Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

SoI don’t even know where to start. This week - I think I left off with Wednesday. I had an appointment in DC and then met up with SirGawain for dinner and a movie in Bethesda. I really like spending time with him - I always have. We mesh well. Our sex life together is good - he is switching better than when we dated previously, and even if he’s not as dominant as I was first hoping for, he always makes me feel good and I enjoy being with him. However, I remain concerned about the state of his home.

His bed is complete garbage. When we dated previously, he purchased a topper to help out, and it did - marginally. But this last time I spent the night I didn’t sleep at all. It’s terribly uncomfortable. The bedroom is filthy and hoarded up with dishes and cat hair and dirty clothing. I told him the next time I come over, that I am demanding a clear path to the bathroom from my side of the bed. Honestly though, the bathroom itself almost made me for-real vomit the two times I’ve slept over.

One of my complaints when I was dating SirGawain before was that our dates quickly turned into “stay home and work on cleaning the house.” I enjoy decorating and tidying thing up, but the level of filth is just something I can’t handle. Since he’s working in the city now - he doesn’t get home until 7 pm, which means he doesn’t have a lot of time to devote to cleaning, so I don’t see it getting better. He’s excited about bed shopping with me, but there is zero way anything is getting delivered in his house right now. The smell from all the litter boxes is seriously overpowering.

He has told me on a couple of occasions that he wants me to help him set up his home office. He bought new furniture/equipment and the boxes are in a couple of places at the moment. Honestly, I would enjoy helping him with this project. His office is a little junky and just dirty - like he needs to dust and vacuum but overall it isn’t filthy. But the rest of the house is a huge project.

He’s not really a hoarder. He’s just a terrible housekeeper and lazy AF with cleaning up after himself. Honestly, once his paralegal job becomes permanent, he is open to hiring a cleaning service to maintain things but he’s got to get it to a reasonable level first. Because my own schedule is so very full - if we are meeting up twice a week, am I ok with devoting one of those dates to cleaning? Or rather, pointing at things and telling him to handle it?

Honestly, I am not comfortable sleeping over until he has a new bed and the bathroom is no longer disgusting. Part of the problem is that he gets optimistic but overly so, about the amount of time things will take to get things in a clean condition.

Writing all this out has me focusing on the issue. Yes, I think I am willing to do this. I think I will be seeing him Monday, and I know he is free tonight. If he can spend tonight clearing me a path and making the bathroom less of a superfund site while I am not there, I will help on Monday in his office. I’m going to message him right now to discuss this with him.
 
Ok, I just took a few minutes and made a list of action items for him to handle tonight. I messaged him but I think he is still sleeping. :) Honestly, I like SirGawain a lot. He needs to just get a handle on the level of filth he is living in. I think part of it is easier for him because he just isn’t home. Which should be a positive once it’s cleaned up, because he won’t be there to junk it up.

Anyway. I actually let him put a nipple clamp on me during sex this last week. My boobs are soooo fucking sensitive but it wasn’t too terrible. It just made me louder and more squirmy, which he apparently enjoyed. Lol

Jesus I am such a whore. I had sex with all four of my dudes within a 24 hour period! SirGawain was Wednesday night after the movie. I came home the next morning, completely exhausted from our sex session, but also from failing to get comfortable on his terrible bed. I stripped and fell asleep in PunkRock’s bed after I got to my house - his bedroom is in the basement and it’s so wonderfully dark during the day!

Oh that triggers another story - sidetrack here! I had an orthodontist appointment Thursday afternoon, so that also attributed to me not being able to sleep on Wednesday night. PunkRock took the day off of work last minute so he could transport me - no one else was available, and I had resigned myself to just going to the appointment unmedicated. So when I got home and he was there (though asleep himself) I was so relieved! Anyway, it didn’t matter because I popped a Valium and figured I’d be good to go, but then the office called and rescheduled for this coming Friday.

So I used the Valium as a much needed sleep aid. I got naked and fell immediately into bed and passed the fuck out. I was woken several hours later to PunkRock fucking me. Oh hell yes. I am all about being woken up in this way!!! However, it didn’t last long as he switched it up and started pounding me in the ass from the side. He knows how I like it - my hair was knotted up in his fist and he was just going all out. He has the thickest cock of any of my partners, so without liberal amounts of lube it can be not so good, but apparently my wetness from when he started out in my vagina was enough on this particular occasion! It usually isn’t, so that was pretty great.

After another nap and then showering, I spent the rest of the afternoon with CornFlower at his apartment. He had masturbated earlier so he wasn’t able to finish with me, but damn, he made me feel good. Even though he’s vanilla in the bedroom, it’s not like that’s a bad flavor. Lol I have more to write about him, but I need to cut this short.

