Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

Nah, I don't feel like he's a bad guy. It's all good. Gotta kiss a lot of frogs and all that. Though, I'm not necessarily looking for a prince at the moment, you know? I've got two great guys already. :) Still, I think I'm going to use this down time by not dating until I figure out what exactly what it is I am looking for. Honestly, I think it is going to be more of a FWB or something along those lines.

DarkKnight has decided not to go to Great Wolf again this year, so it'll just be my daughter and PunkRock again. However, when I get back home Thursday, DarkKnight and I will be leaving Friday to go to NY. We decided to surprise my nephew by driving up to see him in his school play. So that will give us a few days away together. :)
 
PunkRock and I were up talking until morning last night. It turns out, he did not tell the truth and did not communicate honestly with me about me opening up our polyfi arrangement. He did not want me to date TriviaCutie, and did not want me to attend the play party. Even though I asked him straight out, he said he felt that if he told me he was unhappy and didn't want me to go, I would discount his feelings and attend anyway, or not go and then throw it back at him during a later fight.

This revelation broke my heart and wounded me deeply. I asked him if he could give me any examples in the year we've been together, when I was angry and threw past events at him. Yeah, none. Also, he took away my right to choice by just assuming I would discount his feelings. I fucking love him - I would never discount his feelings! He said that has not been the case in his previous relationships - he isn't used to his partners choosing him.

At the very least I would have slowed things waaaaay down. I knew he was uncomfortable, but I decided to trust he was being truthful and up front with his words. I told him that I am not a mind reader and that he needs to talk to me.

:(

This all came out while we were doing the first set of discussion questions in the More Than Two books.

End result is that we are closing again. For how long, I have no idea. I was already going to stop dating because I don't have the time or attention to focus on finding other partners; I think I mentioned earlier that if TriviaCutie didn't work out, I was going to take a break. So doing that was a plan already, but now that PunkRock is feeling wounded, it is even more important to me.

This guy is a light in my world - I can't lose that! He says we weren't in any danger of splitting, but he doesn't understand that my heart is split into pieces to think he didn't believe I would take his feelings into consideration.
 
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Sounds like he's carrying some baggage with him from past relationships.
 
Bluebird said:
It turns out, he did not tell the truth and did not communicate honestly with me about me opening up our polyfi arrangement. .... Even though I asked him straight out, he said he felt that if he told me he was unhappy and didn't want me to go, I would discount his feelings and attend anyway, or not go and then throw it back at him during a later fight.
... I knew he was uncomfortable, but I decided to trust he was being truthful and up front with his words. I told him that I am not a mind reader and that he needs to talk to me.
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It seems to me as I read poly boards that there's a high value placed on 'not being controlled,' on doing what we like with our own bodies, and so on. So I can understand how he would feel that by not wanting you to do it, he might then be passed off as 'controlling.' (And I'm not saying you've ever said that, I'm saying it's so common in the poly world, that it's easy to see how someone could feel they can't even voice their opinion that in fact, no, they don't want their loved one sleeping with others, or further dividing their time.)

I have recently been accused by XBF of 'deceiving' him by not telling him immediately, in all instances, how I felt about times, and yet he doesn't acknowledge the fact that every time my feelings were not what he wanted to hear, he got angry, there was a big scene, and nothing changed anyway. So I think when someone is less than totally forthcoming about how they really feel about things, it's wise to look at it from all angles, not merely decide they have 'baggage.'

You say you did know he was uncomfortable. It sounds as if you really did see how he was feeling, but decided to go ahead and do what you wanted to do anyway.
 
I think, yes, he is carrying some baggage. But who isn't? I don't think it's excessive or anything we can't work through.

Yes, I did see he was uncomfortable, but he said he was fine and acted exasperated every time I brought up the subject. He actually said to me at one point that we had talked enough about it and he didn't need to discuss it anymore because he wouldn't know how things would feel until after I went. I decided to beleive him. I am not a mind reader, and I expect my partners to be up front about their feelings, but yeah, I asked him at least 4 times if he was sure he was ok, how much information was he comfortable with me sharing after, did he want to know if I had sex, etc. By his answers, I figured he was telling me his heart. He wasn't.

