and then thought, fuck it, and sent him a message, telling him I was crushing on him, and that I would like to go out if he would be interested. He didn't even look at it for a half hour! But then he wrote back that he would really like that, and we settled on Friday. I told him I was really excited, and his last message was "Me too," with a smiley.

Shit. NRE has me grinning like a fool. DarkKnight is laughing and just feeling crazy compersion right now. I can SEE my happy making him happy. I was concerned for PunkRock, but he seems ok. He was poking at my face, teasing me about how much I am smiling. I'm not sure if he knows what to make of me. I had a conversation about how this might progress, and I am trying to be realistic, so there are no surprises.

Buy yeah, tonight has me happy!

OKC had 24 messages waiting for me, every one a dud. None terrible, just the standard crap again.
 
Oh, it's so difficult and confusing when you don't know how to interpret a guy's actions! I've been struggling with that. There is one guy I recently started dating, who seemed really gung-ho and totally into me on our first date, and we shared some delicious kisses, but he has pulled back and been quite reserved since then. We've gone out twice after that first make-out session and it seemed he was enjoying my company, at least enough to ask me out again, but yet there was nothing going on between us except friendly conversation, no PDAs, no hot kisses like the first time. I was wondering if he just decided he wasn't into me after getting to know me better, even though he we were still texting each other. That would suck because I really dig him.

So, a few days ago, I decided to test the waters and let him know I am interested in more than these very chaste dates we'd had -- I actually invited myself over to his place, saying I would bring a bottle of wine and give him a back rub if he would like me to. I mean, how much more obvious do I have to be? Thank goodness he said that "sounds good" (enthusiastic much?), and now we are figuring out what night that will happen, but damn, I wish he'd let me know what's on his mind! Is he into me or not? I am hoping the massage I give him will lead to sex and then I will know! If not, I will bring it up and find out what's what!

Anyway, good for you for just going ahead and asking TC out! I assume he knows you are poly?

I always have better luck with dating guys I meet in real life rather than online. Can't wait for your updates on this! You go, girl!
 
Yeah, he knows I'm poly. He's been my friend on Facebook for a while, and he "liked" my OKC profile.

I met him the first time at a special Game of Thrones trivia night - which I think was actually his first time ever hosting. One of the questions was to list the names of Danerys' dragons, from largest to smallest. It was just DarkKnight and I on a team together, and we didn't know the answer.So, we listed the names of some of the trivia hosts in the spots. Well, the one host we always called "new guy" even though he had been hosting for a long time by that point, but we always hassled him with that name. TriviaCutie did not realize this. He thought by "new guy" we meant him. Yeah - I had listed him as the largest dragon. He made a big deal of it over the microphone and got everyone laughing. Seriously, I was mortified, because never would I call someone out that I didn't know as being large. I ran up during the game and explained who I meant, and he was mollified, but he teased me the whole rest of the night.

I friended him on Facebook that night. Since then we have seen him at various games and such, and I made remarks on and off to both my guys that he fit the type that I go for - but I wasn't looking to date at all, so it never went further than comments. But yes, he has seen me out with both guys and he is definitely aware I am poly. Actually, I think he might be into me more because of that - he's listed as Bi on OKC.

The question now is how to stop squeeing so much between now and Friday. :)

That really sucks your guy is giving you mixed signals. I can't handle that for long - I usually am pretty forward. I get nervous about not getting the answer I want to hear, but that is better than agonizing over it and being stressed!
 
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My dad died this morning. I got a call at 4:00 am and my daughter and I made it up to NY. Things are not good. I have never more felt like I was flying to pieces than today. I am going home Friday, because my daughter is taking a trip to Disney with friends on Sunday. Next week, I am coming back to NY, to stay for a week or so.

I feel so adrift.

I will spare the details, but I did get to go see my dad's body and say goodbye.

What a messy thing, dying is.

I am still hoping to have my date with TriviaCutie Friday night. It's like a spot of happiness I am holding on to tightly. Something to look forward to, to get me through the crazy here.
 
My sympathies. My dad died last October, so I empathize. The next few months will be a roller coaster of emotions. Take it easy on yourself, make lists, and just take it one thing at a time. We waited 3 weeks for the funeral and we still felt overwhelmed and scattered by everything. We couldn't just keep focus on any one thing, all of us just kept flipping back and forth as one more thing randomly popped into our heads of things that needed to be done, it was insane.
 
Oh crap. Really sorry to hear your dad didn't make it.

I guess it's not a complete surprise, given his general state of health. But death always sucks. Always. No matter how old or young. Even in those cases where the person is suffering and death is a stroke of mercy, death still sucks. The person is gone, gone, gone. Nothing can fill the ache in your heart.