Anyway, we hung out, had sex and went to dinner. Then i had to go back home to get ready for my NY trip on Friday. I spent my night with DarkKnight, and when I told him I had already had sex with the other three guys - he got so excited! He did me good that night as well. :)

I did feel kinda slutty after all of this, but it’s a good feeling. It has also had the side effect of making me even more horny. Like, having sex kicks my libido up a notch. Which is saying something, because it’s already so damn high. I am DEFINITELY happy with the amount of sex I am having right now. :)

When I got home from NY on Saturday, PunkRock and I had anal sex again, and uh, I actually needed to masturbate last night too, later. It’s crazy. I’m enjoying the attention though. Maybe four is the magic number in my life.

I will write more about everything else in a bit.
 
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My trip to NY was a drama-filled clusterfuck of sadness. I had to go up by myself, so a six hour drive with four kittens isn’t what I would call fun. I had to RUN to the bathroom every time I stopped, afraid that I’d come back to people surrounding my vehicle after breaking the windows in a misguided attempt to save the kittens! Thankfully that never happened. Lol It still gave me no mild amount of stress.

The kittens were all dropped off st the same location - my oldest dsughter’s née house in western NY. Her best friend used to rent it from her fiancé’s parents, and they know my daughter, so she now has a large house with almost no restrictions. It’s really nice. I didn’t have a bunch of time to talk to her because I had four sets of paperwork to complete, and they usually take a half hour per packet. I had got a late start on my trip too, so it wasn’t fun!

I think my daughter was really disappointed, which makes me sad. She said she plans on coming to Maryland to visit in August.

One of the girls adopting a kitten didn’t have a carrier, so I had to follow her to her house in the next city over. It turns out she lives literally a half mile from my brother’s baby mama. Now, my mom had called me while I was driving, saying that my brother has his kids two days a week and she wanted me to pick her up to go see them. Well, when I called my brother he said he actually didn’t have them but I could call baby mama and go anyway.

Since I was one street over, I figured I would call her and stop in for a super fast visit. She didn’t answer right away, so no biggie. I called my mom to let her know the deal - my brother WASN’T there, but I was one street away so I was just going to stop and see the kids quick if I could. She went nuclear on me.

Screaming, crying, raging. Telling me I was a terrible daughter, asking why it always had to be about me, how unfair this was. I was literally speechless. Like, what? My mom lives a half hour away, so it would be ridiculous to drive over to pick her up. She can see her 2 grandchildren any time. I was like, sorry, but I had no idea why she was so worked up, but baby mama wasn’t answering anyway, so unless she texted me super quick, neither of us would be going.

I hung up the phone just as baby mama messaged me and said to come over. I went, not fucking caring that my mom would be upset. I spent maybe 15 minutes visiting, and then drove to my mom’s house.

My mom was still upset, and she said that my brother continues to lie and take her money. He is again unemployed and he has accumulated a second felony charge. His first was for stealing a bunch of stuff from Walmart last December, and returning it for cash. That felony was pled down to a misdemeanor with conditional 3 years probation, a lifetime ban from that location and a $600 fine. My mom paid the fine. Apparently, my brother WAS ON HIS WAY TO HIS FIRST MEETING WITH HIS PROBATION OFFICER when he went to that exact same Walmart, stole a pack of socks and tried to return them. Boom. Burglary in the 3rd.

Fucking idiot, I swear. At least, like, go to a different Walmart! This means that the first felony now comes back to be faced as well as this new charge. Other charges might be brought for violating probation. I don’t know. Apparently he told my mom he went inside and got arrested - I got to share the news that he actually stole again.

While I was there he was yelling at her over the phone, wanting money for cigarettes. Nightmare. I am very certain he is abusing his subbies again, at the least.

Anyway, the plan was for my sister and I to go to dinner, and it ended up being me, her new boyfriend and her, and her oldest son. My brother was supposed to be there but he didn’t have any money to buy himself a meal, and my mom flipped out again and wouldn’t go if he couldn’t. She didn’t have money to pay for him or herself, and I was willing to cover her meal. Anyway, it was a mess and it was probably good for neither of them to go.

My sister is in a custody fight with her husband, who she is currently separated from. After we ate, she and boyfriend left, and I sat and talked with my nephew for like an hour. He is one of my favorite humans ever. I really enjoyed that part of the trip.

Back to my mom’s house and we talked and then went to bed. Will write more later.
 
I did get to visit the place where we spread my father’s ashes into the lake. So that was good. I took my mom Saturday morning before leaving. I couldn’t wait to leave. I am tired of thinking about my extended family though I thought I had lots more to say.

I spent last night with CornFlower. He showed up after work with Dynasty Warriors 8 for the PS3, and I have beaten 4 battles so far. He’s such a sweetie to get this for me. I think his Love Language is giving gifts. Is that a Love Language? I forget. Anyway, he treated me to dinner (I actually paid the last two times in full) and then i mentioned that I had seen a dump bin of Hot Wheels cars at the grocery store earlier in the day. LMAO Bad idea! Of course we had to go right over and look. I helped him empty the bin and I found a super rare Treasure Hunt! He was in disbelief. Lolol Apparently it took him like 8 years to find his first one, and here I am, about two weeks in even knowing about Hot Wheels, and BAM! Lololol Of course I gave it to him. He was so excited and happy. Afterward we went back to his house, talked a bunch and then went to bed. No sex last night but that was okay. He was cuddly.

