Has anyone been like this?

Tahirabs

New member
I am new to all this, so I don't know if anyone else feels this way, or if it is just me.

I have recently gotten a girlfriend whom I love dearly. At the same time, I am married. A lot of you may know my story, as I have posted a few things here and there. What I was wondering was this: I know for a fact I would not be poly if it weren't for the two people I love. I don't feel like I am poly, just more like I am in love with two people. If, for some strange reason, either of them would want to leave me, I wouldn't go out looking for anyone else. I wasn't looking in the first place. My girlfriend just ended up at my house through a mutual friend.

Does this sound odd? Does anyone else feel this way? Let me know, please.
 
Most of us, if not all, are not poly because we feel poly. We are poly because we simply love more than one person at a time.

For me, I found when I was first getting interested in girls that I was always interested in more than one. Even when I made a connection with one, I was still interested in others and could connect with them, too. I wasn't terribly interested in the "going steady" thing, because it meant I couldn't also see other girls.

Did I feel poly? Um, no. Leaving aside the fact that the term hadn't been coined at that time, I only knew that I could love more than one at a time. I wondered why it wasn't possible to "go steady" with two or three girls.
 
Thank you for your thoughts, but I think I did not clarify myself very well. I was more asking if anyone felt like they wouldn't be poly at all if it weren't for the people they were in love with. I know if it weren't for my two lovers I definitely would not be poly. The idea had never entered my mind (even the concept, let alone the word). Does anyone else feel this way?
 
YES! I do! In fact, I am with one man, Ouroboros, and not with another (for many reasons), yet I do love them both. I don't "feel" poly, and in fact, I don't even put the title on myself. I just feel this way. I bet I could love many. The logistics of having the relationships is another matter entirely.

Also, even though I feel this way, I still get weirded out by Ouroboros wanting to see other women. I know it is something I need to think about.
 
Typically, most people know they're poly once they get their secret decoder ring and the instructions for the secret handshake.

I've always been intrigued with multiple relationships. I never really pursued it until recently, and even then, not very aggressively. I figure, what happens happens. If someone comes into my life that I'm interested in, and they're okay with it, maybe something will happen. If not, that's okay too.
 
You don't have to use any title at all, really. I think it's totally fine to love whoever you want. I always loved more than one person, from the very beginning of consciously crushing out on people. I didn't call it poly; it just was. The same goes for this. So you love two people and that is unusual for you. So what? It just is, and you all can carry on enjoying it.
 
I think sometimes I am more committed to my poly lifestyle than I am to any of my partners. Right now, at this time in my life, I am poly and not just in love with more than one person. I choose to go out, date and meet new people.

However, that being said, I came to be poly by accidently falling in love with another man. I didn't even know what poly was back then, and at that time I thought that if I broke up with one of those 2 partners I'd never look for another. When relationship 2 ended, I waited 6 or 7 months and then decided that I'd actually enjoyed the experience of loving more than one person. So I did start looking and dating. Then I researched polyamory and realised that this is the way I wanted to lead my life.

:)
Jools
 
My short answer is yes, I felt EXACTLY that way about my relationship with P. I have always loved more than one person, but never went the poly route until her. I was more into serial monogamy or cheating. (I'm not proud of that.)

I'll give you a better answer later when there is not a baby asleep on me. :)
 
Yep, I said this to AB and AL the other day, word for word. Get out of my head. :p
 
Yes she did! It's crazy! Haha
 
Okay, I have maybe 15 minutes.

I've almost always found myself being interested or loving more than one person at a time, but I never knew the term polyamory. I just assumed there was something wrong with me, or that I was incapable of commitment, or even of "real" love, due to these feelings. But, often, I'd deny the feelings for the other and not act outside my committed relationship. Other times, I'd (unfortunately) cheat on my mono partner. This was mostly when I was younger and almost always at the point where the relationship was breaking down, anyway.

A lot of times I'd go from one mono relationship directly into the next, either through cheating, or through breaking off the first relationship when I knew cheating was imminent. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Then again, as I've stated before, many of my relationships were with men who wouldn't exactly be considered good people. I've often wondered if I chose them knowing I couldn't be mono and not wanting to hurt good people. Hmm. That's another topic.

I had one boyfriend who I felt was actually very good to me. I didn't feel I needed anything else in a man. We got engaged. However, I am bisexual and at that time had never had a relationship with a woman and was very curious. He was the first person I trusted enough and loved enough to be honest with about this side of me.

It wasn't taken well. Besides being called disgusting and unnatural, he began to completely monopolize my time and cut my female friends off from me. I realized later that this controlling aspect had always been his MO, as he had cut off my friendships with males in the past, limited my social life, and even told me how to dress. Ah, how love blinds us.

I ended up cheating on him with a female friend. But I wouldn't call it poly, not by my definition. She was also bicurious and had never had a female partner. We were friends with benefits, essentially, and she ended up trying to use me to spice up her relationship with her boyfriend. I broke it off. My fiance and I split up after I couldn't live with myself going behind his back anymore. Also, I had developed feelings for another male friend.

Back to serial monogamy for me. Then the new guy and I split and the fiance wanted me back. For a long time I was sick of it all. I dated both of the men on and off, and even occasionally saw the woman. I was not happy. It all came to a head one day and I lost everyone.

None of this was what I wanted or was under my definition of poly. Until N, who was the ONLY person who saw me for who I am and loved and accepted me for it, I had never lived a poly life. Until I fell for P (N's best friend) after years of friendship, I had never considered that I COULD live a poly life. And, until I was able to tell them both openly and honestly how I felt and was thrilled to find I could have them both, I never would have called myself truly poly.

Now that the relationship with P is over and she has apparently chosen to exile herself, I don't feel inclined to seek out another relationship. I don't want another relationship with a man. I still consider myself bisexual. But, it would take a very special woman and very intense feelings for me to revisit poly. I couldn't seek out a woman because of my sexual or emotional attraction to women. It would have to be another fall-in-my-lap situation type deal. Until if and when that happens, I'll remain happily mono with my husband. If it never happens, that's okay too.

I don't think poly is really in the ACT of having multiple loving relationships, so much as in the CAPACITY to do so. So I'm a non-practicing polyamorous person at the moment.

I hope some of this made sense. I'm sleep deprived. :p
 
Does anyone just not care?

About the style of relationship you are in?

I had a moment of clarity a while back, and realized that I just don't care if I am in a mono, poly, whatever relationship so long as my other relationship criteria are met. I am not drawn to either style, and could live happily in either style for a long time, i feel.
 
Back
Top