Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

[Bluebird]

My date with the wife went well too! Oh I liked her! We chatted like good friends for several hours over dinner at 28 South. Honestly, I would date them separately, no hesitation. I enjoyed the first date with each of them.

They are both really open about me being able to see them together, or separate, and that they understand that things might not be shared equally and that is fine.

I told both DarkKnight and my daughter that I had good feelings, but no NRE. But then all of a sudden BAM! Glitter brain! Lol I’m feeling kind of squee right now!

I’m also exhausted though. Today was a ringer, getting set up for my free decoration giveaway tomorrow. I’ve got a TON of work to do tomorrow morning, and then hopefully it will be popular and time will move fast. I miss SirGawain and can’t wait to see him. I didn’t have a sleepover with him tonight since the giveaway is tomorrow, but he will come over after and we will have game night. I was missing him tonight and having the date with…oh I need to come up with names! Having the date with this new woman took my mind off things, but I did think about him and I did talk about him during the date!

I want to share all sorts of information, but I am exhausted. Later, I guess. I did see the husband tonight as well - she doesn’t drive at night, so he said hello when picking her up - and I gave him a kiss goodnight again that was sweet. He texted me later and said that he was feeling butterflies! I was like, awww and then BAM. Lol I felt them too. I gave her a kiss and a hug as well and she smelled NICE. Ha! It was just something I noticed.

Both of them have actually already gotten referrals for testing, and they are actually going tomorrow to get it done. It’s so weird. There was no hesitation or discussion. I said that it was super important, and they agreed. I was worried it might be an issue - I definitely had a throw back to when HippieChick was resistant to being tested when she started dating PunkRock, and said it wasn’t a priority because she wasn’t even sure if she wanted to be intimate with him. (Right, and then she told him she wanted to be monogamous and they’re married now but whatevs.) Anyway, it really stuck in my mind - just that one experience - that some people don’t think testing is important. Though, in my 9? years of being open, that was literally the only time anyone ever had pushback to it. Despite that being a singular thing, I dunno, it just made me nervous slightly that maybe it would be an issue. But it was not only NOT an issue, they both scheduled testing immediately, and both made sure to add the HSV1 & 2 tests to the panel. Funny thing, apparently her doctor said okay, but then didn’t include it! So she had to call and request it to the paperwork as well.

 

[Bluebird]

Today was crazypants. Lots of love going out to the city through my decoration giveaway today, as we were absolutely slammed from the second we opened. The line was down the loading dock, into the parking lot and out into the street. Never have I been that busy, and we were cleared out within the first half hour! I was running back and forth to empty out totes to replenish the tables full of stuff - that were now empty - and as soon as I put stuff out, it was gone. I was able to keep things from looking too bare, but damn. Lol

We had only about half as many trees donated this year, so that was a little sad. They were in very high demand. There was one lady that sat and stayed through the entire time we were open, just in case her name was pulled in the tree raffle (we draw every half hour - and the tickets are free). Thankfully she won at the very last pull! I post video of the tickets being pulled, and I call the winners, so she didn’t have to stay, but she wanted to stay anyway, which was fine.

After the event ended, I received pics that made me tear up - trees set up with decorations that existed there because of me. It’s so amazing to see! I love what I do so very much.

I also handed out a bunch of sequined Squishmallows to a ton of kids - someone had donated them a while back, and the tote they were in ended up at the building where we held the event this time. It was pretty great!

I was totally done though, by the time things ended. I took a shower when I got home and just kind of collapsed into MisterMoonbeam’s bed. We ordered pizza and watched the latest Wheel of Time episode. DarkKnight had his first performance in Elf: the Musical tonight, and he had already seen the episode earlier in the day.

SirGawain came to sleepover and we talked a little about the couple I am now seeing. I guess it’s all good. He seemed less apprehensive, anyway. We are all getting together next Sunday in Frederick for dinner and an escape room - MisterMoonbeam bought gift cards on Black Friday, so it only cost us an additional $24 to add the couple.