Tonight I am supposed to go over to SirGawain’s to help him with his office. I have a ton to get through today though, with the kittens, the Blessing Box, and there’s always laundry. I am tired at the moment. Sigh.
 
I ended up canceling with SirGawain on Monday - I was so busy that day it just didn’t work out. PunkRock and I planned to leave earlier than I expected on tuesday, so a night of no sleep would have sucked ass. On top of that PunkRock ended up going to Urgent Care because of a horrible rash of Poison Oak. While I was gone on Sunday, he did a bunch of yard work and ended up COVERED. Ugh. Poor guy. His original rash was just leaving, and then he went and made things at least 4 times worse!

We still went on our little adventure though! PunkRock had 2 days off in a row so we left early on Tuesday for the beach. We had talked vaguely about hiking and staying at a state park, but instead we drove to Assateague and spent the day in the water and in the sand. We both got sunburn - which upset me because I was a fanatic about applying sunscreen. I had a small amount on my upper back, but PunkRock’s face and chest were bright red. Everywhere I put sunscreen on him & me, we were fine. Just sayin.

The next morning everything had faded except for PunkRock’s chest - it still looks pretty angry even now. Anyway, we decided to stay out of the sun and went to DC to visit the American History museum. I had never been and I enjoyed it. There is a super cool “Within These Walls” exhibit that I was absolutely in love with. It’s an entire house that has been set up, and then they tell the history of the structure over 200 years - how it’s been modified and changed, and stories of the families that have lived there.

We left the museum when it closed, and I messaged SirGawain about places to eat. He had just gotten off of work himself, so we all ended up at the Cheesecake Factory again. I was happy to see SirGawain! He and PunkRock seemed to do okay. Actually, I haven’t seen PunkRock be so very chatty in quite a while! So that was good.

DarkKnight was already asleep when we arrived home and I haven’t seen him yet. Imma do that as soon as I finish up here. Today is going to be crazypants - I have a lot of Box business to handle. I have an entirely new Back to School idea that has me bouncing up and down. I can’t wait to share it and hopefully help my city out! Before that though, all of the drop offs over the last few days have got to be marked and checked and stored - my living room and kitchen are a wreck.
 
I keep forgetting to update. Hello! I happened to wake up super early today, but I am not counting out going back to bed after I write this. :D

After my trip with PunkRock, I predictably started getting itchy, and I started medicating for a yeast infection. Fuck water. I swear, I can't have any summer fun without my vagina spazzing out. I got two doses of Diflucan and I did a 3-day course of over the counter Monistat. Ugh.

I ended up going to stay the weekend with CornFlower. It was just going to be Friday night, but then SirGawain canceled the entire weekend with me - his job demanded 25 hours of overtime suddenly, so my schedule opened up. He didn't have time to do any of the cleaning we discussed either, so I haven't had a sleepover or seen him since last Wednesday, when he met me and PunkRock for dinner.

NRE is still hitting pretty hard with CornFlower. I can't freaking help it - he is so amazingly my kind of dorky. He's the skinniest, shortest dude I have ever seriously dated. I mean, my ex husband was super skinny but he was tall. (And honestly, when I say skinny in regards to CornFlower, I mean skinny relative to DarkKnight and PunkRock.) Holy crap though, I can't help but love CornFlower! I messaged him on Sunday after I got home that I was completely smitten, and he said he felt the same, so that was pretty great. This Thursday will be our 1-month mark, which I didn't realize until I went back through our messages. I think it seems much less than that - time goes fast when I am with him, plus I am hella busy. He invited me out to dinner last night, so he picked me up after he got out of work and we reconnected over enchiladas and fajitas. I went back to my house afterward and had a sleepover with DarkKnight. lol

I am still working on setting up my Biology classes for the Fall. I had follow ups that I sent out to 3 families last night that are iffy, but I need to lock down one way or the other, and 2 other families that I REALLY hope do sign up. Payment is due this weekend, and then I can start ordering all of my supplies.

Today I have therapy and I am focusing on trying to find a home for my two remaining foster kittens - Strickland and George. They're bonded and need a home together. Tonight I am having a sleepover with CornFlower, and then tomorrow I am with PunkRock. Thursday I am back with DarkKnight, and Friday is again a sleepover with CornFlower. He's going to drop me off Saturday with SirGawain, and then after he visits with his kids, he may meet back up with the two of us to play some board games.

