For those who were initially more monogamous leaning and brought up believing the fairy tale of finding prince/princess charming and riding off to live happily ever through the ups and downs of life...did you go through a bit of a grieving process letting go of this dream and 'converting' to poly thinking?
Grieving the fairy tale
- Thread starter Tulip
- Start date
Life isn't a fairytale. That line of thinking is so toxic even in mononormative culture, in my opinion. One person isn't your everything, even there- or they shouldn't be, at any rate. Ultimately, in any relationship style, the one you're riding off into the sunset with is yourself.
But as for a life partner, you and someone sharing life together? You can still have that in polyamory. Having other connections doesn't detract. My husband and I have always been poly and open, and I view him as my life partner. Just because I have another partner, it doesn't make him any less special to me, or our lives any less entwined, or our desire to share our lives any less.
But as for a life partner, you and someone sharing life together? You can still have that in polyamory. Having other connections doesn't detract. My husband and I have always been poly and open, and I view him as my life partner. Just because I have another partner, it doesn't make him any less special to me, or our lives any less entwined, or our desire to share our lives any less.
vinsanity0
Active member
No grieving. Just a great sense of relief
I didnt really mean that I was hoping I would find someone who I could live in a vaccum with cut off from all other sources of support and joy, family, friends etc - I guess I mean the ideal of romantic and sexual exclusivity - that being something special between you that you shared just with each other and wasn't shared with others. Its sad letting go of that way of making your relationship special even if you want to enjoy the benefits and possibilities of poly. I think its kinda like losing some of the magic out of your relationship somehow - even if there will be another kind of magic that poly gives - I hope I am making some sense?
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I understand grieving the end of one type of relationship, even while being excited about the new possibilities. Transition is never easy. There's a time of disequilibrium.
I was just thinking about "happily ever after" being a conclusion to a fairy tale suitable for children with no concept of the ups and downs and changes of life. Of course, we all outgrow that supposed ideal. It's nice as an adult, to revisit sometimes in a romantic comedy or romance novel, but only as escapism. Nothing is ever that simple.
Hi Tulip,
Truly, grieving that fairy tale is more common than you know. So many people start out as monogamous, and find themselves being pushed or pulled into polyamory. Those people definitely go through a grieving process, if they are able to cope at all. If you're grieving your fairy tail, I can promise that you're not alone.
Regards,
Kevin T.
Truly, grieving that fairy tale is more common than you know. So many people start out as monogamous, and find themselves being pushed or pulled into polyamory. Those people definitely go through a grieving process, if they are able to cope at all. If you're grieving your fairy tail, I can promise that you're not alone.
Regards,
Kevin T.
SassyALpolly
New member
Honestly, I have found the prospect of thinking in poly-terms very freeing. Rather than grieve, I have come to embrace the thought of two whole people loving each other and supporting each other in all that makes them happy and being able to celebrate happy things that happened to each other individually. That said... we have had some struggles as of late that have made being “whole” really difficult (non-poly related). If my husband were on here, I do believe he would lean more toward grieving the fairy tale as he has had a harder time in some aspects of figuring things out. Grief is not the end of the world though... at least that’s what I tell myself when I look at my semi-colon tattoo.
WhatHappened
Active member
I felt no grief. I just felt happy and at peace to be with him. The grief was in finding out that he was not capable of doing poly as he promised me he could--that he could not treat me and his wife equally, that no matter what she did, she would be treated as the priority, protected, and defended, and come first. The grief was in finding out that I really would not be treated as the equal he promised me I would be.
SlowPoly
Active member
I didn’t grieve the fairytale of monogamy, and this question reminded me of a friend describing their transition to atheism. They described an abiding grief that left a painful emptiness. They didn’t regret the change overall, but certainly would have preferred not to feel the pain.
Maybe the reason I never grieved a monogamous ideal is the same reason I never grieved my loss of religion. Both transitions started from a place that wasn’t deeply invested in the myth, both happened gradually, and both started pretty young.
Maybe the reason I never grieved a monogamous ideal is the same reason I never grieved my loss of religion. Both transitions started from a place that wasn’t deeply invested in the myth, both happened gradually, and both started pretty young.
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
I think you would be better served by listening to your body, not trying to "correct" it. Listen to your sadness, too. Everything you've written in your various threads makes me wonder why you are trying to contort yourself into being OK with poly in order to keep this relationship. Your body and your grief seem to be clearly communicating with you and you're doing everything you can to "correct" them so that they will stop messaging you.
CaptainUnderpants
New member
I highlighted the word SPECIAL, because in some spiritual contexts special can mean ego love, not divine love. If you take a look at special relationships closely you can see that they appeal to your sense of being special, different or better than others because you are the only one that your partner loves. This can feel great until you realize that the specialness is only appealing to your ego and insecurty. When you realize that "special" is ego based, it kind of becomes icky.
This is only my take on the subject, if it doesn't fit your circumstance, please discard.
I hear what you're saying. However, I find that my gf somehow treats me special. And she treats her bf special.
What is special in this case? I guess I mean, with Pixi, I feel safe, secure, comfortable, deeply loved, and with my needs met as well as, better actually, than any person I've ever been monogamous with. In relationship with her I feel valued. I feel beautiful. I feel sexy. I feel nurtured. I feel respected.
vinsanity0
Active member
Thinking about this more...
I didn't mourn the loss of monogamy, but I didn't lose the "fairy tale" aspect. I still fully expected to grow old with my wife (and whoever else I ended up in a serious relationship with). Specialness doesn't lose it's meaning just because there are more people involved.
I didn't mourn the loss of monogamy, but I didn't lose the "fairy tale" aspect. I still fully expected to grow old with my wife (and whoever else I ended up in a serious relationship with). Specialness doesn't lose it's meaning just because there are more people involved.
i found the paradigm shift difficult and painful despite being the hinge of a V and my partners aren't involved with anyone else. Ours was not a carefully thought out polyamory though, I just fell madly in love while still loving my husband. It's going on 6 years and I still sometimes feel as though Ray must be my imaginary friend. How else could it make sense?
Leetah
Leetah