Getting Owned by a Kinky New Metamour

[Arius]

I kind of checked out of this conversation for a while, but I wanted to return and give an update.

The new person who came into my life was an LDR. We've never met. She's gone monog with a friend she fell in love with and we remain friends. To be clear, that was a relationship for ME, not a unicorn for my partner and I. All my relationships are mine, and hers are hers.

And yes, my partner did have 6 fairly involved relationships on the go in addition to working full time and being in school. Most of those have dissolved, distilled down essentially to her two most important partners - myself and her Daddy. She is now seeking new relationships even though I still don't think she has adequate time to invest into ours. She has now agreed to spend one day a week with me, but the problem is that it is basically her only free day (that she's not with her Daddy) and she usually fills half of it with other plans. I am happy to have an afternoon with her once a week though.

I am still wrestling with serious self-esteem issues.

How am I supposed to feel attractive when the people I'm seriously attracted to don't reciprocate? When, objectively speaking, I'm obviously NOT attractive?

My partner and I almost never have sex anymore. Maybe once a month. That started as soon as she started seeing him. I'm a good lover, but their chemistry is off the charts and he's a massage therapist and she basically gets her needs met by him and then isn't interested in being sexy with me.

I think partly it is because I am subconsciously pushing her away. I don't want her unenthusiastic half-assed love; it feels like an insult that the chemistry isn't there between us. I know it's chemistry. That it's not her fault. But I'm still angry with her about it for some reason. Maybe I'm really angry with myself for not being the confident, happy man I want to be. (Maybe I'm angry with her for needing me to be that instead of desiring me for who I am.)

What I tell myself is that I should stop fixating on the negatives and focus more on things that build my confidence. But I don't know what those are or how to do that.

I am stuck. And my partner's patience is starting to wear thin. I feel like I have to start loving myself or she's going to leave me... and I don't know how. We've started fighting over petty things, and the fights get really shitty FAST.

I am an open book. Every once in a while I just very obviously get into a funk about him, and she can tell immediately. I can't hide it. If I feel something, my whole body changes. She is starting to get bitter about the fact that I keep having these reactions even 8 months into their relationship.

I ask myself almost daily if I should leave her; but I continue to choose to stay. She is my best friend and I love her. Plus we've moved to a new place that makes me happy and I'd hate to have to move out. (I suppose only poor people on here will understand how rare it is to end up living in a place you actually like when you are disabled and wholly dependent upon government assistance in an increasingly gentrified city. If I leave, I am pretty much guaranteed to end up in a miserable shithole - if I can find a place to live at all.)

More clarifying details - I have been poly for over 7 years and came into this relationship as a free human being. I am basically a relationship anarchist.

My partner has been putting some serious effort into our relationship lately. She seems to resent doing so however. I think because I continue to be somewhat aloof and unhappy despite her efforts to reassure me.

I am destroying our relationship over my own insecurities and I think there is nothing I can do to stop it.

 

[Arius]

I should talk to my doctor about therapy. It's pretty hard to leave the house with this chronic health condition though, and the free therapists that are available are usually a terrible match for me.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Arius, thanks for that update. Sorry things are going so poorly. It seems there is nothing you can do to get over your insecurities, but I hope I'm wrong.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

I could be wrong in my impression. But this is how it appears to me:

I am happy to have an afternoon with her once a week though.

You say you are happy but actually... you are not:

• She is now seeking new relationships even though I still don't think she has adequate time to invest into ours.
• My partner and I almost never have sex anymore. Maybe once a month.
• She basically gets her needs met by him and then isn't interested in being sexy with me.

• I don't want her unenthusiastic half-assed love; it feels like an insult

• We've started fighting over petty things, and the fights get really shitty FAST.

• I ask myself almost daily if I should leave her

• I choose to stay. I don't want to leave the home I am in and risk being in a yucky govt assistance home or homeless (ie: I feel trapped/stuck.)

What I tell myself is that I should stop fixating on the negatives and focus more on things that build my confidence. But I don't know what those are or how to do that.

I think you could stop LIVING with the negatives so it stops draining your confidence.

I think you could stop participating in a thing that doesn't really make you happy and feels kinda half assed.

I think you could become willing to find a new home so you stop living with her and this "meh" kind of relationship.

You cannot have good self esteem and feel proud of your behavior if you choose to stay in something that sucks while trying to tell yourself how it doesn't suck. That isn't self honoring or self respecting. It's like you are busy being your own con man. I wonder if somewhere deep down you know this is not the situation for you. You just aren't esp eager to leave it because change is hard or because you worry about what the next home will be.

If so? That is totally understandable. But you could come at it more emotionally honest: "It sucks here for me, but I stay for now because I don't know where to go live next so I can become more willing and able to leave."