SirGawain has been super busy with his new job, and that hasn't really been a positive for our relationship. He is messaging me regularly and sending me links to restaurants he wants to take me to soon, but it kinda has had the opposite effect than what I think he intends. They're all expensive places and that makes me feel uncomfortable. I know he feels good about finally making some money again (he was unemployed when we dated previously) but there is no way I can afford to go dutch at these places. I am not at all interested in having him pick up the tab 100% every single time we go out. The thought makes me feel a little disconnected from him, to be honest. I think he just is so happy that he wants to spoil me, and encourage me to love him, but it actually makes me feel a bit disconnected. He's making bank as a paralegal again, but I never date dudes because of their money, and throwing cash around just feels wrong when a guy does it. Now that I am writing this, I think this might link back to my issue about presents and my ex husband. I am going to ask my therapist about it. Do other women care about guys picking up the tab and wining and dining them? I feel my internal compass might be off on this.
 
Bluebird said:
Do other women care about guys picking up the tab and wining and dining them? I feel my internal compass might be off on this.
Click to expand...

I'm not sure if this is a rhetorical question, but I'll answer anyhow.

I am a generous (though not wealthy) person, and tend to "treat" others if and when I can. Therefore I don't mind if others do the same on occasion. Having said that, I don't really date people casually. I have no problem accepting gifts or being wined and dined by my SO's. It can be tricky in the beginning of a new relationship however...

Basically, I don't like to feel under an obligation to anyone, especially someone with whom I haven't yet established a trusted partnership or friendship. If it feels like the person is trying to hard to "buy my love", show off, or if they act like paying means I "owe" them sexual or other favours, I'd be uncomfortable and refuse. Not sure how one can determine these things... but you just get a feeling.
 
It wasn’t rhetorical, so thanks! It’s hard for me to judge normality, since I haven’t lived it.

I always try to pay my way on the first date, and then alternate paying or go Dutch after that. With my husbands, I almost always pay since I have the card to the joint account. Our meals and fun come from that, so it’s no biggie. Sometimes I tell them they’re treating me, and then they pay with their account. Lol Dating is different so it weirds me out. I also feel strange when I have to pay a few times in a row because the dude is broke at the moment. Like, is this a red flag? But I am not dating with the intention of merging my finances with someone else, so if they are shitty at budgeting, that doesn’t bug me too bad.
 
I hear you on not wanting to go to those expensive places that you can't pay your own way at. I don't like other people paying for my meals, and I don't like paying for other people's. The first might not be intended in a toxic masculinity way but it always comes off that way to me, even when the person is a woman or another femme or enby. It just sets my hackles right up. The second is because I know how much I hate having my meals paid for and I probably project that onto other people.
 
If I had a rich boyfriend I wouldn't mind in the least if he wanted to take me to nice places and pay for me. But I love gifts. It makes me feel feminine and taken care of to be treated. it doesn't make me feel beholden or like I owe anyone sex.

I guess I've never had a creepy guy pay for my dinner and then act like I owed him pussy though. That would not be good.

I'm not overly concerned that SirGawain wants to take you to nice places to celebrate his newfound income. I'm more concerned he lives in a pigsty. I can take clutter; I'm not a neat freak. I can't take actual disgusting filth. I've dated (briefly) a couple guys who just had filth everywhere in their apartments. Cat litter scattered completely across the bathroom floor. Mounds of laundry all over the floor and bed of the bedroom. Junk mail papers covering the living room floor. Piles of old takeout containers on the counter (which when I got him to throw them out, were found to be full of mouse feces), 2 feet of dog hair drifted under the bed in mounds, trimmed beard hair all over the bathroom sink.

That, to me, was and is a complete turn off. It speaks ill of their self esteem.
 
I have dated men with a lot more money than me ( which is not that hard lol ) and expensive tastes. I either buy a round of drinks or pay for the tip if it is an expensive evening and then pay for a cheaper meal another time. Sir Gawain is offering because nice food is something he enjoys and he wants someone to share the experience with, you!
 
There's also the part where he may just want to have those experiences - of nice restaurants I mean - so paying for you, too, is just part of the cost of the experience rather than a "gift" or a "wants to wine and dine you" thing. I mean, were I more wealthy and if I had a partner that couldn't afford nice restaurants, I would _totally_ pay for them to come with me because it's something I enjoy and enjoy more with a partner.
 
Thanks everyone for the different points of view. It really helps a lot. I had a therapy appointment yesterday and I discussed this issue with my counselor. Basically his answer was to talk about it with SirGawain. Which I was going to do anyway. Lol

Mags - his self esteem is an issue, for sure. Depression too, I think. It’s definitely a symptom of something.

He messaged me today to say he was making the cleanup on his landing (which is just all the new boxes of furniture he’s purchased for his home office) a priority, as well as the bedroom, because he’s decided to go ahead and purchase a new king mattress set now and worry about the bed later.
 
Yesterday was surprisingly busy. I had nothing on my calendar in the morning but then ended up being scheduled down to the minute before too long! PunkRock and I went out to lunch after sleeping in late, and then I had to rush back to meet up with someone who wanted to see our new foster kittens. (Did I post about them? We have a momma cat and her four babies!) My daughter messaged and asked if we could all come over because she made her brother a birthday cake. So, as soon as DarkKnight got off of work at 3:30 (PubkRock had the day off already) the 3 of us went to their apartment. My son had turned 29 on Wednesday, but he had to work from 2 pm til 11 pm, so there was no celebrating then.

