getting over the hurtle of jealousy..

It's possible that it just didn't occur to Blue that you would want a text from her, that it would matter to you or be important. You might want to have a brief conversation with Blue in which you say, "Hey, send me a text sometimes ... that would mean a lot to me."
 
kdt26417 said:
It's possible that it just didn't occur to Blue that you would want a text from her, that it would matter to you or be important. You might want to have a brief conversation with Blue in which you say, "Hey, send me a text sometimes ... that would mean a lot to me."
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Definently. Ive entetained the idea that she may not realize how important just one message could mean to me. I miss her and shes been in a place where its essentially a week long party. I just wanted her to tell me that she was okay (eating alright, because when im at a thing like blue is at its very difficult to keep up with your bodys needs. Its like you go into autopilot). So ive just wanted to have a couple exchanges throughout her whole exp because i wished i was there with her and ive just felt left out again due to blue having conversations with red every day since shes been away the entire time.

Shes had issues with guys in the past regarding relationships and sex because, men, right? Lol. But shes told me and red shes never had an O and I was able to do that for her as well as red. Which she 100% honestly has never experienced with anyone else. So i can understand why she would be reserved based on her past experiences.. but i want her to know i am far from the typical guy. And its sad because i know she already knows that for the most part.

I will see her friday and bring this up when we have some alone time. I hope she just didnt realize it hurt me. Im too senstive but at least knowing that would make me feel amazing because i've let myself be vulnerable in that i care way too much.

I know red and blues relationship is not really my place
to talk but idk. How can she have extremely intimate sex with me in a very positive light and then just seem to not care at all about keeping in contact with me. Im not trying to compare myself anymore but its hard. Youre right though, i cant get inside of blues mind and know exactly what shes thinking. I need to stop trying to even do that but its hard.
 
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It sounds like you just miss her and wish you were there with her. I'm sure she will understand when you get a chance to talk to her. I know it's hard, seeing her text Red all the time, but try not to make assumptions about what she's thinking.
 
You and Blue have to talk together on your own.

I just dont really understand why she couldnt have just sent me a text to check up with me so i knew she was having fun and doing alright.
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Did you ask her to text you while away?

How can she have extremely intimate sex with me in a very positive light and then just seem to not care at all about keeping in contact with me
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Because to her, you might be a FWB at this point in time.

You haven't asked her out on a first date yet from the sound of it, much less asked her to be your GF. So she might not think to treat you "like a BF" with texts while away and whatnot. She might not put "texts while away" in the FWB bucket. She might put them in the "BF" bucket and you are not a BF yet.

Where you might put that behavior in the "Friend" bucket.

This is all part of the "getting to know you" phase. You cannot just assume other people share your beliefs or values. People are not cookie cutter copies of each other.

If you need something right now? You have to actually ASK Blue for what you want.

And separate yourself from Red's stuff. Red DID ask Blue to be her GF. So comparing (Red + Blue) stuff to (you + Blue) stuff and how come you don't get the same? Well, you don't. Your leg of the triad triangle is still in development.

You may have to ask Red and Blue to help with the separation of the dyads. For Blue to talk to you direct and not be like afterthought "Oh, btw, tell tryingtobecontent that too" when she's talking to Red.

Galagirl
 
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I understand that blue most likely looks at me in the light you are explaining, somewhat of a FWB. I completely understand that we wont develop at the same time or maybe a long time from now. I did ask blue to text me the last time i saw her bec i wanted to hear that everyrhing was going alright, that rhe drives were safe, etc. Its not out of country just across the states.. youd think at some point during that drive shed think, hey, i can let (me) know that everythings been great. I get to her it from red. Im not going to let something stupid like this get under my skin.

I am in no way trying to compare individuals, its just been in my experience that even friends talk through text or the phone occasionally.. even if a couple times a month lol. I dont believe that its necessary i just kinda thought it was a given. But i get it, its about her not me. As I stated earlier, Blue is coming for the weekend so I will let out some of my feelings and thoughts
 
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I did ask blue to text me the last time i saw her bec i wanted to hear that everyrhing was going alright, that rhe drives were safe, etc. Its not out of country just across the states.. youd think at some point during that drive shed think, hey, i can let (me) know that everythings been great. I get to her it from red. Im not going to let something stupid like this get under my skin.
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That's what I mean. If you DID ask her, Blue could talk to you direct. Not be like afterthought "Oh BTW, Red, tell him that too."

You don't have to let it get under your skin, but if these things are important to you, when you talk to Blue this weekend, let her know what you prefer she do.

Galagirl
 
Thank you for helping me think these things through Gala, its like reconditioning my brain. Ive been feeling so confused and somewhat lonely in that I need someone to talk to about this that wouldn't think different of me.

