Going Crazy Dealing With All This Alone

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PumpkinKing93

New member
Hello,

This post is just to explain more from my introduction and just to get my thoughts down on something.

Like i explained in my introduction post. My partner and I have been together for six years as long distance. We visit each other every three months or so usually. Once I graduated from college, I decided to move to where he lives in another state and try and live with him for a year before I decided to go back to school for my graduate degree. It was a year of firsts, such as having our own place, getting a cat, paying bills together, the whole first thing for couples who move in together. It was a great year and I was sad when I left to move back home for graduate school. For the past year we have been back to long distance. The plan is for me to move back to his state when I finish graduate school.

Im not really sure what my label is (whether thats poly-curious/poly/open minded) and I dont want to label myself at this point.

I opened up to my brother the other day that I have been thinking about all this for a while. I had begun to not feel the need to marry (though my partner really does) but I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I'm a pretty sexual person which has been really hard being at long distance for many years. Lately I have been thinking more and more about our relationship and how it would be to open it up. My brother was very open and accepting of my curiosity and exploration of this subject (stating "its 2017, times are changing") but he asked me a very important question that I did not know the answer to. He asked me if maybe I was just bored with the relationship.

Questions such as that scare the hell out of me. Im by nature a really anxious persona and having been diagnosed with OCD, my mind can latch on to something fast, and hard. I began to have a panic attack. Am I bored with the relationship? How can i be when i want to spend the rest of my life with him? Am I bored just because its long distance? Will it change when we move back in together? And so many more questions just charge my mind. It was a good question to ask me, but even now a couple days later im still at the place where I dont know if I am. I dont feel like I am, but im not sure. (Of course the moment I need my therapist more, she is on maternity leave).

In all this I'm not even sure if being poly, or open, or any other term, is really the right fit for me. At this moment I'm just entertaining the idea. And to be honest I dont know if my partner would be open to at least trying it. He seems to get jealous pretty easily. Often being upset even when I talk about actors that I find attractive (although he does the same and I make a point to show that im okay with it and all that).

I guess im not too sure where to go from here. I just bought the book "The Ethical Slut" (I was told by my teacher that its a really good book surrounding this topic). I want to just educate myself on all this but it really sucks that I cant talk to my partner about this. He is very sensitive and takes things personally. I know that if I did speak with him about it, he would feel like it is all because he isnt good enough for me, even though he is. He has helped me grow and become who I am today.

At this point I'm just rambling but I needed to just write all this down and share it with someone because I'm going crazy with it in my head. My brother has been supportive but he lives in another state and has his own life happening so its not something I can talk to him about whenever I feel like it. Any advice, suggestions, anything would totally help me as I feel stuck.

If you read this whole post thank you for taking the time to do it, I really appreciate it.
 
I'm not sure if you're male or female (though your username, PumpkinKing93, indicates you're probably male) nor how old you are, but judging by the details of your post I'm going to guess early-mid 20s. That about right?

Though age isn't always relevant, it may be in this case, depending on whether or not this is your first serious, long-term relationship. People mature at different rates, but in general, a lot of emotional growth occurs between our teens and age 25-27 approximately. After this, most people enter another phase of life and often we find we have outgrown interests/friends/relationships that might have been a good "fit" before this period.

I do think it's worthwhile trying to pinpoint if multiple partners is something you truly seek because you are oriented that way, or if it's simply a case of this particular relationship having grown stale (boredom having set in or grown apart due to distance), or if YOU have outgrown your partner and no longer feel capable or interested in being the sole provider of all his needs, while he has remained more static and unchanged.

You will probably not know until you've read more widely on the subject, talked to your therapist about your own feelings and life goals, and - most crucially - brought up the subject with your partner, as difficult as that conversation is likely to be.

If he has set his heart on a monogamous marriage and is really quite jealous about you expressing attraction towards "non threatening" figures such as celebrities, yet you know on some deep level that you will never be fully satisfied until you explore these feelings you are having, you may decide to part ways with your current partner so that you are free to participate in poly or non monogamous relationships with others.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

FWIW? I think your brother asked you a good question. I think you could reflect on that as well as do some soul searching about your LDR relationship to decide if that is still something you want to do. Whether you change the LDR thing or change being in this relationship entirely.

I also think you could continue to educate yourself on poly (in case that is what you want to do later on.)

In all this I'm not even sure if being poly, or open, or any other term, is really the right fit for me. At this moment I'm just entertaining the idea. And to be honest I dont know if my partner would be open to at least trying it. He seems to get jealous pretty easily. Often being upset even when I talk about actors that I find attractive (although he does the same and I make a point to show that im okay with it and all that).
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Do you want to spend a lifetime dealing with this? Being with a partner who gets jealous over non-threatening fantasy people like celebrities?

I want to just educate myself on all this but it really sucks that I cant talk to my partner about this. He is very sensitive and takes things personally. I know that if I did speak with him about it, he would feel like it is all because he isnt good enough for me, even though he is. He has helped me grow and become who I am today.
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Or dealing with a partner you cannot share emotional/mental intimacy with... without them freaking out? Having to shrink yourself or not talk about your inner thoughts and feelings so he can feel ok enough? What do YOU need to feel ok enough?

I agree with lunabunny that maybe you have outgrown him/the relationship. That's not a fun realization to come to, and it's ok to mourn that. (If that is indeed what this is.)

