Hard to fall in love

J

Josie

New member
Hi!

I've seen a lot of people on this forum who find love quite frequently/easily.

What about those of you who have a bit more trouble falling in love? Those who don't manage it easily/often?

I'm one of those people. I can really like someone, be really attracted to them, get on with them in almost every way, and still not have that romantic love for them - not enough for a long-term relationship anyway.

It's been this way in past mono relationships, and has been through the course of my poly relationships. I am very much in love with H, but despite how much I cared for and got along with my Ex P, I couldn't get that sort of feeling and we faded into just being friends in the end.

Sometimes I worry that maybe I can't love more than one person at once, but then again, in the past mono relationships it's been the same and I've found it difficult to develop love. So I really don't know.

Even in the relationships where I have been in love, it's a slow going progress at first, and I often don't think I'll get there for the first few months.

It makes me scared to start up new relationships when I like someone, because I'm afraid I'll turn round in a few months and have to tell them that my feelings just aren't progressing like theirs - and may never get that stage.

Anyone else like this?
 
Josie said:
I am very much in love with H, but despite how much I cared for and got along with my Ex P, I couldn't get that sort of feeling and we faded into just being friends in the end.
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I fall in love easily and deeply. It is something that happens without my input.

However, if I compared all of my "loves" to an ex of mine, MT, then I would have to say that I've only been in love once. It wouldn't be true to say that I've only been in love with MT, but it's fair to say that what I felt and feel for her is not something I've ever felt again or previously.

Is it possible that this is part of the issue? Remember that love is an extremely subjective idea and it means something different not only to each person, but also for the same person but paired with different people. Your love for H may well be unique and there is certainly nothing wrong with that.

Josie said:
Even in the relationships where I have been in love, it's a slow going progress at first, and I often don't think I'll get there for the first few months.
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If it isn't an equivocation issue, maybe this is just how you develop romantic feelings for a person. I don't see it as strange, really, people are so varied that it isn't odd that you are slow to warm to what you would qualify as "love".

Josie said:
It makes me scared to start up new relationships when I like someone, because I'm afraid I'll turn round in a few months and have to tell them that my feelings just aren't progressing like theirs - and may never get that stage.
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As someone who falls in love quickly and likes to have clear expectations of what is ahead, the only thing I might suggest is that you chat about this with a new lover. As things are progressing and it's clear enough that feelings are likely to start growing maybe just have an honest conversation with them about this. That way, they have it in their minds that "It's not that I'm doing anything wrong, necessarily, it just might take her a long time to warm up like that"

But also I'd say to take it easy on yourself and not worry about what chemistry blossoms and what doesn't. If you are correct you may find yourself in this situation slightly more frequently than other people... but it happens to everyone. Sometimes the romance just doesn't come out or stick around.
 
I guess I'm curious why you feel this is a problem. Why do you feel a need to fall in love with more people? What difference does it make if you're only in love with your husband? Why do you want to start up a new relationship if you don't expect to ever feel romantically toward the person?

I have come to realize I really don't fall in love that often, and I figure it'll happen when it happens. There just isn't chemistry, for me, with any of the guys I've gone out with. I figure I just haven't met the right one yet.
 
I subscribe to love theory.

I crush "all the time" if you are measuring by "hitting anywhere on that chart."

I've only had 1 consummate love that is still going, and then one other that came close to that but ended. So if I measure all my love experiences by the consummate love yardstick -- then NO. Not many at all. Actual contenders that are more than just passing fancies? They are few and far between.

Am I broken? Nope. Does it bother me? Nope. These are just the love experiences I've had so far, in the flavors they have been. Other experiences were good, but hit in a different zone. I don't want to go wide. I want to go deep. And that takes more time to cultivate and I am totally ok with that coming in a much slower pace because it takes a longer time to try to grow.

Perhaps taking a step back and considering your love experiences as "your love experiences" rather than "Not enough of THIS kind" or "Not FAST enough" will help you see YOU are not "broken?" There's plenty of right ones out there who complement your personality. They just don't all come at the right time, and they don't necessarily want the same shape you do or at the same speed you like. That's what the dating time is for -- to figure all that out.