I am a firm believer that my body is my choice. That said, I absolutely do not want to lose this man from my life. I love him so incredibly much and I cannot wait to have our unauthorized civil union in May. :) I am going to be legally changing my name if I can make it happen - he is a soulmate, no question. If he isn't ready for me to be poly right now, he isn't. The fact that I was already going to put the brakes on just makes everything even less of an issue.

He is now working on reading through More Than Two, he is willing to discuss things and he has expressed an interest in attending an event with me, where we are just intimate with each other, but hang out and talk with others. So he is trying. I have zero problem with moving slowly and if it takes 5 years or 15, I will move at the pace he requires.

Today PunkRock and I took my youngest daughter with us, and we are now on vacation at Great Wolf Lodge. DarkKnight still has a shot at being cast in the play he auditioned for, so he stayed home. We decided that when I return home on Thursday, we'll go to NY together for the weekend on our own little mini vacation. My nephew is in a play of his own, so we are going to go surprise my family by showing up. It should be fun!
 
Wishing you much fun on your upcoming vacations. :) Sounds like things with PunkRock will be fine.
 
Last night of vacation with PunkRock and my 9 year wedding anniversary with DarkKnight. I can't wait to get home tomorrow and wrap my arms around my husband! Good news - he was cast as Captain Orton in the play! I am so proud of him.

Great Wolf Lodge has been great. We had some stressful situations with staff while here, but overall I feel less stressed. I've been really tired but rested too, if that even makes sense. I had my first ever professional massage and I am going to try to get one a month when I get back home. It was SO amazing. I actually started crying at one point but choked it back in a hurry. I could feel all the unhappy leaving my body and then I just got into this space where zi was blissed out. It reminded me of being in the straitjacket, actually. I want to experience this feeling lots more - it's so healing.
 
Heh, you can probably tell why Snowbunny keeps track of all my appointments for me. I'm as bad at dates/times as I am at names, and that's saying a lot ... ;)

Sounds like you've been having a great time so far. I'm glad to hear that.
 
You don't have to hold back from crying during a massage. The body stores a lot of emotions and it's okay to let them be released. Sometimes you will have a response that isn't even associated with a particular event or thought or current feeling - it's just been stored in your cells and comes to the surface when you relax and let someone in with deep touch. I love getting massages and haven't done so in quite a while. I keep saying I will schedule one, so thanks for the reminder!
 
I cry all the time during my massages. I'm sure she thinks I'm a crazy mess, lol, but she never makes me feel judged :) I have one every two weeks. I used to think it was a luxury, but when my dad was sick and when he died it was the only thing that got me through, physically and emotionally.
 
DarkKnight and I left this morning to drive to NY on our weekend getaway. We stopped in Hammondsport to visit an antique shop,eat lunch at a coffe shop/art gallery and then went to a tasting at a local brewery. Well, DarkKnight had a tasting while I smiled at him. :)

We surprised both my mom and brother by showing up unexpectedly, and then I texted my sister to let her know we were in town to see my nephee's play. She invited us out to dinner, but DarkKnight wanted a romantic meal with just me, so the two of us went to the Bonefish Grill.

It's intermission at the moment, for Mary Poppins, and I have to say I've been teary during it too! My nephew is so talented and so stinkin' cute! He's 15 and I still remember the day he was born - I was my sister's labor coach and I saw him before anyone else.

Bad news though - it looks as though we aren't going to make it back to the hotel in time for the hot tub...
 
Ha! I won the halftime 50/50 raffle! Whoo hoo! $132 - that'll cover a chunk of the hotel cost. Sweetness.
 
I was once again reminded that I have a lot of work to do emotionally, with my attachment issues. (A thread elsewhere on the board.) I have got anxious attachment issues from trauma as a child, and it SUCKS that it is a part of my psyche. It seems like I've always struggled with it, but at least I can acknowledge it, and label it and own my crazy. Just wish it would go away.

