going on a trip with boyfriend, husband is hurt

[dingedheart]

Pixi's bf Malachi has never had to do "triple the work or greater" (whatever that means). In fact, he'd dated so little before he met and loved Pixi, the work he had to do was to be able to date anyone at all. He started very gradually with one overnight a week. After a year of that, he broke up/asked for an indefinite break with her, not because he didn't care about her, but because he had trouble with feeling tied down with that one overnight a week. After a year, he got back with her and their time together increased from one night a week to, eventually, two nights, to three being fine, and now she is finally welcome to come over any time, unannounced, and stay as long as she wants. But he sure doesn't want to juggle adding another partner for himself into the mix.

Good story. However, IMO, someone who dated, then was legally married under a mono structure and lived that way for some years, then has been unsuspectingly poly-bombed and asked to transition has triple the work to adjust to being mono while their spouse learns to juggle love interests and not let their NRE run wild. Comparing Joe‘s struggle and Malachi's transition seems to ignore lots of very important factors.

How many poly women with mono husbands seek therapy for how to handle their joy or NRE?

 

[Magdlyn]

Good story. However, IMO, someone who dated, then was legally married under a mono structure and lived that way for some years, then has been unsuspectingly poly-bombed and asked to transition has triple the work to adjust to being mono while their spouse learns to juggle love interests and not let their NRE run wild. Comparing Joe‘s struggle and Malachi's transition seems to ignore lots of very important factors.

How many poly women with mono husbands seek therapy for how to handle their joy or NRE?

That's not what you said. You said there are NO benefits to being a mono with a poly person, and that a mono person will always have to do triple the work. I pointed out some possible benefits to being a mono person with a poly person, and that there is not always "triple the work."

If Joe has experienced "no benefits," and he's not a "cuck," why do you think he stays? He's just a masochist? He thinks he deserves no better? He hopes his wife and Pea will break up somehow and he's willing to wait? What ARE his special circumstances? I don't know, do you?

 

[dingedheart]

That's not what you said. You said there are NO benefits to being a mono with a poly person, and that a mono person will always have to do triple the work. I pointed out some possible benefits to being a mono person with a poly person, and that there is not always "triple the work."

Yes, you’re right. I didn’t specifically say there were no benefits to a transitioning mono poly-bombed guy, because I thought the context was established. My bad.

I don’t know how many struggling married poly-bombed monos you’ve talked with over the yrs, but the workload issue/imbalance always comes up and is often described as double or triple. These issues are deeply personal, and as a result, hard to quantify, and vary widely, depending on the person, bond or commitment, how long they’ve been married and mono, and a thousand other factors.

If Joe has experienced "no benefits," and he's not a "cuck," why do you think he stays? He's just a masochist? He thinks he deserves no better? He hopes his wife and Pea will break up somehow and he's willing to wait? What ARE his special circumstances? I don't know, do you?

I have no personal knowledge, so I can only speculate. I doubt he’s a masochist, because she’s bent over backwards to minimize his pain. Sure, he could think she is out of his league and that settling for a % is better than nothing.

More than a few guys I’ve talked with in that situation thought the juggle and wear and tear would naturally bring their spouse back around. However, I can’t think of a single time that happened.

I think the special circumstance is the situation with Pea. I don’t think the absence of benefit is the primary killer in these mono/poly dynamics. If daily life floats along without significant change, people adjust. I’m sure it’s a big factor if NRE runs wild, but in general, it’s that, coupled with settling for or getting less of the finite resource pie that helps tip the scales against poly.

 

[mountaingirl]

How many poly women with mono husbands seek therapy for how to handle their joy or NRE?

This one

 

[mountaingirl]

If Joe has experienced "no benefits," and he's not a "cuck," why do you think he stays? He's just a masochist? He thinks he deserves no better? He hopes his wife and Pea will break up somehow and he's willing to wait? What ARE his special circumstances? I don't know, do you?

Just tuning back into this! His answer: he loves me, sees me as his wife, and doesn't think me being poly changes that. He enjoys hanging out with Pea and me. A note on openness that @Tinwen mentioned: Joe says something similar, so maybe that's a trending sentiment among mono ppl with polys.

I think there are certain benefits to being mono with a poly person. Perhaps a little less work, at times. I was pretty gung ho about Joe traveling for a week without me (originally it was a two week solo trip that I was also cool with) and I think he ended up really enjoying the time alone. Pea definitely likes a lot of alone time, so he benefits from me being with Joe.

Joe and I are also really good at communicating verbally, while Pea is more of a cuddles-when-ur-sad type. (Joe's maximum cuddle time is like 2 minutes.) I used to complain to Joe about his lack of snuggling, but now I get what I need elsewhere, I guess.

This isn't to say it fully 'makes up' for some of the negatives, but it seems with love we've been able to make it work. I also think Joe is under the impression that later in life, when I'm fully in my career and potentially traveling a lot, he could take up a more casual poly thing while I'm gone/busy. In most monogamous relationships that's not even a possibility.

 

[mountaingirl]

Enough with you carrying the other two all the time. Enough with the pussyfooting. Rip the Band-Aid off. Be decisive.

I did lol. I read up to this post before I left and it was helpful. The last few days before taking off with Pea were a little difficult between Joe and me, but ultimately Joe really appreciated traveling on his own for a week.

Pea was over the moon that we got to travel alone together. I'm not sure I've ever seen him so happy. I think it went really well, overall, and I'm proud of myself for making something happen that is really important to me.

As usual, I'm super thankful that so many people provided advice. Sometimes I need a little shove. This was the biggest thing Pea and I have done together and it was definitely a relationship milestone. Aaaand we probably hit it later than most.

Ideally, I'd like to try in the future to post more positive stuff on the blog, so maybe next time I won't have to explain the relationships so much. I also think it would be healthy for me to document the positives, for days when I'm feeling negative.

Anyway, thanks all.