What's the hurry? :confused:

Here's how I perceive your worry. I shorten to bullet list it. I know I could be wrong. But to me it seems you are saying --

  • (Because I grow love slowly,) I am scared to start up new relationships when I like someone.
  • I'm afraid that in a few months, (they will be really into me) and I may have to tell them that my feelings just aren't progressing like theirs.
  • I'm afraid that I may have to tell them that I may never get that stage -- (where how I feel "matches" what they feel.)

That's a valid feeling. You feel what you feel.

And that's a reasonable possibility that could happen in the dating time. One person feels one thing and the other feels another. So they either continue to date to see if eventually feelings match or they choose to end dating because it is not looking likely to match.

Not every dating partner will be destined to be a long haul runner. That's just life.

Where in that dating scenario is the problem for you? I am confused. :confused:

What about telling the dating partner this stuff makes it a scary thing for you?
  • You are afraid they will respond with _______?
  • You are comfortable/not comfortable doing the breaking up talk?
  • Emotional conversation of any kind makes you nervous?
  • You are afraid they don't want to wait and continue to date to give you time?
  • You are tired of the search and worry there won't be anyone for you?
  • Something else?

Could you be willing to elaborate?

Galagirl
 
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I'm definitely on the 'does not fall in love easily' side of the spectrum. I've said 'I love you' to 5 people in my entire life, 2 of those were/are romantic love. The number of people I can fall in love with romantically are rather limited by my personality and by my choices. I just met very few people that I am compatible to fall in love with. And I'm ok with that. If I do meet that rare person, and the feelings are reciprocated, it tends to last a while. (It's a bit soon to tell with Whip.)

I just don't attract the 'fall in love easily' people. So that solves that incompatiblity.

But if you are concerned with inadvertently leading someone on, I would just tell potential partners this is how you are, get their reactions, and see how things go. You are not broken. You are just slow to love. Nothing wrong with that as long as you don't play with other's feelings. And since you are concerned about that very thing, I doubt that will be a problem.
 
Josie said:
Hi!

I've seen a lot of people on this forum who find love quite frequently/easily.

What about those of you who have a bit more trouble falling in love? Those who don't manage it easily/often?

I'm one of those people. I can really like someone, be really attracted to them, get on with them in almost every way, and still not have that romantic love for them - not enough for a long-term relationship anyway.

It's been this way in past mono relationships, and has been through the course of my poly relationships. I am very much in love with H, but despite how much I cared for and got along with my Ex P, I couldn't get that sort of feeling and we faded into just being friends in the end.

Sometimes I worry that maybe I can't love more than one person at once, but then again, in the past mono relationships it's been the same and I've found it difficult to develop love. So I really don't know.

Even in the relationships where I have been in love, it's a slow going progress at first, and I often don't think I'll get there for the first few months.

It makes me scared to start up new relationships when I like someone, because I'm afraid I'll turn round in a few months and have to tell them that my feelings just aren't progressing like theirs - and may never get that stage.

Anyone else like this?
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This sounds similar to a situation I found myself in earlier this year. A long time friend (and potential partner) visited me in the flesh for the first time. Spent a few weeks with me and my family, and told me “I Love you”. I grew very quiet, and a bit withdrawn. Not because it was sudden/unexpected (even though it was). I grew quite because of what “love” between partners means to ME. My friend understood intuitively that I had gotten uncomfortable, and said that I need not say anything at all, “words are not important”. :)

Eventually I came to a decision and talked with my friend about what I did/do feel. Closeness, tenderness, desire, care, and concern. I told my friend that I do not feel committed, that if we never get another opportunity to see each other in the flesh, or if our circumstance change and we can not be partners that I am ok with that. For me a level of commitment is needed to move beyond the love of friends into the love of partners.

When I explained my view of love to my friend, they were much more ok with my not saying, “I love you” back. My friend told me that I feel how he does, I just don’t call it love yet. My friend felt better knowing we had the same or similar feeling, and I felt better knowing my friend wasn’t upset that I could not offer the wording my friend was looking for.

Considering my experience, I am suggesting that you talk about what you DO feel, and not what you don’t feel, or can’t say yet. Then see how that is received, and let thing progress “feeling” wise at their own pass for you.
 
