Going back to manogomy

[Gemma]

Basically, what your husband is saying is... almost any kind of intimacy short of PIV is "acceptable", but he wants to "save" intercourse for just between you two. Unfortunately, PIV sex is the ONE thing you do with him sexually that ISN'T overly satisfying for you. And therein lies the dilemma.

It'd really be much more sensible, considering his physical disability (and if limits HAVE to be imposed in order for husband to deal with his insecurities) if he'd agree to you being able to have PIV sex with your bf or others... while keeping a couple of "specially designated" intimate activities just between the two of you. i.e. Acts you agree to participate in ONLY with husband. That way he could still feel he was able to give you something you weren't getting elsewhere... and you would be able to get your need for deep penetration met outside the marriage.

I like this idea! This I think might help DH because he thinks there’s nothing between just us anymore. Actually my husband loves going down on me but my bf would rather not. Bf isn’t into oral sex much. This is something me and my husband both enjoy together.

I do believe counselling might be in yours and hubby's best interests IF you really want to save the marriage. But you're going to have to decide, and reasonably soon. Boyfriend is a person too, and it must be doing a number on him having his status in your life be so "up in the air".

Yes, I believe so! Husband wants to work with me on this but he doesn’t understand his feelings. I think we are getting somewhere slowly, hopefully counseling will help.

Bf is getting a little frustrated with the we’re on and off again deal. He says he doesn’t blame me on that but that’s why he suggested taking a break sexually until we figure out the issues.

 

[dingedheart]

I commend you for apologising after thinking more deeply about Gemma's dilemma, Magdlyn.

You mean being forced to think about more deeply. It’s almost laughable her one sentence apology and then spend 3-500 words making it about her and her disabled partner and reiterating her position of tuff shit you agreed to open ...no change backs / no trade backs. YES. IMPRESSIVE


Gemma : Does all this hair splitting on what sexual activity is ok and what’s not ok make sense in the context of the emails or text you saw. I Think having a therapist listen and watch this discussion might really be help because I’m not sure your husband is always being 100% honest with you or even himself.

I think he’s caught trying to please you and KEEP you and it really really does bother him and in terms of time and attention, money and clearly the sex. Are you and or he familiar with the term poly hell? It’s the feeling of demotion, displacement, and intrusion that generally occur when a mono marriage open up.

I think if any “ breaks “occur that everyone use the time to read up on all the relevant topics and issues. This would include your bf.

Also when I read the idea of being ok with everything short of PIV sex it sort of sounds like he might really prefer a DADT. Because how does naked cuddling and mutual masturbation or oral not like lead to getting lost in the moment. Unless it’s meant to be some sort of cruel punishment. Yup the speed limit is 70 mph ....I’d never do 80 or 90 or 100 in the middle of the night on freeway in Iowa...or would I.

 

[Magdlyn]

You mean being forced to think about more deeply. It’s almost laughable her one sentence apology and then spend 3-500 words making it about her and her disabled partner and reiterating her position of tuff shit you agreed to open ...no change backs / no trade backs. YES. IMPRESSIVE

If you have a problem with my advice style (even tho Gemma doesn't) perhaps you should PM me, dinged. No need to derail the thread.

 

[sexyserb]

Gemma,

Unfortunately you are still so caught up in maintaining your “poly” experience that you are still being extremely “selfish”, and those are your own words. Of course you are being encouraged to keep putting the knife in your husband here because your “boyfriend “ is the victims here not your husband.

Your post back to October, 2017 already indicated your husband in no way agreed to what has developed here and he agreed to it all all out of love for you AND fear of losing you, which is what is driving his every word and action now. You and his friend ( and I am using that term loosely) have been ignoring his pain for months and months and YOUR posts indicate that.

Now history cannot be undone but you sure can save your marriage if you want to, and it starts with rejecting this crap that once you enter nonmonogamy it is a one way door. But yes, you are now because of what you and your boyfriend let transpire, which you husband has begged you to stop numerous times, in a very difficult position. Some of your comments own up to some not so great decision here but the you revert back to how can I manipulate him into continuing to suck it up. And I use the term manipulating because if you believe your husband is not going to continue to be torn up inside by you playing naked games in the bathtub with your boyfriend you are mistaken. He is so hurt he will tell you anything you want to hear.

I believe you said, and I apologize if I am wrong, that you see no PERMANANT future with your boyfriend. In other words, you do not see asking for a divorce to be with boyfrtiend. And you also are 100% confident no matter how much you hurt your husband that he will never divorce you. Kick your dog enough times and it will bite you eventually.