Rather than trying to convince yourself that this situation would be ok if you could only "reprogram" yourself "right." After 8 months? You could accept it's just not so hot and probably won't change for you. It's just a meh relationship.

I am destroying our relationship over my own insecurities and I think there is nothing I can do to stop it.

I think you simply are not happy there. Not so much about insecurities, but just plain you don't like what you get here. Because it's not much relationship. If this is all she's willing to invest in it? No, you cannot do much about it. You can accept scraps or bow out.

You already clocked several months accepting scraps and you are not happy. So... maybe time for a change?

I should talk to my doctor about therapy.

I think that could be a good place to start. As well as asking about where you could live if not where you presently are at. Perhaps see if you can live with family/friends while building a new life?

Galagirl

 

[Ravenscroft]

I cannot agree that you have a partner. That went away almost a year ago.

the game "Daddy" is playing involves topping not just their mutual "partner" but Arius as well.

Yourself-image has taken a beating. A best it's going to remain just so for an extended period, & likely to get increasingly burdensome if that is indeed part of the "game."

The choices are to end the abuse or end the relationship. Anything else would be enabling -- at absolute best, codependency.

Given the script thus far, anything Arius does to find peace or strength or independence will be a rich target, to prevent Arius from withdrawing (thus becoming less amusing) AND to ramp up the intensity.

 

[FallenAngelina]

Maybe I'm really angry with myself for not being the confident, happy man I want to be. (Maybe I'm angry with her for needing me to be that instead of desiring me for who I am.).....I am stuck. My partner has been putting some serious effort into our relationship lately. She seems to resent doing so however. I think because I continue to be somewhat aloof and unhappy despite her efforts to reassure me. I am destroying our relationship over my own insecurities and I think there is nothing I can do to stop it.

There is always something you can do. We are never stuck, even though it certainly can feel that way. All of us (which includes you) have the ability to change our circumstances by changing our perspectives and changing how we feel about ourselves. Of course your partner is frustrated because no partner can buck the current you've got going. Reassurance from our partners (what many in the poly community fondly refer to as "communication") always has a short shelf life because if we don't have fertile ground upon which to receive and nurture their gifts of love, our parters' reassurances are going to wither every time. People who have their own renewable inner resource of love don't need to be constantly looking for it from others and consequently are constantly receiving it from others. They are functioning transmitters for the flow of love.

Indeed, you want to be a confident, happy man and your partner is right to want that for you, as well. She does want who you truly are and she's not settling for the thick layer of insecurities and fears that are covering you right now. She can feel who you really are and so can you, so stop fighting her and instead focus on how you're going to change into a person who (as you yourself say you want to be) focuses on the positive, is happy and confident. Those words aren't mere feel-good hippie claptrap, they are who you truly are and you can feel how crappy it is to be constantly turning away from the real you. This is about you and how you see yourself, not about her.

I am still wrestling with serious self-esteem issues. How am I supposed to feel attractive when the people I'm seriously attracted to don't reciprocate? When, objectively speaking, I'm obviously NOT attractive?

It's the other way around: You're not attractive and the people don't reciprocate because of your serious self esteem issues. Our relationships always reflect what we've got going on inside, so the way to change our outer circumstances is to change our inner world. We never change our inner world (for very long) by changing our outer circumstances. Everyone who genuinely feels attractive and is loving is attractive and loving. Problem is, many people mix in massive doses of fear into that. Fear and love are opposites and you've got a lot of fear crowding out your love right now, my friend. Love is attractive. That's just the way the world works.

 

[dragonette]

It does sound like you're not happy with the amount of time and intimacy that you're getting from your partner. A few things to think about before throwing in the towel:

- Have you talked to her about wanting more time? You say that she spends half her free day with you, doing other things -- errands, time with friends? Do you join her in those activities? Does she save all that stuff for her "free" day with you, and devote her entire day with her other partner to him and their play? If so, perhaps that could change?

- You say that she has been making efforts lately, but that she seems resentful about doing so. What behavior makes you think that? Can you gently ask her whether she is feeling resentful? Even if she is, this could be a temporary issue. Sometimes when two people aren't getting along, they have to both commit to just pushing through the not-so-great times, in hopes that things will get better. At least she's trying, right?

I'm concerned that your strong emotional reaction to your partner's relationship with this other guy is distorting how you interpret her behavior toward you -- what you're seeing as "half-assed love," resentment, etc. might not be that at all. It sounds like you are depressed, for reasons that are understandable. That depression could be coloring how you interpret everything in your life.

I highly recommend all the books by David Burns, especially Feeling Good. He specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy and instructs on how to teach yourself to see things in a more positive light. It has been really helpful for me, especially when I was hyper-focused on one negative event. If you haven't read it, maybe check it out -- $8 on Amazon. (He has another book, Feeling Good Together, that is also great and is focused on how to mend troubled relationships...although it is very focused on trying to empathize with your partner and accept him/her, which you may not be able to do until you've worked through your own feelings for a while.)