Thanks for all the replies :)

Marcus: It isn't a comparison thing. I've loved people in different ways. I'm not expecting them to all be the same - the mention of my Ex was simply anecdotal.

What Happened: I don't feel that I need to fall in love with other people. And that's the thing, it's not exactly that I don't expect to ever feel romantic feelings for another person, I have crushes and such.

I guess it's more that when I start to have feelings for someone and get into a relationship, I get the chemistry and progression up to a point and then it all just stops and I'm no longer comfortable in the relationship despite all the reasons I liked them in first place still being there. And it's difficult to let people down without being able to give them a good reason. Though I guess that's the same for everyone.

Galagirl: I think there may have been some miscommunication. I don't feel broken in any way and am not really in a hurry either. I was just putting up something on my mind and was interested in other people's experiences.

Opalescent: 'I just don't attract the 'fall in love easily' people. So that solves that incompatiblity.

But if you are concerned with inadvertently leading someone on, I would just tell potential partners this is how you are, get their reactions, and see how things go. You are not broken. You are just slow to love. Nothing wrong with that as long as you don't play with other's feelings. And since you are concerned about that very thing, I doubt that will be a problem. '

Thanks for your post. I think my problem may be that I pretty much only attract the 'fall in love easily' people, so I rarely get to be at the same stage at them before they end up getting hurt that I'm not there yet.

I think my main worry is that of accidentally leading someone on. I tend to end up managing it even when I'm doing my best not to. In fact that's part of the problem. I end up trying so hard not to lead someone on that I end up not feeling able to really be myself in the relationship.

I'll let people know that I'm not at the stage that they are yet, but then every time I'm affectionate, or act on what feelings I already have, they seem to take it as my suddenly catching up with them. Then it gets really awkward.



Although, you guys are right, not everyone is the same. Not every person I get with will need to have me progress at the same rate as them, I've just had that experience a lot in the past - doesn't mean I should let it stop me even trying :)
 
I am pretty firmly in the "fall in love rarely and slowly" category, too, and it has been a problem for me in past dating scenarios. Unlike Opalescent, I tend to attract partnerswho fall in love quickly and easily, and this gets awkward and uncomfortable really fast sometimes. There is also a lot of potential for someone to get deeply hurt, which is obviously something I try to avoid when possible. So, I feel your pain there.

Like you, I don't want to lead them on, so I am very upfront about how my relationships generally progress. I feel that is about all I can do, and what happens from there happens. As long as the communication is open and honest, I feel there's no reason to back away from someone I like (especially since it happens so rarely!). There are no emotional guarantees in any relationship, really, poly or mono, fast or slow.
 
I don't fall in love easier either. I may be demi-romantic, which means only being able to experience romantic attraction after being close friends with someone. I don't even "fall" in love; I can only grow in love. But when I was younger, I could have crushes on people very quickly after meeting them, but now I'm glad that I've lost that ability. I don't need the "in love" feelings based on hormonal rush. Romantic love slowly developed from friendship is much better, because it leads to healthier and more compatible relationships.

Furthermore, I've also realized a significant relationship doesn't have to be romantic at all. I'm heteroromantic and one of my SOs is of the same sex as me. I'm not romantically attracted to her, but I'm intellectually and emotionally attracted to her, which is enough to make me feel warm and fuzzy when talking to her. In fact, my feelings for her aren't too different from my feelings for my male SOs after the initial passion has faded. And although I enjoy the high of NRE when it happens, it's the more comfortable and "boring" friendship component that I really cherish in any relationship of mine.

Not sure if this is helpful to you...It's mostly my rambling as an asexual with weird relationship outlooks. :p
 
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Josie said:
Hi!

I've seen a lot of people on this forum who find love quite frequently/easily.

What about those of you who have a bit more trouble falling in love? Those who don't manage it easily/often?

I'm one of those people. I can really like someone, be really attracted to them, get on with them in almost every way, and still not have that romantic love for them - not enough for a long-term relationship anyway.

It's been this way in past mono relationships, and has been through the course of my poly relationships. I am very much in love with H, but despite how much I cared for and got along with my Ex P, I couldn't get that sort of feeling and we faded into just being friends in the end.