I'll speak up but I'm not going to be pushy with her, I do definitely want to talk to her in private how I feel about communication.. Red knows now that this has kind of bothered me, I let her know that I 100% did not want her to say anything about it to Blue. I want things to progress without her feeling uncomfortable.
 
Ive been feeling so confused and somewhat lonely in that I need someone to talk to about this that wouldn't think different of me.
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So why are you talking to Red about it?

I'll speak up but I'm not going to be pushy with her, I do definitely want to talk to her in private how I feel about communication.. Red knows now that this has kind of bothered me, I let her know that I 100% did not want her to say anything about it to Blue. I want things to progress without her feeling uncomfortable.
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Have you considered that talking to Red (to unload your upset about Blue not texting after you asked Blue to) is basically telling Red how her GF upset you? And since Red already seems to have trouble not inserting herself in the (you + Blue) developing dynamic? Telling her stuff you really ought to be telling Blue directly makes more problems?

If nothing else, it's not keeping personal boundaries between dyads clean.

Seek other people to talk to about your stress/feelings. People who are not inside the potential triad system. Friends, family, whoever.

Most of this could be solved by telling Blue this weekend you'd like to date her too. But if she's not up for that, you are ok with it being a V thing with Red as the shared hinge.

And then you could bow out of participating in any more FWB sex stuff with Blue so you aren't confusing your own self by fueling your crush on Blue. Like here's this this person you share sex with but cannot actually date. Why frustrate your own self like that?

Galagirl
 
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She wants me to grow with Blue as much as i do. She really wants everything to work out. Red is far from upset and wants to know how i feel. Shes usually the person that initiates these conversations. I try to avoid them lately because like i said, i need someone else to talk to.

Red and i are very open about our emotions. If she was uncomfortable hearing my feelings about this situation she would tell me, im trying not to get inbetween them.. but she wants it so bad she trys to help me but doesnt realise it may be doing more bad than good. I can tell in our day to day life she has been very happy which is great, i love seeing her happy. This weekend should make life a little more clear.

You say that i should be telling these things to directly to blue and i understand that, i just have not seen her lately in order to even get a chance to talk to her.

And about people to talk to, i have no family i could talk to at the moment and im very lacking on the friend side of things as well. Im working on developing some real friendships and have taken steps forward. Its embarassing to say but its the truth unfortunately
 
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She wants me to grow with Blue as much as i do. She really wants everything to work out. Red is far from upset and wants to know how i feel. Shes usually the person that initiates these conversations. I try to avoid them lately because like i said, i need someone else to talk to.
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Don't avoid. Address it directly and set a boundary. Like...

"Red, I know you want everything to work out. I know you want to know how it's going. But I'm not getting the space I need. So please stop asking me how I feel so often. If there's something to share, I will tell you."​

Red and i are very open about our emotions. If she was uncomfortable hearing my feelings about this situation she would tell me, im trying not to get inbetween them.. but she wants it so bad she trys to help me but doesnt realise it may be doing more bad than good. This weekend should make life a little more clear.
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All the more reason to tell Red to back off a bit and give you some space.

Have you ASKED Red for this help? Doesn't sound like it. "Help" unasked for is intrusion.

It's fine to be open with your emotions. Could be open then.

"Red, when you try to "help" when I haven't asked for any? It's intruding and stepping on my toes. It stresses me out when you behave like that. I prefer you let the (me + Blue) dynamic to be sorted out by me and Blue. Give us some time and some space to do that work in, please. Stop being all ants in the pants."​


You say that i should be telling these things to directly to blue and i understand that, i just have not seen her lately in order to even get a chance to talk to her.
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If you choose to wait to talk in person, then wait. Even if not comfortable doing the waiting.

Otherwise, have the talk on the phone.

And about people to talk to, i have no family i could talk to at the moment and im very lacking on the friend side of things as well. Im working on developing some real friendships and have taken steps forward. Its embarassing to say but its the truth unfortunately
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That's ok. Keep trying to make friends. But in the meanwhile, find OTHER outlets. Keep a journal. Talk to the sky. Talk here. Could stop over-relying on Red. Even if she welcomes it? It's not esp healthy for you to be overly dependent / codependent.

Looking ahead to future if you do have another partner? Blue or someone else? They also might not like you sharing (you + them) stuff with Red so much. Some things in a dyad could be private.

I get that it leaves you on your own right now, since you don't have a friend network built yet. Yet you still could do the work of detangling from Red anyway.

https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49

Approach this triad in as healthy a way possible.

Galagirl
 
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Glad it helps you some.