Ugh, I really do need to make names for them on here. It’s awkward.

I’ve been talking to both of them on and off today through text and they are so very different in their communication styles. It’s interesting to me. I have tons to write about but I am tired now.

They both did go and get tested this morning, and some of the guy’s results are already in, which surprised all of us.

I have NRE with the guy but I have to say I am horny AF over the woman. I keep reading and watching bi/lesbian porn so much more now and I am ready to GO. Lol

 

[Bluebird]

Sunday was good; SirGawain, BugGirl and I went to see Elf: the Musical together and it was fun. I had forgotten from when I saw it last year that DarkKnight had the lead starting solo in the song, “Nobody Cares About Santa.” So that was really nice to have that surprise! He sounded so good! We were all excited to see him get beat up by Buddy the Elf - DarkKnight played the Macy’s “Fake” Santa (You sit on a throne of lies!)

SirGawain and I had a sleepover Saturday night but I was way too exhausted to initiate sex, and I guess that upset him. He texted me a little bit after going home Sunday, and said he tried to start things up with me, but I don’t know when. Lol I was seriously out of it. However, I did know he was super snuggly and touchy-feely with me and I LOVED it.

We texted a little bit last night and I really get the impression that he’s still in this place of loss with his ex, and he doesn’t believe that he has a solid place in my life. Like, maybe a bit of imposter syndrome? He doesn’t see his value as a good human being and partner. I’m not sure what else I can do to build him up, to be honest.

I feel like we have a solid schedule building now of where I go and sleep over Tuesday nights at his townhouse in Frederick, and he comes to my house and has a sleepover Saturday nights. We have game night with MisterMoonbeam and DarkKnight on Saturday evenings. I look forward to our time together, and I love him lots. I’m not really sure what to do about our relationship right now - my kids all like him okay, my nesting partners enjoy seeing him, but I feel like he still is unhappy, but in a way that I can’t touch.

I keep hoping that SirGawain makes progress with his therapy and that will help him with his depression. I think he goes biweekly via the internet/zoom/online. Maybe he needs more time with me? He hasn’t asked for any, but I will absolutely rearrange things as best I can if he needs more physical time with me. I’ve told him this and he says no, it’s fine.

This Saturday when he was here overnight, he showed me a Facebook picture of PunkRock getting a dog with his wife. I was like, uh okay? I looked at some other posts (I honestly hadn’t felt a desire or any interest all year) and it just solidified that this PunkRock is not someone I know. He was wearing and making tie dye tshirts and has a dog - like this is not the man I knew and loved. He’s also gained some weight and just looks…old and tired. Lol Not that I look much better, but there is zero attraction or desire from me to know this person. So that was good, I guess? It looks like he’s totally changed himself to be what HippieChick wants in a partner, and everything he is now is different. I’m okay where I am at and I honestly don’t care if he’s okay where he is at or not. I just have this feeling of indifference.

I did think it was weird that SirGawain showed me the photo, but I don’t think he meant anything by it. It piqued my interest to look at PunkRock’s feed, but then it just sort of was like, uh, okay, yeah, I still don’t feel any further need to keep looking at this. However, at one point PunkRock did post photos of my blind cat, and that sort of angered me, since he basically abandoned all of his pets here, and definitely never followed up to arrange for their care or support in any way. So there was a small irritation that he would post photos of an animal he has absolutely nothing to do with.

Anyway, blah.

Just some stuff I was working through my head this morning. I’m going on a second date tonight with the husband half of the couple I am seeing. One thing today I am going to do is figure out names for them here in my journal! I am definitely feeling NRE and ai know it isn’t “real” because when I try to pinpoint what has me feeling all giddy - yeah, I know nothing about this dude even though we’re texting a lot and gaga over each other.

I need to post more but this is getting long. I do want to talk about being a unicorn and how I am navigating things with that.

 

[Bluebird]

Well, the husband messaged me this morning and broke things off. He says he can’t get over the fact that individual dates = cheating. This is what I have been concerned about from the beginning with him, as he seemed SUPER into me, but also scared. He said it’s a combination of his upbringing, his wife’s potential disapproval, and his anxiety about being with a woman without his wife being present at the same time.