Time with a partner seems to help, but DarkKnight would tell you that some days I even freak about him, and we have now been together for over 9 years. I would say it is my number one issue with PunkRockAwesomesauce - he often asks me when I will trust him and feel secure. I hate that my soul answers "maybe never."

What helps a lot for me is planning and working on long term future goals - when I can see the steps being taken, it calms me, and when my anxiousness flares I can focus on what has already been accomplished as proof of a safe harbor.

I am very, very lucky that both my guys form secure attachments, but I do think they are confused sometimes as to why my behaviors are so wonky.
 
I got a call from a national talk show producer last night about them wanting to do an episode about polyamory. They want to angle it as us being healthy and happy, and it being a positive choice. That said, the hook they want is how to come out to family about your non-mainstream lifestyle and how to get them to accept it.

We are currently a tentative yes. This could change because they aren't paying anything and the timing is shitty. I would say it's more 60/40 no because I would rather wait until after my wedding. Things are just too crazy here. Also, I am not really certain I could handle another media shitstorm at the moment. I don't want to be famous or infamous or the face of modern poly.
 
I work as a personal assistant for a friend of 20 years who is a musician. Since I am not in the closet I get approached for reality tv, talk shows, articles, and etc all the time.

I always decline. I have no urge to put my children, family, Butch, Murf, or myself through the verbal, digital, and so on assault that comes from putting your life under a microscope. People are farking nuts. The things my friend receives from fans are down right disturbing. The things from the haters are down right frightening. People stalk his children for Gods sake and have no problems approaching them about their Dad.

In the digital age it is very easy for someone to hunt you down and make your life hell. I went through it personally in 2003. http://abc7chicago.com/archive/9290140/ It was hell on my oldest son and family. I watched that burn live on TV knowing Butch was the operator on duty and he would have been the first to respond to the fire alarm. I didn't know if he was alive or dead for several hours. People had no problems verbally and in one case physically assaulting a 9 yo little boy. We ended up moving here because of this incident. It haunted us for years. It is all about the ratings and shock value and they have no problems dragging you through the mud.

Now in the age of social media it is easier to find someone's info then it was back then. Personally I do not need my life to become a hashtag forever captured for the world to rip apart.
 
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Thanks for your story - I know you've shared some of this before. ((Hugs)) We are still discussing things.

I have been crazy busy this week - Monday I had to return my rental van and so now I have no transportation of my own.Apparently there was a mixup and I could have kept it for another week so I am kind of upset about that. I did get word that my van was stamped a total loss and I mailed out the title to the insurance company yesterday. The good news is they are giving me a little over $4000 for it, so whatever shitbox I buy to replace it won't be completely terrible. I should get the check in the mail by Saturday. It sucks trying to buy a car with no way to go look at them in person though! PunkRockAwesomesauce still has a vehicle, but his schedule this week is smack in the middle of the day so by the time he gets home there's just no time left to go to dealers.

Ask me how I know - I actually helped my son buy his first car yesterday! PunkRock drove me Monday morning to a dealer in West Virginia, we test drove a car together and Tuesday night, he took my son and I back to sign the paperwork and take possession of it. It was super fast and super stressful.

Wedding planning is almost at a standstill. I am an entire month behind. I hope to get the handfasting cords this weekend, if possible.

DarkKnight had his first practice for the play last night, and apparently now they've cast my daughter as well! She is going to be one of the wives of the King of Siam! We laughed last night that she has gotten tangled up in a poly arrangement of her own, quite unexpectedly. She doesn't have any lines - she is singing with the group and has some dances to learn.

I have been paying bills and trying to get our budget back on track for the month. There was some paperwork and phone calls I had to make regarding my dad's estate, so I had to focus on that as well. I am back to teaching co-op on Thursday so today is all about making sure I have my lesson plan nailed down. (I don't have it completed yet.) Ugh. So much to do!
 
I bought my wedding dress yesterday! It was so nerve-wracking - I actually still have anxiety about it because it will definitely need to be altered and I don't often buy clothing that I have to order, knowing that it won't fit when it arrives. It definitely will need to be hemmed, for starters. I am hoping to purchase a corst to wear under or over it - honestly, I think it would look good either way - and that of course will make me skinnier and so the dress will need to be taken in some.

