hating myself....and thinking I might have to be say no to poly

kala83

kala83

New member
I really feel like i just hate myself...

I keep trying to make changes do better in my life and yes I am progressing but I keep slipping back into habits of things that maybe I should or should not be doing.

I have struggled for a long time with a sex addiction. I am in a relationship right now....

however I have a person that I have mutual masturbation with before..and in the past....
this was someone whom I had a fwb relationship with before and who I ended up falling in love with but he did not feel the same for me but cared about me very deeply, as a good friend.

Its hard to break off the habits of being sexual with someone...cause I trust him and frankly even though i am happy to be in this relationship I am also really scared he has a sex addiction.....that he has struggled with.

He does not have great commitment skills when it comes to relationship and he is scared of hurting me.

When we were first dating i was still involved with two other people in my life in a sexual way ....because I was not getting the full jest of that he wanted or did not want a committed relationship from me...so I thought "well I am still single and I can do things with others cause....I am not tied to anyone"

My behavior is close to being a cheater but its not......its borderline.

I tried to set up boundaries with people that worked for others, and I thought with the whole mutual masturbation thing that was what was going on. But it was working for me and not everyone else.

my intentions were never to hurt anyone what so ever...and so far I have not....I am just getting really close to possibly doing so.

I keep feeling I need to use the self affirmation to myself that....
"simply because you love more then one person does not mean you have to have sex with those people."


I romantically in my heart love three people in my life right now...but I know realistically for a relationship I can only have one of these people.

and I have to live with that. I like the idea of polyamory that one can or should love more then one person.....I like it in theory.

For me when I have tried to live my life in this fashion...it simply creates drama and stress for all involved. And I really try my best to put myself out there to care for other people other then myself...and I do...

I just don't always do a good job of showing it.

I am really, really emotionally sensitive. and have a tendency to say what is on my mind at the time I feel that way....

and I am lucky my friends understand me well enough to know that...I am not trying to be selfish when i do this...that i just don't do a good job of thinking about others and how something may or may not make them feel in the long run.

I don't consider consequences and I really need too.


But what I hate the most is how I turn around look at all this junk in my life and truly deep down just feel like I hate myself for it all.

I wish I could turn around say no I am fine with all this I will be ok...thing will turn out fine...but I know I would be lying.

But just cause I feel like I hate myself does not mean I want to be sucidial or that I am going to be.

or that I want to stay in that place where I hate myself....it just means for me anyway.
 
Hello kala,

Yes, you can love multiple people without having sex with all of them. You can even call it polyamory if there's some (and some even say none) romance involved.

But why do you feel that you have a sexual addiction? and do you feel that you need to be monogamous for a particular reason?

You mentioned that you had feelings for three people at this point. Do all three people know about your feelings, and, if they do, are they consenting to the situation?

It sounds like this thing is really dragging you down, whatever it is. I hope we can help. So sorry that you are suffering on such an intense level.

Let us know what we can do to help.
With regards,
Kevin T.
 
That read like an emotional venting thing... so I'm going to guess it was? I'm very sorry you are hurting. :(

I'm not clear on what all you have going on there. :confused:

It was hard to read. But I'm going to take a stab in the dark and just try to reorganize what I did read. I could guess wrong, but maybe seeing your thoughts rearranged could help you somehow? :eek:

Here's what I get. My guessing in blue. You don't have to answer or do anything with it. Just offering it in case it is useful to you when you are feeling calmer.

I love three people in my life right now. I also like the idea of polyamory that one could love more then one person.

I come to find that in PRACTICE where I love and relate with several partners concurrently? I do not yet have all the interpersonal and interpersonal skills to pull it off and execute well.

I try my best to put myself out there to care for other people other than myself. I really do. I just don't always do a good job of it at this time.

  • I am really, really emotionally sensitive. (and take things personally? Don't have clear boundaries and get walked on? Something else?:confused:)
  • I have a tendency to feel X and then say whatever is on my mind at the time I feel that way. I do this (without thinking how it comes across to others? Without stopping to cool off first before expressing upset to others? Something else? :confused:)

    [*]I don't consider consequences or use forethought to see how my behavior could affect other people and I really need to to help minimize drama/stress.

  • I have a FWB share mutual masturbation with that all my other partners (know / do not know) about. (I am honest/ not honest about him being in the picture? I am / am not using safer sex practices with my partners? Something else? :confused:)

When I choose to behave in those ways listed above, it simply creates drama and stress for all involved. My way of going is not serving me well or my partners well. (I am / am not willing to work on changing my behavior at this time?)

I am processing disappointment in finding out that I have personal limitations in my intrapersonal and interpersonal skills at this time.

