Has anyone gotten pregnant/conceived a child with their “non-nesting/secondary partner”?

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PolyPocketPrincess

New member
I would love some input about personal experiences with having a child (planned or unplanned) with your bf/gf/secondary partner whom you do not live with.

I’d love to hear details about your entire experience, ESPECIALLY regarding the involvement and roles of the child’s biological parent whom you do not live with, and also your nesting partner/parent of your other biological children (if any).

My main questions are:

  1. How did you explain the dynamic to your child and at what age? Did you progressively get more detailed when your child asked more questions?
  2. Did you let friends and family know, as well?
  3. What did the birth/newborn phase look like?
  4. What did/does raising the child look like?
  5. What would you change about your decisions, actions, etc. (if anything)?
This is currently my reality, as I’m due this summer, so I’d REALLY love any type of advice.
 
Hello PolyPocketPrincess,

I do not have any children of my own, nor have my two poly companions. I had stepchildren by my late wife, but that did not go well, I'm sure they would not want to admit I was their stepfather, and I feel likewise.

In your case I would say the best age at which to divulge something to your "secondary child" is when that child is old enough to start asking questions. You want to respect that child as an individual, if they are old enough to ask, then they are old enough to know.

Letting your friends and family know, is largely dependent on whether said friends and family will be respectful toward you and your situation. If they are very right wing, then they probably don't need to know, it is your own business.

Other than that, the birth/newborn phase should look about the same as for any other child. You do not love the child any less because they are the fruit of a secondary relationship, they are still your child and you love them.

As much as possible, you should raise the child just like you would any of your other children. The child's parent should not subject the child to any lesser treatment. They are your child, that is all that should matter.

Do not change anything about your decisions or actions with that child. Make sure that child knows that they are loved and included just as much as your other children. It's like a child whom you adopted. Would you treat an adopted child any differently from your other children?

Anyway those are some of my thoughts.
Kevin T.
 
Idealist has a child. It lives upstairs with their mother, while I live downstairs, and Idealist kinda lives in both the upstairs and downstairs flats. Sometimes the child comes here seeking dad. I'm not very involved in raising it - I could spend much mure time with it if I wanted to, but I haven't found the drive. They are the parents.
 
Back at the beginning of this board, we had a member called LovingRadiance, who had a big blended family consisting of her husband's son by a previous relationship, several kids with her husband, and one kid with her OSO. Here is a very long archived thread (20 pages) all about Children and Polyamory, in which she has posted, as have many other members. This should cover many of the bases for you.

 
In theory, it might work no differently than families where someone has a child with their ex. The biological parents live in separate households, the child either lives with one parent or moves between both households (with or without stepparents/step-/half-siblings in either household). Except that in a poly arrangement, the biological parents could also still be dating each other.

In reality, it depends on how everyone involved feels about it.

But I don't have kids myself, I'm just speculating.

Do you want to give any specifics about your situation? Or do you just want to hear from other people who've done it?
 
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