Sometimes I worry that maybe I can't love more than one person at once, but then again, in the past mono relationships it's been the same and I've found it difficult to develop love. So I really don't know.

Even in the relationships where I have been in love, it's a slow going progress at first, and I often don't think I'll get there for the first few months.

It makes me scared to start up new relationships when I like someone, because I'm afraid I'll turn round in a few months and have to tell them that my feelings just aren't progressing like theirs - and may never get that stage.

Anyone else like this?
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Pretty much. I met N 5 years ago and it was an explosion. I havent felt that way since. I had a very huge crush on a couple people but I never allow myself to love someone unless it can be reciprocated.
 
Thanks for elaborating!

I think my main worry is that of accidentally leading someone on.
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That's easy enough to address. You could tell them this up front.

"Hey, I want to make you aware of something before we get deep into dating here. I warm up slow. I don't want you to think I'm leading you on or like I'm not willing to explore something here. I'm just not the personality type that falls in love fast. Just making you aware, ok? I'm a slow burn type person."​

Or something like that. Then they know. :)

Galagirl
 
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I certainly understand the concern about leading people on. I've closed down my accounts at dating sites, because I've gone on too many dates where I find I like the guy, enjoy the company, but feel absolutely no chemistry, and it's awkward when they want to keep going out, and I'm pretty sure I'm never going to feel the chemistry...but I know they're not looking for 'just friends.'
 
Josie said:
I can really like someone, be really attracted to them, get on with them in almost every way, and still not have that romantic love for them - not enough for a long-term relationship anyway.
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Perhaps it is a mistake to believe that love = long-term. I don't really see how a feeling automatically requires a qualifier such as length of time or some other feature that means "It's serious now!" Who needs that.

I love very easily but I don't connect love with the idea that it means the relationship should lead to a long-term commitment. I have loved people with whom my relationship was short-term, and in some cases extremely short, and had no problem with that. My heart connected, my appreciation of the person deepened, and our lives were enriched for whatever amount of time we were together. One of them I was with only one night, in 1990, and never was in contact with him again. He is still remembered with fondness and love.

Perhaps you have loved and just didn't call it that because they weren't suitable for a long-term commitment. Also, keep in mind that love and romance are two different things.
 
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Are you sure you may not be afraid of falling in love, because you're afraid of being hurt?

I dated a guy a couple years ago who was 62 and had never said "I love you" to any human. After seeing him a few months, he admitted he sometimes said it to his dog when they were alone.

Shortly after that, he told me he loved me... I was touched to be his first. But in his case, I am pretty sure he had a very bad example of what an adult relationship was, from his parents, and never really learned HOW to let himself love.

I am not really getting that vibe from you, just thought I'd throw it out there as part of the discussion.
 
nycindie said:
Perhaps it is a mistake to believe that love = long-term. I don't really see how a feeling automatically requires a qualifier such as length of time or some other feature that means "It's serious now!" Who needs that.

...

Perhaps you have loved and just didn't call it that because they weren't suitable for a long-term commitment. Also, keep in mind that love and romance are two different things.
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This is one of my very favorite things about polyamory. Once you take away the mindset that the only people worth pursuing are those with whom you have a chance at happily-ever-after, you get to enjoy each relationship for where it's at and not worry about where it's going.

I love Fly, Moonlight, and Punk. I love them all in a romantic sense. But the way that love has grown, and what it means for each relationship is very, very different. Fly is probably my most traditional love - the one I've built a home with, the one I'm raising a child with. Moonlight is my darling love that I want in my life for a very long time, but that I need to keep a level of separateness with, not someone I want to completely intermingle my life with. And Punk is a beloved sexy friend who I lose touch with occasionally, but who overwhelms me with kindness, generosity, and understanding when we come back together.

There are others who made appearances in my life for a very brief period, and they all gave me the gift of themselves for however long they stuck around. Some weren't in a place to offer long-term, some weren't people who would fit in my life for longer than they did, but I'm so happy I had the opportunity to love them for as long as I could.

I love the idea that people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime, and that they're all important and valuable and to be cherished, no matter how long or short the relationship might be.
 
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