Getting over Two People

Pinksaffy

New member
Hi.
So, my first poly relationship just ended. It was complicated; there was jealously, betrayals, insecurity, broken boundaries. It ended in a mess.
Anyway, while they are now trying to sort their marriage out, I'm left on my own. I've had relationships break up before. But it is so much harder when getting over two people. And I also have a husband and two kids who need me around mentally and functioning. I've never had to get over a relationship while also have those responsibilities.
Can anyone help me? I feel like I'm losing my mind.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Keep in mind this JUST ended, so it is very fresh for you.

And yes. Getting over 1 break up might be easier than getting over 2 breakups at the same time.

And yes. Getting over 2 breaks up at the same time when single? Might be easier than when married with kids.

All you can do is give yourself some grace, and just do your best.

It is ok if your "just broke up" best at this time is not the same as your "regular healthy best" of other times.

A person who broke a leg? They will do their best on crutches and so on. But they don't expect themselves to sign up for a marathon. Maybe some chair yoga and other kinds of PT while healing, but not marathons! They are not at their "regular healthy best."

So my suggestion is to keep expectations of yourself realistic.

Find ways to appropriately express your sadness/grief as you work through the stages of grief -- journaling, talking to trusted people, taking walks, gardening, drawing, painting, reading... whatever it is you do that is a quiet, comforting activity when you have the spoons to do it.

If you don't have the spoons? Run the dishwasher twice.

Or eat off paper plates and skip the dishwasher entirely. Do what you gotta.

Ask spouse, family, and friends for appropriate level support. Like bring over a dinner. Come help mow the lawn. Small tasks so things get done, but you also get some down time to cry, nap, etc. I saw on your other thread you are seeking counseling for extra support. That's good.

Depending on the ages of the kids, you might do some feeling cards. You don't have to deep detail WHY you are sad, but if very small? Sometimes kids connect dots wrong and blame themselves for the different vibe in the home while you heal.

If I was looking for some today I might pick these. They suggest what one can do about the feeling. (My own kids are much older now, these weren't out when they were little. Their set just taught the feeling names and we talked about things we could do. No printed suggestions.)

Or the kids are opposite. Don't even have a clue parent has stuff going on and maybe need reminders for a little extra quiet or "going easy" on the parent. Maybe you can arrange for the kids to go away for the weekend to grandparents or similar so you can spent the weekend resting?

I am sorry you struggle right now. I hope things get better over time for you.

Galagirl
 
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Pinksaffy

New member
Thank you for taking the time to write such a long reply. You've given me some great coping strategies, thank you. I've found a great article on explaining why mummy is crying to kids of a similar age so I'm going to follow that too.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
Ask spouse, family, and friends for appropriate level support. Like bring over a dinner. Come help mow the lawn. Small tasks so things get done, but you also get some down time to cry, nap, etc.

I would add, depending on your financial situation, to hire in help where you can. Check out how expensive it would be to have a house cleaning service come in once a week to take care of dishes and some of that tedium, temporarily get day care, that sort of stuff. I know lots of us don't have the ability to do hire out that kind of help, but if you've got the resources there's no time like the present to utilize it.

I know home makers that are up to their ears in stress and work who can hire occasional help, but refuse to because of some kind of pride limitation. I say, dump the pride and be practical.. but they would rather just keep torturing themselves.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Pinksaffy,

I'm very sorry that this has happened to you. All the advice you've gotten so far in this thread is very good and I recommend it, I just want to say that there are limits to how much easier you can make it to have a broken heart. And there are limits to how well you can function when you are suffering like this. Cut yourself some slack, and resign yourself to the likelihood that you are going to be hurting for quite a while. There are things you can do to help make the hurt a little less acute, but there is no way to make it go away. Even time has its limits. You might be feeling better a year from now, but there will still be an ache in your heart, you will always care about the (two) people you broke up with, and you will always miss what you had with them.

Hang in there,
With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
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