Not polyamorous.

I’m fine. After our group get together last night, I had a one-on-one with the wife and we talked for like 2 hours about all sorts of things, including sex and relationships. She said she was struggling with the idea of her husband going solo, but was okay with it. I guess he picked up that she really wasn’t?

I’m a little bummed but I am cool with it. I’m happy this happened before we slept together. Could have been a shit show.

 

[Bluebird]

Both of them are texting me this morning. She had no idea he sent the message and she seems very upset. I told her that I have zero desire to come between them or be involved in drama.

This has stirred up some memories from when I was with D, waaaaay back at the very beginning of my polyamorous self. He was the very first guy I dated when DarkKnight and I opened the relationship, and he was a mess. He broke up with me every single day because he was torn over dating a married woman. I have no desire at all to revisit that time in my life, yet here I am.

MisterMoonbeam says he will give me snuggles later, and I am sure he will.

 

[SlowPoly]

Both of them are texting me this morning. She had no idea he sent the message and she seems very upset. I told her that I have zero desire to come between them or be involved in drama.

This has stirred up some memories from when I was with D, waaaaay back at the very beginning of my polyamorous self. He was the very first guy I dated when DarkKnight and I opened the relationship, and he was a mess. He broke up with me every single day because he was torn over dating a married woman. I have no desire at all to revisit that time in my life, yet here I am.

Ugh. I'm so glad this is before the sex feelings complicated things. I'm sorry they had to learn this about their relationship with you as the catalyst. Such a bummer. {{all the hugs}}

 

[icesong]

Ouch, sounds like you definitely dodged a bullet but that sucks in the short term.

 

[Bluebird]

Yesterday morning I pretty much spent 4 hours texting with the husband and wife, more with the husband. Clearly they have a disconnect with what they want, and I found myself in the middle. End result though, I am happy to no longer be involved in their drama. He was using me then as a therapist of sorts, and I told him that I could not be that for him.

The situation still sucks, but it wasn’t right. He is terrified of polyamory, and she isn’t able to get him to bend on that. Not that she should! Ugh.

I spent a good part of the afternoon shopping at the mall with MisterMoonbeam, delivering Christmas gifts to seniors, and fielding messages and phone calls from my son. I was actually stressed to the max since my morning set a course of anxiety, but the evening ended better. SirGawain called me and listed to me vent, and his concern felt like a warm hug.

When I was finally back at home, MisterMoonbeam helped me get all of the rest of my Christmas gifts for the community organized, so I have a handle now on which of my donors flaked out. It’s more than normal, but it should be manageable. I put a list up of a few items, and they were all sponsored immediately. I have more I will have to post tomorrow. I posted a list of gifts for a few medically fragile, bed bound teenagers - and those were also all sponsored quickly. This morning the same organization reached out and asked if I could help with getting them some very specific items for a pair of children who can’t regulate their body temperatures, so I got that up and running.

Dinner last night was Sushi Bomb with MisterMoonbeam, followed by a quick bit of grocery shopping. DarkKnight is in the basement, sequestering himself as he’s been ill the last few days. MisterMoonbeam had the same thing a few days ago but bounced back. Lots of congestion and coughing as the stuff drains. I’m fine. Not Covid!

This means though that the house is falling apart. DarkKnight does a lot of the cleaning as we made a pact that I’d do the litter boxes in exchange. Lol MisterMoonbeam did some dishes today, so at least that’s caught back up!

 

[Bluebird]

Yesterday was exhausting. I spent the morning at the vet’s office, where a kitty I was helping died before she was injected with the euthanasia drugs. It made me feel better to know that the right choice had been made to put her down, but it still sucked a lot.

My son buried her in the backyard. It was good to see him, but I would have appreciated better circumstances! He helped me deliver Christmas presents all over town, and then I took him grocery shopping. There’s still a crazy shortage of canned cat food in my town, and I personally ended up ordering from Chewy online while right in the store!