Anyway, it's a gray dress from David's Bridal and all sales are final, so this sucker is mine. Lol it's long and sleeveless, so I bought a wrap too. I love the color and I think once I get over the stress of finding someone to fix it all for me, I will be happy that it cost less than $200. I think I am going to wear a pair of Chuck Taylors with it - purple, more than likely. I will have to order those online.

I went out alone last night and was able to play trivia with my friends for the first time in weeks. It was SUCH a recharge! There's a really cute host who was there hanging out at the bar, and he came over a ton to talk to us. Just being friendly. I made a completely idiotic comment at one point while he and a friend were discussing a movie, and my friend and I couldn't stop laughing, after the fact. I came home and told PunkRock about it, and then he couldn't stop laughing either.

I figure if I keep saying stupid shit, my guys should have zero worries about me dating anyone else - dudes are going to think I'm clueless. I suppose it doesn't matter with this guy. I was instantly attracted to him, but he's tight with TriviaCutie and I am not looking to fuck a whole friend group. Plus he's another young guy. I am done with that age bracket!

I'm not looking to date anyone now anyway. Just remarking on this cute, chill guy. :)

Oh yeah, TriviaCutie was hosting last night. That was completely unexpected, as he's not our regular host at this particular venue. He was filling in, apparently. Anyway, he was totally nice and joked with me a couple of times. I think I was more reserved than he was. Anyway, I was happy that things weren't awkward. He's a nice guy.

Tonight PunkRock and I are going to go on a date night in Baltimore. There's a glassworks company that has free demonstrations every other Friday or so and we decided to finally make time to go - we had found out about it in the beginning of February before our lives got hectic. After the demos, watchers can make their own creations, and they charge by whatever particular thing you want to make - a vase, paperweight, etc. You don't have to make anything, but both PunkRock and I totally want to try it out!

DarkKnight and I are going to go out and do something fun this weekend, but he's taking his time, planning something. It's supposed to be nice out so I am thinking it may be time to head to DC for a bit. More than likely though, he will prolly be helping me locate a new car to buy! Hopefully the settlement check arrives today from the insurance company. I have been thinking about a VW Beetle but I am uncertain about how reliable they are after they have 100,000 miles on them. I can't afford anything with less mileage, so it's that or I have to go with another make & model.
 
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I am feeling better about my dress, now that some time has passed. :) I've also talked to the corset distributor, and they have the one available that I tried on a month or so ago, and so they are going to be able to get it to me in the next week - we just have to meet up to do the transaction. Here is a pic of the corset, and of the dress.

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I like my shape in the corset, but my diet is completely fucked. I have been eating terribly because of my emotions. Yesterday I whined at PunkRock until he took me out for a vanilla malt. That is not going to help me lose weight! I have the plan to restart my Subway diet today, but it's depressing to think about eating that, so I probably won't.

I'm feeling very picture-happy today, so here is a photo of PunkRock and I at the Glassblowing place on Friday.

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We went back to pick up our creations yesterday and it was exciting to see the stuff we made that had been a liquid only a couple days before. I hope to have some more money soon, so we can afford to go back again, and maybe take some individual classes. I know PunkRock would love it.

Right now I am kind of on hold on the whole car-shopping thing. I did receive my total loss payout check on Saturday, so I deposited it this morning. I am just waiting for it to clear my bank so I can spend it! Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be a lot of vehicles on the market that meet my specifications at the moment. DarkKnight and I spent a chunk of Saturday talking about and looking at cars, but ultimately came up empty. PunkRock and I stopped at a dealer in Frederick on the way back from Baltimore yesterday and we found one car. I would go test-drive it, but it seems rather pointless unless I have the cash to buy it. Hopefully this will happen tomorrow! It's a 2003 Ford Focus.