Now if you go to a qualified therapist, and not one redesigned to help you manipulate your husband into swallowing more bile, I doubt seriously you will be told that naked games with the boyfriend are the way to save your marriage, and if you do not think it is in crisis, why the hell did you post here.

Now so far, until Dinged chimed in, you have been given a solid chorus that your 10 month sexfest boyfriend is more important than the father of your children, who I am guessing contributes to support them despite his disability, and who made a bad decision out of love and agreed to live with this. I hope if you continue on with this you will at least take the time to get the facts on what your life and financial situation will look like when you push your husband over the cliff.

And lastly, I hope your husband, when and if he gets out of his paralysis and fear, realizes this guy is no friend. Friends do not fuck their friends wives and refuse to back off and continue to twist the knife in for month after month and IGNORE his pain in order to get off.

As far as your sexual needs are concerned, a lot of wives of disable, really diasabled servicemen, figure out how to have sex without screwing their husbands and their personal friends. So yup, I guess you will have to decide if orgasms are more important than your marriage or you will have to get some serious help from a qualified therapist, a sex therapist.

Now my guess is you will ignore what Dinged and I say with the cheerleaders looking out for your boyfriend and calling your husband names. So I wish you good luck. You will need it in the long terms unless you go ahead, divorce your husband, and be happy with your boyfriend.

 

[lunabunny]

I like this idea! This I think might help DH because he thinks there’s nothing between just us anymore. Actually my husband loves going down on me but my bf would rather not. Bf isn’t into oral sex much. This is something me and my husband both enjoy together.

This could work reasonably well... IF your husband is willing to do the work to overcome his insecurities around the issue. I certainly understand his need to feel "special" in your eyes, and in your bedroom, and not always feel he is competing for your affections or to please you. In any case, it's worth having the discussion, between the two of you and/or during counselling.

My two partners are different genders, so I don't have this exact same dilemma. I get something completely different from both relationships, emotionally and physically. Still... there are things I keep between Jester and I... and between Boho and I. The two relationships utilise different "languages" for one thing, figuratively AND literally; I don't use the same terms of endearment with each, for one thing, and there are words and phrases we use and acts that "belong" to one relationship or the other, not both.

You mean being forced to think about more deeply. It’s almost laughable her one sentence apology and then spend 3-500 words making it about her and her disabled partner and reiterating her position of tuff shit you agreed to open ...no change backs / no trade backs. YES. IMPRESSIVE

I believe Mags has a right to express her opinion on the matter (ditto you, DingedHeart, or SexySerb) regardless of whether the view is the prevailing one or more contentious.

But I agree there is no place for personal insults or language that's harshly condemnatory of someone not "here" to defend himself.

I just wanted to encourage a more moderate tone without adding fuel to the fire.

 

[Gemma]

Gemma,

Unfortunately you are still so caught up in maintaining your “poly” experience that you are still being extremely “selfish”, and those are your own words. Of course you are being encouraged to keep putting the knife in your husband here because your “boyfriend “ is the victims here not your husband.

Your post back to October, 2017 already indicated your husband in no way agreed to what has developed here and he agreed to it all all out of love for you AND fear of losing you, which is what is driving his every word and action now. You and his friend ( and I am using that term loosely) have been ignoring his pain for months and months and YOUR posts indicate that.

Now history cannot be undone but you sure can save your marriage if you want to, and it starts with rejecting this crap that once you enter nonmonogamy it is a one way door. But yes, you are now because of what you and your boyfriend let transpire, which you husband has begged you to stop numerous times, in a very difficult position. Some of your comments own up to some not so great decision here but the you revert back to how can I manipulate him into continuing to suck it up. And I use the term manipulating because if you believe your husband is not going to continue to be torn up inside by you playing naked games in the bathtub with your boyfriend you are mistaken. He is so hurt he will tell you anything you want to hear.

I believe you said, and I apologize if I am wrong, that you see no PERMANANT future with your boyfriend. In other words, you do not see asking for a divorce to be with boyfrtiend. And you also are 100% confident no matter how much you hurt your husband that he will never divorce you. Kick your dog enough times and it will bite you eventually.

Now if you go to a qualified therapist, and not one redesigned to help you manipulate your husband into swallowing more bile, I doubt seriously you will be told that naked games with the boyfriend are the way to save your marriage, and if you do not think it is in crisis, why the hell did you post here.

