Greetings from Berlin

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MotorM

New member
Hi peeps,
I just want to introduce myself and my situation. I do have a couple of things bothering me, but I'll explain those in another thread.
So, I'm 54 and I've been with Ann (she is 34) nearly 2 years.
We have been living together (as flatmates, ie, we each have our own rooms) for 6 months now, together with 2 other people (neither of which there is a sexual involvement).
We also work together on weekends at a club, so we have quite a lot of "our space"
I've only been involved with Clara since we've been "together", but that was more "friends with benefits", and she has had maybe 5-6 partners, none of them serious, but also not a fling.
She has recently become very quickly, very seriously involved with another guy, in fact, they are going on holidays together at the end of Feb for 2 weeks.

This is my second poly relationship, the first me being the secondary partner.
I was really in love with Mary, which hurt me even more when i found out she wasn't being honest with me.
For years after, i just couldn't trust anyone with my feelings, and i was angry with just about all females i had contact with.
That's me in a nutshell, as i said, I do have some issues at the moment which i might bring to the forum, but we are going away next week for a few days to try and sort the main issues out.
 
Last edited:
MotorM said:
Hi peeps,
I just want to introduce myself and my situation. I do have a couple of things bothering me, but I'll explain those in another thread.
So, I'm 54 and I've been with my GF (she is 34) nearly 2 years.
We have been living together (as flatmates, ie, we each have our own rooms) for 6 months now, together with 2 other people (neither of which there is a sexual involvement).
We also work together on weekends at a club, so we have quite a lot of "our space"
I've only been involved with one other since we've been "together", but that was more "friends with benefits", and she has had maybe 5-6 partners, none of them serious, but also not a fling.
She has recently become very quickly, very seriously involved with another guy, in fact, they are going on holidays together at the end of Feb for 2 weeks.

This is my second poly relationship, the first me being the secondary partner.
I was really in love with her, which hurt me even more when i found out she wasn't being honest with me.
For years after, i just couldn't trust anyone with my feelings, and i was angry with just about all females i had contact with.
That's me in a nutshell, as i said, I do have some issues at the moment which i might bring to the forum, but we are going away next week for a few days to try and sort the main issues out.
Click to expand...

Hi, and welcome.

You have an hour left to edit. Could you please please use nicknames for these women? I absolutely positively can not tell who is who.

If you can't edit, please cut and paste and plug in some names. Not initials!

It's in our Guidelines, this request. Posts can be very confusing when everyone is "my gf" "my wife" "my bf's gf and their kid" and "someone I used to date 7 years ago."
 
Greetings MotorM,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like Ann is your primary partner, Clara is your secondary partner, and you used to be Mary's secondary partner. Let me know if I've got any of that wrong. It sounds like Mary hurt you a lot, and maybe you are still dealing with the internal fallout from that pain. If there's anything we can do to help let us know, Poly Relationships Corner is a good place to post to get lots of thoughts and advice from quite a few people.

Hope you enjoy your stay here.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Thanks for editing! Let me reread and create proper paragraphs. I'm sorry. I'm an editor and I can't read something in a wonky format.

MotorM said:
Hi peeps,

I just want to introduce myself and my situation. (I do have a couple of things bothering me, but I'll explain those in another thread.)

I'm 54 and I've been with Ann (she is 34) nearly 2 years. We have been living together (as flatmates, ie, we each have our own rooms) for 6 months now, together with 2 other people (with neither of whom is there sexual involvement). We also work together on weekends at a club, so we have quite a lot of "our space."

I've only been involved with Clara since we've been "together," but that was more "friends with benefits." She has had maybe 5-6 partners, none of them serious, but also not just flings. She has recently become very quickly, very seriously involved with another guy. In fact, they are going on holidays together at the end of February, for 2 weeks.

This is my second poly relationship. In my first one I was a secondary partner. I was really in love with Mary, which hurt me even more when I found out she wasn't being honest with me.

For years after that, I couldn't trust anyone with my feelings, and I was angry with just about all the females I had contact with.

That's me in a nutshell. As I said, I do have some issues at the moment, which I might bring to the forum, but Ann and I are going away next week for a few days to try and sort the main issues out.
Click to expand...

Thanks for following our Guidelines in introducing yourself and your current and former partners using nicknames. I am sorry you're having issues with Ann. Maybe there is tension with Clara too, since she is so busy with so many partners.

I hope you start a new thread soon. Good luck on your getaway.
 
It was almost right.

Ann is my primary

clara is not in the picture, and hasnt been for along time, however, she plays a significant role, of which i will explain later

Mary, well, the less talked about her, the better

and there is Chris, who is Ann's secondary. Well, i dont actually know who, if any is Ann's primary/secondary. I assumed, because we live together, bought a car together that i was her primary, but her relationship with chris has developed very seriously very quickly, and shes spending more time per week with him than she is with me, I'm inclinded to think that chris is her primary.

Ann and I went away last week for a few days wanting to do alot of talking, but for various reasons we weren't able to talk as much as we wanted, and that was one of the things i wanted to talk about.
 
Does Ann actually *use* a primary / secondary model? I mean, sometimes it's much much easier to let that go and be nonhierarchical than it is to worry about who's primary or secondary. Well, not easier - it can be a lot of mental work, but more beneficial in the long run.
 
Thanks for clarifying further.

MotorM said:
Ann is my primary.

Clara is not in the picture, and hasn't been for a long time. However, she plays a significant role, which I will explain later.

Mary, well, the less talked about her, the better!

And then there is Chris, who is Ann's "secondary." Well, I don't actually know who Ann's primaries or secondaries are. I assumed, because we live together, and bought a car together, that I was her primary. But her relationship with Chris has developed very seriously, very quickly, and she's now spending more time per week with him than she is with me, so I'm inclined to think that Chris is her primary.

Ann and I went away last week for a few days wanting to do a lot of talking, but for various reasons we weren't able to talk as much as we wanted. And that was one of the things I wanted to talk about!
Click to expand...

How long has Ann been seeing Chris? I think, rather than waste time trying to label him as a primary or secondary, you could focus on whether you feel neglected.

It sounds like Ann and Chris have only been dating a very short while. So, they are in NRE, the infatuation phase, which can be very compelling and overwhelming. It is a hormonal state. It does not indicate long term compatablity.

Many poly people actually dislike NRE, while some enjoy it. Either way, it needs to be handled. Good poly practices do not include ignoring current partners to focus only on the newest bright and shiny one. That's not ethical, and it's just plain rude.

It's too bad you two weren't able to discuss your feelings of neglect and make a plan to keep nurturing what you two have. If Ann has fallen out of love with you, as she gets more into Chris, time will tell. But I hope that is not the case. I hope she can be reminded of how important you two are to each other, and slow her roll with Chris a bit to reassure you and make more of an effort to meet your need for more time together. She may just need a reminder. But you have to speak up and be assertive, because she's lost in la la land right now.
 
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