After cake and milk, we left to meet CornFlower in Chambersburg. I was scheduled to have a sleepover with him and he wanted to go to dinner at Fuddruckers. I told him it was silly for me to drive there and back alone and I didn’t really want to do that. So, he said I should have DarkKnight come along. That surprised me, but in the end, both my husbands went! After the meal, CornFlower and DarkKnight went together to Target to go look for this specific Transformer model and PunkRock and I finished up eating and drove home.

At dinner, we were all in a booth and my guys were so sweet y’all! Upon arriving - we were there for maybe 5 minutes before CornFlower - PunkRock asked if he should sit on the opposite side of the booth, so that CornFlower could sit next to me. I said no, first come, first served. Lol So he sat right next to me, as per usual. After getting his drink, he left for the bathroom, which darkKnight was just returning from. DarkKnight then proceeded to ask if he should sit on the outside of the booth, so CornFlower could sit directly across from me.

I was really touched by how my husbands were so concerned about making CornFlower feel comfortable! But I told both of them they didn’t need to be so conscientious - just sit where they were used to, and CornFlower could deal with sitting diagonally from me. Lol

I then got up to go get my drink and CornFlower arrived and gave me a very nice kiss. He was disappointedI had already ordered, and said he had wanted to pay for me. I told him he would get another opportunity lter in the week. Lol

Anyway, after DarkKnight and CornFlower left, PunkRock finished eating. (That was one of the reasons I suggested the two leave together - PunkRock had ordered this ginormous plate of nachos and was still working on them when everyone else was finished.) We got our cookies and left, and on the drive home PunkRock remarked that he could see why I liked
CornFlower - he looks a lot like a skinnier DarkKnight. I had to think it over, but he may be on to something! They both have dark curly hair, a similar nose and facial hair. And glasses. They both work in IT and have the same interests - Transformers, super heroes and such. The thought that I suddenly have a type made me laugh.

We all met up at home and then I packed for my sleepover, and then left with CornFlower.

I have to say that yesterday was intense in that I hadn’t had sex in a while and the proximity to my guys all day had me buzzing. I couldn’t keep my hands to myself at the restaurant, and I honestly hadn’t felt this way in a while - I wanted to fuck, and I didn’t much care who it was! Usually I have a strong preference depending on the day, but holy shit, DarkKnight is looking super sexy to me due to his weight loss and he’s been really attentive to my needs lately, and PunkRock had just showered and shaved and spent the morning wrapped around me in bed, so I was attuned to his energy. I made out with both of them while the other was away from the booth in the restaurant. Holy hell it was hot. Then CornFlower showed up and kissed me and I was just dripping wet all during dinner.

I got calmed down and my body redirected itself to focus on the guy I was with though, so by the time we got to CornFlower’s place, we were able to have a fun evening playing Cards Against Humanity and a game of Joking Hazard. (We had dummy hands to play with fake 3rd participants.) So that was fun. I had a Zima. Lol His cat pissed on one of my shoes, so that was less fun. I ended up throwing them away - I am going to go to Payless later today to get a new pair of brown sandals. Sigh. Now I am going to keep all of my things in CornFlower’s bedroom - we already have to keep the door closed because otherwise she comes and pees on the floor when I am there. Yeah. So that happened.

We had good sexy times last night - it lasted a little longer because I ordered myself a purple vibrator, which wr’ve Taken to calling Shockwave (Transformer reference). It was fun to use it on myself while he played with my tits. They were super sensitive as always but it was still a good time. :)

I want to write more but this is already long and I need to eat something.
 
I'm glad to see that you are taking care of yourself medically. We do likewise here mostly out of necessity. I see many others and my hubby does likewise, of course his is always oral. I think it's overkill, but he has his teeth cleaned four times a year so that should give you some sort of idea on how careful he is. I guess it's sort of playing Russian Roulette. All the best!
 
What th' ....?


Leetah
 
Not really sure what that post is about, but okay. Safe sex is important, as is oral hygiene.

So anyway, I had a really great weekend. I’m not even sure where to begin to talk about stuff. I am so fucking SQUEEEEEE. I never in a million years knew it was possible to be so in love with so many before. It’s so crazy wonderful, but it’s also a little confusing. Like, is this real life right now?

I really want to write a long update but I can’t keep my eyes open. Here’s about my hubbies - I will continue tomorrow about SirGawain and CornFlower.

Ok, this weekend DarkKnight just was 100% the DarkKnight I know and love. I wasn’t home, yet he kept the house ticking over and took care of the new kittens and the Blessing Box. It would be impossible for me to see anyone at all without him in my life, and the support and care and concern he gives to me is absolutely amazeballs. When I returned today after a few days away, I tagged him out so he could go to the gym and do whatever else he wanted, and when he returned he went out on a drive to pick up Blessing Box donations with me. I’m always so glad to see him - his smile just lights me up. I have a sleepover with him tonight, and he’s been oh so sweet and attentive and all I wanna do is be held by him, and fall asleep in his arms. I am LOVED. I am KNOWN. I am this man’s wife and I can’t imagine ever not having him in my world. I will never deserve him, but I will continue to try. He mentioned maybe going to the Maryland Ren Fest this year - we've never been. One of our first dates was to the Faire in Houston, so I think that would be super fun. I need to get it on the calendar and budget some cash!