Now so far, until Dinged chimed in, you have been given a solid chorus that your 10 month sexfest boyfriend is more important than the father of your children, who I am guessing contributes to support them despite his disability, and who made a bad decision out of love and agreed to live with this. I hope if you continue on with this you will at least take the time to get the facts on what your life and financial situation will look like when you push your husband over the cliff.

And lastly, I hope your husband, when and if he gets out of his paralysis and fear, realizes this guy is no friend. Friends do not fuck their friends wives and refuse to back off and continue to twist the knife in for month after month and IGNORE his pain in order to get off.

As far as your sexual needs are concerned, a lot of wives of disable, really diasabled servicemen, figure out how to have sex without screwing their husbands and their personal friends. So yup, I guess you will have to decide if orgasms are more important than your marriage or you will have to get some serious help from a qualified therapist, a sex therapist.

Now my guess is you will ignore what Dinged and I say with the cheerleaders looking out for your boyfriend and calling your husband names. So I wish you good luck. You will need it in the long terms unless you go ahead, divorce your husband, and be happy with your boyfriend.

Thanks for the slap in the face! My intention is not to manipulate him by any means I love him dearly. I’ve ended it with my boyfriend three times, each time my husband has come back and said, he’s ok with it. I’m clearly misinterupting what he’s saying. He bounces around like a tennis ball, one minute he’s completely against it the next he finds it “hot” that i’m screwing another man. If you read my older posts you will see that he’s sometimes aroused by it. My husband, bf and myself have been friends for years. Well before we were married we all nearly had a threesome together. My husband wasn’t against my now boyfriend sucking on my nipple while he sucked on my other nipple years ago. This has been in the works for a while. So i’m just as confused I don’t know what the hell he wants. He said to me this morning after we had sex, “if you want him to f**k you let me know and i’ll be ok with it” the day after we agreed i’d take a sexual break with my bf for the foreseeable future. I’m starting to interrupt what he says now as no you don’t your just saying that. As I didn’t go running back to my boyfriend and say yay let’s go have sex.

 

[lunabunny]

I’ve ended it with my boyfriend three times, each time my husband has come back and said, he’s ok with it. He bounces around like a tennis ball, one minute he’s completely against it the next he finds it “hot” that i’m screwing another man. If you read my older posts you will see that he’s sometimes aroused by it.
So i’m just as confused I don’t know what the hell he wants. He said to me this morning after we had sex, “if you want him to f**k you let me know and i’ll be ok with it” the day after we agreed i’d take a sexual break with my bf for the foreseeable future. I’m starting to interrupt what he says now as no you don’t your just saying that.

Gemma, what you're telling us here requires a deeper level of discussion between yourself and your husband.

His vacillating between asking you to stop with boyfriend, being "okay with it" and flat-out encouraging you to fuck your bf/mutual friend is sending mixed messages, and smacks of sexual fantasy/cuckold fantasy.

As I've learned over the past couple of years, fantasising about a SO getting intimate with another person is ONE thing (many people use fantasies such as this and dirty talk to ramp up the excitement)... actually doing it is another. It seems your husband is caught up in a cycle of wanting to make this a reality, and melting down when fantasy spills over into reality.

You BOTH need to sort this out, before making any big decisions, imo. While your marriage, your needs and your husband's feelings are important... your bf is not a plaything either, and his place in your (and your husband's) life shouldn't depend on someone else's mood.

 

[Gemma]

You BOTH need to sort this out, before making any big decisions, imo. While your marriage, your needs and your husband's feelings are important... your bf is not a plaything either, and his place in your (and your husband's) life shouldn't depend on someone else's mood.

I agree! Sooner rather than later. Hopefully the marriage counselor will help.

 

[vinsanity0]

Aren’t I being selfish too? Part of me thinks I am. I’m clearly not listening to my husband’s views and feelings on this. He said he’s asked me to end it a number of times and I’ve ignored his feelings. I need to think about my answers to those questions.

It seems to me that when he says you are ignoring his feelings he means you are not doing what he tells you. That shouldn't be how it works.

 

[powerpuffgrl1969]

Gemma,

Now so far, until Dinged chimed in, you have been given a solid chorus that your 10 month sexfest boyfriend is more important than the father of your children, who I am guessing contributes to support them despite his disability, and who made a bad decision out of love and agreed to live with this. I hope if you continue on with this you will at least take the time to get the facts on what your life and financial situation will look like when you push your husband over the cliff.

*Waves hand* I actually disagreed with the comments against the husband being made in this thread. It was just a small post, though.