I am in the habit of (beating up on myself when I feel disappointed in my behavior and I bump up on my personal limitations?) rather than (be ok being disappointed and when ready to move it forward? I could decide to (accept my personal limitations at this time and work within them) or I could decide (what skills I want to grow so my personal limitations expand and no longer limit me that same way.)

I am wondering if I could improve my skills better by (focusing my energy on one relationship only at this time) or (continue with several partners at this time while doing that personal skills work.)​

Well... kinda up to you where you want to take it next. I hope venting did help you feel a bit better though. :eek:

Hang in there.
Galagirl
 
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even though its hard descision for me to make since I do in my heat have feelings for these people...

I am making the sacrifice of being mono for now. I know that loving more then one person is just in my nature...but my issue is I take it to a physical sexual level fairly easily and I do that without thinking of others and myself muich of the time.

I refuse to keep doing that since it puts me at risk.

I think you are very right in say in practice poly has just not worked for me...but just cause that is true does not take away the fact that I feel in love with these people and to a degree they are very much aware of that.

Most everyone knew about what all was going on...but some where not being fully honest with that they were not ok with it.

It is VERY VERY hard for me to stop being the ways I used to be around the people..now...but i have to...
 
Sounds pretty discouraging. If you are concerned about STI's/STD's, that's a real risk and I can understand that. Are there emotional risks too?

Sometimes venting can help, so I am glad if Polyamory.com can provide a listening ear. Let us know however we can help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
things have gotten lol interesting to say the least my bad habbits of trying to do really anything that might anciate bad habbits has gone entirely away cause it was causing harm to myself and to the people I care for.

All of the people I have in my life that I care and love KNOW this is how I feel, and I think the feeling is mutal that its a good thing that things are not sexual between us that its kind of forming more into asexual relationships.

Its hard to tell if I am the only one that fell in love with these people or if they felt the same way.

I feel like at one point they did truly end up falling in love with me...but they know that for whatever reason things are just not going to pan out the greatest for us doing that.

I think they like the idea of polyamory but its not something they could really do and see working unless it was in a strictly polyfedalitious relationship. Which I agree with, and frankly if i was to have any kind of poly relationship I would want that over anything else.

I love them all and my current BF whom i am sexually mono with right now...and intend on staying as such...but due to that I do love more the one person and I know they kind of feel the same but want Mono relationships themselves and are trying to date as such...there is of course feelings of jealous and hurt.....

not that I truly wish to feel this way I love them and want them to be happy they are also my friends. But this is just part of my personality and how emotionally I will end up dealing with things......it does not make me a bad person its just a truth for me as a person that I have to come to terms with.
 
You aren't a bad person for feeling things. Where is that voice coming from? :confused: You? Someone else?

Some feelings are fun to feel, some are not. It is what it is.

As I understand your current situation:

  • I love the people I love.
  • I currently am romantically involved with only my BF and sexual only with him.
  • I accept that the other people I love care for me but want mono relationships for themselves.
  • I accept that polyshipping is not an option here at this time.
  • I currently have to digest "disappointment type" feelings that this is what it is here -- hurt that it isn't going to happen here, envy that I don't date them while watching others date them, etc.

Yup. Pretty much -- and it may take some more time to arrive at "full acceptance" that this is what it is here and let go of disappointment. You are still processing. It takes time to complete. It will eventually blow on through if you let it -- give yourself more time.

Galagirl
 
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I think ironically it is harder for the other two people then it is for me.....its hurtful to us all....but I have to be fair to everyone involved.

they ended up feeling bad cause I over at their place today and they ended up having sex, they wanted me to join in like I have done before in the past and I had to say I could not.

Not for the lack of me not wanting, but because when I did have sex with them and I was still dating my BF I told him what had happened he was understanding but it was still hurtful to him since then I have made a promise that I would not "have sex with them" out of respect for our relationship.

I am a person that can easily be mono or poly....I enjoy and get a lot of forfillment out of both.

if I really could I woul choose to be poly or then mono...but poly relationships and me have only left me feeling hurt and stabbed in the past. I mean I know they are not aiming to...bu this is what its doing to me right now.....they miss me, they desire me, they want something back that they had last summer.

at that time I wanted to be with both of them I wanted to date them! but I was told that was not going to happen so I sought out love from someone else.

I hate, hate HATE dealing with all this.....frankly I hate the fact that I feel I have to be sexual with someone to love them....I don't even wanna have hardly anymore....the thought of me doing it now...makes me feel filled with disgust.
 
This isn't a religious thing, is it, this disgust at yourself over sex and/or sexual feelings? I had that kind of struggle with myself due to religious indoctrination when I was a teen, and that's why I ask.

Sexual addiction, IMO, is characterized by sex (and/or the desire for sex) interfering with, and messing up, your life (and the lives of those closest to you). You mentioned that your boyfriend didn't like you having sex with those other two people. Are there any other problems that sex (and the desire for it) has been causing you?

