Hard time with feelings in throuple

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Allypie96

New member
Hi all, I’m new here. I’ve been searching the entire internet for answers and have come up empty-handed. My anxiety is at an all-time high and I’m hoping someone could share some advice if they’ve been in this situation.

So, my partner and I (M & F, together for 4 years) have always talked about being poly, since day one of our relationship. I've had more experience in poly relationships. He had none. My experiences were just made up of my boyfriend wanting to be poly, and we all broke up because the relationships didn’t work. But I did like the good times, like spending time together as a group and obviously the great sex. My current partner and I (we’ll call him C) have had a handful of encounters with other women together over the years, or even just C and someone else. I was shocked that I was pretty okay with that. C did an amazing job with reassurance and making me feel heard when tough feelings to turned up.

But recently C met this girl (we’ll call her R). We both saw potential for a throuple relationship with her. It was a bit of a rocky start. None of us really knew what were doing. Some of us felt left out. I felt like they had a head start on me, like they were closer together than I was with her.

So, jump to now, 4 weeks later, I’m realizing that I’m only sexually attracted to R. I can’t see myself getting romantically and emotionally close to her. And on top of that, I am getting very jealous and envious of the two of them together. A big fight broke out between the three of us a few days ago because of my big feelings, which put R and me in a weird place.

C keeps reassuring me that he’ll love me no matter what. He’s simply amazing. I’ve expressed to him my feelings, about how I’m not attracted to R as a mate, and that I’m having a hard time sharing him in a romantic/relationship setting. He suggested turning our triad into a sister-wives type of thing. “So this way, instead of having to focus on a bunch of problems at one time, you can work on the one big one” --C.

I am going to therapy for my anxiety and the past trauma that I’d never worked out. I recognize that’s got to do with a lot of my feelings now. The big fight we all had the other day, I was tempted to say “No, I can’t do this." But there’s also a part of me that doesn’t want that.

Are my big feelings too much for this type of relationship?
If we try the sister-wives dynamic, what if my big feelings get bigger?
How do I get over my feelings toward their “new relationship energy”?
 
Hello Allypie96,

Being in a throuple can be hard. Just one of the drawbacks can be that the attraction/connection can be uneven, with two partners being closer to each other than with the third partner, and with the third partner feeling left out. That's not how it's supposed to be, but sometimes that's how it ends up.

I don't know what you can do about your big feelings, and I don't know if they're too much for this situation. You mentioned that part of it is that you are struggling with jealousy. I don't know if this will help, but here are some links for dealing with jealousy.
Hopefully the therapy you are getting will help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi, I'm sorry that you are in this unpleasant situation. I have been in a kind of throuple with two women and a very fine balance is needed to maintain it well. Can you tell us why you feel you cannot have a deeper bond with R?

In throuples there are multiple dynamics at play which can be pretty difficult to manage. You have multiple relationships to understand: R and C, C and you, R and you, and all three of you. Sometimes everything just clicks and a good balance is achieved where everyone is kind of satisfied, but unbalance can set in in many of the different relationships.

I feel that all of the relationships are upset, and a key to it is in your relationship with R. She is the new member in the relationship, so the upset is quite natural.

And yes, due to NRE, it is also not surprising that C and R are a bit closer.

I usually don't want to give concrete advice. Please understand that there are always risks involved. But what you need to do sometimes in this situation is to focus on you and R. Tell C that you and R need to have some time together. Leave him out a bit. Take R on a date, do something fun, have sex only the two of you once you have more emotional sparks. Try to connect on a one-on-one basis, even make C a bit jealous, but not too much so that he starts worrying you run off as a lesbian couple. Maybe you can have a romantic relationship with R once it is only you and her.

I felt that, in this kind of throuple, you need to have a very solid foundation between the women. Even perhaps there should be a little unbalance towards the women's bond. A throuple with two women and a man can be precarious, because there can be rivalry (due to traditional expectations and worries). But, once the women are happy and secure, then the throuple can be more stable. It is often not easy to establish a throuple in any way, but can be very rewarding.

In my case, we had to move away, so the throuple ended, but it was very rewarding for us while we were together.
 
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Thank you for your advice. Helps me look at it from a different angle.

I’m having a hard time with my relationship with R for a few different reasons, my biggest one being that I’ve never been in a relationship with a woman before. I’ve always have had a sexual attraction to women, and I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences with them. But I have a hard time wrapping my head around looking at R as my significant other, as I do with C.