It seems that the husband is sometimes saying he *wants* Gemma to have sex with her boyfriend, which is a mixed signal indeed. However, actions are much louder than words, and this could even be a test on the husband's part. An unfair test, but a test all the same. Unfortunately, Gemma has taken her husband at face value a few too many times.


I'm in a mono relationship, and I don't see that changing, so I will try to moderate my comments. However, I do the see validity in poly relationships, as long as EVERYONE is consenting. That doesn't really seem to be the case here.

I'm glad they are going to get counseling.

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm in a mono relationship, and I don't see that changing, so I will try to moderate my comments. However, I do the see validity in poly relationships, as long as EVERYONE is consenting. That doesn't really seem to be the case here.

I'm glad they are going to get counseling.

Just quoting this bit to make the point we are ALL posting from our own experiences. Unless we step completely into counselor mode, we all can only share our experiences, or experiences we've read about.

GalaGirl is our most objective poster, and even she talks about her own experiences sometimes.

Sexyserb is not polyamorous. She had an open relationship for a while. Her husband stayed mono, she was allowed to fuck other men, no emotions allowed. Her h agreed to it, but became distant. They Closed. And now she's trying to "save her marriage." She's no polyAMOROUS, just poly sexual.

Dingedheart's wife went "poly" in a very casual hurtful way, and it's been many years since they broke up, and he is still very bitter.

And so on.

I posted about my partner's DISABILITY affecting our sex life, because I thought the topic of disablity was quite relevant to this thread. One of the main issues, in fact.

Of course, my partner and I are happily polyamorous and polysexual. It works for us, so that colors my advice.

Gemma is getting a lot of mixed messages. Without calling her h names, a mistake of mine which I own, I will say his BEHAVIOR is confusing and causing her much hurt and anguish.

I don't think the point of this thread is to "save this marriage" at all costs. In polyamory, we talk about individual needs, and not bending yourself like a pretzel into something inauthentic, just to save one relationship shape.

I don't think we need to toss around the "selfish" word so much. As Galagirl often says, there is a range, from selfish, to "self-full," to always putting other's needs before your own. We all get to decide where on the range WE are the healthiest.

 

[Gemma]

Thank you all for sharing your experiences.

I’m not sure if I am poly. However, from my research I have read that poly is the state of being in love or romantically involved with more than one person at the same time. Which clearly I do. I am in love with my husband and in love with my boyfriend. I haven’t really indicated much in my posts but I have an emotional attachment to my bf not just sexual. What I get from him is more than just sexual. My bf and I mesh on levels emotionally that my husband and I often don’t. However, my boyfriend has a clear way of how he wants to live his life and it’s not the “traditional” family life that I have with my husband. My husband knows the dynamic between me and my boyfriend is so strong he doesn’t want him out of our lives.

In the previous latest posts it’s portrayed that I am ignoring my husband’s feelings. Unintentionally I know I have been. I had read that poly relationships are forever changing and growing just like any other relationship. Communication is key and there are good days and bad days. It seems like we would talk through the problems and then my husband would be ok and consent to this again. Wether it’s out of love or not, it’s still consent, on more than one occasion his consent has been enthusiastic.

My husband still has a friendship with my boyfriend and has never acted like he wants to punch him in the face. In fact my boyfriend helps him with his train layout and they seem fine with each other. He’s come over for dinner and hung out with us many times. We’ve all talked about the situation, my boyfriend has told my husband that it’s not his intention to break us up. Like I have said, me, my husband and boyfriend have had this triad friendship thing for years. My husband seems to care about him to. I think if we didn’t have kids we’d be doing a lot more things together as a triad. We’ve already talked about doing a trip together to find an old railroad trail. Both my husband and boyfriend are into trains which is what brought them together before I came along.

I’m not sure what the best solution will be moving forward. We are all emotionally drained and just trying to figure this all out.

 

[powerpuffgrl1969]

I don't think the point of this thread is to "save this marriage" at all costs. In polyamory, we talk about individual needs, and not bending yourself like a pretzel into something inauthentic, just to save one relationship shape.

I don't think we need to toss around the "selfish" word so much. As Galagirl often says, there is a range, from selfish, to "self-full," to always putting other's needs before your own. We all get to decide where on the range WE are the healthiest.

I agree with this completely. I had earlier stated that it seems the OP will need to make a choice, but that things cannot go on the way they are. She should feel perfectly within her rights to end her marriage, even though that may be hard for her. Neither the OP, her husband, or the boyfriend DESERVES to be unhappy, but that is unavoidable, for a time at least. The trick is to find the best solution for a sad situation.