But you are not a bad person if that is what is happening. You are also not a bad person if you find that you want something other than marriage or monogamy. If you find you don't really want those things? You could be honest and update your partner on where you stand on that. If those are things he really wants, then you guys are no longer compatible. I think it is best to face that sort of thing head on rather than drag it out.

Because what kind of relationship is it if you cannot be open, honest and up front with your partner? Is that the type of relationship you want to practice together?

Galagirl
 
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I'm glad your brother is supportive and he did ask a good question to think about.

The thing that I thought about when I read his question was that you may not be bored with the relationship, or your partner. But it is entirely possible, maybe inevitable, to get at least a little bored with the sex one haves with a long term partner. Just about everyone who is sexual enjoys variety in sex - new positions, new toys, new acts, and especially new-to-us partners. Now there is much that is awesome about having sexual history with someone. However, in terms of igniting desire in men, women, and non-binary folks, variety really revs up most of us.

Polyamory or open relationships is one way for partners to address a desire for sexual variety. Both can be very successful for that. However, people who choose to remain monogamous can also successfully create (or re-create) sexual variety within a relationship. (One technique is to notice other people checking out your partner - you see your partner through another's eyes by doing this and they become new to you too. I do realize this is not helpful for a LDR.)

Consider if you are sexually bored - and that can be true even if you are mostly happy with your sexual connection with your partner. And consider the impact of being long term long distance. Absence can make the heart grow fonder but it can also make you horny with no outlet besides masturbation.

As for your partner's reaction, yes this can be very hard for partners to hear. The almost universal reaction of people who realize their partner wants to have sex (and maybe relationships) with other people is they think they are lacking, that they are not enough. It is extremely common for people who have been monogamous (or who want to remain monogamous) to experience this reaction when dealing with a partner who wants to open up.

However, I urge you to begin the process of talking with your partner about hard things, even if poly/open does not turn out to be the path you want. It is so critical to be able to hear hard things from a partner. This skill in telling and hearing difficult things will save your relationship. I can say from experience that avoiding hard topics out of fear of hurting a partner, or having a strong reaction from that partner, will eventually damage or outright destroy an otherwise strong relationship. Please note that feeling one's reaction is always ok, and is in fact healthy. Jealousy happens to just about everyone. Not being jealous is not required to do poly or open relationships. However, in my opinion, managing jealousy, not punishing one's partner when feeling jealous, and not making one's jealousy someone else's emotional responsibility is truly required to do poly/open well.

So that your partner feels jealousy is not a problem. It can be an uncomfortable reality. However, he may not be willing to do the work of learning to manage it, of recognizing it and coping while feeling what he feels. This is difficult work and not everyone wants to do it.

So what you need to find out sooner rather than later is how open your boyfriend is. Not to poly or open relationships but rather how willing he is to tackling difficult emotional problems, to learn new coping skills, to manage his own emotions (without dumping them on you). And you have to think how willing you are to do the same. The willingness to be emotionally open and learn about emotional management is critical to if a relationship will grow and evolve over time.
 
Hi PumpkinKing93,

I am just wondering, how soon will you be able to meet with your therapist again? If it will be a long time, maybe you might consider seeing a different therapist in the interim. You seem to be asking yourself some difficult questions and frankly, it is freaking you out a little. What will you do if it turns out you are bored of your relationship or some part of it? Long distance can do that to people.

At some point in time, I think you will need to talk to your partner about open/poly. If your partner has a bad reaction to it, you need to take that into consideration when deciding whether to continue in that relationship. Remember, you can still love someone even if you are not in a relationship with them. Perhaps another partner would be a better fit for you. I don't mean to scare you by saying that, I am just trying to be logical.

Maybe it's not boredom, maybe it's just wondering if it's time to move on to another relationship. You do not have to be in a hurry to decide if that is the case. You can spend some time and give it some thought. It's always possible your partner could surprise you. He could react well when you bring up the subject of open/poly. The only way to find out is to ask him.

I hope things turn out well.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I very, very recently came out to my girlfriend of 7-ish years as polyamorous. I was so afraid that I was going to lose her as this wasn't the first time we had talked about the idea of me being poly and before the reaction was negative.

And it was negative again this time. Luckily I told her before I left for work which gave her a good amount of time to go off on me over text before I was able to leave work early and come home. When I got home she had cooled off and for almost the first time ever in our relationship we were able to sit in the same room and have a civil conversation about what was happening between us. It was then she realized that she had known this about me the whole time and was just having a hard time accepting it, but now that I stated my side of things and was sure about it it was easier for her to accept.

And since then things have been amazing. I feel closer to her than I ever have before. We have been amazingly open and she has been pushing me to explore my feelings for other people and has also been vocal about her desires for other sexual acts that she cannot receive from me. So it's all very good.

But I was in the same space as you. I was terrified. I thought my having feelings and desires for other people meant I was over her, bored of the relationship, but in reality for me it was just natural for me to have these feelings. This doesn't mean I love her any less, in fact since coming out to her my love has only grown substantially for her.

It's definitely important to talk about with your partner. If you can speak to your therapist first then do that (I went and tried but was unable to bring up the topic, but I see him again on wednesday and he's going to have a heartattack at how drastically things have changed). Just don't let it weigh you down too much. I unfortunately let mine drag me into a pretty bad depression, but now that I've gotten it off my chest I feel 10x better and more amazing than I ever have. Even my girlfriend says my energy is totally different and that I'm more confident and comfortable and by being so she is more comfortable with me.
 
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