I missed PunkRock fiercely this weekend, and when he came home from work today I just wanted to be nearby. He kissed me many times, and when he’s around, I need to be kissed by him. Lol I ordered him in his favorite pizza for dinner, got caught up with his schedule and talked to him about plans tomorrow. (His dad and stepmom are visiting from North Carolina and we are going to go to dinner with them.) Just looking in PunkRock’s eyes is an invitation and I really wanted to strip naked, rub my body on his and just allow our energies to meld together. He and I are soulmates, and my entire being just resonates when he is near. But, it was already late (he worked to 8 pm) and DarkKnight needed some attention. Since we have a sleepover on Monday night, our sexy times just had to wait.
 
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Ok, awake now. Of course if I go to sleep at a reasonable hour, I'm up at the asscrack of dawn. I'm not sure why that's how it works. lol Here's my update on my boyfriends - these entries will be a bit longer since my relationships with them are evolving more!

So, SirGawain. Oh, I am so all over the place with him. I talked with him about how I feel about being invited to fancy places I probably can't pay for, but I am not sure he gets what I am saying. He was like, ok, and then changed the subject. I am easily led off topic, so that was kind of the end of the conversation. Later - I kid you not - he showed me his bank balance on his phone, out of nowhere. This really threw me off, as I am not sure where he got the impression this was something that mattered to me. It made me feel unsettled, actually, because having 5 figures in his savings account just underlined how inequitable our financial positions are. I *think* maybe he thought he was being reassuring, like look, I can afford to pay for things, so chill out about it, but what it did was make me feel shitty about only having $400 or so to last me the next week and a half. Clearly I need to talk to him more about this subject. I also *think* it may tie into his kink - he's very subby (though not with me) and he's into being dominated financially, maybe?

THAT said, he had made an effort to clean his place up a bit, and I appreciated that. Still, the smell upon walking in was daunting. I didn't shower while there as I didn't want it sticking noticeably to my hair. Yeah, it's bad. I told him I was willing to help and he was appreciative. We are going to get together on Thursday night, and I think we are going to clear out and get started on his office then, as putting together his new furniture and equipment will get it all out of his hallway and stairwell.

I had a fun time with him on Saturday, after CornFlower dropped me off at his townhouse. We went right out to lunch since I was starving by that point, and then we spent the day running errands, and the evening at the gaming club. Our sexual tension was a real, living, visible thing - holy hell I was just DRIPPING WET the entire time we were together. First off, he had said he was going to buy me a toy to use at his house, so we went to a sex shop. I was appalled by the prices, but we ended up getting a vibrating dildo that used batteries and was really not worth as much as he paid. I mean, it was fine, but overpriced. He bought the batteries there as well, and last minute we got some bondage tape, which I had never used.

Um, the bondage tape is FUCKING SWEET. Later on, I felt it was much more effective than the underbed restraints he had previously purchased, and oh my goodness it was super fun. I'm not sure what the hell happened to SirGawain, but he was definitely not bottoming from the top that night! He made me feel AMAZING, and the sex was really, really good. He ended up cumming in my ass - and his dick was the perfect size for it (PunkRock is just a smidge too wide and he always has me thrashing around lol). Fuck, I am getting wet just thinking about how good the sex was! Anyway, yeah, we are going to get some more bondage tape in the future. lol

I think having the all-day buildup definitely added to the excitement. Being in the sex shop with him was fun as well. I teased him with the idea of going into the video booths in the back, but we didn't this time. I think it might be a hot thing to do together later on though. I've never been in one and neither has he!

I remain a little sad that I will always be using condoms with him, but it is what it is. I don't feel like that hindered my experiences with him this last time, anyway.

So where am I, ultimately, with SirGawain? I almost told him I loved him a couple of times, but I held off. I definitely can say my feelings have grown for him. I don't have NRE, so that's kind of a weird experience. It remains to be seen how being able to spend time with him will go - his job keeps him busy and the amount of hours he has to put in, combined with his commute, will really hinder our getting together as often as I would like. I do feel *something* but labeling it as love has me hesitant. When I broke up with him before, I cared about him but I was all over the place and couldn't get WarMan out of my head. Now I don't feel like that is an issue at all. Yay therapy!

Interestingly enough though, SirGawain stayed to help me sort and organize in my overflow room yesterday, after bringing me home. We spent about an hour marking UPC codes and putting things away. It was SO VERY helpful, and I really appreciated him doing so. Afterward I was sitting on the couch next to him, and my Facebook memories showed that yesterday was my 2 year break up date with WarMan. That kind of tweaked me a little bit - it was surprising to see all the emo memes I had posted - but ultimately it was a good thing. I wasn't sad about the breakup, or concerned at all. I didn't feel anything but a little bit of shock that the date didn't even matter.