 

[PurpleSun]

Aren’t I being selfish too? Part of me thinks I am. I’m clearly not listening to my husband’s views and feelings on this. He said he’s asked me to end it a number of times and I’ve ignored his feelings. I need to think about my answers to those questions.

No, you are not being selfish. It would be selfish if he had been adamantly opposed to polyamory. Clearly, he was not from the start, just now. You get to have a life. The problem I see in such situations is that partners in your position often give up EVERYTHING to care for the more needy partner. THAT is what is unfair. Live your life, seriously.

 

[Gemma]

No, you are not being selfish. It would be selfish if he had been adamantly opposed to polyamory. Clearly, he was not from the start, just now. You get to have a life. The problem I see in such situations is that partners in your position often give up EVERYTHING to care for the more needy partner. THAT is what is unfair. Live your life, seriously.

I agree. One of us will be giving up something, I don’t want him to feel forced into this poly lifestyle. I have a lot more to lose my family means everything. So as much as it pains me to lose my bf I will choose my husband. I feel like I need to see a sex therapist though and try and understand why the sex is such a big deal for me right now and what I can do to overcome the strong desires I have. I’ve been with my husband 14 years. I’ve had bouts of sexual frustration but it’s only been the last few years that I’ve really felt I’ve needed something more. Of course now I know what i’ve been missing it’s harder to give it up. I’ve had no other sexual experiences before, so I didn’t know what “normal sex” with an able bodied person was like. If I can overcome my feelings then I can go back to monogamy with my husband without feeling so unsatified.

Our counseling session is Saturday so hopefully we’ll get somewhere. Thank you all for your advice and experiences! I’m sure your all getting tired of hearing from me.

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

Something to consider... Every single person I know who has ended a relationship with someone they loved because another person they loved demanded it has ended up leaving the one who demanded the original break up. So, if you leave your bf because of your husband then nothing changes, what's going to keep your resentment from building up to the point that your marriage explodes anyway?

 

[sexyserb]

I agree. One of us will be giving up something, I don’t want him to feel forced into this poly lifestyle. I have a lot more to lose my family means everything. So as much as it pains me to lose my bf I will choose my husband. I feel like I need to see a sex therapist though and try and understand why the sex is such a big deal for me right now and what I can do to overcome the strong desires I have. I’ve been with my husband 14 years. I’ve had bouts of sexual frustration but it’s only been the last few years that I’ve really felt I’ve needed something more. Of course now I know what i’ve been missing it’s harder to give it up. I’ve had no other sexual experiences before, so I didn’t know what “normal sex” with an able bodied person was like. If I can overcome my feelings then I can go back to monogamy with my husband without feeling so unsatified.

Well there8s a positive statement Gemma. The big question is how do you get your husband to the point of knowing what the hell he is saying is how he really feels. As far as the therapy is conerned, your idea of sex therapy for you is good but your husband also could use some IC before MC, Why??

because right now i do not know ho anyone can read this and not believe he is operating and responding out of fear of losing you and hurt ( your words) . Nothing your husband is doing right now makes any sense.
That"s because once he makes the statement that he is not divorcing you no matter what, the equality in the relationship goes right out the window. Lets look at it from his point
(1) he cannot not or has not been able to satisfy his wife sexually
(2) he has attempted, and yes he has, to accept this and one way he has attempted without success to find a partner to make it more Ok to him
(3) if he chooses divorce, he gets 50% of his time with his kids ( so do you by the way), and in most states you could be having sex with a whole platoon and it will not help him in a divorce settlement. And he is alone as a handicapped man with no partner. And you can't see how that may effect his waffling??? I think you are smarter than that.

I think you are starting to realize that despite being told repeatedly here that your husband is a cad and fool for not totally embracing what is going on, the impact of what could happen is starting to sink in. And you accepting that yes you are going to be hurt is also a good sign. Your husband has been expressing his hurt at least since last October enough times you keep mentioning here that there is no way this situation is going to resolve itself with everyone happy or so it appears. Why does your boyfriend, who gladly provides his penis to his friends wife DESPITE totally knowing it is hurting his friend, deserves no pain.

Gemma, despite how you got to where you are, you are not unique in that most women who have intimate relations with one man for ten months are going to become highly emotionally involved with that man and add in your sexual frustrations and you are where any woman would most likely be. While you did NOT have any type of adulteress affair, your emotions are no different towards your boyfriend than any of us who had a ten month affair.