When I arrived home, there was just a mess of drop offs and gifts to wade through and I was done. Only to receive a couple of long, shitty messages from the wife of the couple I had been seeing, saying how neither of them had ever agreed to date separately, and how I was to blame for everything that went wrong. Rather, I can’t blame them and I shouldn’t. Seeing how it was written right in her OKC profile, and that’s exactly what we had been doing from step 1, I was confused and soooo not interested in more back and forth. She also complained that I didn’t make out with her in the car, so I am probably not bi. This actually made me laugh, because I didn’t make out with her husband either.

I responded once, and I received another long diatribe about how I was wrong and not reading anything correctly. I unfriended them both on Facebook and didn’t respond. They are absolutely unicorn hunters. Disappointing.

The doorbell rang and it was SirGawain AND the Amazon delivery guy at the same time. He and MisterMoonbeam brought the absolutely huge pile of parcels inside and then I started crying a little. I got hugs, and then we went to dinner. What was kind of hilarious was that we went to Cafe del Sol, which I had been two twice this past week already, with the couple. The waitress was the same, and she recognized me and asked if I was going to start paying rent?

We stopped at the ice cream place on the corner on the way home and it was chilly out, so I ran back to the car, telling the guys they could walk home. (We are like 4 houses down from the place.) I was joking and didn’t leave, but MisterMoonbeam responded by shouting “try to not to date any new men on the way home!” I misheard him. I thought he said try not to fuck anyone on the way home. So I yelled back, “I fuck who I want, I’m a ho!” He and SirGawain died laughing. So did the two dudes who I didn’t know were sitting in the truck next to my car.

Because I was such a mess, we didn’t have game night again. Instead I crawled into bed with SirGawain and tried to decompress by playing on my phone. Then we watched an episode of Vikings and I was OUT.

This morning I woke up to cats wanting breakfast, so I fed them. I did some straightening of my porch and now I am thinking about food of my own. The Amazon pile is huge but I don’t feel like tackling that at the moment, but I have to do that at some point this morning. I also need to sort out my groups - I have to deliver Senior gifts to the Commission on Aging and the Meals on Wheels programs tomorrow. That is of course, if they are all here. I *think* they are, but they are literally scattered in totes all over the place. So that’s a priority today. I also have about 10 totes going to a nursing home in Boonsboro and 10 going to a nursing home in Maugansville. Those are also all over the place. Once I get these sorted, things will make much more sense in my house! I have 30-40 bags/totes being dropped off over the next two days for teens, so I DEFINITELY need to make space!

Tonight the polycule is going to a Christmas themed Escape Room and I am excited. Since we definitely aren’t taking the couple and we paid for their slots, instead BugGirl is coming with the guy who is visiting her from Texas. I am hoping DarkKnight will feel well enough to attend - he’s still coughing his head off.

 

[Bluebird]

We won! Not only did we escape with almost a half hour left, we tied for 7th fastest of all time. We’re pretty amazing. Lol Unfortunately, DarkKnight still wasn’t feeling too well, so he stayed home. He’s going to get another Covid test tomorrow, while MisterMoonbeam and I will be getting our boosters. To be clear, he doesn’t have Covid, just a cough, but the doctor won’t see anyone unless they have a very recent test.

 

[Bluebird]

MisterMoonbeam and I got out Covid boosters today, while DarkKnight had a Covid test. He’s hoping the results come back quickly tomorrow morning so he can see the doctor to get something to quiet his cough. He’s going to work from home tomorrow, which makes me happy as I have to use the car to deliver gifts to some Meals on Wheels folks and some seniors at the Commission on Aging. I’m exhausted - today was hella busy and the effects of the shot have me wanting to sleep!

 

[Bluebird]

The shot kicked my ass - soreness, I’ve been lethargic, exhausted - each of my limbs feel like they weigh a hundred pounds a piece. Ugh. Feeling a little bit better today but the last two have been a struggle, especially since I’ve been working nonstop to get presents in and out of my house. MisterMoonbeam took days off of work and just slept through his side effects!

