Getting swept away

M

Moonglow

New member
Ok

Been a very long while since I have posted. I have not really had a true in person poly relationship in almost 2 or so years. My secondary moved and got weird and broke too many heart strings.

I have a dear friend who calls me every day but again this is an intense friendship sometimes my dh is on speaker and we all speak together but again not real live person. Any plans we have made have literally never worked out. I would not give my daily dialog with him. Often just general relationship and day to day activities.

I still feel a void in my life of a real connection. I realize my dh is not emtionally equipped to fill the void. Intimacy is just not.his thing. He loves me and we have a very polite and loving almost platonic relationship. So i find myself often feeling lonely and i read the ad on CL and for years and years sometimes i don't feel so alone knowing others are just within reach but CL? No.

I watch romantic stuff on tv and listen to their swoony soundtracks during the day. All this pro bably does not help my void but often I use music to medicate myself. I spend my non working hrs daydreaming of times past. Also I seem to end up.in thr most ironic near misses.

Ok ok so if you read this far... I know dont read CL. How many of you like me only wish for what you want? And do you get swept away in the ideas of.it rather than the reality? I know poly works. I just don't know how it works for me. Is poly a good idea for a hopeless romantic?
 
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Is CL a place to find intimacy? To me, that'd just be a hookup. I would suggest OKcupid if you want a relationship.

As far as your question - is poly for hopeless romantics? I think that's a yes and a no. I would consider myself one, and it's been a tough road. I am so very much in love with my guys though - you have no idea! My friends always remarked on how into each other DarkKnight and I were, how deep our connection was. This was before everyone knew we were poly. :) So, I can safely say that the romance never died. I would say being poly enhanced things in that regard - he feels true compersion for me.

Oh, but when things aren't so smooth - the romantic in me lets the anxiety I have blast out in full effect. I believe I have more of an anxiety issue because I am a romantic. If our relationship has issues and things are rocky, I can make it worse by worrying over minutiae.

So, in my case, being a romantic has had a positive and a negative effect on how I do poly. I can also be a pragmatist though - I KNOW when I am letting my romantic emotions interfere with what is really going on, and when it's time to call a spade a spade.
 
Hi Moonglow,

Sure I think poly is good for hopeless romantics, I have been a hopeless romantic in the past, I guess I have settled down and become a pragmatist.

There are certainly things I want that I can only wish for, and sometimes I do linger on those things and try to forget reality.

So I sympathize with your position.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I consider myself a pragmatist and as utterly NON-romantic as a person can be. And yet...perhaps I am a hopeless romantic at heart? Maybe, I just try to hide it and bury it under a rock?:rolleyes:

Both of my loves have stolen my heart despite my best efforts to to contrary. I have had people (strangers, friends, others) comment as to how "in love" we seem as a couple (with regards to each guy separately). Maybe my boys are the "romantics" in the equation?

OTOH, I have never really felt a "void" in my life - they closest I can think of was when I was daydreaming, during a time of turmoil and confusion, about how it would look if I could live "happily ever after" with both of them. So then THAT happened, and here we are five years later:eek:!

I do think, as one of the other posters here alludes to, that we create our own realities by the narratives we tell ourselves. This is not, in my mind, some sort of "magical thinking" but rather the idea that, if we have a vision and a story in our hearts and minds, then we will tend to make decisions that further those goals and attract people who share that vision with us.
 
It depends.

Is polyamory the right fit for someone who is all about the fantasy of perfect love and romance?

Can poly BE like that fairy tale?

I don't think so. But then, I don't think that the fairydust is sustainable in mono, poly, or real life in general. If you taste fairydust, odds are you're in an illusion and it's gonna implode pretty soon and leave you with nothing.

There have been times I've had flings that were like (I call them "bonfire") an explosion of NRE or lust or passion, whatever you want to call that...but they just don't seem to last. I've never experienced a transition from that into stable, longterm love. Could be the kinds of people I fall arse over teakettle for, who knows? But they tend to be a flash and then fade kind of deal for me.

In my world, that is the fantasy. That addictive and intense energy, somehow NOT just going away or ending in loss and hurt. I have no idea if that is really possible.

But in my reality, the partners who stick around and are part of my life...we are talking real people, real lives. Health concerns, money concerns, family concerns. Supporting one another through stress. Trying to find the time and energy to give to the ones you love. Processing complicated feelings. Doesn't feel much like a romantic daydream, but you know, I think in many ways it's better.

Just like monogamous relationships, polyamory is real. Real relating involving real humans. If fantasy is what you want, then continue to read internet ads (but hey, be careful if you consider hooking up, huh?) and daydream about what could be. Odds are the reality won't be much like your fantasy. But if you are willing to accept the practical challenges, the reality CAN be more rewarding.
 
Thank you guys for the objective perspectives. I am feeling foolish for getting swept away for a couple of days and now back to reality. Still in my mono world but I am grateful for having a good friend who has a open mind and had lived many years in a poly relationship. We have talked about it all.

I am trying hard not to be sad that that little tiny moment in time of NRE and high romance wore off so quickly. Gosh it was nice just to feel a little flutter again. I am not numb anymore. A little defrosted perhaps!:)

m
 
I hope you can defrost even more in the future. ;)
 
IME, there's nothing wrong with Romance so long as it's not substituted for common sense.

I have enjoyed many moments of sheer LOVE. But I've always felt this was a reward rather than the goal many seem to consider it -- far as I can tell, grasping for those payoffs dilutes the actual experience.

It's difficult to be surprised on Christmas morning when you bought your own presents. ;)
 
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