Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

As promised, here is my trencher unit I just finished painting. This is the first unit I have ever painted, and there are a zillion things wrong with them, but I love them lots anyway, because I did it. :) They are meant to look dark, and dirty, because, well, they fight in the trenches.

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My husband, PunkRockAwesomeSauce, does painting on commission. In comparison (there is none), this is a piece he just completed for a mutual friend - a trollblood.

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Uh, yeah, that should have read that my husband PunkRock does commissions, but I can't go back and change it at this point. If a mod sees this and would like to help me out, yay! but I am not going to stress it. DarkKnight can't paint. lol

Today has been interesting. I woke up and played some Skyrim, and then I have been administering a practice ASVAB test to my youngest. She's pretty frustrated at how much information she has forgotten. She did ok on science, but she was pissed that she SHOULD know things and didn't. The arithmetic word problems she did about half and gave up, though the ones she actually completed were fine. She couldn't remember how to set up the problem, so she couldn't answer it. The next session was word knowledge, which we just straight up skipped. She has been trying to learn vocabulary since she came home to me and we spent years, and it just doesn't happen. Her brain disorder is a bitch. Unfortunately, it's a required section for the MOS she wants in the National Guard, so we are going to try and work on roots again. I am not optimistic.

The paragraph comprehension section she burned out on. Frankly, reading some of them made me tired, so I am sure her brain isn't happy. She gets main idea, so mostly it will be helping her to power through this in the time allotted. Honestly, she surprised me when it came to the timing on things - she was extremely stressed when I told her I would be timing her, but she finished the science section well before she had to be done, and I am sure it would have been faster if she had a review ahead of time.

So far I have a good grip on what I need to give her refresher information on, and I am not worried about the science or math, or the automotive and electrical knowledge sections. It's just a matter of re-introducing the subjects to her. The language arts portions though - that's her disability. It's going to be difficult for the both of us.

However, as a whole, I am positive she will pass.
 
Bluebird said:
Uh, yeah, that should have read that my husband PunkRock does commissions, but I can't go back and change it at this point. If a mod sees this and would like to help me out, yay!
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Done! Only I put PunkRock's full alias instead of abbreviating it to PunkRock, 'cause it's just so cool! Hope that's okay!
 
Haha! Yes, thank you muchly! :)
 
Wow. PunkRock is so talented. That is most impressive.
 
Gosh. Remember my list of stress stuff? Consider it multiplied! My to-do list the last couple of days has been crazy. For some reason I thought it would be fun to join a cookbook club, and start, uh, cooking. Which is something DarkKnight is in charge of in our household. Well, I made a meal this past weekend, and it turned out absolutely amazing. However, it took like the entire day to make! Today I am back on deck with another few recipes and whew! I definitely should not schedule this sort of thing when I am already overloaded. I do have fun, but it just is so much work. The Cookbook Club itself will only meet once a month, and we'll be assigned portions of the meal to bring, so I will only be making one thing a month, but we're supposed to try out some dishes in the meantime. Not so great my my calendar is already full!

So, my next therapy appointment with WarMan is Friday. Things with WarMan are both good and bad. We haven't been intimate in a long time, and he hasn't given any indication that he even finds sex with me desirable anymore. I am kind of just trying to see how having a celibate sort of relationship would go with him, and it hurts me so bad, so far. If I had to decide at this moment, no, it doesn't work for me. I told PunkRock the other day that it feels like I have been friendzoned by my boyfriend and that fact just sucks worse than anything. Getting into bed with me hurts WarMan so much, and it makes me feel terrible that he even tries. Obviously if his back is screwed up, that makes any sort of missionary sex impossible, but over the past few weeks, he never tries anything at all. When we first got together, I was on my knees in front of him all the time - under his desk, in the kitchen, in the bathroom - it didn't matter - he wanted me. Now I am lucky if I get a smile and a peck on the cheek when I pop into his office to say hi during the day. Seriously - platonic kisses and head pats are all I get anymore. His passion for me is gone, and I just feel awful. I actually don't even go into his office much, because it makes me really sad to know he isn't going to greet me like he used to do.

On dates and things like that, we're good. If we are doing an activity, he smiles at me, teases me, makes me laugh. I feel our relationship is fine. But physically, it isn't good at all. I am hanging in there for now to see how things go with his back injury and his stress level. But, yeah, I have decided that there is no way I can be celibate with him indefinitely. I still have a deep attraction for him; I still desire him; to have that ache and to know that he doesn't want me in that way - I can't do that to myself on a long-term basis.

I mean, if he wanted me at all, wouldn't he at least KISS me like he used to? Wouldn't he be fingerbanging the fuck out of me on the couch? Wouldn't he sit back in his office chair and have me choke my throat on his dick? I don't believe that he isn't masturbating at all this entire time. It just devastates me that he doesn't at least want to do something, anything with me. It's depressing.

