Gf wants exclusive rights to my bed.

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hellokitty

New member
Aimee and I have been going through some transitions lately.

A little back story... I've been with Jules for 7 yrs and Aimee for 3. I've posted about it here before but... About 2 yrs into my relationship with Aimee, I went through some changes with Jules, and we had a non-sexual relationship for a few months. When I wanted to ease back into being physical with him, Aimee freaked out and gave me an ultimatum of having sex with him or staying w her. I agreed to help her work on her jealousy.

Things didn't progress in the way I would've liked them to, and we went months without much getting resolved. Finally last December, I decided I wanted control over my sex life back and told her I couldn't agree to that restraint any more. We got through it and she decided she could live with it. I decided I never want to agree to rules that don't align with making me feel respected and true to myself. That only led to resentment.

During all this, and over the past year I've been realizing there were a lot of personal boundaries I let slide once I got together with her, and my spirit has been pushing me to be free. I need to be honest with myself and my lovers. I've been sharing these things as I learn them about myself. I realized I need space and freedom as part of my personality and to further my spiritual and personal growth, as well as to be able to grow closer to my lovers.

Aimee and I have been living together for the past 2 years. It's been great, but has also put on hold the ability for us to have as much autonomy and independence. Also didn't allow for me to spend as much time with Jules, allowed no time for spontaneity with him and definitely no overnights for us at my place. Aimee even said no sexual contact with anyone but her in our house, at all. I wanted her to feel comfortable in her own home so I agreed to it, but I knew it wouldn't work out like that in the long run.

About a month ago, we decided together it would be for the best for her to move out for these reasons. (I pay 3/4 of the rent/bills so that's why I wouldn't move out instead.) She agreed it's important for us to each gain our independence, and that this would hopefully allow us to spend more quality time together, among other positive reasons.

She is moving in with her best friend who conveniently just had a room open at her house. The reason I'm posting here is because she came to me with her "conditions for making this sacrifice for me" that I just don't know how to feel about. She wants my room to essentially still be *our* room and not let anyone else sleep in or be intimate with me in "our" bed (which was mine for years before we moved in together)! Meaning whenever Jules sleeps over, we'd have to pull out the futon in the basement or something. This would kinda defeat the purpose of me being able to spend more intimate time with him in my own house. It's not like I'm some sex fiend anyway. We're not just waiting for her to get out so we can fuck everywhere all the time. Nothing like that, at all. I just want to have a normal relationship with him and make my own decisions. I need that.

But it's this or nothing at all for her. She's absolutely not willing to budge. This is one of those things that just makes me feel controlled and I can't wrap my head around it.

I told her I'm more than willing to sleep at her house if it's such a big deal that I might have sex with my boyfriend once in a while in my own bedroom. Her new place is 5 minutes from mine. It's not that outrageous for us to go there. But she says she won't feel welcome here at all if I don't agree to this and doesn't see a future for us if she feels that way.

Am I really that insensitive or is this a little over the top? I'm trying to understand, but I don't see what our options are for us to both feel respected. I feel through out our relationship she has constantly put up these very strict particular conditions to keep some form of control over me and our relationship. I understand her being scared or insecure, but I work hard at giving her everything she tells me she needs, and showing her how much I love her. I really try to make her feel secure and safe with me. It just feels like it always comes down to one more thing I'm doing to "be selfish." I just keep coming up short.
 
You've been here several times. You've tried really hard and it still isn't working. Really, just give it up. You both can't be happy together.
 
I'm sure you're sick of hearing from me, ;) but I really do have a connection with Aimee. We love each other. Things always settle after we come to a conclusion together. I thought having some space would help her see it's okay to not have as much control over me and my time, and show her I love her, and she can feel secure, even if our lives aren't intertwined 24/7.

And you know, if it doesn't work out how we'd both imagined it, I'd rather our relationship just take on a new form where we can still share our love, but she doesn't have to feel resentment or control or fear over these things. Wishful thinking, I suppose. But I'm just trying to be honest. All I want to do is love her and experience life together. I'm not the kind of person who wants to just end it when we have so much love and goodness between us.

There are just these things that boggle me. I don't want to give up on her. I just need clarity and another perspective. I do think with space and time the clarity will come naturally, regardless of the outcome.
 