It’s very different from what C and I have had since we first met; Like, there’s no spark, I don’t get butterflies, and there’s no drive. I know it sounds a bit silly, and gender doesn’t necessarily define a person's personality and stuff. It’s just how I feel. I’ve tried explaining to C, and he doesn't really think it makes sense either. It’s just something I’ve got to figure out through therapy I suppose.

But your advice is very solid. I hadn’t thought of some of that. I appreciate you taking the time to help, and I will do my very best to try all of that out.
 
Not everything is a trauma response. In fact, most people don't date their 'metamours' (partners of their partner), and everyone has their preferred distance. It's totally ok to prefer something like 'meet her once every two weeks for a social event we all like, and don't hear much about her in the meantime.'

It's ok (although possibly impractical) to not see her ever. Let them have their alone time and don't discuss the details.

Why go all the way to 'sister wives' (or, as we usually call similar arrangements, where it's fine to share meals and do stuff as a group, 'kitchen table poly') in such a new relationship? If you don't see her as partner or flatmate, don't make her partner or flatmate. She's compatible with him, not you.

It's normal for the hinge (shared partner) to want everyone to get along great and hang out together, but it does not usually suit metamours as much.
 
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I see Tinwen and nks have totally opposite responses, based on their own experiences. nks (a newer member here) was in a seemingly workable triad, whereas, I know that Tinwen is in a very long-term V.

I, personally, began practicing polyamory in 1999. My ex-h and I were (naive) unicorn hunters at first. We thought we could "share" a female partner. However, when we did approach a friend about it, she said she was interested, but it turned out she was only interested in my h as a lover, and was barely even interested in me, except as a casual friend. She didn't have a gay bone in her body haha

I've tried other configurations since. I started doing poly full time in 2009, after my ex-h and I split. I got into a serious relationship with a woman (Pixi), so we are a FF couple. (More or less... I am actually non-binary, but I present pretty femme.) Lots of men I dated were interested in Pixi and me as a "package deal," and we briefly tried sexual threesomes/relationships with a couple of them, but we found we didn't like it. The dynamics were too confusing and took too much energy. We weren't here to fulfill men's sexual fantasies of two women in bed. Bleh.

In your case, if you just want sex with R (may I call her Rose?), you can just do that, from time to time, if the mood strikes. One can be polyamorous, but also enjoy the occasional NSA romp. You and C (Cal?) are not a Borg or a couple-blob. You are each allowed to be attracted to people differently.

You do NOT have to live with Rose. You do NOT have to date Rose one-on-one. You do NOT need host her at your house, whether for dinner, TV, or for her to have sex with Cal. And certainly not overnight.

Kitchen-table poly is when a V spends a lot of time together. The metamours need to get along really well to do this. This isn't uncommon. Maybe you and she want to go have lunch, take turns hosting each other for dinner, go shopping, or whatever hobby you enjoy. An extreme form of KTP would be when the newer partner moves in with the established couple (or you get a new place all together, which is fairer). But of course, one should never do this until the "new relationship energy" (NRE) has worn off, and the relationship is established, which takes at least a year, preferably two.

If you like Rose okay, but not all that much, you can do garden-party poly, where you only see each other at special events, like at Cal's birthday celebration, or at a holiday party, maybe a concert.

Finally, you can do parallel poly, where, in this case, Cal would go see Rose at her place, or get a hotel room, and you can keep your own home a sacred space where you can relax. You can just be "basic polite" when you cross paths at the door or in town. It's good to have at least this much rapport, especially in cases of emergencies.

In my case, I do something in between KTP and GPP. I host Aries here when Pixi goes to Malachi's place. We all four get together at the holidays, for meals, tree trimming, concerts. Sometimes if Pixi and Malachi are hosting friends of hers, whom I know, overnight, I will be invited to his place to hang out with them then.

Pixi and Aries like each other, but we don't want any attraction to build up, as often it tends to do when a woman and a man hang out. We want to keep any hormone flares to a minimum. Those guys and their testosterone... yikes.

Never think you have to force each other to like, desire or love each other's metamours. It just leads to awkwardness, even pain, for everyone. Love can't be forced. You don't need to "take one for the team."
 
Magdlyn and Tiwen's advice is wise and very workable. They have plenty of experience, while mine is more limited, so you should listen to them first. The only reason I wrote about working on the throuple, because you (Allypie96) wrote that you loved the group aspect, the sex, and you too saw the chance of a throuple, which suggest that you too had a spark at least for R(ose). For me, a good working throuple is such a good experience that I feel it's worth the effort. But, if it is too complicated then perhaps it is better not to force things but have a more workable arrangement. Anyway, let us know how things are developing.
 
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