Most days, when I start daydreaming about him, I have to really concentrate and force myself to think of something different. I say to myself, "you aren't in a sexual relationship anymore right now. You have to stop it." I feel this distance. I feel like he thinks as me as a friend and it just sucks so bad.

Comparing that how DarkKnight treats me - DarkKnight is a once-a-week kinda guy. But never, ever do I feel like he finds me unattractive or unappealing. He's bumping my butt with his when I pass him in the house, he's giving me surprise hugs where he's grabbing and pawing at my boobs with lecherous grins. I mean, if I gave it back, he'd turn me down for actual sex, but I don't feel like I'm just his good friend.

And PunkRock is the same way. He sends me silly pictures and sexual jokes all day long when he can at work, and things like "1 gallon of nacho cheese sauce" show up on the grocery list with regularity. (That actually appeared last night on my phone, the goof.) He's not physically as demonstrative outside of the bedroom as DarkKnight when it comes to grabbing me for hugs and kisses and such, but when he does, dammit, it's sensual and full. There's no question he wants to rock my world.

So yeah.
 
Bluebird said:
...I mean, if he wanted me at all, wouldn't he at least KISS me like he used to? Wouldn't he be fingerbanging the fuck out of me on the couch? Wouldn't he sit back in his office chair and have me choke my throat on his dick? I don't believe that he isn't masturbating at all this entire time. It just devastates me that he doesn't at least want to do something, anything with me. It's depressing..
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Well, no not necessarily. You might be assuming lack of desire when it's lack of capability. He might truly be in too much pain to do much sexually. Even things like getting a blowjob might be painful for him. (Spasms can be part of coming and that could impact his back.) Fingerbanging is a rather vigorous activity. It involves way more than just a hand and arm if you think about it. That might be beyond what he can tolerate right now. Unfortunately, like the butt and teeth, if the back is hurting, it impacts all parts of the body.

Also he knows your sex drive and how important it is to you. If he realizes that he can't offer much sexually right now, he might consciously or unconsciously avoid anything sexual at all for fear of offering you more than he can do right now. He doesn't want to hurt you by ramping you up and not fulfilling that desire so he ramps everything down, which makes you think he doesn't want you and then we are off to the shame spiral again.

Have you explicitly asked him what he would like sexually? Maybe go over some options for activities that are less painful? A nice, choking facefucking might be too painful for him now but maybe something slower, gentler? You masturbate in front of him? (I know masturbation is not your favorite thing but perhaps this could be something you can share with him while he is recovering? He might really enjoy seeing your pleasure.) Have you let him know that while it's miserable, it's truly ok that penetrative sex is off the table for a while? Have you asked him to kiss you? Touch you more suggestively? That this is ok to do if it doesn't/can't lead to more? Maybe just knowing he has your permission to be sexually suggestive without implying actual sex will happen will allow him to do that without fear of disappointing you?

It's also a little unfair to compare him with your husbands. You have had years to come to terms with DarkKnight's lower libido (and I recall you've mentioned that wasn't easy to deal with at the time either). You've also had time to figure things out with PunkRock. Also your husbands seem to be able to intuit what you need to feel loved better than WarMan can right now. They may be just more natural fits for you that way. He seems to be struggling to get out of his head and get into yours for now. I don't know if that's permanent or not but comparing his current level to your husbands can be really dangerous to your relationship. It's partly what I suspect he fears happening all the time anyway.
 
I agree with opalescent.

Murf threw out his back 3 years ago badly. There was no way in hell anything sexual was on the table. It hurt for him to exist and breathe. But he didn't tell me how badly he hurt. He kept it to himself only letting me know oh I hurt my back.

Meanwhile I thought he just wasn't into me. He found me gross. . I could go on and on. I actually ended up in tears one night when I felt like he shot me down when I tried to initiate sexual activity.

Only after he woke up in the middle of the night without me in bed and finding me on the couch upset did he explain what he was feeling.
 
Also he knows your sex drive and how important it is to you. If he realizes that he can't offer much sexually right now, he might consciously or unconsciously avoid anything sexual at all for fear of offering you more than he can do right now. He doesn't want to hurt you by ramping you up and not fulfilling that desire so he ramps everything down, which makes you think he doesn't want you and then we are off to the shame spiral again.
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This. Yeah, this could very well be it. Part of why we are in therapy is because of garbage like this. We don't talk about what is going on, because if I bring it up, he gets upset and feels like I am judging him, so it seems better to stay silent. But then I just feel terrible.

As far as comparing him to my husbands - I'm not ranking their love making! I would never do that. Actually, they're all pretty amazeballs and always make me feel good. No, my last couple of paragraphs were me trying to work out why the lack of anything sensual at all is so distressing to me.