DarkKnight tested negative for Covid, and got some prescriptions from his doctor. He’s back to work today because he has no sick time left. He’s still coughing terribly and not feeling well. His boss won’t let him work from home, so he’ll go into his office and shut the door. Not sure what the difference is? Ugh.

Today is my “day off” but I have lots of people to deliver gifts to from 11-1. Tomorrow I am supposed to be hosting a “wrapping party” for like 15-20 individuals that live at different nursing homes. All of their gifts are here and ready to go, just need to get them wrapped and sent out! Hopefully my volunteers can get it done so I can move them outta here on Friday.

My overflow space is better than it has been, but it’s still too big of a mess to actually host the wrapping party right now, so that’s an issue. Lol A big part of it is my laundry - I’m going to knock that down just as quick as I can today!

I’m hungry. DarkKnight made me chai when I picked him up this morning to take him to work. (I was in Frederick with SirGawain last night.) I’m tired too though. I should prolly go crawl in bed with MisterMoonbeam - I just spent an hour filling the Blessing Box and checking out the status of the overflow space that I just wrote about. Ughhhhh. I also need to budget for the rest of the year. I’m so broke it’s painful.

 

[Bluebird]

Got my period. On time this month!

 

[Bluebird]

Sooooo tired of Christmas.

There’s an end in sight, though it seems like I’ve seen half the town this past week! I got the overflow space usable, but a HUGE amount of donations came in, so now I will be working on the room for the rest of the evening, I think. Laundry still isn’t all done. Fuck.

I HAVE to play a board game tonight too - a game store owner gave us one to beta test like a month ago and I feel guilty AF for not making time for it. Well, that time is tonight! It’s happening no matter what. Right now I’m waiting for DarkKnight to get back from a grocery store/fast food run and then I will eat, and then maybe do another hour in the overflow space while someone reads the rules! Lol

 

[Bluebird]

So tired. Like, bone-crushingly weary.

 

[Bluebird]

The last two days have been awful - I’ve had a sore throat that has stolen my voice and left me absolutely exhausted. DarkKnight was sick last week with a thunderous cough which morphed into a sinus infection, so I am afraid he’s passed some of that love along to me. He tested negative for Covid, so I am fairly certain I would be as well. I’m not motivated to go get tested because my entire body is exhausted.

 

[Bluebird]

I’ve gotta go take a shower as DarkKnight is bringing home the car to me today. He has a full day of work. I’m going to do some last minute shopping with BugGirl - I have one gift to buy for DarkKnight and one for SirGawain. I actually thought I had the one for DarkKnight! Ooops. Sir Gawain though, I had this thought from the beginning but never got around to ordering it! However, it’s something I can buy locally so no worries.

I need to get the tree up today too. I’m super excited about that, but also a little nervous. It might be emotionally charged since a lot of the ornaments are memories with PunkRock. I’m hoping not though.

 

[Bluebird]

My emotions are all over the place. The tree is up, but it’s not decorated - I am going to do that this morning in a bit. Just bringing the totes of ornaments upstairs last night made me get teary, so I decided to sleep on it.

MisterMoonbeam is a mixed up depressive mess right now too, as the holidays are rough for him due to some things that happened when his late wife was alive. Unfortunately, with both of us out of sorts, neither of us are particularly useful to the other - he needs space and I need less of it.

Apparently my sister and her live-in boyfriend both have Covid really bad. MisterMoonbeam and I had planned to stay at her place for a few days on our trip next week, but now we can’t, obviously. So I posted on Facebook about not going, and my mom freaked out and called me this morning, hysterical. She said she can’t do this anymore, this up and down emotional nonsense. I’m like, what? She didn’t know my sister had Covid, and she’s really upset that this means we can’t visit. I’m like, we can’t afford to stay four days in a hotel without planning it ahead of time! So now I don’t know.