One thing that I really did think about after, was about a particular meme that I had posted:

"Someone can be madly in love with you and still not be ready. They can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. And whatever their reasons you must leave. Because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. There is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen, out here in this wide and wild universe. And there is the love that will be ready."

So yeah, that.

Anyway, I am growing my feelings for SirGawain - it"s almost like I have a little ember in my heart and it's expanding. Like, I can physically feel it in my chest. It's a neat experience. He makes me feel good in many ways (not just the physical) and I think it's a healthy sort of love. My relationships can start so fast and so furious that it's an interesting thing when they don't. I think it might have, if I hadn't had to still deal with the emotional flotsam that was still floating around post-Warman, so that altered what might have been. But, maybe now we're going to end up even better.



Edited to add - while we are at the gaming club, we spent a bunch of time with a member who totally ticked all of my boxes on someone I would date - big burly bearded dude who is into history, gaming and nerd talk. I was super interested, but I had to tell myself to knock that attraction down. My schedule is busy enough! At one point this dude spread out on a body-size beanbag chair and holy hell, I wanted to lay down with him and make a big ol cuddle pile.
 
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DarkKnight just brought me my morning chai and I'm feeling a little warm inside. That said, I looked over and my box of cheese danishes is moldy. That kind of fucking sucks. Hopefully that isn't some sort of sign or metaphor about the rest of today.

I am getting tired of writing but I still need to get info down about CornFlower. It's important to me to be able to post about how things are going with him because when I wrote earlier about relationships starting fast and furious - yeah, I got it bad. My NRE is glorious, the lightness in my body can't be contained and I am just all around bouncy about this guy. SQUEEEEEEE

Shit, I really need to do other things now, but dammit, he deserves equal time here. lol

I really, really do see myself having a long term relationship with him. He's dorky AF but he's my kind of dork. Every time I think about him I can't help but smile. I want to tell him everything and hear about his everything. He was missing me yesterday (in spite of having seen me less than 24 hours earlier) and invited me out to dinner. Yeah, our NRE is sick. We probably make anyone looking at us ill. :D

When he dropped me back off at my house in the evening, I seriously wanted to make out right there in the car, but I had two Blessing Box visitors pull up and they wanted to talk to me, so that put a damper on things. When CornFlower made it back home he told me he missed me. Already. lol I knew exactly how he felt. Ugh, it's terrible. lololololol

I have an overnight scheduled with him on Wednesday, but it already seems way too far away at this point. I need him with such intensity, it takes my breath away when I focus on it. Did I mention I have NRE? :rolleyes:

We did have fun on our Friday overnight, and I think the vibrator I bought really enhanced things. I talked to him about our sexual compatibility a bit - I definitely consider him one of the most vanilla partners I've had, but I haven't figured out if that's because of a lack of experience on his part, or his anxiety over trying new things, or just zero interest. He told me on Saturday that he thinks he's had really close to a hundred partners, which took me aback for a moment, because he definitely doesn't read as such. He admitted it was definitely quantity over quality - he said when he was in his 20s he'd go on a couple dates, have sex, and then the chick would ghost him. Honestly, I can see why - his sex game is on the weaker side. It's a bit of a pink flag, if I am being honest. If I were monogamous, I think it would ultimately be a dealbreaker. I'm not though, so that's good for both of us.

He's kind of awkward with foreplay, and he's never tried to initiate any sort of sexual encounter anywhere other than the bedroom, and even there it's a bit stilted. Like, if I compare him and SirGawain - shit, SirGawain fingerbanged me on the steps of a library on our second date. lmao I can't imagine CornFlower ever doing anything remotely similar. I don't think it has anything to do with D/s, or desire. It's just an overall uncomfortableness with sex that CornFlower seems to radiate. I don't know if it's a conscious thing, or if he's even aware of it. It's just an awkwardness that I would expect to see in someone with MUCH less experience and zero confidence.

Maybe it is a confidence issue. Hmmm. I will think about this.

His stroke game is weak - he cums super fast and then he is done. If I were anyone but myself, I would not be cool with this. I don't ever have a problem since I cum really fast, but a regular woman would probably not be fulfilled at all. Of course, maybe he is different when he has another partner that requires more attention, but I'm thinking probably not. I'm just imagining not having the magical orgasms that I do and yeah, without those I would really be unhappy with him in bed.

But I am me, so yay for that. :D If it is just self-esteem and a lack of confidence, I think I am a good remedy for that. In a way, I am fucking perfect for him. lol I am a huge fan of him physically - I definitely dig his dick, and his body and getting to know both much more intimately. :D Honestly, even with his weak sex skills, I am down to get naked with him at any opportunity, because I find him incredibly attractive in all sorts of ways. And he doesn't have to worry about me not having an orgasm, as that sort of thing NEVER happens to me.