I hope you are able to become more assertive and talk to people directly. That's not being mean to them or being pushy. It part of communicating clearly. I think it would help cut down on the confusion/stress if you could find your own voice, do your own jobs, and set some clear boundaries.

Galagirl
 
Red is going to be sleeping over Blues house tomorrow. This will be a test of my coping skills of overcoming the jealousy and envy I will be experiencing. Ill just relax and play some games and have a few beers for me time, i dont get enough. Anyone an avid gamer that could maybe PM me?
 
endusal said:
Hello there!

It's an unpleasant situation to be in but it's pretty common, really, and very normal to feel like that.

Definitely what Kevin and Galagirl said. Ask for what you need, and protect your boundaries (personal space and time).

Something that helped me immensely in an 'emergency' flare-up of jealously a couple months ago (with lasting effect) was the Jealousy Survival Guide. It presents tools that help you build a sense of independent control that you can fall back to when things get rough, and I found that invaluable.
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Thank you so much for this book! this is just what i need, and thank you to the creator of this thread for posting your struggle. we are in a very similair boat.
 
I'm not an avid gamer but you can PM me if you want. It sounds like you have a good plan for when Red is with Blue.
 
On the kink side of things, I wonder if part of the issue you're having is that you see it as a role you are playing (you mentioned several times that you need to up the amount of time you RP, which I'm guessing, as a geek myself, is short hand for role-play) while for both Red and Blue being a little is an inherent part of who they are. So you are coming at the whole idea like it's a fun role-playing game you do sometimes in order to fulfill their needs and they sense that and it's why the whole thing feels not quite right, but they aren't able to articulate what is wrong, because from the outside, you are doing everything right. So Red tries to give you feedback but even if you take it and improve the things she says, I wonder if the underlying issue will still be there.

I second whomever suggested getting an account on FetLife. It's helped me immensely when one of my relationships turned into a D/s after years of casually dating as FWB when time and energy allowed.

I'm not naturally submissive, but when I'm interacting with my Dom, Sam, I'm not role-playing the part. I'm his submissive, through and through. He can and does ask me to do things that anyone else would get a F*** off for and I willingly do them for him, with no problem. I follow rules he gives me, which in other relationships would cause resentment but with Sam it makes me happy. Being his submissive is a part of who I am, it's not a role I play because I know it makes him happy.

On the texting thing, since you are here Daddy, it really wouldn't be out of line for you to set up a rule or boundary or whatever, that she needs to text you good morning and good night every day so that you know that your baby girl is safe. I'm pretty sure that you don't feel comfortable with that idea, but it is well within what DDlg dynamics function like, from what I've read on FetLife. Maybe stepping up and doing more actions like that will help Red and Blue both feel like you're serious about being their Daddy.
 
Hannahfluke said:
On the kink side of things, I wonder if part of the issue you're having is that you see it as a role you are playing (you mentioned several times that you need to up the amount of time you RP, which I'm guessing, as a geek myself, is short hand for role-play) while for both Red and Blue being a little is an inherent part of who they are. So you are coming at the whole idea like it's a fun role-playing game you do sometimes in order to fulfill their needs and they sense that and it's why the whole thing feels not quite right, but they aren't able to articulate what is wrong, because from the outside, you are doing everything right. So Red tries to give you feedback but even if you take it and improve the things she says, I wonder if the underlying issue will still be there.

I second whomever suggested getting an account on FetLife. It's helped me immensely when one of my relationships turned into a D/s after years of casually dating as FWB when time and energy allowed.

I'm not naturally submissive, but when I'm interacting with my Dom, Sam, I'm not role-playing the part. I'm his submissive, through and through. He can and does ask me to do things that anyone else would get a F*** off for and I willingly do them for him, with no problem. I follow rules he gives me, which in other relationships would cause resentment but with Sam it makes me happy. Being his submissive is a part of who I am, it's not a role I play because I know it makes him happy.

On the texting thing, since you are here Daddy, it really wouldn't be out of line for you to set up a rule or boundary or whatever, that she needs to text you good morning and good night every day so that you know that your baby girl is safe. I'm pretty sure that you don't feel comfortable with that idea, but it is well within what DDlg dynamics function like, from what I've read on FetLife. Maybe stepping up and doing more actions like that will help Red and Blue both feel like you're serious about being their Daddy.
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I completely agree with everything you have said here. I've realized that this is a big part of the issue and I'm really doing a lot more. I'll see her today & this weekend and am going to be much more involved with taking care of her. Red is and does give me tons of suggestions, I'm just shy until I actually get into it and actually feel dominant. I need to open up and stop being so reserved. I really do understand I need to take it further and more seriously, it feels so good so I dont know what the hell I'm waiting for..
 
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