 

[Arius]

Another update.

So last night my partner tells me that her newer partner made her squirt for the first time in her life yesterday. I tried not to freak out, but I did get very quiet and somewhat sullen about it. Ten months into their relationship, I still feel dejected, depressed, and have strong negative reactions to news like this.

I know, I know, never compare. But it's really obvious that he's WAY better than me at having sex with her. There's no point pretending that's not true.

I did not ask to hear about her squirting with him. She says feels like she can't talk about super important things that are happening for her because of how I react. I don't know what to do about this. I don't want to miss out on important things, but we did establish agreements early on about disclosing sexual details, and she is now violating those agreements because the sex she's having with The New Guy is so earth-shattering that it constitutes a significant Life Experience and she feels like she's hiding significant parts of herself if she doesn't tell me. We obviously need to have a new more detailed conversation about disclosure of sexual details, but I don't even know what to ask for at this juncture. I am concerned it will drive us apart if she can't tell me important, life-altering things... but I am really not ready to handle these details.

She also flat-out refuses to validate my pain, even when I directly ask her to. She's a social worker and validates people all day; she's super burned out and constantly tells me that she has no ability to support me emotionally on top of it all. Which as far as I'm concerned, means we don't have a relationship. Then today she actually tried to argue that her clients have "real" problems and mine are all in my head. She also says she's run out of patience with me; apparently she had some date in mind by which I should be totally fine with her being someone else's "little girl" and squirting with him, etc, and we've now passed it.

She is mad that I'm not happy for her that she had this new amazing experience. I tried to be, but all I could feel was inadequacy. How could I be happy when her new partner is so much better at getting her off than I am, and when she basically stopped having sex with me when she started having sex with him?

I think Gaia is right: I'm not happy with what I'm getting, and that's the main issue.

But also, I've realized that I have this perfectionist NEED to be the BEST at everything I do, and I feel worthless if I don't achieve that. I don't know how to fix this. Being "good enough" isn't good enough for me. I'm trying to work through a David D. Burns book on this, but I'm not making much progress because I really can't accept not being the best at something. Sometimes I think I'd literally rather be dead than be anybody's second-favourite lover.

Through our conversation last night we did realize something helpful. Part of what enables them to have such great sex is that he's able to create an intentional space that's dedicated just for that. And it is true that our sex was more intentional and better when we lived in separate places. We've set aside Sundays for ourselves, but her time gets junked up with facebooking and napping and doing homework, etc. What we realized is that it's harder for her to get into a sexy headspace because she's in a habitual space and surrounded by familiar distractions. When she's with him, she doesn't have her laptop, and because their time together is limited, she's able to focus and be with him fully. She doesn't have that with me because the place we have together is also the place she does schoolwork, relaxes, gets distracted by her sister's baby, etc.

I know we need to stop living together. I just don't see a way to make that happen right now. I put out some feelers and am keeping an ear to the ground, but so far nothing.

 

[vinsanity0]

I don't think it is unreasonable to tell her you don't need to hear any details about her sex life. Is she normally that obtuse?

 

[anamikanon]

So last night my partner tells me that her newer partner made her squirt for the first time in her life yesterday. I tried not to freak out, but I did get very quiet and somewhat sullen about it. Ten months into their relationship, I still feel dejected, depressed, and have strong negative reactions to news like this.

This doesn't sound so much an issue of you freaking out as she knowing how to push your buttons and pushing them.

I know, I know, never compare. But it's really obvious that he's WAY better than me at having sex with her. There's no point pretending that's not true.

That is what she is telling you. Clearly part of her kick is kicking you where it hurts to complete the enjoyment of whatever she is doing with the other partner.

I did not ask to hear about her squirting with him. She says feels like she can't talk about super important things that are happening for her because of how I react. I don't know what to do about this.

You could begin by agreeing with what she is saying. If she thinks the details of how she got an orgasm are super important, she can't talk about them with you because you don't like it and will react badly. You can explain things you think are super important for your relationship with her that you are happy to listen to, along with many other things both super important or trivial that don't involve her sex life with others. You have told her to not tell you and if she does, well she KNOWS you will react badly, so when you react badly, you are assuming that that is what she wants and you find upsetting you for her kicks about showing off her other relationship is not a nice trait in a partner.

You appear to sound like if she calls something super important, it really is and you are somehow obliged to listen to it to be a good partner. Some specific event happening during sex is hardly something super important that needs reporting to people interested in her life. It sounds like a sixteen year old going all wide eyed about sex and unable to stop talking about it to whoever will listen.