It really is interesting though, to think about how different each of my current partners are from each other. But this is definitely outside of the norm for me, as it's been my experience that guys in their late 30s have the opposite issue - they take a long time to orgasm, or have erectile dysfunction problems that can extend the length of a session. Once Cornflower gets in me, it's all over - he's that sensitive. It's really strange.

Combine that with what I am now considering a confidence issue - yeah, there is work to be done. Like, we tried anal a little while ago and we had some trouble getting into the right position and then being able to get it in, but we eventually managed. I was enjoying it - awkwardness like that still feels pretty good, and it takes time to figure out what works when you're with a new partner. He ultimately got lightheaded from over stimulation and we had to stop, but I would not have considered it a terrible time at all. It was fun for me, for sure. The other day though, he alluded it to it during a conversation and said he didn't think we were compatible for anal since he was so short. I was like, wait, really? We tried it once! It's ok to try again, and again, and again! Why in the world would we want to stop trying? Jesus, I think DarkKnight and I tried at least 6 times - he was my first serious butt-fun partner and he had to work me up to it. (Of course, since then he's sworn it off completely, but that was a personal preference, not because he thought we weren't compatible for it.) SirGawain and I had to try a few times to get his dick angled up correctly on Saturday - he had to apply a bunch of lube to his condom-covered dick, and poke at me quite a bit. We got it there eventually! Sex is funny. Sex isn't about perfection - it's about enjoying the silliness sometimes. All the time.

I don't know if CornFlower realizes this. I kinda get the feeling he's judging himself harshly and that's just bizarre to me. He's amazeballs and I want to have fun fucking him. I definitely am looking forward to exploring him more - and that doesn't mean just anal. I crave time with him in and out of bed and I just want to share space with him, period. Whether that is cuddling on the couch, riding his dick or playing Hyrule Warriors on his Switch - I am a fan. Like, a huge fan. :):):):):):)
 
OMG exhausted. I had to get up early and take our momma foster cat to get fixed. I’m back home now and I am ready to go back to bed! PunkRock and I had a sleepover last night so he got up with me and came along to the vet, and we snagged some McDonalds drivethru for sustinence. We also stopped at the local glass shop, as PunkRock had a shelf he had purchased to pick up, and I asked about pricing for new doors on the Blessing Box.

Anyway, we are home now and PunkRock is already asleep. I’m about to try to find my own way back to dreamland.

I just wanted to get down that I had a really intense experience with PunkRock last night. If I wait to write about it I probably will not be able to remember everything. Though, I am so freaking tired right now I doubt I can get it all here before I give up and fall asleep!

Anyway, I figured we would wait til have sex til this morning but I was super horny before going to sleep, so around 11:30 or so I pulled out a vibrator to take care of things but PunkRock was ready and willing to assist. Lol I started my period yesterday, so that made me less than enthusiastic about certain activities. but let’s just say that blowjob week started off great. :)

PunkRock had taken some pain medication previously, so he wasn’t able to finish through oral alone, so he was interested in anal. Sure, no problem, right? I fucking LOVE anal. Well, it’d been a while and I don’t know why I always forget how much PunkRock’s dick is not made for anal. Lol at least, not with me. Holy hell it has got a wide head! Even with lots of lube it takes a bit. Still, omg it’s amazing once he gets it in eventually. It just fills me up like DAMN.

Well, he had trouble cumming that way too (stupid meds) and he just starts pounding away. I am trying to push back and stay involved but the pressure and feelings are so intense that I have to just give up and hold on to the pillows for dear life! It went on for a while and my good time is punctuated by my regular orgasms here and there. (I have them even with anal, but they feel slightly different.) Anyway, near the end PunkRock is just slamming into me, almost completely withdrawing with each stroke. This is quite unike anything he has done before and quite unlike anything I’ve experienced - especially with a penis with this wide girth.

All of a sudden, an orgasm hits and it’s unique. I’ve had a metric ton of orgasms over my life; I didn’t think there was anything new there. WRONG. Oh my god it’s like a wave, but a wave of bursts - like my rolling orgasms but with punctuation. I was shaking so hard but I couldn’t even react. I was face first into a pillow with my ass in the air just trying to not pass out from the intensity. I swore I squirted at least twice and I remember worrying that the sheets were going to be covered in piss. I was embarrassed about that. When I finished though, PunkRock was done, and just so concerned about me. I was concerned about me too. Lol

I actually didn’t make much of a mess at all - I must have hallucinated the squirting because nothing like that had happened. Like, what? My legs were complete jelly afterward when I went to the bathroom to clean up, and when I got back into bed I was crying without even being conscious of it. PunkRock held me until my body calmed down. Holy fuck that just doesn’t happen to me. Lol

This morning my butt is fine - I was concerned I’d have huge gape like in a porno but everything is back to normal. I just had a regular poop so it’s all good.

I’m still amazed by that new type of orgasm. I am not sure I want to experience it again though. Lololololol
 
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