The thing is, I know she’s not vaccinated either. When I brought that up, she got even more upset and she doesn’t see why that’s important. Sigh. I messaged MisterMoonbeam this morning about it. Maybe we will just drive up for one night. Sigh. We had been talking about running away to Ocean City so I don’t know. I am so very tired! I don’t even wanna think about it at the moment, honestly.

 

[Bluebird]

Merry Christmas from BugGirl, DarkKnight, Me, and MisterMoonbeam!

BugGirl is Pterodon Squad, I’m Team Stego and MisterMoonbeam is sporting an ankylosaur! Of course, DarkKnight had to rep his favorite Dinobot Transformer with Me, Grimlock! Lolololol SirGawain wasn’t spending the night, so he’s not in the picture - he was here earlier for presents with us and my kids (and LittleMichigan’s boyfriend). After that he had to go see his extended family for their regular Christmas Eve gathering. I’m going with him tomorrow morning to meet his siblings. His dad will be there too, but I met him once a few years ago already.

We did our gift opening and I got absolutely spoiled rotten! It was a lot of emotional work for me today, but it was a great payoff to see my family so happy with their presents, and I felt surrounded with love and understanding.

 

[Bluebird]

So much has happened since I last posted. I’m not sure whether to continue in chronological order or just let my words flow in however they fall from my fingertips as I type.

Right now I’m at the Hagerstown Airport, waiting for MisterMoonbeam to finish dropping off our rental car. We ended up driving to New York on Sunday morning after all. We got a hotel one night and took my mom to dinner. Or rather, we picked up my mom, then picked up dinner and then went back to her apartment because the things she was saying would not have been okay in a public setting.

Ha - I started writing this yesterday and then got completely distracted. It’s now Wednesday and I am getting anxious because I’ve gotten nothing down here!

Anyway, my mom is unvaccinated, and she told MisterMoonbeam and I that we’ve been injected with baby parts, and that we will be “in the know” in a couple of years when we start having terrible side effects. She also bragged that she had gotten her flu shot - but not the Covid vax. Sigh. I can’t even remember half of the stuff she said at this point, but it was crazy talk. How the shot is communism and how we were communists. Oh, and she had a picture of Trump on her living room wall.

My mom is so tiny and fragile, y’all. I don’t even know how to meld these two people together in my mind - she’s so fragile and I want to fix her life and her poverty and her loneliness, but at the same time she’s all full of ignorant viewpoints and I can’t stand to listen to them.

We dropped off gifts on my sister’s doorstep, and I stood on her sidewalk and talked to her. She was 20 days with Covid - like bad. She didn’t go to the hospital but she said she almost did. She was still sick - coughing and just looking generally like death. That said, SHE WAS GOING TO WORK THE NEXT DAY. I was like, what?! You’re sick still! She said it would be fine, because she would be wearing a mask and she didn’t have a fever anymore. I asked her if she had tested negative, but she said she heard that didn’t matter anymore.

OMG my family is fucking nuts. She works at Burger King, and yeah, she went to work the next day. The fact that people like her and my mother exist just have me feeling some sort of way.

We had planned to take my mom shopping for clothes on Monday, but she said she didn’t really want new clothes. Instead, we went that evening out to Wegmans, and we had her fill her cart. She was so hesitant and it hurt my heart. I told her to get what she needed, but it wasn’t until I told her to focus on stuff that she couldn’t buy with food stamps, that she actually spent any of our money. She refused to get any meat, saying she couldn’t afford it normally so she didn’t want any now. She did leave with a full cart, but it was like pulling teeth the whole time.

I was so very DONE with everything that night. It was great to be alone after, with MisterMoonbeam in the hotel. We went swimming and had the pool and hot tub to ourselves, so that was nice. Saying that, it was sad for me. There was no sex at all. He had forgotten his rope back at home, when he had told me to expect that. I’ve just been really sad about the lack of sex again, and to not have anyone at all wanting to comfort or love on me in that way.

