Guilt in a partner

1

1234567

Member
Without going into details, one partner is very uncharacteristically thoughtless when it comes to other partner stuff. The other partners get shrouded in secrecy; miscommunication abounds; introductions aren't made, etc.

I've thought about it, and the conclusion I've come to is they feel guilty, and then deal with the guilt by an "I can do whatever I want" attitude.

Which they can.... Only it sucks to be at the other end of it and I'm losing patience.

I wondered if it was an NRE thing, but my guess is probably not, in that similar dynamics happen with long term people.

I wondered if I had a poly problem, but no, I can do poly with other partners well. A minimum of reassurance, the assurance of support. and the freedom to ask basic questions, and I'm good.

I also think I've done a sterling job of genuinely supporting relationships with my metamours, except when this stuff starts up, and then I am still outwardly supportive, but compersion gets replaced by bad feelings.

I think this guilt extends the other way, too- this partner can be callous about my needs too if they would take away from another more established partner. They aren't usually callous. So I suspect guilt again.

I'm at resolve-or-get -out stage, and I know if I talk about it, the guilt will kick I and there will be a blow-up.

I'm ready to throw in the towel. Yet ithat seems stupid- this seems resolvable.

Any advice? Do I take it head on and bring up guilt? Bringing up the actions seems futile- it doesn't change.
 
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Let me see if I get it... Correct me if I am wrong, ok?

So this partner is basically thoughtless and callous and it does not change. You are thinking about breaking up with them. You wish you could solve it instead but dread a blow up because the person handles conflict resolution poorly. So you almost lean toward a break up straight off rather than trying to problem solve with them.

Is that it?

Galagirl
 
This person is usually very thoughtful and responsive to needs- it's just around the metamour issues. Which is why I suspect guilt. Or lack of knowing what to do. Or awkwardness.

I'm definately leaning towards a conversation. I'm not so much leaning towards breaking up as talking. But I don't want it to be fruitless.

My current thoughts are to bring it up from an "I'm wondering if this is what is going on, with the guilt" perspective, and ask for more awareness.
 
Hi 1234567,

If you bring up the guilt idea with your partner, do you think your partner will react defensively?
 
Funnily enough, no. I think they would be relieved at being understood, if I'm right. And responsive. I think I might be on the right track.
 
In that case, I'll vote for having that conversation with them. :)
 
If you lean toward conversation, have it.

If it helps to ask "I wonder if you do x behavior from guilt. Do you?" Go ahead and ask it.

Could also ask if they could be willing to do Y behavior instead of x.

Galagirl
 
My experience over the last 40+ years was that if you have to force it or emotions get in the way, odds are that it is not going to last long. Out of 8 couples we knew into poly relationships, we are the only ones who lasted longer than 10 years.

It worked for me, my wife and our girlfriend because it was what all three of us wanted and needed. No jealousy ever. We each had our own bedrooms and functioned as a Triad when we did things. My wife occasionally went out alone with our girlfriend to go shopping or see a concert by someone I was not interested in but with it came to hitting the clubs or going out to dinner, we did it as a Triad.
 
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