Happy, Solo, Interested in Poly Ethics

AwareManNYC

New member
After experimenting and finding a way to a happy life, it is now time to say hello to the NYC poly community. I’m looking for people who want to share their stories about what they’ve learned and how the growth process that is poly has worked for them. I’m not working on a book or doing research. I have just found that deep conversations over lunch or dinner are a rewarding way to spend time. I want more such conversations.

I’m a 60 year old, cis, het man, divorced with two grown kids. I run as a solo poly person, and don’t give a run down of who I’m seeing until I know people better.

My poly experience was enriched by a gay friend’s comment that, “being gay was about being exactly who you wanted to be.” I’ve found that my curiosity, desire to love and explore, and appetite for intimacy have always been larger than could fit into one relationship. If being honest about that is poly, then that’s what I am, and exactly who I want to be.

I feel at peace when I survey my life and know that the people I chose to love also have chosen to love me in a complete and honest way, accepting multiple partners. My stability is seasoned by the excitement that comes from the ever present possibility that I may meet new people along the way.

Polyamory is not a simple way to live, but the burdens and complexities are so worth mastering. Being poly is a life skill that remains challenging because people always change and offer up new ways to love and live. But at its core, poly ethics are infused with kindness and concern for supporting others. Working, as one must, through poly relationships has made me a better person. Having the difficult discussions builds lasting intimacy.

As a cis, het man, I am so grateful for the poly, cis, het women who have made my life so deeply intense and interesting. Thank you for being so articulate, for telling me exactly what you want and what is working in every dimension, and for listening precisely when I do the same. Thank you for planning, being organized, and negotiating ways to live together and committing to the deals made. Thank you for letting me know when things have changed, when your heart, mind, or body has transformed, and new arrangements must be made. Thank you mostly for the way you seek to fit my desires for emotional, sexual, spiritual, and religious intimacy to your own and for jumping in with both feet when we have shared interests. You so gracefully find what fits, celebrating the connections, leaving behind the differences when possible, and navigating them when attention is required. Thank you for your kindness, for loving me as who I am and wanting me to be happy. You know I want that for you.

So, that’s a bit of who I am. My profile has a few more details. Like many poly people, I love to talk. I’ve read most of the interesting books on polyamory and have intricate, bizarre, and also run-of-the-mill opinions about our way of life. I’m also quite deeply into writing and food and theater and music. I look forward to meeting others who share this delicious path.

Here are a couple specific questions I’m struggling with:

<) What are your ethics of managing change? When things start to change in a relationship, how early do you talk about it? When do you blow off an uneasy feeling and wait and see what happens? What are your triggers that indicate a real problem is rising up that needs to be discussed?

<) What meditations or other practices work to wash away your jealousy? How can jealousy be an on ramp to growth and learning? I’ve gotten better at handling such feelings, but I they still appear and I’m trying better to understand them.

There it is.

-AwareManNYC
 
Greetings AwareManNYC,
Welcome back and welcome to the intro board. Please continue to lurk, browse, etc.

I, personally, have come to be very comfortable in my closed/poly-fi V. We used to have quite a few problems in our composite relationship, and I used to be a lot more philosophical about poly. Things aren't that exciting nowadays, for us our life together is as routine and domestic as a stereotypical monogamous relationship.

I did have problems with jealousy in the past. I found that the best way to deal with those problems was to focus on my needs. "Okay, I'm feeling jealousy. Do I have needs that aren't being met, and if so, what are they?" Then I would ask my partner (the hinge of the V) for help in meeting those needs. Taking those steps seemed to dissolve the jealousy.

I actually communicated more in the past than I do in the present. Things don't change much for us these days, we seem to have quite a stable relationship, and as I said it is closed, so, one less agent of change. In the past I would pretty much discuss anything that troubled me (change or uneasy feelings or triggers that signaled a real problem) right away -- with my partner. Sometimes my metamour would be in on the discussion, but he wasn't a strong communicator so, a lot of times just me and our hinge talked about it.

Basically, for me, an uneasy feeling *is* a trigger. No problem is too small to warrant discussion. I do still talk with my partner, just not as often, not at length, and usually she initiates the conversation. Which is odd, and maybe a little dysfunctional, but it seems to work for us and is satisfactory.

That's all I have for you for now; let me know if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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Welcome aboard!
 
What are your ethics of managing change?
Admit it.
When things start to change in a relationship, how early do you talk about it?
Right away.
When do you blow off an uneasy feeling and wait and see what happens?
If I trust someone, I ask questions and wait respectfully for a clear answer. I state my boundaries. I care for myself.
What are your triggers that indicate a real problem is rising up that needs to be discussed?
That varies. What do you see in your life right now that is a big real problem?
What meditations or other practices work to wash away your jealousy? How can jealousy be an on ramp to growth and learning? I’ve gotten better at handling such feelings, but I they still appear and I’m trying better to understand them.
Jealousy is based on fear of loss. My poly partner and I (12 years and counting) do not fear losing each other so we do not experience jealousy. Do you fear losing a partner or partners right now? Have you experienced great loss in the past, even in childhood?
 
What are your ethics of managing change?
Usually I like to work this out with a partner when we are both calm and there is no change or debate to be had. I am a straight forward, want to tell you immediately ideally to your face type. But that can be conflict and not give people the space and need to process. Think every relationship varries.

When things start to change in a relationship, how early do you talk about it?
If you have even a ounce of clarity, sooner the better in my book.

When do you blow off an uneasy feeling and wait and see what happens?
I have done this twice before and it backfired. First time I got in to deep and lost myself for a few years which was no good. Second time would have saved me a few weeks but showed up during a bad time for both of us. For every relationship I say my uneasiness, it has always turned out for the better when all said and done.

What are your triggers that indicate a real problem is rising up that needs to be discussed?
Problems are always "real" until they are not. Usually a quick in person talk will help provide valid insight to see if the problem is something in my head or valid and needs to be discussed or a boundary I can't cross.

What meditations or other practices work to wash away your jealousy?
Lucky here as so far not an issue. Partners are seeing other people and over them moon with them makes me so happy and attracted to my partners. A true win-win so far!

For other partners who I have had, usually it is just a heart to heart hearing their worries. That can resolve most jealousy for at least the short term.

How can jealousy be an on ramp to growth and learning?
Live it, learn it. Growth never stops and you look for resources to help you understand and process.
 
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