Gay triad advice?!

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Drummerboy74

New member
Hey everyone

I posted something in here back in December. My hubby (together 15 years, married for 8) and I are 38 and 40 years old, respectively. Last September, we met an amazing young man, Ted, who changed our lives unexpectedly. He contacted us online and asked us if we’d like to hang out. He wasn’t “out” and had never really met many gay people. We had no problem with that.

Turns out, the hubby and I have fallen in love with him, and he with us! He really wanted to be with us from the beginning. It took a few months for us to be comfortable with it. We have been together for 10 months now, and in all honesty, it’s pretty amazing. He is only 24, but a very, very mature 24, with independence and a very good job. The three of us click very well. We do a lot of things together. Ted told us a few months ago that he loves us, which was unbelievably amazing.

We have yet to meet anyone in his life, however. He is still not out, and none of his friends or family know about us, or about this situation. The hubby and I have told most of our close friends that we are a triad, but no family members (though I think some of them assume something is up). However, our families have met him quite a few times, and love him.

We are about to meet 3 of Ted's best friends on Saturday, as we are all tailgating together at a Jimmy Buffett concert, and this is really, really exciting for all 3 of us. We can’t wait to meet these friends of his, as they are obviously very close and important to him. And he is excited for us to meet them, as well.

The only thing I may be seeking some sort of advice on is, how do we increase the odds of this lasting a long time? He has mentioned to us that sometimes he thinks, “I can never bring both of these guys to my extended family reunions, or anything like that." He said telling his friends about us won’t be a problem sometime, and it will probably come out to his close, immediate family. But he has concerns and questions about the bigger picture. I think he really wants this to last, but is afraid and unsure of how we can actually make this work long, long term. We have told him that all options are on the table in the future, and that we are willing to discuss anything at that time.

I just find myself constantly worrying about the fact that this could end sometime, and that frightens me – a lot. We really, deeply love this young man! He’s very special to us. Is there anything we can do to make it more likely to continue on, or will it just play out in one way or another? He still has to come out, and then eventually tell his close friends/family that he is in a relationship with an older, married couple. Sounds daunting. Ha. I know he has no intentions of leaving us anytime soon, and he truly does love us! I just fear that at some point, the weight of the situation may cause him to bolt, and would definitely leave us crushed!

Any advice?
 
I guess no one's touched this topic because we don't have many gay triads hanging around? But really this is simple relationship dynamics. You have a lot of good stuff to work with. Don't worry too much today about how it's all gonna end, and why. Let it play out, and enjoy what you have.

Accept your fears and realize you have no power to reduce the risk of them coming true. All relationships end. Some take a lifetime and death to end them, some end for other reasons. Worrying ahead of time about when or how that will happen stops being useful when it switches from a quick check-up to address a specific concern to constant worrying. Then it's just diminishing the happiness available to you all right now.

Everyone's intentions are good, you communicate well, and you want to be together. There's no push or pull you could enact that will help him with coming out. Support him in his journey. Be the family that will always be there for him. Your choice is only to accept, or decide you can't accept, the ways his being in the closet affects your relationship. You sound like you would accept a lot to keep this happiness flowing. And that makes sense.

Then set all that shit aside and enjoy this lovely time in a loving triad relationship.
 
It seems to me the situation is complicated by the fact that he's not out, but aside from that, just take things as they go. You all care about each other and you can make it work. Because you guys are married, there is always the option that he can invite you as his "married couple of friends" if he doesn't want to be out.

If he does come out... it will be like with being gay, I assume. Some people might feel a bit weird about it, worry about him, but with time they'll realise that's just who he is, and that he's happy. Be there to support him if anyone rejects him (acceptance for polyamory isn't too high) and make sure he feels like he can rely on you.

With you guys being married, it could be easy for him to feel like the odd one out. With him being younger, he could feel used, etc. These are concerns his close friends and family are likely to bring up, and it's not personal against you. Just try and stay polite and state clearly that you love him, you will not take advantage of him, and you would never want to hurt him, and with time they'll realise it's true.

Good luck and keep us in touch. :)
 
Thank you both for your responses. Things really are going amazingly well. I just always have this underlying fear that because Ted is so young and so "aloof" sometimes, that the rug is gonna be pulled out from under us, and we'd be completely crushed!!! We are both in love with this kid, 100%.

Anyway...

On a similar note, yet totally unrelated, the three of us are going to Disney World at the end of Sept, which happens to fall on the one year anniversary of us becoming a triad. What do you think would be a good thing to get someone that says "We love the shit outta you" but that wouldn't be too over the top (like a ring of some sort)?
 
It's difficult without knowing him. But I think a nice gesture would be to find something for all three of you. Something you could all carry that would be a reminder that, while only two of your are married, all three of you are committed to one another.

As you said, a ring has connotations that are a bit too strong, but maybe some other piece of jewelry could work, if any of you wears jewelry. Or a keychain or something. The idea being something that you'd all carry with you, and looking at it you'd remember the other two are also carrying theirs right now.

Failing that, a framed picture of the three of you would be nice, as well, along with a card. Or a reminder of an activity the three of you enjoy doing together.

Sorry if my ideas don't work. I'm trying to suggest whatever I can think of. Who knows? Maybe one of my suggestions will give you a better idea. :p
 
I think that true love must by definition involve real risk. If there's no chance of ending up with a broken heart, then it probably wasn't that great of a romance to start with. Does that make sense?

As the old saying goes, "Better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all." No matter what happens in the future, you know that what the three of you have right now is a good and beautiful thing. So treasure what you have here and now, and don't torment yourself with what-ifs.

I can't imagine much you could do to improve the odds of longevity, that you're not already doing. The most important thing you can do with the young man that's with you is, offer him your unconditional love. No matter what he does or what path he chooses in life, your love will always go with him.

Re: picking out a gift to give him ... works best I think if you base your choice on what you know about him personally. What kind of gift would he find especially enjoyable and meaningful? Think about what you know about him and go from there.

Hence I have no specific suggestions because I don't know him at all as well as you do. Anything from gorgeous flowers to a leather jacket might be perfect for him. Be expressive and creative in whatever you pick. I think you'll choose well.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
I think that true love must by definition involve real risk. If there's no chance of ending up with a broken heart, then it probably wasn't that great of a romance to start with. [...] No matter what happens in the future, you know that what the three of you have right now is a good and beautiful thing. So treasure what you have here and now, and don't torment yourself with what-ifs.

I can't imagine much you could do to improve the odds of longevity, that you're not already doing. The most important thing you can do with Ted that's with you is, offer him your unconditional love. No matter what he does or what path he chooses in life, your love will always go with him.
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I agree with Kevin. The best you can do is love him; be caring, respectful, emphatic and sincere. Be the best company you can be for him. After that, whether the relationship lasts longer or not, either way, you will have done the best you could on your part. He is a human being with a mind and determination of his own, so it's also his choice.
 
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Thank you all again for your responses. Much appreciated.

Kevin, you make a lot of good points. I think it's just my nature to worry about things, unfortunately.

On a very positive note, we have now met his group of close friends twice (hung out with them this weekend as well), and although they don't technically know he's gay yet (even though they def do know), we get along very well with them, and they with us. That's a very comforting feeling. His friend even texted Ted and said, "I fucking love them, dude!" Made us feel awesome! :) So I hope that if and when he tells his close, best friends who we actually are to him, they will be a little more accepting, since they already know us and like us a lot.
 
That really sounds great. It almost seems like when you just go with the flow and don't try to force things, you get the most sustainable outcomes. Nourish it and let it grow. I'm happy for you guys.
 
Glad to hear things are continuing to go well. :)
 
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