Nothing therapists do is beyond belief, but I cannot imagine how some therapist is going to recommend that the way for you and your husband to heal and reconcile is to negotiate naked bathtub and sex act boundaries and to have your boyfriend involved in the everyday life of your husband. I wonder what your husband would say ALONE to a therapist if he was asked if he could cut this friend out of his life???? I hope he explains to the therapist how he expects YOU to interact with this person , hang out with this person continuously, and not restart the sexual relations. People lose lifelong neighbors, friends, and even relatives over things like this and I would be real interested to learn how a therapist expects you to focus only on your husband if that is your choice by having constant contact with the boyfriend.
How does your husband ever feel safe ??? I know RIGHT NOW they are buddies. What you have to really find out is are they buddies because your husband wants to be buddies or are they buddies still because your husband is AFRAID to express what he really wants because of how difficult it just to ask you to stop having sex.

omething to consider... Every single person I know who has ended a relationship with someone they loved because another person they loved demanded it has ended up leaving the one who demanded the original break up. So, if you leave your bf because of your husband then nothing changes, what's going to keep your resentment from building up to the point that your marriage explodes anyway?
Now just read that ridiculous statement. no mention of what happens if your husbands resentment builds up to the point that your marriage end. That never happens right. ???He has no resentment after nine or ten months of this right?? Oh, I guess its tough shit for hubbys resentment. It matters not. only yours. Just ignore his feelings. Yours and boyfriends are all that counts.
You might ask your therapist what happens when one partners refuses to stop having sex with someone else because they might resent it even though it is causing immense pain ( your words) to the spouse.

It would be selfish if he had been adamantly opposed to polyamory. Clearly, he was not from the start, just now. You get to have a life. The problem I see in such situations is that partners in your position often give up EVERYTHING to care for the more needy partner. THAT is what is unfair. Live your life, seriously.
Gemma, were you adamantly opposed to monogamy when you took your vows. So your allowed to change your mind but husband has no rights to that.

You follow that and I'll place my money were you will eventually wind up. And if you want to choose to leave you're husband you absolutely have that right. The interesting thing is that the same people saying saving your marriage is not a thing that has to happen, but preserving your sexual relationship with your boyfriend IS something that has to be preserved. That is called trying to influence the outcome and that is what I meant by manipulation. I hope you BOTH let it all out there, not just you because hes afraid to. If you choose your husband and he refuses to participate in this triad anymore, and if you are able to do that and totally maintain your pre poly relationship with this boyfriend you will prove to be a super strong individual.
__________________
__________________

 

[Tinwen]

Now just read that ridiculous statement. no mention of what happens if your husbands resentment builds up to the point that your marriage end. That never happens right. ???He has no resentment after nine or ten months of this right?? Oh, I guess its tough shit for hubbys resentment. It matters not. only yours. Just ignore his feelings. Yours and boyfriends are all that counts.
You might ask your therapist what happens when one partners refuses to stop having sex with someone else because they might resent it even though it is causing immense pain ( your words) to the spouse.

I'll just say you're committing a serious misinterpretation. Noone's asking her not to consider her husband's feelings. She's being asked to consider if she can handle her own long-term before she chooses. Please do make your points, but stop laying your assumptions into other people's mouths and calling them ridiculous.

 

[Gemma]

She's being asked to consider if she can handle her own long-term before she chooses.

This is what i’m trying to ask myself. I won’t be completely happy with my boyfriend in fact I’d probably be less satisfied with him as a whole. Yet I will always be missing something with the husband. Unless I leave both and start fresh and look for someone that meets my needs more sexually and in the family dynamic way- which of course would be messed up if the husband and I separate anyways.

 

[lunabunny]

because right now i do not know ho anyone can read this and not believe he is operating and responding out of fear of losing you and hurt ( your words)

I think most of us understand that is exactly where Gemma's husband's fear is coming from. That, and feeling like he's "less of a man" for not being able to satisfy her completely, sexually. In other words, his feelings on the issue spring from fear of loss, insecurity and jealousy/envy.

However, as Gemma states... his request to END the sex with boyfriend is complicated by the mixed messages her husband has given; specifically his becoming aroused at talk of sexual intimacy shared with boyfriend.

I think you are starting to realize that despite being told repeatedly here that your husband is a cad and fool for not totally embracing what is going on, the impact of what could happen is starting to sink in.

That's a wild generalisation. I think the advice on this thread has been pretty balanced and realistic overall, with most posters weighing the feelings and rights of all parties concerned. There has actually been very few who've adamantly condemned the husband in this scenario.