Other than that, though, I see no problem with deciding to be (at least sexually) monogamous. And you feel okay about that too, right? You did say that you felt okay living either monogamously or polyamorously.

What parts of your life right now do you feel satisfied about, and what parts do you feel unsatisfied about?

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
It sounds like they ARE aware of your new boundaries and agreements with the BF. If so, why are they ignoring your new boundaries by even ASKING you to share sex with them and break an agreement with your BF? That is not appropriate.

You have to "be fair to all" but they can't be respectful to you? :mad:

That behavior is disrespectful to you, the BF, and the boundaries of your rship with the BF. It also causes you upset. None of that behavior seems like "friendly" behavior to me. Wassup with that? :confused:

And wassup with your excusing this behavior?

I mean I know they are not aiming to...bu this is what its doing to me right now.....they miss me, they desire me, they want something back that they had last summer.
Click to expand...

Then what exactly IS their aim when they ask you to break agreement with your BF by sharing sex with them? :confused:

That they want what they want at your expense? They continue to not want to date you or treat you nicely but still want to have access to sex share with you? What kinds of "friends" are these? All kinds of fresh! I don't blame you for feeling disgusted. Could step away from these people.

You do not have to be sexual with anyone to love them. The problem here is that you seem to love them, and they treat you in less than loving ways.

Not friend love, not romance love, not even basic respect of your boundaries. :(
Galagirl
 
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they both have had deep feelings for me quite a while no and only until I got to a point that that I can't give them those feeling as freely as I used to are they starting to realize how they really truly feel.

nither are willing to say they feel in love with me but its true....they are trying to respect boundaries but the boundaries of me and my boyfriend have not always been so very clear so they are not always aware of what they can or can not do around me.

but they are starting to realize that what they are doing is hurting me and putting me in a really bad situation and that its stopping.

they are not doing this kind of thing around me any more...the question of my love for them or their is not the issue its that I made a promise to be sexual with one person I am holding up that end of the agreement on my end...but they know I miss doing things I used to do with them that is a true statement...but just cause I miss it does not mean I want or should act on it.
 
just as far as an update to anyone that might care to read.

all issues seems to have been set aside both friends seem to realize how pressured they were starting to make me feel, in that i might have possibly done something to my boyfriend that would have been hurtful to us.

I really do feel there a lot of feelings and strong emotions between me and my two friends probably of a romantic nature that we all three never really got very honest about....

and maybe some day we will some day we might not....

but to be honest that's why i went with the guy I am dating now..... I love the other two dearly and very deeply....but really when someone tells me oh they love me but they are un sure if they can date me....and then I come across someone else that might be a little scared of dating but really truly wants to even so...

I am going to jump at the opportunity is my relationship great or perfect 100% o the time by no means NO

but I am happy....
and I sticking to what I have said before I love all of my romantic partners dearly...if I ever tell anyone I love them I really truly mean that. BUTT this does not mean I have to have sex with those partners to prove my love to them or to feel loved by them...i have to find other ways of feeling love them just though sex alone.
 
i have to find other ways of feeling love them just though sex alone.
Click to expand...

I think you might mean

"I have to find other ways of EXPRESSING my love for them other than sharing sex behaviors with them."
Click to expand...

You can feel love and let them know. You can feel love and not let them know. So your ability or capacity to feel love is not the problem.

How you EXPRESS your love feelings has been a problem.

I am glad you and your friends have set sex aside and everyone is respecting boundaries now.

I am glad you have arrived at

  • I do not have to have sex with people to "prove" or express my love for them.
  • I do not have to have sex with people for them to "prove" or express their love for me.

You are correct. You do not have to have sex with people for those reasons. Love is experience and felt. It does not need to be "proven." It can be expressed in ways other than sex.

Sex behavior can certainly be an expression of love sometimes. But each and every time sexual behavior happens is not always about expressing love. It can also be other many things:
  • casual recreational sex with friends
  • a "fuck and toss" with someone you don't want to be friends with but want to scratch the itch with
  • expression of grief and mourning and the need to feel connected to someone else and still alive
  • getting pregnant to make a new person
  • a crime -- like rape
  • many other things.

I am glad you are more willing to just feel and experience love and let go of having to "prove it" with sex behavior.

I notice you use "I feel" for "I think" sometimes. I also notice you sometimes dissemble rather than using clear "I" statements. Since you experience a lot of confusion -- maybe adjusting your vocab choice and way of articulation could help alleviate some of that confusion in future?

Don't HAVE to. But could think about it. If your way of going and behaviors aren't serving you well -- you could decide to change your behaviors and your way of going! ;)

I'm glad you are letting go of hating yourself because you have places you could still grown in. We all have those places. :eek:

Glad you are doing better.

Galagirl
 
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