Unfortunately, Sunday night (our first sleepover of the week), we went to bed late, in spite of me trying for to get us there earlier, and then he hurt himself getting into bed. No sexy times. Then, yesterday, our next scheduled sleepover, had him waking up with the same digestive illness I had the week prior. So I spent last night with PunkRock, since WarMan was probably going to be back and forth to the bathroom all night. DarkKnight and I went on a date night - just dinner out at Arby's, and then we went to Walmart to pick up Gatorade and new bedding for WarMan. (Uh, he didn't get his bedding all gross - it was just time for new stuff!)

We definitely need a new way of relating to make this work. I am not doing well with a scarcity approach, that's for sure.
 
Got my period yesterday. Fucking lovely. I went from shark week, to sick week, to having a terrible shitting virus week, to shark week again. Gotta love this life! I was talking with PunkRock last night and I figured I maybe had sex 6 times this month. Maybe. I guess that is still averaging more than once a week, so most of my friends would say that is still a lot, but ugh. It isn't.

Good news is that I am feeling good and blow job week has started in a spectacular fashion. ��

Tomorrow is therapy again for WarMan and I and then I don't know where it will go from there. He is still sick. :( His back injections are scheduled for August 8, and then he leaves for his trip to NM the very next day to see his kids for a week. Then when he returns, my beach trip with PunkRock and my youngest is supposed to happen. That said, that still might not happen, as we are broke. WarMan and I have our one year anniversary on August 17 but we still haven't made any plans, which has me really sad. Everything has been on hold since we've all been sick. Hopefully next week we can nail down some plans. We should at least have more therapy sessions scheduled.

Today was my last official chemistry class, though I have a makeup day for one student scheduled for Tuesday. Another student is 2 classes behind and I have yet to have her on a schedule. I think the week that WarMan is gone is when I will focus on knocking out my curriculum for my Fall Astronomy class. So much to do!

I need to color my hair. I think tonight is a date night with DarkKnight, so I believe we will go over to pick up the dye and our snake needs some mice. So it'll be a shopping date. :) Yesterday I worked on painting another WarMachine model while a mutual friend played a higher point level game with PunkRock at our house.
 
Bluebird, from a place of serious admiration of your overall situation and really enjoying your blog since I joined, why why why are you still doing this thing with Warman? It was over a long time ago. Let it go already.

Or do you want the next year, and the next, and the next to be groundhog year?

I don't know how the he'll the others put up with this daily toxicity or at best disinterest. It's no fun living with a flatmate wishing he was still a lover.

When will it be a case of enough is enough?

Arohanui
Evie
 
Evie said:
Bluebird, from a place of serious admiration of your overall situation and really enjoying your blog since I joined, why why why are you still doing this thing with Warman? It was over a long time ago. Let it go already.
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I'm not speaking for Bluebird, of course, but my sense is that she wants to give it all she's got in the hope that WarMan will wake up and truly realize how much she cares for and loves him, instead of this self-fulfilling prophecy type of behavior he gets into that has doomed all his past relationships.

It's very frustrating to observe how someone undermines their own happiness, and I am rooting for this to work out for both of them. WarMan's being rather thick-headed and stubborn in his beliefs that he's undeserving of a satisfying and loving relationship, though! He's got a lifetime of being down on himself to unravel.

Bluebird, I hope the therapy session goes well for both of you!
 
Echoing NYC's comment, and also adding that serious pain can strain the hell out of even the best relationship. WarMan not only has issues with his self-esteem (which suck), but back pain on top of that? With treatment dragging out?

Ugh.

I feel for everyone in this situation, and hope for some physical help that can maybe (hopefully?) prompt a small uptick in the emotional help.
 
I keep going because I WANT it to work out. I still love WarMan an awful lot.

Honestly, I think therapy has been good for me - and for him - and as someone mentioned a short bit ago, even if it doesn't help save this relationship, it can help he and I going forward separately. I know it has helped me already, in that I now recognize that I need to be really clear in my own mind about what I want in love relationships going forward. Part of what I am working on is articulating that.

Right now, I am hoping a lot of the current disconnect is just him dealing with his back pain and not having anything left to give to me. If that's the case, the best thing I can do is work on my own coping mechanisms, and my anxiety. Me being upset does nothing to help either of us. However, I think he could really benefit with individual therapy as well, in learning how to accept help from others.

That's the immediate concern, I think. The way that I relate when ill - I feel better when my guys hold me, and are helping to care for me. And when they are sick, I feel connected by helping them. Both my husbands have love languages of Acts of Service. I've been trained to give them attention and they give that to me as well. :) However, WarMan doesn't allow me, or anyone, near him when he is sick, so disconnection is amplified with me. Not only am I shut out from my own love language - Physical Touch - but I am then blocked from giving Acts of Service, as I have been used to doing. I am having to learn how to deal with this new way of relating. Honestly, I am trying but it is foreign to me.