And from what I've heard of your parents' states of affairs, you're probably stuck with their logistical nightmare now. I hope I'm wrong, but. The thought had occurred to me.

You have some positives going on in your life, I hope those will serve as some small consolation. :(
 
Hugs, BlueBird... I agree with just taking it one step at a time; things are going to be a blur, and I hope your family doesn't add to that stress. Don't forget to take some time for yourself to recoup a bit, and lean on DK and PRA when you need to - taking care of yourself through it all is important too.
 
I'm really sorry. It doesn't seem to matter how old we are, it is always horrible when a parent dies. My dad's been gone for over two years now, and I still miss him.

Who ever said 'make lists' is right! Your brain is being flooded with emotions and neurotransmitters and hormones that make memory formation really hard. Write it all down!!
 
Oh, Bluebird, I am sorry for your loss! It is a good thing that you went to see him recently and helped straighten up all the paperwork and official stuff for your mother. Maybe subconsciously he felt he could let go of this world because he knew you'd taken care of those things for them.

(((((((HUGS)))))))
 
Alone tonight with my mom. We laid down, but she couldn't sleep. Held her a lot and cried with her. Up now, trying to get her to eat.

I went to Starbucks last night for some time to myself and then ugly-cried all the way back to my mom's apartment. Then I pulled myself together and opened my luggage to get my pajamas. PunkRock had packed me his pillow, and the Tshirt he wore on our first date. I totally lost it.

Later, DarkKnight called and spent almost an hour helping me reset the router and change the passwords so the rest of the family could use the wifi.

Since my dad is having a direct cremation, we are kicking around the idea of holding a memorial dinner next Saturday. My sister is coming over again today to talk about it. My mom said it would be ok for PunkRock to come. PunkRock says he already has all next weekend off of work. DarkKnight will probably come back with me Monday and stay all week, since he can work from here.


Each guy, giving me exactly the love that I need, when I need it.
 
Sorry for your loss Bluebird.
Glad that you have a lot of love in your life to help you through.
 
The last two days have been a clusterfuck of terrible times. This is going to be in at least two parts, so bear with me!

I left NY at 5:30 in the morning. At about 6:30, I lost control of my van going through a series of S-curves on a hill and crossed the road to slam into a snowbank, coming to an abrupt stop with the vehicle resting broadside, facing the wrong way on the wrong side of the road. I was trapped inside my car, with the snowbank to my left as high as the bottom of the window.

At the moment of impact, a huge mound of snow shot up and covered the entire front windshield.

After breathing for a bit, I confirmed that I and my daughter were both unharmed, though a little shaken up. I turned on the van and used the wipers to clear the glass to see a car heading right for us. We unfortunately were right on the edge of a blind curve, so cars rounding the corner had no idea we were there. Also, they were picking up speed at that point, as they were climbing a hill. The roads were incredibly icy, and as cars spotted us, they would hit their brakes, pull to the left, and start sliding as they then did not have enough speed to top the hill.

I called AAA, and they said a tow truck would take 30 minutes. I called 911, and they said a police officer would arrive in 30 minutes. They told us to crack the window in the car, if we needed to run the engine to stay warm.

The temperature with wind chill was -38. Yes, NEGATIVE 38 degrees Fahrenheit. It got very cold, very quickly.

Thankfully, no one else hit us, though the tow truck took an hour to arrive. When he finally showed, he already had a wrecked car on the flatbed. He said there were accidents up and down the road I was on, and a few on the other side of the hill, as the cars who tried to avoid us slid up and over to the other side. He said no one was hurt, thank goodness.

So, anyway, when he pulled us out, the bumper cover on my van was left behind. My wheels were still straight, but the driver's side mirror was dangling. The tow truck guy advised me to turn around and return to the city to rent a car. He followed me through the S-curves, and then I pulled over because my van was making a loud noise. Upon further inspection, one of the fog lights was up under where the wheel well, and rubbing the tire. The driver yanked it out and threw it in a ditch. I drove up another hill, skidded out, and hit another snowbank.

This impact was much more controlled, because I had been starting to turn and my speed was much less. My daughter was screaming by that point though, and kept saying, "mom, no. NO MOM. NO." This snowbank was much thinner, and on the other side was a long drop. She was terrified we were going to slide over.

I was unable to get the car restarted. The tow truck driver pulled us out again, and we left behind what was left of my wheel well. He had us transfer to the cab of his truck, and pulled my van back to the city.

I cried my eyes out in the truck, as I called the rental car company, who refused to rent me a vehicle when I told them I was from another state, as I only had a credit debit card to secure the vehicle. I told the guy on the phone multiple times that I had car rental coverage on my insurance policy, but he said it didn't matter and suggested I try getting a flight home.