I am on my period - today should be the last day - so I have been emotional lately. Out of nowhere I have been getting teary and crying. A lot of moments when I just start thinking about my dad. Worse, I start thinking about what is the purpose of life to do so much of noisy nothing and then die. I suppose it is normal to think of those sorts of thoughts at this point, but I don't like focusing on negativity. I wish this would pass.

PunkRock and I have been talking lots lately about the animal encounter business we hope to start. He sent me a half-dozen pictures of capybaras last night via text. I get excited when I am focused on long-term planning.

Speaking of long-term stuff, today I have my daughter researching fundraising letters for her trip to Nepal. I suppose that isn't so much long-term, since it is happening in October, but it does require planning! She needs to write a request letter to send out to friends and family - some have already asked us how they can help, so she needs to get this out pronto.

Today I am looking at cars again, but I also need to do research on Chinese mythology and get my lesson plan for Thursday's co-op flushed out.

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Bluebird said:
I was once again reminded that I have a lot of work to do emotionally, with my attachment issues. (A thread elsewhere on the board.) I have got anxious attachment issues from trauma as a child, and it SUCKS that it is a part of my psyche. It seems like I've always struggled with it, but at least I can acknowledge it, and label it and own my crazy. Just wish it would go away.

Time with a partner seems to help, but DarkKnight would tell you that some days I even freak about him, and we have now been together for over 9 years. I would say it is my number one issue with PunkRockAwesomesauce - he often asks me when I will trust him and feel secure. I hate that my soul answers "maybe never."

What helps a lot for me is planning and working on long term future goals - when I can see the steps being taken, it calms me, and when my anxiousness flares I can focus on what has already been accomplished as proof of a safe harbor.

I am very, very lucky that both my guys form secure attachments, but I do think they are confused sometimes as to why my behaviors are so wonky.
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I've learned over the past several months that I must have the same attachment issues. Like you said, stemming from a traumatizing past. My parents always just had a habit of pretending I wasn't their daughter (My mother spitefully alot and my father cluelessly because he didn't really know how to be a dad). So I feel I can definitely relate.

I've noticed I have a tendency to cling to relationships very quickly when that person makes me happy and I fear them not finding me worthy enough to stick around.

That being said, I feel like I can totally relate and I intend on keeping up with your bloggy. :)
 
I am sooooo tired this morning! Lots going on but nothing too crazy.

I bought a car this week and picked it up after co-op last night. It's a 2005 Toyota Corolla. I love it. I had pretty much given up hope at finding anything in my price range, but a friend of mine is related to the general manager of a big car dealership in my city. She called him and he hooked me up. Normally they do not repair trade-ins - they sell them as is to customers in other states, since the vehicles won't pass inspection in Maryland. Well, this car had 3 issues - it needed a taillight replaced, the headlight covers needed buffed out and there was a crack in the windshield. He said it was the only used car they had that he would sell to a relative. Anyway, he agreed to have it taken to my regular mechanic, and my place said came up with the exact same 3 issues. They told me that it would probably run forever and that nothing was mechanically troublesome at all. So, the dealership sold me the car for $3000, and I got the repairs done. The car looks gorgeous inside and outside there are just a few minor scratches and dings.

So happy that stress is gone!

I am meeting up tomorrow with the corset lady for my wedding piece. I am excited about that. My friend has agreed to do the alterations once my dress is delivered, so that is awesome. I still need to get my birdcage veil and my shoes. Those will have to wait until mid-April. PunkRock still needs his shoes, suit and shirt - again, mid-April.

I am so broke right now. I don't even want to look at my budget.

DarkKnight and I had an awesome date night this week - we went to dinner and then played pool for an hour. We returned home and then watched two episodes of Glee on Netflix. We are on the second season, where Kurt's dad was in a coma. OMG I was choked up and told DarkKnight we needed to take a break, only to see that he was crying too. Both of us have lost our dads in the last year, and it was just so intense. I don't think I would have had such a reaction otherwise. We held each other and got through the episode though. Anyway, it was nice that we could support each other, even though it put a damper on an otherwise super fun evening.

PunkRock and I tried to have a date night last night, but our picnic in the park got rained out and we ate subs in front of the TV instead. Lol
 
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