I could be wrong, but you seem anxious to me. I am sorry you are struggling. :(

You state maintaining an off-limits bed and bedroom at you place is not practical for you. You have offered to go to Aimee's place. So you are trying here.

You could offer to go buy special "just ours" bedding/quilt for your place. That is manageable and realistic. See if that works as a good enough compromise for her.

Otherwise say, "Nope, I cannot agree to that," and be okay letting her deal with her feelings about it.

I told her I'm more than willing to sleep at her house, if it's such a big deal that I might have sex with Jules once in a while, in my own bedroom. Her new place is 5 minutes from mine. It's not that outrageous for us to go there. But she says she won't feel welcome here at all if I don't agree to this, and doesn't see a future for us if she feels that way.
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Fair enough. At this time, she reports she feels that way. At a later time, she could feel something else. Don't sweat this so much. Let her own her feelings. Let time pass. Her feelings could change. There is no need to get all anxious about it being what it is for her, at this time.

If this is where she chooses to take a stand at this time, this is where SHE chooses to take it. This is not where YOU are taking it. You are trying to work something out, be welcoming, etc., within reason. Remember that. It might help tame your own anxiousness.

You can't argue her feelings because you do not control her feelings. You CAN talk about your welcoming behavior done/not done because you do your behaviors. You are making reasonable effort. Could call it a success on your end! That helps you tame your own anxiousness.

I think if you got special bedding that was yours and hers, Jules wouldn't mind. It is bedding you can enjoy too, and it is another reasonable, affordable, welcoming effort on your part that you can do right now. It might help tame your own anxiousness.

If Aimee chooses to overlook your efforts to move it forward (being willing to come to her place, get new bedding, etc.), if she chooses to focus on her desire to dwell in yucky feelings that keep her stuck ("I'm not getting what I want the way I want it," ignoring your efforts, etc.), you could recognize that this is HER keeping herself stuck, not you. Hopefully this will help tame your own anxiousness.

I mean this kindly, but firmly: tame your anxiousness. :eek:

Keep it simple. Don't get sucked into circular conversations about her emotions/anxieties. I noticed you guys ended up doing this in past threads. It seems to lead to a feedback loop, where you both end up anxious and triggering each other to higher levels of anxiety.

Try something new this time. Just skip it! Let Aimee own her feelings, while you step aside and tame your anxiousness. At least YOU don't have to be as anxious as in the past.

If she wants to cover jealousy, you guys could do that conversation with links like these:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf (esp. page 5 and 6)
http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/poly/Labriola/jealousy.html

Things always settle after we come to a conclusion together.
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If past experience tells you so, then remember to focus on that to help tame your own anxiousness in a transitional time. Just keep moving it forward. Focus on aligning your behaviors to match this desired outcome:

I thought having some space would help her see it's okay to not have as much control over me and my time, and show her I love her, and she can feel secure even if our lives aren't intertwined 24/7.
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Give her space, become less intertwined, let time pass, let things settle, continue to love her. Let her experience her feelings through the change. Let both of you discover... lack of doom! It will be okay however it turns out, whether you keep dating, but agree not living together is way healthier, or if you stop dating and agree to be friends.

Good luck,
Galagirl
 
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Stop questioning whether you're being unreasonable. That's pointless. She has every right to ask you to do something, and you have every right to say no. No one is being unreasonable.

You know the consequences of saying no: she says it's over. You can respect that, right? Some people can be polyamorous all day long for themselves, but can't cope with their SO being poly.

Whether this is blackmail, an ultimatum, or just a brutally honest request and consequence, it's now up to you to decide whether now is the time to bow out, or if you think it's a request you can meet. (It sounds like it's not.)

No point in blaming, pointing fingers, or being resentful. Decide whether you are willing to let someone else tell you who can sleep in your bed or not, then just be honest and let her make her own decision whether to stay or go.

For my part, I'd tell her that I'm sorry we can't meet in the middle on this, and I will miss her, but I think she needs to find a partner that can and will give her the relationship style she needs. (Just don't be ugly about it.)

It's okay to mourn the relationship, but be firm and honest with yourself AND her. Good luck.
 