My nerves were beyond frazzled at this point. The tow truck driver dropped us and the van at a collision shop, and the receptionist and her boss were very sympathetic. They had a technician check out my van immediately. He got it started, duct taped the mirror on and took it on a test drive. He said I could make it home, but he had bad news - the airbag sensors were uncovered, and if any road debris hit the bottom of my car (remember the roads were covered in ice and snow) they airbags would deploy. He said he could leave them alone, or he could cover them with duct tape. Unfortunately, covering them with duct tape would ruin them and then the future repair bill would be much worse.

At that point I assumed my van was going to be totaled at the end journey anyway, so why not cover the sensors. At least I could get home.

The normally 5 hour drive took me a total of 10 and a half hours, but we made it home.

PunkRock took me to the rental agency in town and my insurance had agreed to pay for a premium car, so I am now in a Toyota Sienna with 22,000 miles on it. Only $100 deposit - on my credit debit card. Fuckers.

DarkKnight delivered my van to a collision shop in town, where it awaits an adjuster's estimate, but the insurance people have pretty much said that it will be totaled. It's a 2005 Dodge Grand Caravan, and though it was a strong runner and in good shape, it has 196,000 miles on it. I will probably only be given $1,000 for it. This is terrible because I have exactly no money to throw at it to get a new car. I am unhappy, but there's no time to worry about this now. I have to return to NY to help my mom get ready to collect my dad's ashes and take care of all the accounts and paperwork, and prepare for the memorial dinner next Saturday.

My daughter is on her way to Disney World with her friends - we dropped her off at 3 pm today. So I am glad she is well out of this part of the mess.

Yep, there's more.
 
Part 2.

Today I have been focusing on finding photographs of my father to post on a board at the memorial dinner. This made me very emotional, but I was doing ok. My friend called crying while in the middle of errands related to this, as her kitchen was flooded and she didn't know what to do. So, I grabbed PunkRock and we drove to her house, where he spent an hour figuring out the problem and trying to help. While we were there, DarkKnight called. His mother had collapsed and was in the hospital.

Apparently she had been having fainting spells this last week. Her heart will suddenly slow way down and then just stop. This was the first time she had difficulty being revived, and her boyfriend had called an ambulance.

Not sure if I mentioned this previously, but we moved to were we are now a few years ago because DarkKnight's mom had needed two open heart surgeries and we wanted to be nearby.

Well, tomorrow morning at 7:30 she is getting a pacemaker.

PunkRock and I returned home to pick up DarkKnight and we had a nice somewhat calm dinner at the Mexican place around the corner from us together. When we got back home, DarkKnight packed an overnight bag and drove to the hospital in his mom's city. He called to let us know she was conscious, but very lethargic and drifting in and out of lucidity. She also had a high fever. He is sleeping at her house tonight, so he will be able to return to the hospital tomorrow, first thing. It is snowing heavily here, so I am glad he went, though this isn't how I expected to spend Valentine's Day at all.

I continued working on sorting photographs of my father after dinner. I started to get very teary. PunkRock had started a fire in the fireplace, so I curled up next to him and cried a little bit.
 
Part 3.


A very stressful topic the last few days has been about where my mother is going to go now that my father is no longer alive. She has never lived alone and is neurotic and extremely introverted on a good day. She has spent a lot of time crying about what is going to happen and how she can't be all by herself.

My brother is a recovering heroin addict who lives in an upstairs one-bedroom apartment with his rent being covered by an addiction recovery service. His pregnant girlfriend just moved in, and their baby is due in July.

My sister owns a 3-bedroom trailer that is falling apart, and two of her three children share a bedroom already.

I feel really trapped.

Honestly, I am not sure if I could emotionally handle having my mother move back in with us. Her and my father lived with us for, I think, 4 years. It was so very difficult for me and everyone else in the house. At the time, my parents were living in my basement, but now my husband's office is down there, as is PunkRock's paint desk, and my son's bedroom.

The three of us have discussed logistics, and so far we have come up with one viable plan. I would move my mom into my master bedroom suite, so she'd have a walk-in closet, a large room and her own private bathroom.

PunkRock and my son would switch bedrooms. This would give space between my mom and PunkRock, as she definitely would not want to overhear us having sex. The upside to this would be that PunkRock's cat would have more room to roam - right now she is afraid to leave his bedroom, and in the basement she would have an entire living room and bedroom space to claim as her own.

I would have to then spend my nights moving from PunkRock's to DarkKnight's bedroom. I would lose my personal space. We would have to set up dividers in the basement to give me space to store my clothing and other items. I am distressed at the thought of losing my own space, but I would do it, I guess.

My mom has said that she doesn't want to move back here, but I can't see any other options at the present time. The three of us have decided it can happen, if absolutely necessary, but we will see if it can be avoided at all.
 
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