Part of it is gauging what would be his normal - can I deal with his current level of disconnection from me on a long-time level, if it is due to him needing downtime to deal with his back pain? If this level doesn't ever improve? That is what I am mulling over. I don't have an answer. I am really hoping that the back pain will be alleviated by the shots, or if not that, then the surgery. If it doesn't let up, and he keeps putting me last on his list - no, right now, I would have to say we are done unless I learn some new coping mechanisms. Long-term, I don't know that I could function without Physical Touch, and I don't know that I want to learn. It's like, intrinsic in me. It TERRIFIES me to think of living without it, as I did for so many years with my ex-husband.

This week has been especially hard - with WarMan having a stomach virus, I have completely detached because he pretty much shut me out. And I let him, because I knew he preferred to just be by himself and be ill and get through it. Though that is definitely not my normal, I tried to bend to match what he needed. I was fine in that I spent time with my husbands and friends and family and wasn't clingy and such. However, I mentally just withdrew from caring. I know that sounds awful, but I don't know how else to deal with someone that just doesn't want anything to do with me. I went through the motions - I was a good girlfriend in that I went out to get him gatorade and brought him probiotics daily and asked him how he was doing - but I did not let myself worry about what I needed from him, but wasn't getting. This morning he was feeling better and tried to be chipper and loving toward me, and I just felt detached. I am distrustful at best, and now that I haven't been with him in several weeks, it's just nope. I can't turn on a smile. I'm edgy and will need a day or so to reorient myself to thinking that this is a person who cares for me.

This is obviously distressing. When I had the stomach virus last week, WarMan DID take time to come and sit with me, and rub my back, and love on me. So he showed me he was willing to bend my way and give me what I needed. So I felt like distancing myself this week when he was sick would give him what he needed. However, it's left me with my detachment, and that isn't good. I have to find a new way.
 
I'm sorry it's so sucky with WarMan. I know moving in right away with your husbands worked out well, but it doesn't usually work out to move in before a year of dating is up. So it's not really strange that it's gotten so dissatisfying. That's just the odds.

I have had severe back issues on and off for almost 20 years. It sure does put me off some activities. Luckily it doesn't dampen my sex drive, but I do need to be careful about some positions. And the endorphins actually usually give me pain relief. Certain cuddling positions though, like when Pixi tried to drape her legs over mine on the couch, do hurt a lot on a bad day.

As you are aware, WarMan has issues with relationships though. I am glad therapy helps a little, and I am sure it will help the longer you go. Like you said, whether it keeps you and WarMan together or not, it will give you more insight about yourself and relationships going forward.

As you know, my Punk has withdrawn from me as well, while he's mourning. (Shit, I hope he comes back some day!) It hurts. A lot. So I feel your pain.
 
We broke up.

He said he didn't want to, but yet everything he said was that he did want to, just using other words. Only I had to pull the trigger. I think he could only be happy if I said it, so I did.

Then he asked if I still wanted to hang out tonight. No, WarMan, I don't want to hang out after you've just smashed my heart into a million pieces.

So, yeah. Things are shit.
 
Oh No! I'm sorry Bluebird! I think you both were really trying but it seemed like a Sisyphean task with all that has been going on. I'm sure it was nothing about you really, he is just not in a good place to have a serious relationship.

Leetah
 
I am sorry Bluebird.
 
Tonight has been full of tears, self-doubt and emo memes on Pinterest. My husbands have been wonderful with witnessing my grief in the space that I need, with no recriminations or judgment - toward me or WarMan. For this I am immensely thankful.

My inbox is filling up with much love from my family and friends. That is also pretty wonderful. What isn't so great is how many guys I used to date or who are casual friends with me, who are posting positive thoughts on my Facebook and who are sending me private messages telling me that they are there for me. It's one part flattery but like 9 parts creepy AF. Seriously - I dated you like two years ago - 3 years ago even, almost! You haven't even spoken over text to me since, and now you are so sorry to hear I am "single." Gah! Guys can be gross.

Anyway...

Basically the therapy appointment just spelled out everything I already knew - his passion for me - for all sex - is gone, he wants to move out on the date - or before the date - when we had agreed to reevaluate things, and though he said he still wanted to see me after, he couldn't articulate what that would look like. Just a hollow promise of maybe. There was no way I was willing to wait and see when he was offering nothing that I needed. I did not want to trade the wonderful that we had for a faded copy of what he has with Monkey. Never ever.

The therapist was really worried about his clinical depression and how it sounded like he was being swallowed by it, but WarMan didn't want to discuss it. He doesn't want to examine his meds, or other therapy.

I'm not worth it.

But I am worth so much more.

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I have two wonderful husbands who are ready, who love me for all that I am.

As much as I still do love WarMan, I have to love myself more.

So I will.
 
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