It's up to you of course, but my first thought is that I'd tell gf, "I can't promise to give you exclusive rights to my bed. I hope that doesn't mean that we're through, but I have to be fair towards all three of us." I mean, you said that you feel like your gf is always trying to control you. Either she needs to stop doing that, or she needs to learn which requests are reasonable and which demands are unreasonable.

I know breaking up is a horrible thing to have to do, so I don't think it's my place to tell you to take that chance. I only mean the above paragraph to describe the first reaction that came into my mind. If you feel that your gf is worth the kinds of demands she makes, then I guess you should continue to meet her demands however possible. Visualize pulling out that futon and ask yourself if that's something you can live with.
 
I would tell her to hug a root. It is MY bed, paid for by me. I will sleep with whomever I want to in it. Hell, you have been with Jules 7 years. What about his wants and needs?
 
It feels controlling because it is.

I would try Gala Girl's suggestion.
 
This is what I am hearing: blah blah blah my girlfriend is controlling controlling controlling controlling controlling. I finally got her out of my house to remove some of the controlling from my life and now she is controlling me from afar blah blah blah.
You already got her out of your house. Why not just take that one step further and get her out of your life? I'm sorry if I sound so callous, but she is being unrealistic. How about just offering to change the sheets whenever you know she is coming over?
 
Dump her. She is a dictator and will never be happy unless she feels she has you under her control. You've put up with her demands long enough! If anyone told me what she told you, it would be incredibly difficult for me not to laugh in their face. I mean, it's absolutely preposterous!

I think I have told you this before, but loving someone is not enough to make a relationship work. We can all love people who are not good for us at all, but loving them doesn't mean we should lay down and be their doormats.

Oftentimes, the most loving thing we can do is let someone go. I think it's time for that, in your case.
 
I'm really big on communicating and looking for middle ground and such, but holy crap... I've looked through your past posts about this girl and I agree with NYCindie. She quite obviously does not want you to be with Jules, so she's going to attempt to exert as much control as she can over that relationship.

I'd issue a counter-ultimatum: stop trying to control my other relationships. If that's an issue, you know where the door is.
 
The bed is only a symbol of what is either in your heart and mind (devotion and love) or isn't. Monopolizing the bed is a symptom of a deeper problem. Continuing to give in won't solve it.

Either she believes in your relationship or she doesn't.
 
Thank you for your replies. I know a lot of you probably think I am silly to stay with her for so long with these kind of demands, but what can I say? I tend to let my heart guide me. It's something that can't really be expressed through words or through the internet, only through experiencing the moment. I've followed my feelings of the energy of situations. Sometimes I just need to talk to you all to make sure I'm not crazy. I need perspective on the logic of things at times. So thank you for reassuring me.

The point I am at in my life right now is very live and let live. I believe life can be simple. I am trying to put myself out there like that, accepting people the way they are and just needing to be accepted as I am in return. I want to love in the way of just being two souls sharing energy and enjoying life experiences together. No attachment or possession.

I can't allow myself to be controlled anymore and I don't want to control anyone else. I feel like a butterfly coming out of my chrysalis, and it hurts me to feel like someone is trying to shut me in and sew me back up! It doesn't feel loving to me. :( And it hurts even more that she can't see how much stirring up this negativity is hurting our relationship.

I want to move forward. I want to be happy, together and separately.

But to her, I am the one hurting it by not "just giving in" to "this one thing." But will it ever just be this "one thing"?? It's the principal of it. I am not a possession that can be molded to fit her every insecurity. I am a reasonable person and willing to compromise. I told her I don't want to argue or fight, and I don't want to tell her what to feel. I accept and understand how she feels, and that's okay. I can't give her what she's asking, but here's what I can do instead. If it's not enough, she is free to decide what her next step is.

It pains me that she throws in my face she is making a huge sacrifice by moving out "for me." I understand she would be happy to stay in the state we've been in and keep living together for the rest of eternity. That would keep me all to herself. Of course, that would be comfortable for her. I get that. I do appreciate she is trying something she would rather not.

But it hurts that she claims she cannot see any of the positive outcomes this could potentially have for us. We've discussed the pros of it for her personally too, and she's agreed, but I don't know if she believes it when she throws it in my face in situations like this.

But honestly, this is where I'm at. I don't think our relationship can continue happily or grow with the idea that we can control each other. I would rather stay together than break up (as would she, as she tells me.) My compromise to keep that want for us is to try living separately and see how it goes. My hope is we will feel a stronger bond as a result of letting go and allowing each other to be independent. That is my decision at this point.