The next day - Monday - was really great though. We met up with my nephew, who is absolutely my favorite person in the world. We had lunch at PF Chang’s, and he gave me a bracelet with pride colors, saying it was a gift from his gay self to my gay self. Lol Had me feeling so happy! He shared that he was probably moving down near Philadelphia in a few months, and how he was excited to start his life post-college. (He just graduated with a Bachelors in Musical Theater.) This was definitely my favorite part of the trip.



Afterward, we drove home to Maryland. MisterMoonbeam was kinda manic a bit - for some reason, he gets very…up whenever we come home from a trip. I mentioned that to him, but he said it was just coincidental. Lol Anyway, he was talking about all of the places he wanted to go, and events he wants to attend, coming up. Number one being the Masquerade Ball in January - we already have tickets, and we went and got our Covid booster shots so we would be compliant with their requirements. But he was also talking about and looking up kink events. He was excited and putting things on the calendar.

It was nice to have him do this, but it just felt me feel more unseen and unheard about my dissatisfaction of where we are at in our sex life together. He wants to go to this paddling party, a kink 101 event, and a cuddle puddle party. The fact that he’s not interested in meeting my needs, but in the same breath is wanting to go out and explore kink just makes me feel sad and depressed and more alone.

The next day, I get more messages from the unicorn couple. The guy had sent texts before Christmas, saying that he still wants to talk. His wife finally messages me - I guess this was yesterday, saying that she is glad her husband reached out and she’s fine with us talking. And that she’s sad that I misunderstood what she meant with the last long list of stuff she sent to me. I’m just like, wtf. There’s not much to understand with what she said - that they WEREN’T EVER GOING TO DATE SEPARATELY and she questioned whether I was really bisexual since I didn’t try to make out with her on our last date. So yeah, that got me all sorts of upset and confused again.

On top of that, I’m stressing MAJORLY about how messy and unorganized our house currently is, and the state of what it looks like when we are talking about selling in a couple of months. My annual paperwork is due this week to the Secretary of State for my Blessing Box, and I have had no time yet to do the math and complete it. The city has also made it clear that I need to file for my 501c3 and become a nonprofit as soon as possible. I’m overwhelmed by that and what it entails, and I cannot afford to get a lawyer to do the paperwork. It’s not overly difficult to do in my own, honestly, but it’s overwhelming when I have so much else going on.

So MisterMoonbeam and I went to see the new Spider-Man movie (DarkKnight and SirGawain went together to see it while we were in New York). He was SO LOVING and attentive and he couldn’t seem to keep his hands off of me. I was like, what are you doing? This wasn’t like him at all. I was a little overwhelmed because it was a complete change than he had been with me all weekend. Rather than it being comforting, it made me uncomfortable and confused.

So yeah. I really wanted this week to be calm and a time to relax and reflect, but instead it’s a fucking disaster. It all came to a head yesterday afternoon and I just started crying. I have no idea why. Nothing really triggered it, but I was a mess. I ended up canceling my overnight with SirGawain. I took DarkKnight and MisterMoonbeam out to dinner and felt a little bit better.

When we went back home, I went to bed, and MisterMoonbeam was rubbing on me again, but then got sucked into his phone games. I sent him a link about some fun d20 dice sex games and he just kinda grunted and ignored it. I asked him if he had read it but it was clear he didn’t. I then asked him if he had looked up the rope ties I had sent him pictures of, the week prior and he was like, uh, no, not really. This really sunk me down low again, because those pictures had me SO EXCITED and he had said he wanted me to send him things like that so he could look them up and practice. But apparently that wasn’t the case.

I let him be again for a while, and then I rolled over and cupped his dick, but again, I was rebuffed - there was ZERO reaction. I ended up leaving and going out to the living room and crying for a bit, before returning to bed and just trying to find a way to fall asleep.

This morning I feel a teensy bit better but I really don’t know where to go from here with anything going on in my life. I’m just a mess. I’m hoping this is all just from the holidays and that things will get better as the New Year approaches. SirGawain says he wants to host a party, and though I am excited about the idea, I just am unable to put any energy toward the idea at all because of everything else going on right now.