I don't want to miss out on important things, but we did establish agreements early on about disclosing sexual details, and she is now violating those agreements because the sex she's having with The New Guy is so earth-shattering that it constitutes a significant Life Experience and she feels like she's hiding significant parts of herself if she doesn't tell me.

It appears that the other guy is not enough for her and she also has a sexual need for verbal exhibitionism or some such thing that keeps you feeling unbalanced. Like rubbing it in your face that she is having good sex (and she may know/imagine that you are not). You appear to believe everything she says. She'd also agreed not to give you TMI. Not reality, yes? If this other guy is having such earth shattering sex with her, why is she still returning home with an itch to talk sex with disinterested people instead of being all limp and sated and happy to be stoned out of her wits on sex rather than chase grudging listener? Surely after the attention of an interested party, this would seem very boring after 10 months?

She tells you that her sexual experience is super important and significant life experience and what not, and it seems to be working as emotional manipulation to make you feel that you are somehow failing to cope, instead of flatly realizing violations of your boundaries for what they are.

I think you're missing the point with diagnosing what is wrong with your relationship. Deliberate unkindness between partners rarely resolves. And that is what she is doing when she forces you to listen to yourself being compared unfavorably about sex. I am getting a picture where her relationship is with her partner and she uses you to basically get thrills out of your sexual humiliation - against your explicit refusal. For shits and giggles. Because she can get away with it.

I wouldn't waste time expecting to earn her respect and interest. She is being entertained by you just fine. She is not looking for entertainment with you - for that she has the other stud.

Try talking straight with her. Saying flat out that details of her sexual experience are not really earth shattering to anyone but her and to leave you out. Disagree that they are "super important" (for that matter, even to her. Seriously, anyone thinks an orgasm accompanied by squirting is super important? IMPORTANT? As in requiring discussion with non-participants?). This is plain bullshit. Draw a line for what you will do if she repeats this violation. Make it something you are willing to do, and if she tells you details of her sex life again, act on it.

A no is a NO.

 

[anamikanon]

I've realized that I have this perfectionist NEED to be the BEST at everything I do, and I feel worthless if I don't achieve that.

It may help to recognize that she is using your perfectionist insecurity to play games with you.You are perfectly yourself. You aren't some performing monkey that she can describe sex acts for you to practice and become perfect in. What is really happening here is that she is using your insecurity to repeatedly force you to listen to alleged inadequacies, knowing that you will obsess over them and possibly justify the violation of your boundaries because a flaw or "less than best" about you was pointed out. In reality, there is nothing to "achieve" here other than an ability to say "no" - maybe you should perfect that.

This is basically emotional abuse.

Here's something to improve your mood. Given how much she returns still obsessing over sex and given that all you have for her "other" sex being so amazing is her word, you may want to consider that she is creating a picture for your consumption This may not be true, but if you are going to be forced to listen to details of sex that seem extraordinarily amazing, you're entitled to some healthy skepticism

 

[Tinwen]

She also flat-out refuses to validate my pain, even when I directly ask her to. She's a social worker and validates people all day; she's super burned out and constantly tells me that she has no ability to support me emotionally on top of it all. Which as far as I'm concerned, means we don't have a relationship.

This sounds like it's a dealbreaker to you.

As for the sex-details issue, if something was important to you but painful for your partner, how would you go about the conversation? Carefully and considerately? Ask them first if you can speak about the topic at this time? Be ready to respect their reaction?
That's kind of the minimum I'd expect.

While I do understand the sentiment of wanting to share my ground-breaking experiences with my partner, what she does here is one-sidedly discarding agreements and downplaying your upset.

 

[sdguitarguy]

So many things wrong...

It's been hard to consider commenting on this thread, I've been aghast at so much.

She's a social worker and validates people all day; she's super burned out and constantly tells me that she has no ability to support me emotionally on top of it all. Which as far as I'm concerned, means we don't have a relationship.

This left me pretty appalled that someone would say something like that. Mostly I think it's lazy and dishonest. But apparently, she expects the opposite, that you'll put up with her showing up tired and exhausted.

On another point, it would be hard for me to handle my partner coming over and raving about the mind blowing sex that they've been getting from someone else. Really, what are you expected to do with this information? Replace "sex" with anything else and it's still problematic. "Honey, I'm dating this guy and the food he makes is absolutely mind blowing. It's incredible, I can't begin describe, the taste, the spices, the texture, it's totally transcending. Ok, what have you got for dinner?"

What's the response that they're expecting? I'm not hearing "Omigod, Joe showed me this great way to cook, let me share it with you" in there.

I'll have to say that I never talk comparatively between partners, even indirectly, on certain core topics. Telling another partner that Sheila is the best lover ever is undoubtedly a comparison.