Giving her power to dictate my space, my bed, my body, is not part of that compromise. She has her own free will to decide if this arrangement will work for her, or she can walk away. I do not want to fight anymore. I don't want to experience pain anymore. I have more love to give, and I want to focus on that, rather than focusing on pain. She can stand by me in this, or, if she feels it is detrimental to her self-respect, she can make the decision for herself to move on.
 
Dagferi said:
I would tell her hug a root.
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nycindie said:
Dump her.
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I fucking love you guys.

hellokitty said:
Giving her power to dictate my space, my bed, my body, is not part of that compromise.
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I suspect this will be a good decision for your happiness in the long term. It is entirely likely that a person who desires fluid love with an explicit absence of control, and a person who expresses love through capitulation of demands are not going to work out.
 
But to her I am the one hurting it by not "just giving in" to "this one thing."
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You could leave it to her to feel disappointed she isn't going to get "this one thing." Expect her to handle her emotions.

I told her I don't want to argue or fight, and I don't want to tell her what to feel. I accept and understand how she feels and that's okay. I can't give her what she's asking, but here's what I can do instead. If it's not enough, she is free to decide what her next step is.
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Pretty much.

It pains me that she throws in my face she is making a huge sacrifice by moving out "for me."
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You could respond with something like

​
"Thank you. I appreciate your effort to try something new."​

And then, say nothing more, because if she is not choosing to be doing this as a gift, that is her choosing, not yours. You don't automatically "owe her" if she chooses to do things based on her unspoken expectations of "tit-for-tat" of some kind.

What does she say verbatim that you find "throwing it in your face?":confused:

I do appreciate she is trying something she would rather not. But it hurts (me) that she claims she cannot see any of the positive outcomes this could potentially have for us.
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Blue is mine. So, do you need help handling YOUR hurt feelings?

What does Aimee being able to see positive outcomes right this minute have to do with you to choosing to feel hurt/not hurt? :confused:

We've discussed the pros of it for her personally. I don't know if she believes it, when she throws it in my face in situations like this.
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Again, what does she say verbatim that is "throwing it in your face?" You do not say.

What does she do to cause you to think she doesn't believe what she agrees to? Express that she sees it could turn out a positive but at this time she cannot see it IS a positive for sure yet? :confused:

Galagirl
 
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You know, if you and she now have separate domiciles, then she now has her own bed that she gets to do with however she pleases. Yet that's not enough, she has to have authority over your bed as well?

When she moved out, did she see that concession as a blank check on which she could make arbitrary demands from now on? Is it possible she just really wants monogamy (read: you all to herself), and is going about winning that objective from you by a war of attrition?

Is she willing to settle for the compromise of just using two different sets of bedding?
 
I told her I am willing to compromise on this situation, but the controlling behavior will not be tolerated anymore.

* 1 month transition period to get used to not having ownership of my bed
* I'll buy new bedding
* We can set up a sleep area elsewhere for her if she needs it.
* I can sleep at her house.

I think that's reasonable. We'll see how our talk goes tonight.
 
I did not read the thread, just the original post.

Boundaries.

Here's the thing that I think is missing in all of your conversations: Aimee has a right to decide what SHE will do with herself. But she doesn't have a right to tell you what to do with yourself. In the case of your bed, she has every right to say SHE is not comfortable sleeping in your bed, but she doesn't have a right to dictate who else does (including you).

Aimee has a right to decide who sleeps in HER bed. But she can't make anyone else but herself sleep in her bed. Likewise, you have a right to decide who is allowed to sleep in your bed. But not who WILL. You have a right to decide if you are willing to sleep in her bed, but you don't have a right to decide if you are allowed to.

She seems to really fail to grasp where her rights end and yours begin. THAT needs addressed.

It's not about the bed, the sex, the boyfriend, etc. It's about boundaries. She has a right to make boundaries regarding HERSELF and HER PERSONAL belongings. Nothing more. End of story.

Until she accepts that, she won't be able to have a healthy relationship with you, or anyone else. No amount of love is going to change that, because, even with love, you still need to understand the parameters of what is yours and what is not yours.
 
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